I just had a miscarrage... How am I supposed to deal with it?

[MeekaTheMommie]

Hello everyone. So I am supposed to be 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant today, but things didnt work out in my favor. I hate the fact I lost my baby. I had everything but a heartbeat. I was having complications throughout the whole time I was pregnant. I'm trying to deal with it the best I can, but so far I'm doing a bad job at it. I lost the baby when I was 10 weeks. I remember the day it happened like it was yesterday. My boyfriend and I were at the doctors and they were telling us that I had what is called a missed abortion. Its when you have a baby and no heartbeat. My body had not picked up on the miscarrage and so there for didnt rid itself of the baby like it should have. When I found out I cried for 3 days off and on all day long. I cried so much to the point my eyes we almost swollen shut. I took some meds at home to cause me to go into labor pretty much and passed it at home. That was very painful for me. I know I wasnt pushing anything big out of me but labor is labor. It still hurts. Some people say they have period pains and others say its the worst pain they have ever felt when they take that stuff. I took it and didnt cry or scream, just took it and went through with it for a hour and a half. I didnt want to take anything for pain because I figured if my baby had to suffer for however long then I could take that and suffer as well. I know it may be stupid for some people but its just how I feel about it. So now its been a little while since I had it and now I'm just really upset. I dont know what to make of anything here lately. I did start drinking alot, which I'm not a heavy drinker, but I have been depressed. A few of my friends pointed this out and after talking to me about it I stopped drinking so much and went to smoking. I have found myself still holding my belly and crying at night over this. My boyfriend never wants to talk about this with me. He just nods his head and walks off or just says "lets talk about this later," but "later" never comes. I have tried to do things to keep my mind off of it, but its hard. Just the other day I was at work and a girl and her husband came in and had a newborn with them. I seen the baby and just wanted to cry. Everyone has babies it seems. All of my friends are having them and yet mine was taken away from me. When I first got pregnant I didnt want it and after a week or so I became ok with it and then I started to love the idea. I just feel like I am being punished for not wanting it like I should have in the beginning. I am very jealous of all of my friends who are pregnant and have kids already. What should I do? I want to have a baby, but I know right now I'm not in a stable place to have one just yet. I dont want to get pregnant again and to go through this once again. It hurts so bad. Someone please help me with this.

[andrewerin1005]

I am so so so so sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through exactly!!! I got pregnant within days of my husband coming home from iraq and I was back and forth about wanting to be pregnant but then I got really excited once we seen a heartbeat but then when I was 8 weeks and 4 days I had a miscarriage and I was completely disgusted with myself for ever doubting that I wanted that baby. The first thing I went to was alcohol... i wasn't drinking a lot.. but it was a lot for me... but you have to realize that you shouldnt drink because when you do become pregnant again (and you will someday) your body won't be as healthy. I completely understand where you are coming from. It is the most horrible thing in the world to go through aside from loosing a child that was born I would imagine. I especially know how you feel about the jealousy... My sister is pregnant, my 15 year old sister in law is pregnant , my brother in law just had a baby, and I know a few other people that are pregnant or just gave birth and it hurt so bad for a while... it still does and I dont think the pain truly goes away until you are holding your new baby. Im not sure if you are a spiritual person but god says that every person is born with a purpose so when you do finally get pregnant again it will be the way it was meant to be. I would definitely keep reading the support people are leaving for you and understand you aren't alone. Just please try to take care of your body and take all the time you need to get yourself healthy so you can conceive again with a new healthy baby, understand that it isn't your fault and there was no way you could've prevented this from happening about 20% of first time pregnancies end in miscarriage so I've read. Unfortunately, it does have to happen to someone and unfortunately you were one of the 20%. Just focus on the future and focus on forgiving yourself for your regret in the begining, it's completely understandable.


Sincerely,
Erin

[wishing628]

Hi I'm so sorry for your loss, I too had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago, and I get very jelous of other pregnant woman it's normal to feel that way. I am slowly coming to terms with it all. You will feel down, I still do, it's so painful but I have been trying to focus on getting myself as healthy as possible, ready to get pregnant again, why don't you try and do the same? That was it kind of gives you something to focus on. Take care xx

[hopefulLady]

hello friends.
as a women who has just been through a miscarriage myself 10 days ago, there is no denying that I have felt the grief and pain of being separated from my baby, to whom I implicitly talked, comforted, protected right from the day i got my bfp.

But as I said.. let us give life a chance to show us some brighter day. I do not think that our men are not all that affected with our losses.. I feel they only do not show their sadness and dissappointment.. because they feel that if they also break down or be low in front of us, we women would be even more shattered. Men are designed by God to act like everything is fine. Moreover, I am sure your boyfriends feel and understand your pain, it is just that they want you to move on in life, and if they keep letting you lean on their shoulder and keep being sympathetic, they obviously feel that you would never come out of it. And the more we cry, the more men get confused on how to handle us, and end up being distant which messes us up further :)

That being said, it is also a fact that women are more emotionally capable. Men do not have the capability to handle emotions, so they prefer to show that they are okay.

Please do not be mad at your boyfriends. The fact that they are being sympathetic to you means that they care for you. The fact they he holds you when you cry is so touching.. trust me, you have a man who cares and loves you. Life is only once. God only gives us that much troubles which He knows we can handle. So please just have faith in God and be blessed you have your men standing by your side.. Trust me.. there are so many more women who go through worse, with abusive husbands, boyfriends who desert them, miscarry with no-one to help them...

MeekaTheMommie, if you can once hold your bf's hand and thank him for supporting you all through and tell him that you are glad he is around, just see how things change and how close it would bring the two of you. And in some time you can try again and be blessed with another baby.

sorry if I have been a little rough in my message.. but as soon as I read your posts, I felt I really care for you all, and wanted to shake you out of the grief and hope to see you going in a more positive direction. What happened to us was beyond our control, but how we react to it is totally in our hands.

[MeekaTheMommie]

I know what you all mean. Its so hard and I feel the same as you annaleesmom. My boyfriend seems to be the same way. I cry and he holds me, but thats about it really. Other then "its not your fault," thats about all I get from him. And hopefulLady, I think you are right, but I'm still mad at Him for taking the one thing I wanted most away from me. I feel like I'm the only one who feels this way. I wanted it soo badly before the end and now its like my child was torn from my finger tips. I still think about that day all the time. From the day I found out till the day I went through the process of removing my child. In a way I feel like I'm the one who is bad for taking my own baby out of me like that... I know it wasnt alive but to me it still was. I know there was no possible way, but it bothers me.

[annaleesmom]

I don't know how to tell you how you are supposed to cope with this.  I had my miscarriage October 5th.  I should have been 13 weeks.  It was horribly painful.

emotionally I still hurt.  especially at night.  My boyfriend is sympathetic, but it doesn;t help.  I feel like he should be a total mess also, I mean it was his baby too.  He says it's just something we will have to work through.  It seems like I'm the only one this is affecting.  I still cry a lot.  Now I get to watch my sister in law have twins.  It seems like such a smack in the face.  Why can't people understand that I'm not ok with all of this.

[hopefulLady]

I have just surrendered to God!
I went through a mc 10 days ago and had to have a d&c. I had finally conceived after years of pcos, fibroids, stress related problems, and after 'months' of trying! It was emotionally so stressful and difficult. When I lost my baby, it felt like nothing else mattered. The final words of the doctor saying I need a d&c sounded like the end of a happy life.. and thats precisely what it was.
I was so happy being pregnant, so much calmer, happy, peaceful and felt blessed.
When I had the mc, I came crashing back to reality.
yes, I do understand your pain. Now whereever I see, i see women with babies, pregnant women with proud bellies!
But I have decided not to remain low for long.
I have left everything to God!
I believe that God wanted this to happen to me cos he loves me!
I will try again soon. But I am taking the next 2 months to heal myself, get really healthy and strong. If I have to be a mother, I have to be capable of giving a healthy body and mind to my baby. And so I pray to heal my womb, am starting yoga and meditation, continue to eat right like I did during pregnancy and stay positive.
i am sure you would be fine too. Don't cry and wreck up your hormones and well being!

My dh and I became so much more closer after this.. Before I got pregnant, we were busy with our stressful lives, always running around, meeting or talking only on weekends.. but now.. it has changed a lot.

I feel like I reclaimed the man I met and fell in love with 13 years ago in college. We got married 4 years ago though.

All in all.. God must have wanted me and you to go through this experience. Now dh and I cherish each other so much more, feel closer. And am sure.. in my next pregnancy, I would feel more blessed than ever!
Hope you are also able to take charge of your life and health. Chin up and face the world. There have always been pregnant women, little babies and toddlers around, we never noticed them so much before. Take positive vibes from those little children, smile at the pregnant women! It would make you feel so much more at peace! It would help you to accept your own loss and look forward to future!

We have to create space for someone new to come. And for that, we must let go of our past!
Hugs!

[MeekaTheMommie]

I dont know of a place around here to set up a meeting with anyone. I'm pretty new to the area in a way. I just go to work and come home pretty much. The only people I know are from work. One girl went through the same thing as me but I dont want to bring it up to her, seeing as to how its about a year since she lost hers and its around that time she did. I did think to myself "what did I get into now?" and then after a week I thought it would be very nice ya know. I just wanted to have this one. I just need some advice from others on how to deal with this. Thanks for the kind words. It helps alot.

[Heatherm4]

It's normal to feel this way. And it's so true....you do notice more ppl pregnant and with babies after a loss. I'm so sorry for your loss. Over time...things do get better. You know you were able to get pregnant so trying again shouldn't be a problem. Your boyfriend is probably having a difficult time dealing with it too or is heartbroken that you are so upset. Time does heal all wounds. Soon enough you will have your chance to be a mommy!! Is there someone you can talk to or set up a meeting with a counsellor?! Maybe that would help get your feelings out. Always remember that it's not your fault for the loss of your baby. No one is punishing you for not wanting it at first. I think every woman probably thinks at least once "oh no..what did I get myself into?!", it's natural to have doubts. Early miscarriages are quite common and a lot of them is just because the baby wasn't developing right. Good luck in the future!! :)