Intimate after a miscarriage

[rccresswell]

Please Help
I had a miscarriage about 2 and a half weeks ago.  It was quite tramatic at the time because I had to push my son out and we got to see his tiny little body.  I was 14 weeks pregnant when i lost him.

Last night my husband and I had intercourse, not to try for another child but just because.  I found myself crying afterwards because of the thought of losing my son.

Can someone please tell me how they felt after a miscarriage in this regard and how they overcame it.

[krichar]

We lost Kashton in February, so we are ready to go again. He was from our second attempt at IVF so the day i found out he had passed away (while i was still in shock) i called my fertility clinic and out our names back on the list.

it will take time....don't worry. I too broke out into sobs after the first few times, we need to heal emotionally as well. It has only been a monthsince your loss so don't try to rush things...it is all still so fresh

Kellie

[rccresswell]

Hey
Thank you for that.  I never really thought about the positives, I guess you always tend to think it is all negative.  I think having him home has made me feel so much better.  I feel like I can let go of him enough to get past it.  

My husband and I have only had intercourse 3 or 4 times since I lost him which is a month.  The first and second time we did I burst into tears.  I guess I was in a rush to get back to normal but I have now realised intimacy will take time.  I wish I could get back into how I was before I lost him but I am getting there.

Thinking about it now I think another positive from losing my son was that I was fortunate enough to deliever him and see him.  It gives me peace knowing he did exist and.  I am blessed to know who he was and what he looked like.  Thank you so much for making me see that!!!!!

Have you started trying again?  My husband and I have decided to not try and worry about.  We are just going to see how we go so that we don't have to stress about falling pregnant again.

[krichar]

I am so sorry for your loss...I can totally relate to what you are going through. I bought a baby book called " in the arms of Angels" that you can fill out and put your momentos in like u/s pics, cards and such. It was a great way to heal because i got to write down the happy times as well as the sad. I know from experience that we seem to focus on the sad parts and not the moments that made us happy like the BFP and our hopes for our babies. I bought it through amazon. com i believe.

My son hass his own shelf in the china cabinet, with his little urn, his baby book and some willowtree statues that we bought for him.

[rccresswell]

Hey
Thanks for all that info.  I have started writing a journal and that is helping heaps.  We should get our little man back soon so I will have to let you  know how it goes when we get him back.
You will have to let me know if you are pregnant.  My hubby and I decided we weren't telling anyone until we are 20 weeks when and if we fall pregnant again.
Is it ok if I add you to my friends list?

[LoveofHunter]

Oh honey...I have done alot of things to memorialize my son. In the early days, I wrote in a journal "Dear Hunter" (we named him Hunter) and I would pour my heart out on paper. Anything that I was going through I would write down "why, guilt, anger, sadness, ect.." I also read "Empty Arms" great book I really recommend it. It is all about the day of and following the loss of your baby. I kept all the special things that I received from the hospital, blankets, memory box, cards sending condolences. You can keep and hold dear anything that is special to you to remember them. I went online and ordered an affirmation of life certificate and a memorial candle with his name and angel date on it (check out my pics in my profile). I also set up a website with pictures of him, poems that I have collected, songs that are special to me, and a slideshow I made. ( http://thehatfieldfamily3.shutterfly.com/pictures) We had a balloon release in memory of him. I have attended a group specifically for bereaved parents who have lost a child to miscarriage or stillbirth. I am planning on making a scrapbook to put all my most precious pictures and cards in. I kept some of the flower the nurses gave me and a flower from an arrangement my brother sent and pressed them. I plan to put them in the book too. It is such an ongoing process I am still going through the grief. Some days are better than others and as time goes by the good seem to outweigh the bad. But your child will never be forgotten. They are with us even if we can't see them. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. For me only time eases the pain. Learning to live with it is the hardest part.


My dh and I have started to try again. I am waiting to take a hpt and we will find out within a week or so. Everyone is different you will know when you are ready. My hubby and I were the same way if it happens it happens and we have just this cycle started to really "try". If you need anything I would love to help just message me. ((((hugs))))

[lil_lady25]

I have felt the same way after both of my miscarriages. He was ready and I wasnt. It makes me sad though because I dont want him to think that I blame him at all. It's just when you are still healing after such a terrible loss you arent the same person that you were before. I just couldnt be happy for a while after my m/c. Once some of the pain started to go away I was back to my happy outgoing self (although sometimes my smile would hide my tears). You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel and he will understand. Take care.

[rccresswell]

Thanks for the comment.  I am glad I am not the only one.  I guess the only reason we did it was because I wanted everything to go back to normal but now I realise that it all takes time.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss as well.  I also found seeing my son amazing, scary but thankful I did.  I miss him everyday.
I wish the pain would go away.  I have realisd that no one can really help you through the pain, you just have to find a way to ease the pain yourself.  How have you coped with your loss?  Have you started trying to fall pregnant again?  My husband and I decided not to try, we are just going to see how it goes and if it happens, it happens - No Pressure.

[LoveofHunter]

I too lost my baby around 14 wks and was induced. I gave birth to his tiny little body.. so perfect. I am so sorry for your loss. My dh and I did bed at two weeks also. I experienced the same reaction.  The actual act of having sex felt sadly similar to giving birth to our son. Sorry if TMI!  I just kept replaying the loss of our son in my mind and cried near the end and for an hour afterwards. I told my dh I was not ready to do it again for a while. He respected that. 3 weeks later or so I was ready. Just go easy on yourself and take it slow. Everything is so new right now try not to push it. Things do get better with time. You never "get over it" but somehow find a way to live with the loss of your child. My heart goes out to you!

[rccresswell]

Thank you for the comment.  I guess I keep myself so busy and am happy to talk about it with friends and familly, I thought i was moving on but I guess I am not over it.

I really started to accept what happened but it still really hurts and I hate feeling so vullnerable.

I hope it gets easier!!!

[Niquea3]

It was hard for me to be intimate with my fiance afterwards because I just didn't want to be touched in that manner afraid of my reaction to it. If you felt like you had coped with it and was able to move on that soon then physically you were but mentally you obvious weren't. It took me about a month before I could completely get over it and move on emotional to continue with intimacy. I overcame it by knowing that it wasn't my fault and that for my situation God felt it wasn't time for us to have another child. Turns out we weren't because right before the miscarriage he lost his job and we had to make a big move from Santa Barbara to San Diego. I'm totally thankful for the little one I'm barring now. Have a self-talk as I like to put it and let your body talk to you to let you know when all emotional wounds are healed enough to move pass it and carry on with normal activities between you and your husband.
Best of luck to you both ;))