So down in the dumps

Ok, so I'll apologize and warn you not to read this if you don't want a major downer.  I just have to gripe and cry/whine because I'm so frustrated I just have to get it out or I'll burst.

I'm scheduled for my 2nd D&C in six months on Friday.  I don't even know if I'm going to be able to go as my fiancee is delayed in London due to weather.  I could maybe find someone else who could drive me, but at short notice when they would have to take off work it's not likely.  And I don't think I can go through this again without him there, anyway.  

I just need this done so I can get on a normal cycle again.  It's just surreal sitting here knowing that I only have an empty 8.5 week sac inside me and my body has no clue.  I prayed that this would just happen naturally... I just don't get how my body can't figure out what my mind 'knew' at 6 weeks.  It ***** so bad hating your body and wishing it was more 'normal'.

I'm so down this time, I know I should probably get on an anti-depressant.  And then I worry that if I do get pregnant again in a few months that I'd worry even more that that would cause big problems.  It's funny, I've read that depression is so common after miscarriage (especially if you have no other kids), yet my OB/GYN just brushes it off with a 'you'll perk right back in a month and be pregnant by summer'.  (the last time she told me I'd be pregnant again by Christmas which was true, unfortunately didn't last).  I guess I learned that I can't rely upon them for concern over mental health.  

I can't stand going into work- the receptionist at the front door (who is very sweet, btw) is 14 weeks pregnant and glowing.  She told everyone at about 6 weeks that she was pregnant and this is their first.  That's supposed to be taboo, right- telling people right away?  I never told anyone other than my fiancee, and the only support I can find is online because I just keep the bad news to myself.  I hate walking past her countless times a day feeling jealous and angry (and horrible, because I was happy for her before, I just can't manage it right now).

And to top it off, this evening I was supposed to pick up my wedding dress. We're eloping on the 16th and they said my dress would come in no later than today.  The @*#($'s at the store can't find my dress, nor can they figure out if they even ordered it correctly!!  I started crying and then just started yelling at the manager.  And I know some of it was justified, but I'm just so on the verge of tears at every moment, I lost it.  I've NEVER done anything like that in public before.  

Why can't I just get it together a bit?  It feels like everyone has got a better handle on this than I do...

[MayB22]

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear about your losses :/  I know it's pretty hard, I've had 2 mc's in the past 3 months and I guess I'm always going to wonder about what they might have been, etc.  Plus, now I stress more about when I do fall pregnant again and whether the same things will happen.

I guess there is no real advice one can give on how to cope with the emotional aspects of a mc, it ***** no matter how you look at it.  And time really doesn't have much to do with it either, some days I'm fine, others I'm feeling really morbid about everything and even though I know I'm perfectly healthy, I doubt my ability to have a healthy pregnancy?  I know it was probably just bad luck, but it's hard to be objective when it's your own pregnancy...

It also seems that every woman around me is either pregnant, or has just had a baby ... and that makes me feel jealous/envious :/

Anyway, just wanted to show some support, I know it's a hard experience you're going through..

[Scout8601]

I'm sorry you had to go thru this again.  I found out on Monday that my baby didn't have a heartbeat and i was going to miscarry. My doc siad, you can just get preg again.  like it was nothing.  they just don't get it do they?  I've been a mess all week.  I can't go into a store that has baby stuff b/c i start crying.  I don't know how long this lasts but right now it feels like its crushing me.  the pain is so immense. I never thought it would hurt this bad.  

I don't think I'm handling this too well either, so you're not alone in that.  Things have got to get better, right? (we can hope)

[songinmind]

Thanks Ladies-  it really does help to hear that you can empathize.  My finacee did make it home, so I'm going for my D&C tomorrow.  I'm really praying that I can start to recover emotionally more as I recover physically.  

[sue68]

Hey there all of you,

I'm sorry for your loss/es.

I've been in your shoes and I know how crappy - and this is grossly understated - you feel.    Let me tell you my story.  I'm 41 and last year I was pregnant with my first baby.  I carried it for 8 weeks before finding out that it was a blighted ovum and  it had stopped growing after 5 or 6 weeks.  i waited around 4 weeks before it naturally m/c'd.   I got pregnant again in April this past year - and no heartbeat at 8 weeks.   Both times - but especially the first time I went from ecstatic (because I had almost given up and was surprised ) to  - oh, what's below crap in a  deep deep well ?   yeah, that.  So, it took me a long time to feel like I could smile again.  A long long time.  And in the meanwhile people would ask me, "Why don't you have kids ? DON't you want to have kids ?"  etc.. etc...  It took alot of strength to suck the pain inward and bat their question away with a joke.   No one new because I didn't tell anyone.  I hid it pretty well.  The first time my husband and I had alot of hopes and dreams - lots of plans for the baby.  Life was full of possibilities.  Then suddenly, it felt like the world ended.
    The second time , we were nervous because we didn't want to hope, to raise our hopes.  Still, it creeps up and you start to feel hopeful.   Even though I was crushed,  I knew deep down that I would pick myself up though only because the first time was really devastating and I got myself up from that.  I had no choice - I had to try hard not to lose hope.    
6 months later I got pregnant again.  I'm holding my breath the entire time.  Every time I feel an ache or cramp I get nervous.  I'm almost finished my 13th week.  I have to go for an amnio in a couple weeks.    

I just wanted to tell you girls that even though you may not feel it now- there is "light at the end of the tunnel".  Keep your chin up even if you don't feel it.  I totally get that you're angry, depressed, feeling hopeless.  But, you have to believe your turn will come.  It will.  Hang in there and use this forum to vent, rant or spill your tears.  We've all been there, at least once, some more than others.   There are the happy stories - girls here who've had multiple m/c's and have or are about to give birth.  I met someone who had 3 m/c's then - 5 in total ) - this was when I learned of my blighted ovum.  I asked her how she can go on after such a painful loss ? She told me that her drive to have  a baby keeps her going .   She is now pregnant and about to give birth at the end of this month to a baby boy.  So , as painful as it is - there is life after. Try to find out what you can do next time.  Take some tests - see if you have a clotting disorder, check thyroid etc....  find out all you can and don't give up.  You won't forget these losses - they stay with you.  But, I hope your hearts heal quick. My thoughts are with you.  

Again,  feel free to come on this forum - these girls have helped me alot.  Everyone understands what you're feeling, what you're going through physically and emotionally.  We're all here for you if you need a shoulder to lean or cry on.    

Songinmind - 6 months is a long time to wait for a D & C - do you mean 6 days ???  Its normal to feel angry and upset.  you've got alot of hormones swimming in you plus a very deep personal loss to deal with.  i hope you feel better soon.

MayB22 - I know, seeing baby clothes made me cry.  And there seems to be a baby boom everywhere I looked - pregnant or strollers.  my sister in law was pregnant too - a few months ahead of me.  Sometimes I 'd think I'd feel okay adn then the sight of  cute baby booties at the store would make my heart clench.    I still think about my losses - you don't forget - but, the pain is less sharp.    this is before I found out about this recent pregnancy.  

Scout8601, did you go for a second u/s for another opinion ? Sometimes it might still be too early to see  a heartbeat - how far along are you ?    Let's put another spin on what the doctor said to you.  Maybe when he said, "you can just get pregnant again" he had your age in mind,like, maybe he was speaking from what he thought you were fearing .  Take away the "just" and it becomes " you CAN get pregnant again"  - huh ? do you see?  He didn't say anything about the risks at your age, eggs etc.... like some of the other girls I've met.  he said it like "You just can get pregnant again"  like your age is not obstacle.   At our age 40+  we feel the clock ticking and wonder if we can get pregnant again.  My OB told me that his "maturest" patient is 53.   So like you got another 10years to pop out a few so hang in there  !  
  

[Kricket212]

You are such a good cheerleader & find your posting encouraging. I just had my D&C yesterday. I am 37 & doing IVF this was my first try.  How excited I was to get to conceive the first time & then to lose it so fast after 6 weeks was devasting.  It just really su*** to go thru a loss & now know that I have to do all these shots all over.  I pray that when I try again Feb or march that I am successful.

I wish all of you girls on here lots of luck.  Let's try to keep smiling & as Sue's friend said...."if we want a baby bad enough, we will find a way to bounce back".

[Eirlis]

I too understand how difficult it is to cope with multiple miscarriages. I hate my body right now, too and can't wait for my current miscarriage to complete so at least I won't have to wear this giant diaper of a pad all the time!

I can understand the desire to keep it all so private, but I take the opposite approach. I think it is so much more painful to suffer in silence and go around being miserable and short with people who have no idea what you're going through. Both times now I chose to tell the coworkers in my immediate office area as well as most of my friends and family. Even though I feel like crap, everywhere I go there are people who help support me. Even the glowing pregnant girl down the hall (who also has a heartbreaking story).

The only one I really have trouble being around right now is my closest girlfriend who is due in April -- the same week I would have been due had my first pregnancy succeeded. We both mourned the loss of the fantasy of being off work together and helping each other through the first few months, but it still hurts me every time I see her big belly.

I was terribly depressed after the first miscarriage and my doctors brushed it off as well. However much the brusque "you'll be pregnant again in no time!" feels insensitive right after a loss, so far it seems to be right. We DO get pregnant again quickly, which means that eventually, we'll have healthy babies as well. At least, that's what I keep telling myself...

Hang in there and best of luck with the d & c tomorrow.

-Eirlis

[Dani711]

I am an "oldie" on this site.  Moved on to ttc after a m/c and then finally to the baby forum.  I am so sorry for what you and everyone is going through.  I am sure there is a great group of ladies here that you will get so much support from.  The group I met on here are all friends now and have been through so much in the past couple of years. I can honestly say I would have not made it through everything without them.  Lean on whoever you need to in order to help you make it through each day.
My advice for you.  NEXT TIME, cause there will be a next time, find a dr. you like and trust.  It makes all the difference especially since one day they will be the one there the day your baby is born.
I am so glad your fiance is with you and CONGRATS on your wedding and your new life together.  Best of luck!

[mommato5]

you sound a lot like i did however i do have 2 children but i did feel as if my body was killing my babies and had a hard time with my last one because at the same time my sister and my sister in law was pregnant. So it was extremely hard to be around them but i was happy for them just sad i couldnt be in there shoes. You might need tests to see if you have any blood clotting disorders or other issues. They usually do them after 3 but you can request them. It will get better and time will heal your pain. Trust that this is for the best and cling to the Lord for comfort . This is what i did and time was the best meds and prayer. Hope you the best

[frank_noahsmommy]

Does it ever get better?????? I had 2 m/c last year both at 6 weeks and I got worse with the 2nd that i was put on an anti-depressant for 2 weeks. I am now 5 weeks 5 days pregnant and I might be having a possible m/c AGAIN!!! I feel so bad my heart hurts!!! My dh does not fully understand my grief. I dont really have anyone who I can talk to because they all say the same thing "it will happen when its suppose too". well if thats the case why do i have to suffer to get there???? I know no one can answer that and that what makes it a little harder. I have 2 beautiful boys already one who is 10 and one is almost 3, so i know i can have babies or at least used too!! I feel like a failure, I can't stop crying I dont wan to get out of bed, but I got a family to take care of so I kind of have to bottle thing s up and only let go when i am by myself. I know how all u ladies feel about seeing other pregnant women and baby items. I have been feeling jealous of all pregnant women since my 1st m/c in March. I just hope this is not the last time for me we want a baby so bad and have been trying for a year, but I dont know if i can take this again, its like with each m/c a piece of my heart breaks off......Sorry ladies to be a downer but I need to vent somewhere!! Thanks and prayers to you all.

[sing4hope]

hi there..I am new to this site, but i just wanted to reply and try to encourage you....my baby should have been born this last xmas day, but i m/c at 13 weeks back in June. I lost that baby after fertility drugs and 3.5 years of trying. It has been a devastating loss for my husband and I. We named our baby and had a small memorial service for him back in the summer.
i very much understand the need to vent, and feel free to do so, sometimes you really really need to. I have no others babies so I became extremely depressed afterward. Slowly sinking farther and farther down.
In answer to your question, yes. it does get better, but ever so slowly that you barely notice the improvements, till one day 7 months later you realize you are ok with Fridays again, and you didn't remember that your baby died on Friday and you used to hate that way.
Every person must grieve in a way that is right for them...to have a go to person has been helpful for me. My hubby and I were at different places for months and sometimes he got so frustrated with my constant thoughts about our loss.
Don't give in to the voices that tell you there is no more chances. It's funny how when one door closes, another opens. It's up to us whether or not to embrace the path that has been set before us.
I understand the terrible aching and the tears...they still come for me, but less often. You are not alone and know that you are loved by a God that is bigger than the universe and sees your broken heart. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

[frank_noahsmommy]

Thank u so much for sharing your story, and giving me encouragement!!! Thats what makes it harder is that I just cant express how I am feeling because my Hubby just does not understand!!! I just hope it gets better soon, because I have to other precious boys who need their Momma at 100% and right now I am probably at 30%!!! Thank You again for hearing me and understanding, and I wish u the best and God Bless you!

[ohboyorgirl]

in know just how you feel. i see all these babies on the tv that are getting abused & not being taken care of properly, and i wonder why this happened to me. i would have been a better mom than them. it makes me sick! im not a jealous person, but when i see pregnant ladies or moms holding their infants it makes me sad to think that wouldve been me.on top of everything, my sister is due in feb, but already haven contractions so while im soooo happy for her im sad for myself. i just had my miscarriage/d&c jan.6th so my wounds are still open. my mom & sister & i still have to throw my sister a baby shower that is going to kill me. i just have to try to think of it as i am blessed w/ two beautiful daughters & my time will come for a third. im just having a hard time right now already stressed w/ bills & everything else. we werent trying to concieve (conceive) just happened then i was gettin really excited only to have it taken away from me. well i vented & feel alot better :) thanks! good luck to you all & best wishes too!