Trying to understand the loss

Hi,
I had an ultrasound on March 24th and it revealed that although I was supposed to be 11 1/2 wks my baby had stopped growing  at 9wks and no heartbeat was detected.  I have 2 other children and both of their pregnancies were normal and this one seemed very similar.  I was tired, sick and so emotional.  I felt that this pregnancy was going fine and I was absolutely shocked to hear that the baby was no longer alive.   I couldn't imagine having to carry the baby any longer when it wasn't alive.  Having carried it for 2 1/2 weeks when it wasn't alive without any bleeding or any symptoms has me completely confused.  I am so upset but I knew I needed to have a D&C because I couldn't wait for it to possibly happen naturally without knowing when or for how long I'd be waiting. I had a D&C on Thursday night and I am feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.  Many of my friends have had miscarriages but this "missed miscarriage" has devastated me.  I had no idea how hard this would be and I can't believe that the baby is gone.  I want to get pregnant again as soon as possible.  If there was one positive thing that came from this it has made me realize how excited I was to have another baby.  I am taking comfort in being with the children I do have but I know that the expected due date is going to be a very difficult time for me. Reading these posts has helped me by just knowing that there are more people out there that really understand how hard this all is.  Take care.

[mol6541]

I can completely relate to your situation.  I had an ultrasound myself on 3/12/10 and there was not heartbeat.  I was supposed to be 11 wks and the baby was smaller than it should have been also.  Everything seemed to be normal nothing 'felt wrong'. I had a D&C that day.  I go back to the Dr on 4/1/10 and will be trying again as soon as possible.  We have a 5 year old and I love her so much and she has been begging us to have another baby.  Now she's more deteremined and so am I.  I'm sorry for your loss, but you're right in remembering you do have your other two children and they are your miracles.  I hope things work out for you.

[GBen]

Thanks for your comments.  I want to get pregnant again as soon as possible although I know I will be much more nervous this time.
I thought that I would have felt something if I was going to miscarry and I can't believe how pregnant I felt.  The D&C was very difficult for me.  I felt that people were so uncaring and nonchalant about the whole process as if to say that, "it happens 1 in 4 pregnancies, it's no big deal" but I really feel like it is a big deal.  I was so upset at the hospital and I felt like they were looking at me as if I was there to have an abortion by choice.  I felt like screaming, "My baby is dead inside of me! How do you think this feels?!"  I left with great disappointment and anger towards the attitudes that society has about miscarriages.  I was so glad to find this site because finally I feel like there are people who understand.

[bernie40]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I felt exactly the same when on the 25th Jan at my 12 week scan I was told the baby had died at 7wks.  I had never even heard of a missed miscarriage and couldn't believe that my body had lied to me for so long.  I did have loss of symptoms but hadn't been too concerned as with my other 4 children I was lucky enough not to have any pregnancy symptoms at all.  I then had a very light bleed but again thought that this was perfectly normal having gone through it with my other pregnancies.

I felt let down and that I could no longer trust my own body and the only thing that got me through the first couple of weeks was the thought of trying again.  

This site has been a life saver to me, being able to talk openly and honestly with women who have gone through the very same thing has helped me enormously.

Be kind to yourself over the next couple of weeks xx

[mol6541]

I guess I was lucky, I was so lost the day we found out.  It was like someone ripped my heart and soul right out of me. The Doctors I see are great and the nurses at the hospital were nice.  I felt like I was doing something wrong having the D&C but knew it had to be done.  My husband has been great through all this.  All I can think of now is when will I stop bleeding so we can move on....  I am doing a lot better emotionally, but little things are still setting me off sometimes.  I'm still having a little bleeding but it's in mucus, so I'm hoping this will mean I am going to stop soon.  I want to try again.  I'm scared as can be to try, but I'm also stubborn and try to think positive.  My 5 year old has that in her too.  She knows we lost the baby, but it's like she's our little cheerleader.  She keeps telling me i'm going to have another baby and it will be fine.  Sometimes she says you're going to have twins.  Sorry I'm babbling, but it seems that it's hard to get those around me besides my husband and a good friend to listen.

This is a place I feel I can express myself and others will understand.

God Bless you both and I hope we all get through this.  We are taking one day at a time here.

[bernie40]

Yes we will get through this you're right.  I had had a gut feeling that all was not right from about 9-10 weeks gestation but had kept pushing it out of my head so in a sense I was prepared for the worst although praying that everything was really ok.

Babble away hun, :) xx

[GBen]

Thanks for the encouragement ladies.  
Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days but I had to go back to emergency because of excess clotting and bleeding.  I had another pelvic exam, blood work, and an ultrasound after they told me I might need another D&C.  I was so stressed because I really didn't want that.  After talking with the ER doc she decided that the clot might pass on it's own and some might be absorbed but I have to be very careful with the bleeding etc and make sure I note any abnormalities.  Has anyone else had to go back for a second D&C? I was supposed to go to NY today and I wasn't allowed to fly so I have to reschedule my flights and I am so bummed because sine my D&C last Thurs. the trip has been the only light that I have been looking forward to.  How common is having 2 D&C's to get everything out?

[mol6541]

I have heard of  someone having two d&cs to get everthing but I'm not sure how common it is. I was afraid myself about needing another due to an infection and large clots. I go to the dr today for a follow up. I'm prayings things go well for both of us. Hang in there you can get through this.  Just take it one day/one moment at a time.

[GBen]

I hope everything is ok.  I have been feeling a lot better and the bleeding has slowed down so I think I'm on the mend.  I hope that your appointment goes well and that you won't need another D&C.  Take care, good luck and keep me posted.

[mol6541]

I'm glad to hear things are going better for you.  The dr appt went well.  He said everything's normal.  Just waiting for the blood work to come back and will have that tomorrow. If it's not below 5 I'll have to go back every week to 2 weeks for blood work is what they told me.  We'll have to see what happens when I get the results tomorrow.

[mol6541]

It's been three weeks to the day that we found out I miscarried.  My HCG is at 7.9. The nurse wasn't sure if the dr would have me come back or not but she assumed he wouldn't.  We'll wait and see. I'm close to where they want me.  Hopefully this means I'll get my period soon and we can start trying again.

How are you doing today?  Still doing better I hope?

[fairy77]

i know the feeling..last week i had an u/s when i had a feeling that something is wrong with my baby. i was 11 weeks into my preg with my first baby but there was no heart beat. on monday im booked for a d&c and i too feel like im doing it by choice. i still feel very pregnant and feeling depressed all the time. dont know what to expect on monday. i really want this baby back and cant come to terms that im still carrying the baby and he/she is not alive! i want to try for a baby again and very soon. i never thought that something like this could happen to me and never knew how hard it all is. i have all the support i need from my bf and families but it's still so very hard. it's my baby i lost!

[mol6541]

I'm sorry for your loss. Just remember this is not your fault. It's hard dealing with the physical aspects and the emotions. You will get through this it will just take some time. It's good to hear youve got support.  My dr had wanted me to wait for a d&c for 4 or 5 days. I was insistant that they do it that day.  Even though you are feeling it is by choice right now. This is not something you chose. This had to do with the baby. You didn't make this decision. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.    

[fairy77]

tnks so much for your message and tnks for your prayers. xxx

[GBen]

Hi.
I am feeling a lot better but they took my HCG on Tuesday and it was still 600. I;m not sure if this is normal or what but I guess it is only 1 week and 2 days since the D&C.  How are you feeling? I can't wait to start trying again either.  When did your doctor give you the ok? 1-2 months?
I hope you're feeling better.

[GBen]

Hi,
I am so sorry.  I know how devastating this is and I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need to talk and or ask questions etc... This is such a difficult time and I had lots of family and friends to help me through it too but they aren't going through it right now and it is so hard, when like you said, it was your baby.  I kept feeling like if the dr just did another u/s they would find a heartbeat but it wasn't realistic.  I had to cling to hope but I know now that what happened was out of my control and not something I could will to be right.  I too felt so pregnant and even now, I am still feeling some symptoms and it is 1wk and 2days since my D&C.  My HCG levels still haven't dropped completely so feeling pregnant is very normal even if your baby has passed.  I feel so sorry for you and I really hope that you start to feel better soon.  Once the D&C was done and I stopped bleeding I was able to start to think about the possibility of getting pregnant again.  The idea of being pregnant again is what is keeping me going.  I hope your procedure goes as well as can be expected, it is really hard. I cried until I went under and woke up and cried some more.  It helped me to think about a new baby and dreaming of a miracle to hold and love is a comfort in this difficult time. Wishing you well.
GB

[fairy77]

thanks so much for your message. i can understand you so much. its such a difficult time and you never think it can happen to you!  yesterday night i had some cramping and i was so scared that i was going to m/c at home. didnt know what to do. then it passed. its my first preg so i dont know what to really expect! tomorrow i ll be admitted and i have mixed feelings..i want to get this over cos i really want to feel better but on the other hand i want my baby. like you said, the only thing that is keeping me going is once i be ok i want to try for another baby. i want a baby so much. the 3 months i was preg was the best time of my life and was looking forward to hold MY own little child. telling me your experience gave me comfort...i know im not alone. its such a nice feeling that people you dont know share there difficulties with you...its like im talking with an old friend. im just praying everything will go ok cos im sooo scared now. thanks so much for your help and hope that we both post a message that we're pregnant again and soon we ll be holding a beautiful baby. xxx you  ll be in my prayers xxx

[GBen]

How did everything go? Sorry I didn't write sooner. Sometimes the posts get lost in the list and are hard to keep track of!
I really hope you're doing better.  I want so badly to get pregnant again. I think I just got my period but it is so soon so the drs were't sure but they tested my HCG levels and they're zero so they think it is as long as I sop bleeding by the end of this weekend.  I hope it is because then we'll be trying asap!  
Let me know how things are going with you. I hope all is well.
G