I have just miscarried my first baby 3 days ago. my husband came to visit me in the hospital the morning after we saw our precious angel in the toilet and he looked like her had black eyes from crying so much. he talked to his brother that night and he says that helped a lot.
since then though he has been acting like nothing happened. i keep asking him if he is ok, how he is feeling, telling him he can talk to me, he doesn't have to be strong for me. but he says he is sad but ok. he acts like our baby didn't just die.
i told him this doesn't help me if that was his intention and it is still the same. i dont know what to do. does he really not feel what i am feeling every second? is this my burden alone to bare?
he is hurting but hes trying to be strong. its a man thing. we see men as strong so if he shows weakness, we have no one to rely on. im so sorry for your loss. hes trying to act tough but as women are more emotional (and men bottle things up) and since your body had to change and go through it all, you are going to feel worse. have a chat with him, even if you write a letter as you can not speak about it, let him know how you feel. you need to talk to someone about it to get it off your chest. being a man, he may not be as attached as you were so may seem inconsiderate for your feelings, but you should talk about it as a couple. it is a lot to deal with. i hope you find peace soon. you are in my prayers x
thank you. i keep trying to tell myself he is just bottling it up but it makes me not want to be around him. he is making me feel more alone and i dont know what to do.
i should also mention that we just moved to austria (i am from california) and we are staying at his parents house until we move to our new place. they are acting like nothing is going on at all. they dont ask me how i'm feeling. when i walk by them they make jokes about how i need a drink. i was so close with them before this and i find through this i am starting to hate them.
I'm sorry for your loss. I miscarried in August of this year and I still don't understand what's going on with my husband. He didn't cry, he didn't act upset or really want to talk about it. It took like 2 months later for him to sit down and talk and then he tells me that he just doesn't feel sad...that he is angry that it happened but it happened so there's nothing he can do and I tried to explain that even if he isn't sad about it, I need his support which I wasn't getting...if I cried, he would tell me to go into the other room...so insensitive! Or he'd tell me to stop crying so much. I don't understand why he doesn't get it. I'm sorry that you have to go through that.
Besides my mom and the people here on medhelp I got no support. My boss told me that it was best that I lost my baby (what?) because we were not financially ready for another child. And my MIL has never called to ask how I am doing or any interest in us. It's hard to make people understand what you are going through. I think sometimes people don't know what to say or it comes out wrong.
I will keep you in my prayers and I hope that your inlaws and hubby will be more understanding during this time. ((HUGS)))
If you ever just need to vent or talk to someone send me a message.
From experiance and talking with my hubby i can tell u that yours does care and hurt. We lost our first in april and our second in October ( on the exact due date of the first one). With both I saw him cry very little.He tried to hide it. He told me his job was to be strong for me. Men are the strong ones and there fore they dont like to show weakness. thye feel that if they cry over a child they never held instead of helping us they are hurting. They want us to feel that we have someoneto go to. someone who is strong and that they can lean on. they know if we see them cry we will cry. I will tell u that even a month from now u will catch little things in him that will let u know that he cares. My hubby said that child can have a child and we cant. How is that fair. but it took him months to say that. Mine goes to the ob with me and makes me laugh everytime iwant to cry. With the frist one he ask me to stop talking about it after a month. with this one i just knew how he felt and at times i have seen him fall appart. We see tv shows about parents not wanting there kids, women miscarring, or adoptions falling through and we both cry, Him far less then me and he hides it so well i have to really watch to see it.
Trust me your husband is hurting as much as u are.
now for the inlaws: My mother in law and father in law neither one know what to say or do. my father in law ignored me for a wk with the first one. He was scare to say the wrong thing. They dont know how u feel or what to see or what to think. They themselves experiaced a loss and dont know how to express it. My mother in law brought me fruity drinks, pads, diapers, and my pain killer meds the with the first one. she put in the seat of my dh truck while i was in the er. with the second one she gave me a neckless 4 days after it happened and said here that is all i know to do. I am sure they mean no disrespect but are just not sure what to say or do. That is how i had so see it with my inlaws. my mom and dad came to stay with us and just hold me but theyknow me well and feel confortable asking me how i feel and seeing me cry and fall apart and know what to do. The inlaws are the guys parents. the cant hold him like they want to. and i am sure they do know whether to hug u or leave u be. different people deal with lose differntly. some people want to talk, cry and be held while others want to be left to cry by themselves. somee even wantt to pretend it never happen and leave it be.
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