desperate

[mikeysmom750]

Hi, I came here in March of this year after my first miscarriage. I then left and now Im back because I am just so desperate for support that I feel actually helps me! I feel like such an ungrateful person when friends or family try to help and all I want to do is scream at them. I get so angry so easily and feel like they couldnt possibly understand yet that is one of the first things they say.. "I understand how painful this must be"...ummmm NO..you dont because youve never had a miscarriage so how the hell could you??? I am blowing up my husband all the time because since the miscarriage, he continues to just act as if everything is just supposed to go back to the way it was...that I have two other children to take care of and so I need to "get it together"....I feel so alone and tormented by my own mind that just never shuts off. I run into the bathroom and sob into towels so nobody hears me cry. I rip up paper to try and get out my anger...I feel like Im going insane! My doctor has given me clonopin to help me sleep and sometimes even that isnt strong enough to overbear the pain that keeps me awake! I want to go to therapy but my husband is such a private person. He is having absolutely no part in any of us going to a "wackjob doctor".... he makes me feel like Im crazy, not normal and I hate myself sometimes because he seems so okay and I just dont get how he could be. He has taken a second job which leaves him gone most of the time and sometimes I am understanding that it is probably his way of dealing but then I also get so angry because I feel so abandoned!! I cant focus on me, my recovery, my health, my kids, my marriage...ALL at once and on my own and thats what I feel is happening. It feels like a time bomb...just waiting to go off and I am so scared and worried for when or if it will. I dont want to lose my husband. Before our loss, our marriage was good. Strong. We had our problems, as do all couples, but we ALWAYS communicated and worked through them as a team. I never felt so distant from him and I dont know what to do. I had to go to my last appt alone because he wouldnt go with me. I was getting an u/s and he said he couldnt bare to see nothing on the screen. I understood but what about me? Did he think I could? I was left no choice....and sometimes I dont understand why he thinks he has one. It was his child too...just because it wasnt his body, doesnt mean he has a choice!!! Am I overreacting? He is a wonderful father...I couldnt ask for a more responsible man yet he is changing before my eyes in ways that is doing so much more damage. Am I just so emotional that Im pushing him away rather than me thinking he is pulling away? My kids dont even ask anymore whats wrong. They did, then we finally told them what happened and they havent really mentioned it much. Kids are resiliant I guess or maybe its them picking up on their father suppressing it and so they are too and that worries me as well. So many things run through my mind all the time that I feel like if I dont get some relief, my life will indeed suffer yet another tragedy and I dont know how to avoid it when I am so weak, tired, drained.....I cant be his rock right now. I cant be strong all the time....and this is the first time ever in my life where I have felt so vunerable and weak! All I have is this site....thats all Ive got right now and I hope by posting and reading others stories that I find some relief and comfort. Please, anybody else had this much difficulty with their husbands after? Or anyone with kids...how did you deal with it while also remaining the mom they needed you to be? My husband and my kids are everything to me!! I dont want to let them down but I dont know what to do in order to not too either....please help. Any feedback would be appreciated...thanks.  

[Chitty7]

...well I did not respond "just" b/c you responded to me. I suppose it was a way of saying "Thank You" and that I could empathize with what you are going through (in a way). It's always easier to help someone looking from the outside in. I've seen very intelligent people who have the answers to their own problems (give it to another person) but cannot help themsleves. It's just not always that cut and dry. I understand how it feels when you feel completely useless and/or worthless b/c you cannot see the reward to your efforts or that the exact opposite of what you are trying to accomplish is happening (so you feel as if you failed). Ask yourself, why do I feel this way? and really be honest with yourself. Being a mother and a wife in most cases is a thankless job but the gratification does not come in the form you may be looking for. I am very sorry about your m/c and can't imagine how hard it must be but sometimes you have to look at things a little differently. I always try to find the silver lining in everything. I won't go into specific examples b/c it would just sound horrible but maybe the universe was sparing you, your family, and/or your child from something far worse than what you are going through now (even though it does not seem that way). You really cannot ask "why did this happen" in a situation like this b/c you will never find the reason only agony searching and most likely more questions. It's these experiences that define who we are and who we will become, you decide what to do with them. I really do think you should have you hormones checked or at least allow yourself some time for them to naturally balance themselves. As far as you thinking that you are useless... everytime you think you are look at the faces of your 2 beautiful children and know you can never be usless b/c they will always need you (no matter what they say or don't say). You may not realize it but you effect the lives of people everyday sometimes with just a simple smile to a stranger passing you on the street... I suppose that is enough of my babble but I am happy to listen and respond should you need an ear or just some friendly words. I hope(know) that everything will work itself out for you. Hang in there and don't let those thoughts get the best of you (your mind can be your own worst enemy).

[mikeysmom750]

Thank you for all your input. I appreciate you taking the time to express so much of your experience with me!!! It made sense and gave me a different perspective. And you did not haveto respond to my situation just because I did to yours. I was very happy too. It made me feel, for at least a brief moment, that I was not braindead and not useless! It was nice to feel like I had something to give, since lately feeling useless and worthless is predominant! So, it was really my pleasure. You seem like a very well rounded, smart and strong person....and Im glad that we found eachother on here. Even if it was very stressful times in our lives that brought us together...thanks again for all your input.....I really do appreciate it and I do feel like it has helped me to better understand a few things. I will try your breathing technique....maybe before bed...to try and clear all the voices in my head!

[Chitty7]

...you had posted your experiences to my question so I thought I might do the same for you. I find it funny (not haha) how everyone always has the simple answers to a problem that is very real and devastating to you. Clearly, I have my own issues at hand and I don't have the answers for you but most of the time you have the very answers you're looking for and don't even know it. I don't have any kids, never had a miscarriage, and I'm not married (though i've been w/ my partner longer then most marriages have lasted) but I do know how hard it is to feel like there's nowhere to turn when you just need a little peace and understanding. I actually have an incredible partner who's has taught me some amazing tools for dealing with stress and depression. A great tool for on the spot stress is just breathing (I know this sounds incredibly simple but works for me). When everything started happening with me here lately the stress sent my blood pressure soaring (we have a BP cuff in the house) he told me to lie down on my back, take 10 deep slow breaths, in through my nose and out through my mouth... slowly (almost like your whistling but no sound comes out). By the time I finished doing this my blood pressure dropped 15 points and I certainly felt a little better (even though the insanity had not stopped)... I think a big reason you may feel crazy has to do with your hormones being out of whack (you may want to get a hormone panel by your doc to see). Most people do not realize what a big role our hormones play in mental health and physical health (I say this from experience). Your body did just recently go though a ton of hormonal changes so it all makes perfect sense. Another big thing for stress is meditation. It's usually in those times (during meditation) when you can actually clear your mind and find some of the answers you've been looking for (and they came directly from you) it's when all the noise in your head stops. One thing I learned from being with my partner is you don't always have to understand what the person is going through to be understanding. Sometimes just knowing a person is suffering is all you need to know and given that I'm sure you know your husband rather well you don't have to understand why he does what he does... just find ways to help him through like you know how. So I'm sure that leaves you saying what about me? A woman has the hardest job in the world she must be strong for her entire family and will usually get no credit for it (its the age old saying "behind every great man there is an even greater woman"). I'm going t use a stupid example here to explain the what about me comment. I absolutley love getting back massages (who doesn't?) but trying to get one from my partner was like pulling teeth and then when I did it was this half a** effort. So when it came time when he wanted one (which was more often than I asked) it was like "yeah I don't really feel like it or I'm tired or a half a** effort" in my head though it was like "no you never do it for me so why should you get a good one" and that's where I went wrong. One day it occurred to me so what if I never get another one from him, I can see him sufferring and this might help ease his stress (at one point I was doing this everynight until he fell asleep) and then guess what happened? I didn't have to ask, he would just come and give me rubs out of nowhere (not half a** ones either). Now I know that in no way compares to what your going through but it's the same idea... sometimes you have to give what you want to get what you need. As far as the craziness you feel and probably act out towards him just be honest (but don't do this when your upset). Just tell him one day in a calm way that "You haven't been feeling like yourself lately, that this is all too much and you need time for yourself, tell him your sorry for acting crazy and anything you might have done in those moments" this will go along way. Your husband knows you and knows that this is not normal behavior so it will make sense to him even if he doesn't understand why your going through this (he doesn't need to). I don't know what you have said to him or not but in most cases if you said it to him in an argument or a heated moment it lost all meaning. All he heard was noise. Tell him in a calm moment. He doesn't have ESP and he isn't going to just figure it out. That goes both ways. Well, I know i've been all over the place with my thoughts but I hope maybe you can find some comfort in what I said. It's not your fault, your not going crazy, and your only human. You have a ton of responsibilty and it can get to be too much with everything going perfectly ("Heavy is the head that wears the crown") nevermind after such a big loss. Give yourself time, don't force anything. Take your time and heal menatlly and physically (and let your hormones get back to normal!). Best wishes to you and your family!

[mikeysmom750]

Wow...I am crying right now as I see everyones words of encouragment and strength, caring and sharing and that you all took time out to say them all to me! This may sound strange, but it makes me feel like I matter. Because so much of my life and inside myself, I feel like I dont. I dont even know if I can even express what it is Im trying to say because I am so extremely overwhelmed by how much support you have all extended to me! Total strangers!!!! I am very thankful for finding this site...and I apologize if I am not responded correctly, or quickly....etc. I am trully overwhelmed! I honestly did not think I would come on just now and see all of your messages and reply's...acceptance....etc. So I will say what I know for sure is something that will make sense and that is THANK YOU ALL.....SO VERY VERY MUCH AND FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!!!! Gonna take a breather...cuz I am crying so much that my vision is blurred and I am having a hard time seeing the screen!!!!

[rccresswell]

I think that is so true about this website, it has really helped me cope because you're right we all know how each other were and are feeling.

So many friends and family members try to comfort you but really there is nothing they can say or do that can make the pain go away it all lies within yourself and you are right it can either make you or break you.

My husband was the same as every other male which made me angry because I thought he didn't care but really he didn't know what to do or say so she just got on with it.  I think that is something I had to understand after a screaming match we had lol.  

This sounds strange but it showed me how much losing our son really affected him.  Before I miscarried my husband would play poker and he would be in the top 15 everytime.  After I miscarried he would be home early because he had lost.  The day we got our son back and buried him he won and he has been in the top 8 ever since.  My husband said that he thought that Ethan our son never impacted him only to realise he did.  I think losing a child does impact your husband I just think they only way to deal with it is to move on.

When I lost Ethan I isolated myself, I had mood swings   - I was happy one minute, wanted the scream the next, wanted to talk and then I wanted to be left alone.  I remember my youngest son walking around the house saying "mummy has a baby in her tummy" that just made me fall apart as well.  I kept myself busy with the garden the house only to be exhausted and then while I was resting have to visit all of those feelings and emotions again.

I did speak to a councellor and she made me realise what I was feeling was ok even though I hd pressure from everyone else to move on.  She gave me steps on how to get out the house, how to be intimate again.  I think it is all in small steps but you have to be ready to take them.

Personally there are lots of things I am still struggling with.  I can't be around friends/acquaitances and if I do I have to fight back the tears,  I can't be intimate without crying at the end.  However I am able to be around my close friends and that is a big step I decided to make because I didn't want to stay at home for the next few months.

In the end I believe you will only move on if you choose to move on. The only thing that keeps me strong is knowing I can always try again, my children and that my baby is safe!!!!  If I didn't allow myself peace with that I never would have moved on but smr08 is so very true it can make your stronger and live and that is exactly what I chose!!!!  

Mikey start with little steps.  You could start by smiling once during the day, you could tell your husband a word of how you are feeling so he knows.  I would say to my husband I am angry and he would leave me, I would say I'm upset and he would give me a cuddle.

I really hope you start feeling better soon :)  Most importantly take your time!!!!!

[smr08]

I'm so very sorry to hear how sad you've been. Loss is such a very hard thing to deal with especially the loss of our children. I told you a little about myself lastnight and how many losses i've had so I know all to well what your going through. I promise you, the pain does get easier. When I lost my son in Oct. 2008 at 5 months pregnant I never thought I would survive the days ahead of me. Everyone tried to help and to understand, but how can you if you were never there? So I began to shelter myself from people, my family and friends, I just wanted to be alone and cry. Everyone was telling me what I "needed" to do, but what I needed to do was grieve. I spent several weeks living outside of myself, nothing mattered anymore, I was just existing. I thought about going for counseling but I was scared to death to tell a professional how dark I felt. My husband would listen when I would talk about it but he was also quick to change the subject, thinking he was protecting me, when I thought he just didn't care. I finally stumbled upon this site and lurked around for a bit, it was then that I realized that I wasn't alone after all, there were so many women in the same state as myself and I finally posted my story. I was now among women who really understood what I was going through and I found it so easy to talk to them, like i've known them forever. Sometimes we would just post funny stories or start asking a strange question, we really brought laughter to each other's lives at such a dark time. I've had 2 losses since then and armed with some knowledge I now know how the grieving process works. I learned that going through a loss can make or break you, I choose to get stronger and live. I think about my babies all the time, and sometimes i'm able to smile just knowing that I have the most perfect guardian angels a mom can ask for. I hope soon you will find peace and strength and realize that you are a stronger woman than you give yourself credit. Sending you a ((((HUG))))

Lori

[lil_lady25]

Im sorry to hear about your loss. I as well have had a tough time dealing with my m/c's and have sought help through a therapist. At first I didnt want to go because my significant other thought it wasnt nessecary. But I was down and depressed all of the time and needed help even if he wasnt going to be supportive. I only went to one appointment but felt so much better afterwards. She told me that it was possible to be suffering from post-partum depression even after m/c. It was nice to get it all out and be able to tell her my deep and dark thoughts with no care about her judging me. These are things I wouldnt even share with my significant other. I didnt go back because I truly didnt feel like I needed to. Dont feel like you are crazy at all. Losing a child at any point is heartbreaking and traumatizing. I hope that you find the help that you need. I would definitely seek counseling with a grievance counselor or a therapist regardless of what your DH says. You can always go alone. I dont think I would have even been able to move forward if I didnt go. I wish you the best of luck. Sorry your hurting.

[myenzoorka]

It sounds like you may be dealing with depression - which is COMPLETELY understandable.  You should find some counseling, even if your husband is unwilling to go.  Counseling doesn't need to involve both of you for it to be effective.  I don't know your husband (obviously) but I do know the men tend to deal with pregnancy and miscarriages in very different ways from women.  I had a miscarriage several years ago (I had not known I was pregnant before the miscarriage).  My husband was very dismissive about the whole thing.  It's a pain he never felt, really.  We, as women, often have an instant bond with our baby as soon as we know we're pregnant (or shortly thereafter) - but men usually bond to a baby at birth.  It's harder for them to get so connected as the baby is an intangible being inside someone else - they can't see it, hear it, touch it.

Your husband may or may not be avoiding you - what he is probably avoiding is all the pain - even your pain.  The best thing to do is to heal yourself right now, then you can address him and his problems.  But you may find that when you start to heal, so does your relationship.  As for your friends and family who claim to know how it feels - tell them they know where they can shove it... okay, maybe only in your mind should you say that.  They are, undoubtedly, trying to be sympathetic.  The problem is that no matter how much they want to be there for you or sympathize, to you, they will never fully understand because they do not feel the way you do.  I think they're really trying to let you know that they understand that you are in pain - beyond that they cannot comprehend what you're going through.  Because of that, though, they will not be able to know how to help when you need it.  So, tell them.  If you don't want them to say anything, if you want a shoulder to cry on, if you want time to yourself, if you want to be pampered - tell them.  I wish you the best of luck in finding a way to heal from your incredibly painful loss.

[rccresswell]

Hey mikey

I am really sorry for your loss and I hope I do not offend you.  Everyone on this website have experienced a loss or several losses and it is ok to move on when you are ready to. I think you are pushing your family away because you are right, they don't understand what you are going through and unfortunately they never will and that is something you need to understand.  For everyone else life goes on and at the moment your life is standing still because you are too scared to let go.  There is nothing that they or anyone can say to make the pain go away because only you have the power to do this.

There are several ways that enable you to let go or to handle or even comprehend the loss.  You could start writing a journal, plant a flower in rememberance of your child.  You can change this negative thing into something positive.  Remember the good times rather than the miscarriage itself.  Remember when you thought you were pregnant and the nerves you felt before you took the test, remember the bfp you got when you found out you were pregnant and remember how you would touch your tummy when you found out you were pregnant.  Remember the instant love you felt for your child during the first few weeks.

As hard as it may be or sound what has happened has happened and there is nothing you can do to change it, but you can find ways to better deal with it.  Although your baby didn't make it you will still have those positive memories. You are not selfish or a bad mother if you do move on because your child will always be in your thoughts and you need to realise that.  Don't be afraid to move on and appreciate what you have in your life right now!!!

Stay strong and try to understand how your family are feeling with the way you have been dealing with your emotion!!