Aa
talk about torturing myself!!!!!!
I dont know why I did this and I'm kinda hoping that someone replies to this saying that they have done it too so I dont feel so stupid. Anyways.... I was going through all the different forums this site has to offer and came to the pregnancy forums with the different due dates... do you see where im going here? yes... i clicked on March and started reading different ones talking about symptoms and all that and then i read one that was asking others if they are feeling there baby move yet and i realized that i should be 14 weeks now with twins and I would say that i should be feeling them now. waves of hurt then anger then frustration then sadness came over me all in a split second. its amazing how so many feelings can be felt in that split second. I quickly realized what I was doing and clicked out of the forum.
Whats really frustrating to me right now is there are a handfull of you on here that have become my friends and ill admit that my good friends are either in New Zealand or Australia or in other States. and now ive just moved to anther place where I know no one and have to start making friends over AGAIN. ive had no one to share my pregnancy with besides DH because we were only living there about 4 months before we had to move again and the only ones besides DH to help me with my miscarriage are the ones ive met on here.
after reading the due date forum i think it would be so cool if all the ones ive met on here are to be able to meet up in the due date forum within months of each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that how ever long it takes for me to get pregnant again ill want to keep in contact with updates and encouragement and all that but it would just be nice if it was on the due date forum thats all.
I know im rambling on now. I had finished with the computer for the night and was nearly asleep then my DH got a phone call to go fix the helicopter at the hospital... now im wide awake.
Whats really frustrating to me right now is there are a handfull of you on here that have become my friends and ill admit that my good friends are either in New Zealand or Australia or in other States. and now ive just moved to anther place where I know no one and have to start making friends over AGAIN. ive had no one to share my pregnancy with besides DH because we were only living there about 4 months before we had to move again and the only ones besides DH to help me with my miscarriage are the ones ive met on here.
after reading the due date forum i think it would be so cool if all the ones ive met on here are to be able to meet up in the due date forum within months of each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that how ever long it takes for me to get pregnant again ill want to keep in contact with updates and encouragement and all that but it would just be nice if it was on the due date forum thats all.
I know im rambling on now. I had finished with the computer for the night and was nearly asleep then my DH got a phone call to go fix the helicopter at the hospital... now im wide awake.
Why wait for another miscarriage?? Especially if you're still hurting and wondering "what if" after this loss. 2 minutes and a competent pair of eyes could possibly identify an obstacle or rule it out, sparing you the pain and torture of a miscarriage and may help bring a baby into the world. The ultrasound is cost-effective and painless. I'm glad my doc was pro-active and looked into it without making me wait for repeated miscarriages, like my friends' docs have. I was lucky that there was a cancellation for an appointment and that my next 2 cycles lined up perfectly for the HSG and hysteroscopy, so soon we'll be back on track. I'm also grateful that we didn't get pregnant again before we learned all of this because the embryo would most likely implanted on the septum and have died due to the lack of blood supply. The torture of the "what ifs" with the knowledge I have now would have been unbearable! I believe each potential life is precious and don't know if I'd be as strong as my sister going through 4 back-to-back miscarriages with NO answer but then two more miracles afterward that I couldn't imagine life without. I may still miscarry because of my age, but at least now, I know I've done all that I can to give my future pregnancies a chance.
very interesting. I will for look into this if i have another miscarriage. Thanks for the post!!!!
Thanks for sharing...I have endo, fibroids, and cysts! I am going to try to put off any surgery. If I get my successful pregnancy then I am just going to have a hystorectomy later on...I hope everything goes wonderful for you and you get your BFP next month!
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year; we had a miscarriage @ 6 1/2 wks in April 2008. I decided to seek out more info and went to a wonderful reproductive endocrinologist through Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. I am Catholic and not interested in "fertility treatments," but figured knowledge is power and perhaps some blood tests were in order to see if there is anything organic I could possibly do something about. She diagnosed the problem within 2 minutes of examining me. Using a transvaginal ultrasound (the same type used after my miscarriage), she identified a partial septum; she then sat me down, drew pictures to illustrate what this meant and discussed my options. The most concise and complete information I have found regarding congenital anomalies can be found at this link:
http://www.gehealthcare.com/usen/ultrasound/education/products/cme_uterus.html
It took a lot of Googling about Septate Uterus, but I ended up with quite an education! In all my fertility and pregnancy books, "uterine anomalies" usually only had a few sentences and referred to endometriosis or fibroids. Congenital anomalies are more common than people think and unless you know what you are looking for, the available information is scarce. I just spent 3 hours in Barnes & Noble today and found only 2 books that referenced it in any detail. I am doing a lot more research into this and am planning on writing much more about it to post on other sites where people look for possible clues and answers, but felt compelled to share what I've learned so far with you now at 2:00 AM because I can relate to your anxiety.
When my doc discovered this, the first thing that popped into my head was, "Hallelujah! There is something my husband and I can do about it." BTW, my doc also checked out my ovaries and found many, many follicles waiting to become bebes! Another BTW, I am the eternal optimist: I was conceived after a miscarriage, I waited for many years to find the right man, got married in 2006 and am trying start a family. I am now 40 years old and my mother was 42 when my baby brother (now 30) was born - doc said that's good news for me. But, I digress. My second thought was, "Why is this simple diagnostic test not being performed at least once during a routine gynecological exam in women before they suffer the pain of miscarriage or unexplained infertility?" I intend to find out why or why not.
The next step was to get an hystersalpingogram (HSG) to confirm my doc's diagnosis and to check if my Fallopian tubes are open (if they weren't, she could easily perform a Tuboplasty right then and there - similar to an Angioplasty in the heart). This involved scheduling between days 6 & 10 of my cycle (to allow the best view of the uterus) and the injection of contrast dye. My tubes looked great and the septum was clearly defined; it was larger than she had originally thought. BTW, any radiologic tech can perform an HSG, however, many times a misdiagnosis of bicornuate uteri is made. Therefore, I had to pay $430 out-of-pocket because my doc was the one performing the HSG and the outpatient radiology place is not on my insurance's provider list - I was happy to pay it to have it done properly and will attempt to appeal the denied claim (will update on success).
The next step was to schedule outpatient surgery (again between days 6 and 10 of my cycle) where my wonderful doc would essentially "snip away" the fibrous tissue that lacks a blood supply and therefore can cause recurrent miscarriage, placental problems and/or pre-term delivery and only allow a full-term baby 4.4% of the time. Initially, she was going to us a local anesthetic, but because the septum was broader than she had originally anticipated, it was necessary to use a general and intubate me for the procedure.
My surgery was this past Friday, October 10th. It took less than an hour and my super doc said she basically snipped and the tissue pulled back like a spider web; she stopped when I started to bleed. Her job was to know how much to cut without perforating and when to stop. Bravo! I felt some cramping as I came around (probably from what they used to expand my uterus so she could see, either fluid or gas - I'm thinking it was gas), but a heating pad and Ibuprofen did the trick nicely. She advised, "I can't put a band-aid on it or stitch you, so you may bleed for a few weeks, maybe until your next period." I've been home taking it easy all weekend... except for cabin fever late Saturday that made me suddenly want to stain the deck - I paid for it that night though. Aside from over-doing it, my only discomfort was a slightly sore throat from the LMA they used to tube me and that pain was gone Sunday afternoon after sucking on a few cough drops.
All in all, I was never nervous and felt empowered that my husband and I could do something about this; he's been great! I have been bleeding bright red blood since Saturday night (wearing only panty liners), but there's been no pain and I will schedule my follow-up for 2-3 weeks from now - only light exercise now, so no kickboxing. Family has been sending care packages and I've resorted to box-kicking instead. haha Doc wants us to wait until after my next period before we resume sex and I'll ask her when we can start TTC again. I hope this information is helpful. The best advice I can offer is:
* Ask questions. Write them down. Don't feel rushed - ASK them. If you are not satisfied with the answer, ask them again.
* Be your own advocate. Educate and empower yourself.
* You are ENTITLED to a second opinion. It will not offend your doctor; if it does, find a better doctor with thicker skin.
All the best. Oh, and this is from a very good friend of mine:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BABY VIBES}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
http://www.gehealthcare.com/usen/ultrasound/education/products/cme_uterus.html
It took a lot of Googling about Septate Uterus, but I ended up with quite an education! In all my fertility and pregnancy books, "uterine anomalies" usually only had a few sentences and referred to endometriosis or fibroids. Congenital anomalies are more common than people think and unless you know what you are looking for, the available information is scarce. I just spent 3 hours in Barnes & Noble today and found only 2 books that referenced it in any detail. I am doing a lot more research into this and am planning on writing much more about it to post on other sites where people look for possible clues and answers, but felt compelled to share what I've learned so far with you now at 2:00 AM because I can relate to your anxiety.
When my doc discovered this, the first thing that popped into my head was, "Hallelujah! There is something my husband and I can do about it." BTW, my doc also checked out my ovaries and found many, many follicles waiting to become bebes! Another BTW, I am the eternal optimist: I was conceived after a miscarriage, I waited for many years to find the right man, got married in 2006 and am trying start a family. I am now 40 years old and my mother was 42 when my baby brother (now 30) was born - doc said that's good news for me. But, I digress. My second thought was, "Why is this simple diagnostic test not being performed at least once during a routine gynecological exam in women before they suffer the pain of miscarriage or unexplained infertility?" I intend to find out why or why not.
The next step was to get an hystersalpingogram (HSG) to confirm my doc's diagnosis and to check if my Fallopian tubes are open (if they weren't, she could easily perform a Tuboplasty right then and there - similar to an Angioplasty in the heart). This involved scheduling between days 6 & 10 of my cycle (to allow the best view of the uterus) and the injection of contrast dye. My tubes looked great and the septum was clearly defined; it was larger than she had originally thought. BTW, any radiologic tech can perform an HSG, however, many times a misdiagnosis of bicornuate uteri is made. Therefore, I had to pay $430 out-of-pocket because my doc was the one performing the HSG and the outpatient radiology place is not on my insurance's provider list - I was happy to pay it to have it done properly and will attempt to appeal the denied claim (will update on success).
The next step was to schedule outpatient surgery (again between days 6 and 10 of my cycle) where my wonderful doc would essentially "snip away" the fibrous tissue that lacks a blood supply and therefore can cause recurrent miscarriage, placental problems and/or pre-term delivery and only allow a full-term baby 4.4% of the time. Initially, she was going to us a local anesthetic, but because the septum was broader than she had originally anticipated, it was necessary to use a general and intubate me for the procedure.
My surgery was this past Friday, October 10th. It took less than an hour and my super doc said she basically snipped and the tissue pulled back like a spider web; she stopped when I started to bleed. Her job was to know how much to cut without perforating and when to stop. Bravo! I felt some cramping as I came around (probably from what they used to expand my uterus so she could see, either fluid or gas - I'm thinking it was gas), but a heating pad and Ibuprofen did the trick nicely. She advised, "I can't put a band-aid on it or stitch you, so you may bleed for a few weeks, maybe until your next period." I've been home taking it easy all weekend... except for cabin fever late Saturday that made me suddenly want to stain the deck - I paid for it that night though. Aside from over-doing it, my only discomfort was a slightly sore throat from the LMA they used to tube me and that pain was gone Sunday afternoon after sucking on a few cough drops.
All in all, I was never nervous and felt empowered that my husband and I could do something about this; he's been great! I have been bleeding bright red blood since Saturday night (wearing only panty liners), but there's been no pain and I will schedule my follow-up for 2-3 weeks from now - only light exercise now, so no kickboxing. Family has been sending care packages and I've resorted to box-kicking instead. haha Doc wants us to wait until after my next period before we resume sex and I'll ask her when we can start TTC again. I hope this information is helpful. The best advice I can offer is:
* Ask questions. Write them down. Don't feel rushed - ASK them. If you are not satisfied with the answer, ask them again.
* Be your own advocate. Educate and empower yourself.
* You are ENTITLED to a second opinion. It will not offend your doctor; if it does, find a better doctor with thicker skin.
All the best. Oh, and this is from a very good friend of mine:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BABY VIBES}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I just joined the forum after reading another woman's story and will paste the reply I made to her at the end, but in the meantime, it's 3:00 AM and I can't sleep, so...
I m/c in April 2008; my first OB appointment was for the 23rd - my 40th birthday and exactly 10 weeks, but we lost the pregnancy on the 4th. My husband initally didn't want to tell anyone about the pregnancy until we were past 8 weeks and heard a fetal heartbeat (after the m/c, I realized that we were spared the pain of not hearing it). I honored his wishes - which was hard! He's an only child, I'm one of 5 and my younger sis had my niece (14) and nephew (13), then 4 m/c then my nephew (almost 4) and niece (16 months) was ready to KILL me for not sharing. He later learned that talking about it brought comfort and support, so next time, I'm sure he will welcome prayers. Besides, we both work for the fire department and anyone who's familiar knows it's like a henhouse with all the gossip, so good luck keeping anything private! I have several co-workers whose wives are due exactly when I would've been (right around Thanksgiving), and I am truly delighted in hearing about their progress. I am able to share in the joy of others and understand that I have only a 1 in 10 chance of conceiving under optimal conditions and that when I do, I have a 50% chance of miscarrying, but I know in my heart that I was put on this Earth to accomplish something great and I believe that to be motherhood. Early last month, I looked at my calendar and saw that I circled September 15th and wrote "30" next to it. It took me a minute to realize what it meant. It was my husband's 34th birthday and our 2nd anniversary, but it would have been exactly 30 weeks gestation for our baby. I felt a little sad and surprised at how fast 30 weeks had passed and how soon we would have been parents! I remain ever hopeful. We will have children; if not from our bodies than from our hearts through adoption. Time heals because we reflect and grow. It is not dwelling to think about the things we think about. We feel what we are going to feel. It's okay to cry, laugh, hold someone else's baby, dream, pray, imagine and live. There is life all around us and it is beautiful. I have waited 20 years to be in a stable, fulfilling, loving relationship where I feel confident that my partner will be an excellent parent. Just today, I asked him if his father was affectionate toward him; when he said no, I cried. Neither were my parents, which is why I spent my 20s getting over it and 30s teaching them. Mom died 3 years ago, but she hugged and loved and expressed herself up until I kissed her goodbye on her deathbed (a few weeks before she passed, she approved when I told her I was marrying Rob). Dad now ends every conversation with "I love you." I told Rob that children need to be hugged and kissed and told they are loved every single day, especially when they're bad. This time alone has given us time to grow closer. We freely talk about our future children and share a closeness more so than before. I hope we continue to nurture our love and that we become parents through that desire to love more.
Okay, I'm off to bed now, but maybe this will help some other women from this thread as well: (it won't let me post the whole thing, so I'll try it seperately as another comment).
I m/c in April 2008; my first OB appointment was for the 23rd - my 40th birthday and exactly 10 weeks, but we lost the pregnancy on the 4th. My husband initally didn't want to tell anyone about the pregnancy until we were past 8 weeks and heard a fetal heartbeat (after the m/c, I realized that we were spared the pain of not hearing it). I honored his wishes - which was hard! He's an only child, I'm one of 5 and my younger sis had my niece (14) and nephew (13), then 4 m/c then my nephew (almost 4) and niece (16 months) was ready to KILL me for not sharing. He later learned that talking about it brought comfort and support, so next time, I'm sure he will welcome prayers. Besides, we both work for the fire department and anyone who's familiar knows it's like a henhouse with all the gossip, so good luck keeping anything private! I have several co-workers whose wives are due exactly when I would've been (right around Thanksgiving), and I am truly delighted in hearing about their progress. I am able to share in the joy of others and understand that I have only a 1 in 10 chance of conceiving under optimal conditions and that when I do, I have a 50% chance of miscarrying, but I know in my heart that I was put on this Earth to accomplish something great and I believe that to be motherhood. Early last month, I looked at my calendar and saw that I circled September 15th and wrote "30" next to it. It took me a minute to realize what it meant. It was my husband's 34th birthday and our 2nd anniversary, but it would have been exactly 30 weeks gestation for our baby. I felt a little sad and surprised at how fast 30 weeks had passed and how soon we would have been parents! I remain ever hopeful. We will have children; if not from our bodies than from our hearts through adoption. Time heals because we reflect and grow. It is not dwelling to think about the things we think about. We feel what we are going to feel. It's okay to cry, laugh, hold someone else's baby, dream, pray, imagine and live. There is life all around us and it is beautiful. I have waited 20 years to be in a stable, fulfilling, loving relationship where I feel confident that my partner will be an excellent parent. Just today, I asked him if his father was affectionate toward him; when he said no, I cried. Neither were my parents, which is why I spent my 20s getting over it and 30s teaching them. Mom died 3 years ago, but she hugged and loved and expressed herself up until I kissed her goodbye on her deathbed (a few weeks before she passed, she approved when I told her I was marrying Rob). Dad now ends every conversation with "I love you." I told Rob that children need to be hugged and kissed and told they are loved every single day, especially when they're bad. This time alone has given us time to grow closer. We freely talk about our future children and share a closeness more so than before. I hope we continue to nurture our love and that we become parents through that desire to love more.
Okay, I'm off to bed now, but maybe this will help some other women from this thread as well: (it won't let me post the whole thing, so I'll try it seperately as another comment).
Try going to your account settings, or edit profile. Most of them have a nice easy button for m/c and that's all you have to do. There was one, that I think I ended up deleting my whole profile, to get them stop.
Let me know if you are having a problem with a particular one and I'll try to help.
Let me know if you are having a problem with a particular one and I'll try to help.
how do you un-subscribe from all of those heart stabbing baby sites we so eagerly sign up for....then mc :-(
I just had a m/c last month and it was devastating. It was very painful physically as well as emotionally and mentally. It was a nightmare. At times I find myself whondering why I'm so happy for everyone else that is due around the same time I was supposed to be and then I tell myself how rude and selfish I'am. It's noone's fault I m/c so why should I rain on someone else's parade because they have a healthy pg and I lost mine. Right now I'm battling losing my pg, my mom is dying of cancer and I can't stop fighting with my dh. My life is a wreck so for me things do happen for a reason. I know in my heart if that pg was meant to be I wouldn't have had a m/c. I have forced myself to find closure of I will never move on and have another healthy baby. Hey noone including myslef likes negativity and sometimes pain turns into just that. Have you thought about staying out of that forum for a while and maybe going to a meditation class. I hope you feel better I'm so sorry for your loss. If you need to vent I'm here. Take care and let me know how you are doing. Good luck to you......
I keep the two ultrasound pics I have in my journal. one was at 6 1/2 weeks and the other was the day I found they had no heartbeat. when i was at the specialist I could see a little knob where the arms were starting to develop. every time i go for an ultrasound when I get pregnant again ill be looking first for a heartbeat.
I also have the photos that i was starting to take of my tummy. I hadn't posted any of them yet because i wanted to wait till i was really showing. its crazy how much my tummy had grown in such a short time. All I can think is I want twins again.
Im so glad that i can just ramble on and let it all out like that! Thanks everyone!
I also have the photos that i was starting to take of my tummy. I hadn't posted any of them yet because i wanted to wait till i was really showing. its crazy how much my tummy had grown in such a short time. All I can think is I want twins again.
Im so glad that i can just ramble on and let it all out like that! Thanks everyone!
I still keep my sonagram pictures too. I mean it amazed me that the baby had all 10 fingers and toes, and he/she still wouldn't be OK. But I still get comfort that my little angle is in heaven helping me get through this now.
I also had troulble stop getting the baby updates...it took 2 months to get off of one site that sent me a reminder and picture of the size of my baby...it was so hard!
I also had troulble stop getting the baby updates...it took 2 months to get off of one site that sent me a reminder and picture of the size of my baby...it was so hard!
I can totally relate. I was cleaning this weekend and found our sonogram picture. Part of me was angry and just wanted to throw it away, but then I got sad when I thought that this was the only piece I have left of that baby. It made me think that I would have found out this week what I was having. It gives me such relief to know that this is normal and all of us struggle with this. I can honestly say that no matter who gets pregnant first here, I will be thrilled because I know that suffering that she has gone through. I'm not saying that I don't think others deserve it, but we have all dealt with a huge loss and know that a healthy pregnancy can heal some of that. Good luck, and keep posting stuff to let us know what you're thinking (even if it is completely off topic). We are a family and support system here.
I feel so sad for you :( Right after my m/c, I had to immediately get out of all the other websites I joined to track babies progress. Most of them had a nice little check box that said you m/c, but one of them I couldn't get out of. Every Saturday I get an e-mail from them, about how many weeks pg I am. It stabs my heart everytime. I'm also getting a baby magazine I signed up for. I can't stand to look at them!! And I know I've said this before, but I share an office with a girl 1 week ahead of me. Every day her belly is getting a little bigger and soon she'll find out the sex. I desprately want to be pg before her shower, so I can be happy for her. I had to go to another co-workers baby shower, just a few weeks after my m/c and if it weren't for the glass of wine, I would have never kept a smile plastered on my face. I cried all the way home.
I'm so sorry you've had to move so often. Just know that we are all here for you and I too hope we can get pg together. I haven't had the heart to go back to the pg forum and am glad we get to talk here about TTC.
Big hugs from me and I'll keep you in my prayers.
I'm so sorry you've had to move so often. Just know that we are all here for you and I too hope we can get pg together. I haven't had the heart to go back to the pg forum and am glad we get to talk here about TTC.
Big hugs from me and I'll keep you in my prayers.
Trust me, I know how you feel, I was due in october, the dates varied, but the latest was that I was 14 and a half weeks along and that would have brought my due date this week! It is so hard, I should be bringing my baby home, and here I am not even preg again after all this time. I too don't really have anyone around here, since I moved away from Arizona 7 years ago, I left all my friends and it is always just me an DH. We got this job through my DH's old rodeo buddy and him and his wife life here. I was in the hospital with her when she delivered her first son, and I knew I was preg. I didnt tell them that day, but I remember feeling so excited that i was next!! They were so excited that they would grow up together and be so close in age...now the older he gets, it is just a reminder. It is so hard to go through, but at least i have you guys!
I completly understand...I lived in New Orleans and lost my home to Katrina and moved to TN...All of my close friends are so far away. All of my online friends have become my biggest support...
Monday I would have been 19 weeks so I would know if we were having a boy or a girl by now...We decided to give our baby a name (Cameron) so that I would feel as if my baby had more of an identity...But now we would have been able to give our baby the names that we had chosen before :(
Monday I would have been 19 weeks so I would know if we were having a boy or a girl by now...We decided to give our baby a name (Cameron) so that I would feel as if my baby had more of an identity...But now we would have been able to give our baby the names that we had chosen before :(
I'm so glad im not the only one! now you mention it i guess it could be part of the healing and grieving process. I truly don't even think ive cried enough about my loss. i did non stop before and during the finding out and D&C, but only a few times since. I dont think i should dwell on it though. and maybe part of the healing is focusing on being pregnant again feather than dwell on the my loss.
My DH is such a wonderful support but it would be nice to sit with a friend and just talk about girl stuff! I started a thread not long ago about how i started laughing at how i tell the most personal stuff on here to total strangers... but this is the only place i have to "girl talk" so to speak.
My DH is such a wonderful support but it would be nice to sit with a friend and just talk about girl stuff! I started a thread not long ago about how i started laughing at how i tell the most personal stuff on here to total strangers... but this is the only place i have to "girl talk" so to speak.
I must admit, i have done the same myself. Also, i have read books about what i would have been experiencing if i was still pregnant. I know it feels crazy after you relise what you are doing but i believe that when you are in that mood it is the only thing you can do. Maybe it's part of the healing process. I would have been due on Jan 19th 2009...I am dreading that date, especially if i have not fallen pregnant again.
It must be hard for you to have support from friends and family since you move so much. I know it's not the same but please remember if you ever need to talk....i'm here!
It must be hard for you to have support from friends and family since you move so much. I know it's not the same but please remember if you ever need to talk....i'm here!
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