Recently, my clinical depression has been getting markedly worse. This has been through a significant increase in suicidal thoughts and planning, and most notably, some strange sleep phenomena.
Every night now, when I close my eyes and try to sleep, I seem to have very vivid repetitive thoughts and fears which manifest themselves sometimes with imagery, but often with loud noises such as people shouting them. It startles me very badly and i'm often reduced to crying, shaking, hyperventilating, screaming, suicidal stuff.
I've started taking OTC sleeping pills every night in excess of the recommended dose just so I can get to sleep safely.
I really don't understand it, and can't cope with it.
Further, i'm out of the country for the next 12 days, and it's not reasonable to see someone here.
My prime fear is of being (committed) hospitalised and the loss of control associated with that. The thought makes me nauseated and very uneasy, and when trying to sleep, literally tortures me, but I can't avoid it.
Are you able to shed any light on this? Any suggestions? I don't think its hypnagogia, but could be wrong I guess.
It started around 2 weeks ago with me imagining music, and it quickly becoming too loud to handle (but of course, imagined)
I guess the key question is whether this is a sleep transition phenomenon (meaning something that happens in stage one sleep - which is a funny state which is sleep but which doesn't seem like sleep - the key characteristic of stage one sleep is that time passes without your awareness (like sleep) but unlike sleep if you are awakened from stage one sleep you don't feel as though you were sleeping) or whether this is an awake phenomenon that is manifesting when you relax and prepare for sleep. Do you have any ideas about that? Does it ever happen during times when you are clearly awake? Has anything like this ever happened before?
I've been considering that possibility, because it almost seems as if its just like hyperrealistic thoughts? thing is it happens literally seconds after I close my eyes. for instance last night, closed my eyes (bear in mind i'd taken sleep pills a couple hours earlier) and instantly start hearing my mum talking and like crying and sobbing and stuff, then her voice started morphing into crazy voices and weird stuff.
always really freaks me out and I start like hyperventilating and stuff, eventually getting to sleep when the pills knock me out.
Nope, never really happened before, and doesn't happen in times of being awake i think, but i do get some dissociation and some of the same thoughts messing with my head, but no real hallucinations or distortions unless trying to sleep.
sorry about my writing, in a pretty bad state of mind at the moment.
Additional information. After taking more than the recommended dose, was very drowsy today and so whenever I'd close my eyes I'd be in super vivid dreams, talking to people, reading things etc and then I'd come to and be REALLY disoriented and confused.
So i feel maybe the issue is indeed dreaming, it's just for some reason (particularly at night) the contents are really crazy and upsetting, and very vivid. Like it literally hurts my ears how loud things can get.
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