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OPINIONS NEED! WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO HELP MY 6 YEAR OLD
my son will be turning 6 years old in a couple of weeks. Im not sure how to describe what is going on with out going into great detail.
With in the last year I have noticed a huge change in his mood and self esteem. He went from being a happy care free child to being so sensitive over everything. As his mother I have suffered from depression and anxiety since highschool. I have a couple siblings with addictions and depression issues. Both my parents are considered bi-polar. I worry that my son could be developing some of my family's bad traits...
The things I have noticed my son doing is not wanting to play with other kids. At first I noticed this when we moved into a new house last fall. There are 9 girls my daughters age 5-9 and no boys in the neighborhood. We didnt blame him for not wanting to play. Not only is it not wanting to play with the neighbor girls, its anytime we go somewhere new. If we go to the park, he wants to just sit by us. At school the teacher really has to spend extra time to get him to join in with group activities. Everything all day is "im too stupid", "I cant", "nobody likes me". Its exhausting trying to build his self esteem! When he is at home, and it just the 4 of us (myself, the kid's dad, and his 8 year old sister) he is bouncing off the walls, hyper, impulsive, you name it.
My son has had a little bit of hearing loss from tonsils and adenoid issues. In the last 2 years he has had 2 sets of drain tubs, and his tonsils removed. His adenoids grew back after originally being removed, and had to have them extracted a second time. From these issues he has been behind academically for his grade. We placed him in tutoring to help him catch up. We thought his low self esteem could of came from not keeping up with his peers. After hearing test, second rounds of tubes, tutoring his grades have gotten better, but not his self esteem. (he starts speech therapy in 2 weeks)
Aside from being shy, reserved, and content by himself, he talks
With in the last year I have noticed a huge change in his mood and self esteem. He went from being a happy care free child to being so sensitive over everything. As his mother I have suffered from depression and anxiety since highschool. I have a couple siblings with addictions and depression issues. Both my parents are considered bi-polar. I worry that my son could be developing some of my family's bad traits...
The things I have noticed my son doing is not wanting to play with other kids. At first I noticed this when we moved into a new house last fall. There are 9 girls my daughters age 5-9 and no boys in the neighborhood. We didnt blame him for not wanting to play. Not only is it not wanting to play with the neighbor girls, its anytime we go somewhere new. If we go to the park, he wants to just sit by us. At school the teacher really has to spend extra time to get him to join in with group activities. Everything all day is "im too stupid", "I cant", "nobody likes me". Its exhausting trying to build his self esteem! When he is at home, and it just the 4 of us (myself, the kid's dad, and his 8 year old sister) he is bouncing off the walls, hyper, impulsive, you name it.
My son has had a little bit of hearing loss from tonsils and adenoid issues. In the last 2 years he has had 2 sets of drain tubs, and his tonsils removed. His adenoids grew back after originally being removed, and had to have them extracted a second time. From these issues he has been behind academically for his grade. We placed him in tutoring to help him catch up. We thought his low self esteem could of came from not keeping up with his peers. After hearing test, second rounds of tubes, tutoring his grades have gotten better, but not his self esteem. (he starts speech therapy in 2 weeks)
Aside from being shy, reserved, and content by himself, he talks
Hi there, my heart really goes out to you! That is a lot to deal with. It sounds like you are really strong parents, and I think you are on the right track to check into what is happening for your son.
My own son showed challenges from very early on too. I didn't recognize it at first, because he is my only child, so nothing to compare with. When he hit daycare and kindergarten is when issues became really apparent. Follow your instinct as a mom. I went to 3 different doctors before we found one that would listen. The first gave a diagnosis of ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), but then blamed me as a parent. The second doctor told me nothing was wrong, then blamed my parenting (really, I'm not that bad of a parent - and I knew in my heart, even though I was not perfect, I could not be messing parenting up THAT badly), finally I decided I didn't want to fool around anymore, and went to our Children's Hospital for assessment. It wasn't the complete answer, but it was a start. His current diagnosis is a little shaky, they're not sure, but have suspected bi-polar since grade 4 (age 9), and I know that there is an anxiety component. I found someone who would listen to our story, all of it. You'll know, I think, when you find that person. Keep looking until you do. Create a team of people who support you and your family. It was key for us, anyway.
The most important thing I ever did though, was to empower myself. I learned tools I could use at home to help my son through his challenges by reading, watching educational DVD's, going to workshops, even parenting classes, and most of all by connecting with other parents who face similar challenges. I'm blessed to live in a community that has such a resource. Maybe yours will too? I felt soooo alone so often, and so judged by others. To sit in a room full of parents who were facing similar challenges made me feel stronger. I learned from them what worked for them, what didn't, sometimes I learned what to avoid - and I was validated for the things I was doing right, and could share what I'd learned.
Two of the biggest tools that many of the families in our group found the most benefit from (regardless of the challenges, it seems) are "The Explosive Child" by Dr. Ross Greene - excellent resource for many of us. It talks about Collaborative Problem Solving. Not sure how that might work for you, but I thought I'd share it just in case :-)
The tool I found most useful for us is "FRIENDS for Life" - which is all about giving parents the tools to help their child reduce their anxiety (and anxiety is linked to depression). I attended a parent workshop initially, and found the tools to be really useful. There is an online version of the parent workshop - http://friends.forcesociety.org/ or just google FRIENDS for life parent workshop. That, I suspect from what you've described, you may find really helpful.
This really is a journey, and it can be a bumpy one, but it also has many joys - and the reward is priceless. My son is 14 now, and is in a really great place. I would never have suspected this back in our early days. Be sure you look after yourself well, and nurture your relationships that support you. I have my own challenges with anxiety and depression, and often forget to put my own oxygen mask on first, but when I do, I know things go much better. I wish you all the best!! Keep searching for the resources and people you need to find your tools to help your son - they are out there.
My own son showed challenges from very early on too. I didn't recognize it at first, because he is my only child, so nothing to compare with. When he hit daycare and kindergarten is when issues became really apparent. Follow your instinct as a mom. I went to 3 different doctors before we found one that would listen. The first gave a diagnosis of ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), but then blamed me as a parent. The second doctor told me nothing was wrong, then blamed my parenting (really, I'm not that bad of a parent - and I knew in my heart, even though I was not perfect, I could not be messing parenting up THAT badly), finally I decided I didn't want to fool around anymore, and went to our Children's Hospital for assessment. It wasn't the complete answer, but it was a start. His current diagnosis is a little shaky, they're not sure, but have suspected bi-polar since grade 4 (age 9), and I know that there is an anxiety component. I found someone who would listen to our story, all of it. You'll know, I think, when you find that person. Keep looking until you do. Create a team of people who support you and your family. It was key for us, anyway.
The most important thing I ever did though, was to empower myself. I learned tools I could use at home to help my son through his challenges by reading, watching educational DVD's, going to workshops, even parenting classes, and most of all by connecting with other parents who face similar challenges. I'm blessed to live in a community that has such a resource. Maybe yours will too? I felt soooo alone so often, and so judged by others. To sit in a room full of parents who were facing similar challenges made me feel stronger. I learned from them what worked for them, what didn't, sometimes I learned what to avoid - and I was validated for the things I was doing right, and could share what I'd learned.
Two of the biggest tools that many of the families in our group found the most benefit from (regardless of the challenges, it seems) are "The Explosive Child" by Dr. Ross Greene - excellent resource for many of us. It talks about Collaborative Problem Solving. Not sure how that might work for you, but I thought I'd share it just in case :-)
The tool I found most useful for us is "FRIENDS for Life" - which is all about giving parents the tools to help their child reduce their anxiety (and anxiety is linked to depression). I attended a parent workshop initially, and found the tools to be really useful. There is an online version of the parent workshop - http://friends.forcesociety.org/ or just google FRIENDS for life parent workshop. That, I suspect from what you've described, you may find really helpful.
This really is a journey, and it can be a bumpy one, but it also has many joys - and the reward is priceless. My son is 14 now, and is in a really great place. I would never have suspected this back in our early days. Be sure you look after yourself well, and nurture your relationships that support you. I have my own challenges with anxiety and depression, and often forget to put my own oxygen mask on first, but when I do, I know things go much better. I wish you all the best!! Keep searching for the resources and people you need to find your tools to help your son - they are out there.
Thank you for the refferences, as soon as I am done typing this I am going to check out the friends for life.
I must say when you wrote "I often forget to put my own oxygen mask on first", it hit a nerve! Second time in the last week I had been told that... The first time I did, I started really paying attention to some of the things I have been neglecting personally. I guess we are doing some all around family healing lately :)
I must say when you wrote "I often forget to put my own oxygen mask on first", it hit a nerve! Second time in the last week I had been told that... The first time I did, I started really paying attention to some of the things I have been neglecting personally. I guess we are doing some all around family healing lately :)
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Phew...
That was a long story but well told.
I think you are right to be concerned.
I am not an expert in child psychiatry and I think that that is what you need. Good child psychiatrists can be hard to find but when you find one they can be very helpful with this kind of dilemma. The first place I would start looking would be at an academic psychiatry department at a good medical school.
If you give me an idea of where you are living I might be able to give you some more specific advice.
You might also get the book (although it is expensive) Think Good Feel Good which is available from Amazon and is a pretty good example of a book developed to help motivated and intelligent parents use the principles of cognitive therapy to "coach" their kids about depression.
I think you are on the right track.
That was a long story but well told.
I think you are right to be concerned.
I am not an expert in child psychiatry and I think that that is what you need. Good child psychiatrists can be hard to find but when you find one they can be very helpful with this kind of dilemma. The first place I would start looking would be at an academic psychiatry department at a good medical school.
If you give me an idea of where you are living I might be able to give you some more specific advice.
You might also get the book (although it is expensive) Think Good Feel Good which is available from Amazon and is a pretty good example of a book developed to help motivated and intelligent parents use the principles of cognitive therapy to "coach" their kids about depression.
I think you are on the right track.
Sorry, ran out of room to typ in the first message.
I was saying how my son talks non stop about death! wanting to know what happens when we die, who will take care of him, on and on! He is so concerned with catastrophes! He will come up with questions like "what if a volcano was right there, how would we escape", or "when a tornado hits will it cut me in half". He has mentioned a couple times that he didnt want to leave the house because he thinks it will catch on fire when we leave.
We have learned to be very cautious with what we watch. If sponge bob gets to graphic or intense we turn the channel. His dad and I are very censored in what we talk about, or listen to . I started researching his symptoms and thought it could be add or adhd. II found a pediatric that "specialized" in these diagnosis. I wasnt really happy with the dr. He spent 5 minutes in the room and whipped out his rx pad. The only test he did was a survey of maybe 25 questions for his teacher and me to fill out. I took the rx of for adhd and a sleep aid for night time. The adhd meds have helped but I feel he has more of a depression issue and not a adhd issue.
After looking online for answers, I changed his diet. Not that we eat bad, but I completely cut out all take out, added a more fresh fruit and veggies to our diets, started buying more organic, and less processed foods. I found some children's all natural mood stabilizer vitamins for the kids, and only saw a slight improvement. I have signed him up for gymnastics to help stay active. After 3 attempts to get him to participate, he loves it! I have reached out to a couple of his friends and invited them over for play dates! huge success when his friends are over, but thats only every couple of weeks.
A couple weeks ago he made a reference to cutting his arms so he wouldnt have to take out the trash. My son has only made these kinds of comments to his father (biological) 2 or 3 times. I tend to be the firmer parent, and I honestly think my son made this comment to get out of doing his chores. my husband came to me and ask how the hell he is supposed to react to that! I told my husband to go back to our son, tell him he will be in trouble by the cops for hurting anyone including himself, and he still needed to take the trash out. That was the last time he made a comment like that. Occasionally he will get frustrated for what ever reason (today he dropped a plane me made from legos and it broke into little pieces) and will start to hit himself in the face.
I feel hopeless, and not sure how to handle this. I made a counseling appointment for him because I honestly dont know what to do anymore. Our first visit was just me talking to the councilor. With in 5 minutes I had a complete meltdown! My son goes in next week to start talking to her.
Sometimes I wonder if this is just a phase he is going threw, or borderline "normal" behavior. My oldest child who is 8 has always excelled at everything she has done. She is a honoroll student and brings home rewards weekly for good conduct grades. She has been in gifted programs, and is a great little artist. last month she had two pieces of work put on display at the local art museum. I wonder if comparing to my son to my daughter only makes my son look like he has issues. Deep down I just want it to be that simple but its not, and I know it.
A breif look at our family dynamic is pretty simple. My husband and i have been married for 10 years. and we only have the 2 kids together. I was a stay at home mom for the first 5 years of motherhood. When my son was 2 I went back to school, and started working part time in the medical field.
2009, my husband lost his job in the banking industry, went to school for commercial diving, and we made a 3000 mile move across the country to a new location with no friends or family. We walked away from our house and lost almost everything because of the recession. We have settled into our new state, and because of our sons issues my husband has decided not to dive because it required him to be gone for months at a time. I left my job to stay home to help get him ontrack.
I am just looking for advice and opinions. We do not want to ignore these issues, and be left with a bigger problem when he hits 15! My mother in law thinks I am over reacting, but with my familys past of addiction and depression including my own I dont want to over look anything. I want to mention that my husband and i will have a occasional glass of wine. We do not smoke or do any other drugs. We are consistent with the behavioral we expect from our kids, and have award system. They get points for doing chores and behaving, and points taken away for not doing what is asked. after they fill a sheet with points they get half their money to go to toys r us, and half gets put into a savings account. It usually equals out to 15$ in savings 15$ for toys.
phew.. I told you this would be a long one.. but I didnt want to leave anything out.
I was saying how my son talks non stop about death! wanting to know what happens when we die, who will take care of him, on and on! He is so concerned with catastrophes! He will come up with questions like "what if a volcano was right there, how would we escape", or "when a tornado hits will it cut me in half". He has mentioned a couple times that he didnt want to leave the house because he thinks it will catch on fire when we leave.
We have learned to be very cautious with what we watch. If sponge bob gets to graphic or intense we turn the channel. His dad and I are very censored in what we talk about, or listen to . I started researching his symptoms and thought it could be add or adhd. II found a pediatric that "specialized" in these diagnosis. I wasnt really happy with the dr. He spent 5 minutes in the room and whipped out his rx pad. The only test he did was a survey of maybe 25 questions for his teacher and me to fill out. I took the rx of for adhd and a sleep aid for night time. The adhd meds have helped but I feel he has more of a depression issue and not a adhd issue.
After looking online for answers, I changed his diet. Not that we eat bad, but I completely cut out all take out, added a more fresh fruit and veggies to our diets, started buying more organic, and less processed foods. I found some children's all natural mood stabilizer vitamins for the kids, and only saw a slight improvement. I have signed him up for gymnastics to help stay active. After 3 attempts to get him to participate, he loves it! I have reached out to a couple of his friends and invited them over for play dates! huge success when his friends are over, but thats only every couple of weeks.
A couple weeks ago he made a reference to cutting his arms so he wouldnt have to take out the trash. My son has only made these kinds of comments to his father (biological) 2 or 3 times. I tend to be the firmer parent, and I honestly think my son made this comment to get out of doing his chores. my husband came to me and ask how the hell he is supposed to react to that! I told my husband to go back to our son, tell him he will be in trouble by the cops for hurting anyone including himself, and he still needed to take the trash out. That was the last time he made a comment like that. Occasionally he will get frustrated for what ever reason (today he dropped a plane me made from legos and it broke into little pieces) and will start to hit himself in the face.
I feel hopeless, and not sure how to handle this. I made a counseling appointment for him because I honestly dont know what to do anymore. Our first visit was just me talking to the councilor. With in 5 minutes I had a complete meltdown! My son goes in next week to start talking to her.
Sometimes I wonder if this is just a phase he is going threw, or borderline "normal" behavior. My oldest child who is 8 has always excelled at everything she has done. She is a honoroll student and brings home rewards weekly for good conduct grades. She has been in gifted programs, and is a great little artist. last month she had two pieces of work put on display at the local art museum. I wonder if comparing to my son to my daughter only makes my son look like he has issues. Deep down I just want it to be that simple but its not, and I know it.
A breif look at our family dynamic is pretty simple. My husband and i have been married for 10 years. and we only have the 2 kids together. I was a stay at home mom for the first 5 years of motherhood. When my son was 2 I went back to school, and started working part time in the medical field.
2009, my husband lost his job in the banking industry, went to school for commercial diving, and we made a 3000 mile move across the country to a new location with no friends or family. We walked away from our house and lost almost everything because of the recession. We have settled into our new state, and because of our sons issues my husband has decided not to dive because it required him to be gone for months at a time. I left my job to stay home to help get him ontrack.
I am just looking for advice and opinions. We do not want to ignore these issues, and be left with a bigger problem when he hits 15! My mother in law thinks I am over reacting, but with my familys past of addiction and depression including my own I dont want to over look anything. I want to mention that my husband and i will have a occasional glass of wine. We do not smoke or do any other drugs. We are consistent with the behavioral we expect from our kids, and have award system. They get points for doing chores and behaving, and points taken away for not doing what is asked. after they fill a sheet with points they get half their money to go to toys r us, and half gets put into a savings account. It usually equals out to 15$ in savings 15$ for toys.
phew.. I told you this would be a long one.. but I didnt want to leave anything out.
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