why am i so sad and hate myself

[lostchild3]

My name is lostchild I am always sad. I see myself as a ugly beast. I been sexually abuse by my mom boyfriend when i was young she never took my side she chose him over me. I been in and out of relationships, it seen when a man get to close to my kids I question everything. I have real trust problems and im just mess up I think I will never trust again. After that my mother told my sister husband that i was a mistake and that beening with my dad was her worst mistake in life. I been on drugs got myself off because of my kids I love my kids more then I love myself to be real they keep me a live inside, but at time i catch myself crying and sad and ask myself why i hate my mom for somethings i should have heal from. Please help me understand will i be another fall to deep depression or is a change i can be a little more loving to myself and grow.

[lindahand]

I was never sexually abused but I did have a rough childhood as my mother died when I was 8 and my Dad didn't handle his grief well.

I am on the road to learning to love myself. I am 37 so it is about time. I am very fortunate to have a husband that tells me I am a good person. Problem is I have a hard time believing him. I only see my faults, those things that I do wrong, I am trying to learn how to see myself as God sees me. For me it is a lot of spiritual reading, self help books. John Bradshaw's Toxic Shame is a good one, and fairly easy to read. It is an older book but still in print. Many libraries carry it as well, but if you have to buy it it's under $25.

I am at a point now where I can like myself more. So there is progress. I don't see myself as a wretched beast deserving punishment for being so horrible. So there is a lot of progress.

I would try to find a good counsellor. Here a place called Family Services offers free counselling although the wait list is over a year. Some places have a sliding scale where you pay according to what you earn. You may have to ask around.

[Peter Forster]

Thank you very much for your post.

I am very glad that you are looking for ways of moving forward with your life. Obviously there is a part of you that really yearns for something better, and that knows that something better is possible.

There are so many ways of responding to your email and so many ways that people find of moving beyond such an experience that I hope that some of the other folks who hang out on this forum will post something.

The answers that I have and know may not be all that relevant to your situation, but certainly good therapy with a psychotherapist who is expert in helping folks with childhood posttraumatic stress disorder can be life transforming.

Also, it is important to make sure that you don't sink into depression. So taking antidepressants, especially serotonin medications like fluoxetine (Prozac) or sertraline (Zoloft) can be useful.

Finally, it is very important that you take care of your physical health (for a lot of reasons that I don't have time to go into here). As a mother you know how important it is to take care of your children's health, but it is actually more important for them that you take care of yourself. So, if you need a reason, do it for them. Good diet, exercise, and a reasonable amount of sleep are all part of this.

Take good care of yourself, you deserve it.