An article about MS and marriage/partnership...

[Fluffysmom]

I get these newsletters about living well, and lately there have been articles by a woman that has MS.  I thought I would share one of her articles with you, hoping she might have something to offer that could help us with what we are all going through.


http://www.care2.com/greenliving/multiple-sclerosis-in-the-marriage.html

Kathy

[Mand125]

I was reading reading Steph's comments and it struck me that we probably take it for granted that our partners know as much as we do.

When I was with my husband (now ex) - I had been diagnosed for a couple of years when he commented that my illness seemed to be running a different course than that of my Auntie. She had rheumatoid arthritis! When I explained this he said that he always thought that I had "the same thing as her".

As for my current partner - well this thing is probably going to lead to us splitting up. We love London and recently I had suggested that we book for Christmas. The comment that I got was "what's the use of paying all that money and all you are capable of doing is sitting in a bloody hotel room"!

It makes me cry to even think about it and I realise that it is very upsetting for those who love us but I don't think I am going to get over this.

Actually it has probably done me good telling my medhelp freinds because I have never told anyone about that conversation. - Thanks for being there for me.

Mand

[steph74]

My husnand is very loving an caring, but doing research into what I might have (and has been suspected by the doctors for 7 years) isn't something he'll do.  I was shocked by a conversation I had with him a few weeks ago when it became apparent that he thought MS was fatal.  :(  

I guess this shouldn't surprise me, since when I was pregnant with our first I read every book and did all this research.  I signed us up for a 10 week childbirth class because I wanted him to know what I already knew.  (It was worth it.)  Too bad they don't make the 10 week, "So, your spouse might have a neuro-degenerative disease and isnt' dx yet" class!!  

[PastorDan]

Met last night with a couple planning a wedding next month, and used this thread's topic as an example of the "for richer, for poorer, better or worse, sickness & health" promises.  I think it helped the idea sink in.  I added a lot from my own experiences, too.

If any of you want me to talk to your spouses, incidentally, just send me a PM.

Peace & blessings.

[jensequitur]

I'm very lucky to have a loving, caring, husband, but he doesn't understand how a neurological disease changes you.  I'm not sure I want him to understand, because then he would have to experience it himself.  I recently had to tell him how bad things were two years ago, and he was surprised and shocked!  I thought he was aware of what was going on, because he was having to look after me so often.  I also feel like if he knew more, then he'd worry more, and I don't want that!

[Lulu54]

Kathy.
Thanks for sharing this one.  It was a good read.

I made the mistake of then reading the posted comments and that sure depressed me - I'm so sad for those people whose marriage disolves because of an illness.  That would make another excellent thread to begin somme day - polling everyone about their relationships.  

my best,
Lulu

[Tammy826]

I'm not diagnosed either & tomorrow is our 3rd anniversary. Its really been tough on my hubby as I can't work & was the major breadwinner (I run a bulldozer for 15 yrs) & now with all the medical bills we are fiancially crushed not to mention the illness. He has been wonderful through all of this & when I'm really feeling like one big fat burden to him he just smiles & says for better or worse. I just hope the better comes!!! The days I can't do the housework or cook,he just goes right on & does it without complaining. He has had to drag me out of the tub when I lost all feeling in my limbs & couldn't move, not to mention the endless DRs. appts he sits with me. He does all the driving because I can no longer drive. I really think he gets as angry & frustrated with the drs. not doing their job as much as I do. I guess all in all I'm really blessed to have him! I worry about him all the time because I know I'm not the only one this affects. He has had back surgery & needs another one & is dealing with RA but never complains, he goes out & works as much as he can. Yes, I have been blessed with a wonderful hubby!

[borntolose102]

Sounds like you have a good man, but then again he has a good lady..best to you...

[Wobbly]

I'm not yet Dx or have answers, but I do have so many symptoms that effect my marriage and lifestyle now.  Alot different now then when we got married and I too feel like he deserves more then what I can do now.  He won't listen to that though...says we are in it together.. guess I'm lucky that way..

take care everyone
wobbly
undx

[goofysmom1]

I really identify with the quote you posted as well.  I am very independent, and I am not very good at asking for help.  This is something that I need to work on too.  The irony is not lost on me that I may have a disease that will probably require me to ask for help...

Hugs,
Chrisy

[meg321]

My husband is very good and has paid attention, he is always there for me when needed..its our friends who are diffucult. They don't really undertand soi decided I would have to educate them...I have to because I hang with them a lot.

They have me scheduled to go to SF with them on the 15th and it scares me being stuck with them with no way out on my own.  But they promise to take care of me...a scary thought indeed..lol

I try not to talk so much about it and actually it is getting easier.

thanks for the topic..

hugs, meg

[borntolose102]

my previous comment was for HVAC..sorry about the confusion..:(

[borntolose102]

My wife has been a jewel.  She treats me no different and I am thankful. She married me after I was diagnosed. I was diagnosed in 88 or 89 and we married in 94. We have had hardly any problems. I get more from other folks ie at the gym or something when I dont speak and just workout. I dont tell folks or broadcast it on a t shirt that I have ms, but I will let folks know that most would be in bed and crying if they felt like WE do. Hopefully your husband will open his eyes and heart. He fell in love with you for you. He did not fall out of love because of some crummy diagnosis of something that was out of your control. Hang in there, you will be in my thoughts////

[michelleric]

Thanks for that great article Kathy.

It is really good to know I am not alone with the marriage situation and what changes when a chronic illness gets involved. This was my favorite statement from the article, and is so true.

"The MS patient should be up front about symptoms that are interfering with the ability to function. To assume that your partner will instinctively know without being told is a mistake, and so is holding a grudge if they don’t."

That is me to a tee. I need to work on this, and so does my husband. When I am feeling a bit better, I need to talk to him about couples counseling. Cant hurt anyway, although don't know if he would be too interested. We will see,

Thanks,
Michelle

[HVAC]

My husband and I have such different coping mechanism. He does not really want to acknowledge the MS. He had to be told by the MS Specialist I have MS after I told him. I am on my own with it. I am not sure what will happen when I start needing his help. I am sure he wishes I would just shut about it. I want to know everything about the disease.

He had a dream of going to France to ride in an endurance ride that is held every four years. He said well now that's out. I put away money for him to go. He is not a bad guy. He is great really. He took good care of me after the LP.

This just is not what either of us signed up for. I try to talk to him.

I hate I have to put him through this. He would be sad with out me I know that.

I am in therapy. I hope to not be so self absorbed.  To one day soon wake up and not think about MS.

Alex

[goofysmom1]

Thanks for sharing that.  It is hard enough navigating the health issues, but to try to explain it or get a spouse to understand what we are going through...articles like these can be helpful.

Hugs,
Chrisy