Anyone else feel guilty???

[YayaMommie]

I am having a bit struggle with feeling guilty.  For two things.

I keep thinking that I somehow caused the MS - like maybe from taking anti-depressants for a long time, or ambien, or from not taking enough care of myself over the years and having too much stress in my life.  That I brought this upon myself somehow - it's an autoimmune disease and I didn't take care of myself to prevent it.  

And I am worried sick and feeling guilty about becoming a burden to my family. It's really hard.

I can't be the only one to experience this... I'm just really struggling here.  Don't know what to do.

Big 2.5 hour MRI coming up and I'm scared to death - not only of the MRI (hate them) but I have a sedative - but scared of what more they might find.  Sigh.

Guilt and fear.... ARGH!!!   And there's a beautiful and powerful thunderstorm going on right now.  Seems appropriate.

[YayaMommie]

And I mean better emotionally.  :)

[YayaMommie]

Thanks you guys - all of you.  I'm feeling better.  Tired all the time, but better.

[HVAC]

You certainly have a lot to feel sad about. You have a lot of situations beyond your control. I would be sad and angry. I do not think you have anything to feel guilty about. I reserve guilty for killing, stealing, sleeping around, that sort of thing. Things you do to others intentionally. Getting sick is beyond your control. If anything you are more the victim of circumstances.

We will be happy to respond to anything you write.

Alex

[karryon55]

I'm very good at feeling guilty and it's an emotion amongst many that you will probably feel in the coming months. It's an awful lot that you have been hit with and you have a lot going on in your life.

I see a Cousellor but I only see them every month as that's all I'm eligible for,  so maybe that's a compromise. I know it's your time and money but the Cousellor may be able to assist with some of the things going on in your life. If you make contact with your local MS Society they may be able to provide some assistance with counselling and such. Of course if it's out of your realm then we are always here to listen. :-) We don't know what is going on in each other's lives but we will always offer advice to the best of our ability.

In regards to family and friends acting strangely after dx I can also relate to that one. My mum has a rare form of early onset dementia so I can't include her in this equation but my father & brother cannot speak of any of my medical conditions so I've always felt like I'm in some sort of weird world lol. Apparently not if your mum has the same issues. I have had RA most of my life and that is never discussed but since my MS dx my father will walk away if I even mentioned anything other than a cold medically.

Unfortunately you will find many people will find an MS dx hard to deal with but its your job to educate people on what MS really is in today's world. There is so much fear about MS and occasionally you find the opposite where people decide to briefly read about it after a friend or family member is dx with it and think it's nothing.

I'm not sure how you can eliminate the guilt feeling but I have been told it's a normal emotion and you need to learn to control how much you feel in your day to day life. I have learnt to look at things differently and try to be realistic with my expectations of myself. Your family will be fine whether you have MS or not and you are not a burden ok.

You are in a very difficult place right now and if its financially not possible to get some help then I recommend things like meditation or progressive relaxation to help you manage better. In my country we also have a free help line for people who want to speak to a Cousellor if feeling really bad so see if that's available to you. It's not for any specific medical condition but just for people needing someone to listen.

I hope this helps.

Take Care,

Karry.

[YayaMommie]

Thanks Immi
I agree with my anxiety level. It's off the charts.  Husband out of work for 2 yrs, I nearly died in December - wonderful group of specialist  doctors finally found the rare cause and have been treating me. I'm losing my home - have to sell bec of medical bills.  Wayyyyy deep in debt. Not enough money monthly to cover basics and bills.  I'm the sole earner and if I'm unable to work my family will suffer immensely.  It's a lot to manage.  I'm looking for a second job.  

Now this?!  It's set me over the top.  I'd love to see a counselor or therapist but I'm rural so looking at gas costs plus $40 company each time - I just don't have the $200 a month to see a counselor right now. Maybe after my house sells.  

My family has no insurance at all.  It costs $15,000 per year in premiums for me to cover them.  Then there's copays and deductibles and it's just more than I can manage right now.

This board is my only place to talk to people.  Which I'm glad for. But I'm also sad.  I can't tell anyone that I have MS because my employer will find a reason to get rid of me.  We are a small group and the cost I'm bringing to the group will raise our rates again.  In three years the monthly fee has tripled and the deductible is bigger. They aren't allowed to disclose medical info except to say our group spent a bunch of money.  But if I say anything at all they will figure it out.  Small town word gets around.  I'm afraid to go to an ms group - but I couldn't even find one.  

Kinda out here all alone.  My mom is coping by freakingnout and not talking to me.  My sister is saying it's no big deal - that's her coping mechanism.  

Sorry to go on and on.  I do see a psychiatrist for meds and she is a little helpful but they don't do counseling.  

I will try to stay strong and just deal with it.  

[immisceo]

Ask yourself this. What do your worries accomplish other than making you miserable? Nothing. They are in no way productive. They neither change nor solve anything. They merely starve you of the energy better used for something, anything else at the moment.

Do we all feel guilt and stress from time to time? Yes! But reading over your previous post history, your anxiety seems to be a run-away train that is getting the better of you at present. I would (and personally, I do) speak to professionals about this.

MS is lifelong. We all form a kind of relationship with it, with its unknowns, with its impacts. It's a juggling act. But at the moment, you seem entirely overwhelmed with this transition, and there is help! You're not alone. Speak to your GP or MS nurse or the MS Society about counselling options. I think you'd really benefit. I know I did.