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Executive function issues - OT advice needed
Hi guys and dolls,
I'm not sure how to say what i need to say, thats becoming a problem at the moment, not sure where to start. That seems to be invading my life, knowing i need to do something but not being able to start, where to begin, how to begin. I think my executive function is toasted, fried and scrambled, is there anything that i can do to get it back?
OT but still part of it i think, the other night our daughter stayed the night because she was having another operation in the morning. I had to tell her i was not up to going to the hospital and supporting her, she didn't need convinsing, i'm not right and she could see i'd be more of a burdon than help to her. This is a big big deal, she has Asperger's with bipolar, add, dyslexia and anxiety thrown in the mix, this child is simply amazing, how she's grown and evolved into a beautiful and tender young woman just takes my breath away.
She had a secret she needed to tell, i knew by the watery eyes and emotional trembling that it wasn't going to be anything i wanted to hear. The words were hard for her, i heard a long rendition of what she had done wrong, her fault and corpability in what happened. Her needing me to understand and support her by not changing my opinion of her partner. I still didn't know what had happened but it sounded not good or forgivable!
He drank, and took 2 x 300mg tablets of seriqual even though he's been off them for weeks because of the psychological reactions he has on them. Why he took them is unknown, he just did. He went psychotic, first sticking pins in his hand, then raming his head into the wall over and over, flipping over the bed, ripping draws out of the dresser and smashing them on his head. All the while DD is trying to calm him down, HE BEAT HER BLACK AND BLUE!
I just sat there whilst she told her secret, I didn't feel the rage of anger that raced through me like when her last boy friend hit her, he was a controlling little animal that couldn't hide his true self from me, I saw him for what he was and the fight to get her away from him was long and not with out damage. Why am I not feeling the rage, am I forgiving him or am I simply stuck again, toasted executive function not letting me find a begining of what i should do?
This is now our secret, I cant tell her dad because he will face him with his rage, i feel I have to keep this secret. I know this boy is decent and kind but he did this by his actions, he is responsible and in some respects i think he is more dangerous. She told me that everyone deserves a second chance, i'd taught her that but it never occured to her that he was actually on his third chance because she had stood by him, emotionally and finacially supporting him for almost a year, when he was out of his head because of the drug seriquel (sp), he didn't beat her then so why can she blame the drug and not him when he has crossed the line by an unforgivable act?
Am I mad, I dont hate this boy either but i know i should, I feel nothing, I cant find what i should do, what steps to take, I dont know that i can get her away from this boy or if i should try. I think i could of lost her that night, something stopped him when he was in a psychotic rage, is that a glimer of hope or worse because it shows he had some control?
Direct me, guide me please, I cant work out what to do!!!
JJ
I'm not sure how to say what i need to say, thats becoming a problem at the moment, not sure where to start. That seems to be invading my life, knowing i need to do something but not being able to start, where to begin, how to begin. I think my executive function is toasted, fried and scrambled, is there anything that i can do to get it back?
OT but still part of it i think, the other night our daughter stayed the night because she was having another operation in the morning. I had to tell her i was not up to going to the hospital and supporting her, she didn't need convinsing, i'm not right and she could see i'd be more of a burdon than help to her. This is a big big deal, she has Asperger's with bipolar, add, dyslexia and anxiety thrown in the mix, this child is simply amazing, how she's grown and evolved into a beautiful and tender young woman just takes my breath away.
She had a secret she needed to tell, i knew by the watery eyes and emotional trembling that it wasn't going to be anything i wanted to hear. The words were hard for her, i heard a long rendition of what she had done wrong, her fault and corpability in what happened. Her needing me to understand and support her by not changing my opinion of her partner. I still didn't know what had happened but it sounded not good or forgivable!
He drank, and took 2 x 300mg tablets of seriqual even though he's been off them for weeks because of the psychological reactions he has on them. Why he took them is unknown, he just did. He went psychotic, first sticking pins in his hand, then raming his head into the wall over and over, flipping over the bed, ripping draws out of the dresser and smashing them on his head. All the while DD is trying to calm him down, HE BEAT HER BLACK AND BLUE!
I just sat there whilst she told her secret, I didn't feel the rage of anger that raced through me like when her last boy friend hit her, he was a controlling little animal that couldn't hide his true self from me, I saw him for what he was and the fight to get her away from him was long and not with out damage. Why am I not feeling the rage, am I forgiving him or am I simply stuck again, toasted executive function not letting me find a begining of what i should do?
This is now our secret, I cant tell her dad because he will face him with his rage, i feel I have to keep this secret. I know this boy is decent and kind but he did this by his actions, he is responsible and in some respects i think he is more dangerous. She told me that everyone deserves a second chance, i'd taught her that but it never occured to her that he was actually on his third chance because she had stood by him, emotionally and finacially supporting him for almost a year, when he was out of his head because of the drug seriquel (sp), he didn't beat her then so why can she blame the drug and not him when he has crossed the line by an unforgivable act?
Am I mad, I dont hate this boy either but i know i should, I feel nothing, I cant find what i should do, what steps to take, I dont know that i can get her away from this boy or if i should try. I think i could of lost her that night, something stopped him when he was in a psychotic rage, is that a glimer of hope or worse because it shows he had some control?
Direct me, guide me please, I cant work out what to do!!!
JJ
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thank you for your kind words and advice!
DD is a complicated young lady of 24, she's always attracted the undesirables of this world, male or female it doesn't seem to matter. Being taken advantage of is so common i've lost count, she has learnt the hard way and unfortunately due to her issues this will probably continue through out her life.
She's one of the beautiful people, both inside and out, though she is completely unaware, innocent and nieve! Because of her social issues (Asperger's a form or Autism) she relies on instinct, unlike yours or mine, her instinct gets her in to strife. She misses all the social ques, those warnings that something is amiss, she trusts people way too much, even more so if she has let them into her circle.
The other boy she fell in love with did all the classic abuser behaviors, seperated her from family and her friends, took all her money, made demands of her that were imposible to do, intimidated her and made her feel responsible for every bruise. He felt he had the right to hurt her if he felt like it, filled with self importance he hit her when i was home and he found out how mothers protect their young! Everything got worse, she moved out and he got a stronger hold on her, it only ended when he started openly abusing her in front of his friends and they stepped in to help her. I dont know what they said or did but she got away and has never spoken to him again.
This boy is nothing like that, he's not even cunning, I dont want to sound like i am defending him, just stating it like it is. He called his parents, told them what he did and asked them to come get him because he didn't want to hurt her and he didn't know if he could stop him self. He got her best friend to take photos so if she did report him, she would have proof, he moved out that night and called his psychiatrist the next morning.
He seems more upset than she is, he is frightened by his actions and blames himself completely, she only told me through his insistance, he was going to tell us himself but she wouldn't let him, because dad would probably thump him, he said he'd deserve it. She is blaming the drug seriquel (sp), the alcohol and her self for not reading the signs and not calling for help when he first started self abusing, she doesn't think it will ever happen again because he's never been violent towards anyone in his life before, everyone who knows is in shock.
Which brings me back to me not knowing what to do, i'm so disconnected to how I feel that its like it happened to someone elses child. I honestly dont know if i'd still give him a hug or brake his knee caps, i'm not comfortable keeping this secret but in some ways its better for everyone that i do. I know i cant get her away from him unless she is ready, she will cut me out of her life to hide the truth, close i can help and i may have only that to hang onto.
Seriously its strange that i get calmer when life is throwing whoppers from all direction, i'm always emotionless and even more unflappable. I use to think it was a good trait but now i'm starting to think it might not be so good, it's abnormal for sure. I've always been unflappable during a crissis, the normal shock stress reaction afterwards use to come, now there is nothing during or afterwards. That sort of indicates i'm not experiencing normal stress reactions anymore, or my body cant tell the difference.
Again thank you for your insight and kind words!!
JJ
DD is a complicated young lady of 24, she's always attracted the undesirables of this world, male or female it doesn't seem to matter. Being taken advantage of is so common i've lost count, she has learnt the hard way and unfortunately due to her issues this will probably continue through out her life.
She's one of the beautiful people, both inside and out, though she is completely unaware, innocent and nieve! Because of her social issues (Asperger's a form or Autism) she relies on instinct, unlike yours or mine, her instinct gets her in to strife. She misses all the social ques, those warnings that something is amiss, she trusts people way too much, even more so if she has let them into her circle.
The other boy she fell in love with did all the classic abuser behaviors, seperated her from family and her friends, took all her money, made demands of her that were imposible to do, intimidated her and made her feel responsible for every bruise. He felt he had the right to hurt her if he felt like it, filled with self importance he hit her when i was home and he found out how mothers protect their young! Everything got worse, she moved out and he got a stronger hold on her, it only ended when he started openly abusing her in front of his friends and they stepped in to help her. I dont know what they said or did but she got away and has never spoken to him again.
This boy is nothing like that, he's not even cunning, I dont want to sound like i am defending him, just stating it like it is. He called his parents, told them what he did and asked them to come get him because he didn't want to hurt her and he didn't know if he could stop him self. He got her best friend to take photos so if she did report him, she would have proof, he moved out that night and called his psychiatrist the next morning.
He seems more upset than she is, he is frightened by his actions and blames himself completely, she only told me through his insistance, he was going to tell us himself but she wouldn't let him, because dad would probably thump him, he said he'd deserve it. She is blaming the drug seriquel (sp), the alcohol and her self for not reading the signs and not calling for help when he first started self abusing, she doesn't think it will ever happen again because he's never been violent towards anyone in his life before, everyone who knows is in shock.
Which brings me back to me not knowing what to do, i'm so disconnected to how I feel that its like it happened to someone elses child. I honestly dont know if i'd still give him a hug or brake his knee caps, i'm not comfortable keeping this secret but in some ways its better for everyone that i do. I know i cant get her away from him unless she is ready, she will cut me out of her life to hide the truth, close i can help and i may have only that to hang onto.
Seriously its strange that i get calmer when life is throwing whoppers from all direction, i'm always emotionless and even more unflappable. I use to think it was a good trait but now i'm starting to think it might not be so good, it's abnormal for sure. I've always been unflappable during a crissis, the normal shock stress reaction afterwards use to come, now there is nothing during or afterwards. That sort of indicates i'm not experiencing normal stress reactions anymore, or my body cant tell the difference.
Again thank you for your insight and kind words!!
JJ
Oh JJ, what a truly heartbreaking situation. I think you have been given great advice, which I cannot add to, but I would like to offer my support.
((hugs)) I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts.
~Jess
((hugs)) I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts.
~Jess
So sorry about this. You want your daughter to continue to confide in you but some action and agreement has to be made. Ideally she should not continue any relationship with him.
For starters, get your daughter to agree to get away from him the second he begins drinking. Also, under every circumstance she should not be in his company EVER to "calm him down" no matter the cause.
Did she still have bruises when she had her operation? They should have made note of them. If so, you might consider talking with her doctor and have him listen to you. There is no ethical violation if you talk and he listens, but he must not tell your daughter of the discussion. A third party can make a complaint to law enforcement that abuse is suspected. In most states they are required by law to do so.
Much thought has to be given to this situation and how to respond. There can be serious repercussions. You don't want to damage the relationship and confidence with your daughter BUT you also must do everything you can to protect her. She is vulnerable. How old is she?
Is she ready to leave him? Convince her to get immediate domestic abuse advice. Her life will be a living hell with this guy. His next stupid act may cost your daughter her life.
This situation is a very, very difficult one. It is very easy for this type of situation to muddy your thinking process. This young man is not "decent" enough to be with your daughter. He is dangerous. He has serious psychological problems and I'd bet this is not the first incident of violence.
Please talk with someone. Do you have a pastor or minister to talk with? Call a domestic abuse hotline. They will help you and your daughter.
For starters, get your daughter to agree to get away from him the second he begins drinking. Also, under every circumstance she should not be in his company EVER to "calm him down" no matter the cause.
Did she still have bruises when she had her operation? They should have made note of them. If so, you might consider talking with her doctor and have him listen to you. There is no ethical violation if you talk and he listens, but he must not tell your daughter of the discussion. A third party can make a complaint to law enforcement that abuse is suspected. In most states they are required by law to do so.
Much thought has to be given to this situation and how to respond. There can be serious repercussions. You don't want to damage the relationship and confidence with your daughter BUT you also must do everything you can to protect her. She is vulnerable. How old is she?
Is she ready to leave him? Convince her to get immediate domestic abuse advice. Her life will be a living hell with this guy. His next stupid act may cost your daughter her life.
This situation is a very, very difficult one. It is very easy for this type of situation to muddy your thinking process. This young man is not "decent" enough to be with your daughter. He is dangerous. He has serious psychological problems and I'd bet this is not the first incident of violence.
Please talk with someone. Do you have a pastor or minister to talk with? Call a domestic abuse hotline. They will help you and your daughter.
The hardest thing to bear is watching our babies get hurt like this!
We want to "FIX" it....
Truth be known, if they are over 18, we aren't always able to.
The law no longer stands behind us in protecting our now considered adult child.
I hope and pray DD will be afraid of him enough she comes home
or calls the cops on her own before this monster does perm damage!
This is real and this is terrifying.
I have a daughter that I haven't seen in a year
because of a controlling boy friend.
I have worried and prayed over her.
She disappeared , just a few months after meeting this boy friend on line.
I was shocked, she knew better! Why? I don't know...
She moved out of her home that she purchased with my help at 22.
The house is in her name and it appears the boy fiend talked her into leaving it!
She loved her home! This was not at all like her!
I had to know she was safe and not being held against her will.
So I did a reverse cell check on the boyfriend and her.
Found out where she lived and worked among other things.
I contacted a police friend and asked what I could do.
He kept an eye on her for a while and came back with
report of her seeming happy and was not being held against her will.
Her siblings went to her job and tried to reconnect.
She was glad to see them, but they are not allowed to go to her home.
I am not allowed to go see her, if he sees her talking to me, she will have to pay.
I guess it boils down to the boy friend being angry with me because I made my daughter get her own insurance when I found out he was driving her car.
I also made her get her own cell phone after paying the bill myself
with added fees because of him using features I did not have.
I have had to use tough love because of my daughters, co dependency.
I realized if I kept paying her bills I was helping her be co dependent.
It kills me, but unless she leaves him or calls the cops on him herself....
I'm helpless. It's so sad, I see her pictures and miss her laughter so much!
I do have ways of finding out how she is, and that helps.
I fear for her safety and pray for her safety constantly.
Blood is thick... I trained my children well,
she knows no matter what she can always come home
for shelter and open arms of acceptance and love.
In my heart I know she'll get enough of things one day and be back.
I hope and pray your daughter understands that only she can control this situation..
As far as the .way you feel emotionally, I feel it's a normal reaction to the realization that you need to keep this secret in order for her to be safe.
And because you realize there is little you can do if she can't be convinced to leave or call the cops.
At least she told you and didn't completely hide the situation.
I found that with our disease, added stress of any kind tends to make us feel disconnected and unable to function as well.
I have many hours and even days when I catch myself seemingly "STuCK" !
I know I'm repeating what I've been doing over and over,
or not moving when I need to.
Seems like I think what I need to do, but nothing happens...
If I focus on the blankness that I see and
focus on how slow I am thinking,
I get worse.
I have learned to go with it, relax,
occupy myself with whatever it is that comforts me and
I recover to normal sooner.
Sleep is important too and be sure you are taking your meds..
Best wishes and prayers, I will be checking in on you soon !
NiCee
JJ,
First and foremost I think the course of action on your part should be to get your DD away from this boy as fast as you can by any means you can. The next time her boyfriend takes drugs might be the last time your DD will be alive. This boy has proved that he can not nor will not stay away from the drugs.
It also sounds like your DD has some codependent or battered spouse syndrome going on, which will probably make it harder but more urgent to get her away from the boy. I think you should probably start out by trying to get your DD to report this to the police. This step my allow you to get him out of her life easier.
As for the executive function. Part of why you are feeling this way is probably because you didn't see this coming like with her last boyfriend. Kind of like being in shock. You know "How could I have misjudged him?".
I hope this will help some and I'm sure others will have things to say as well...
Dennis
First and foremost I think the course of action on your part should be to get your DD away from this boy as fast as you can by any means you can. The next time her boyfriend takes drugs might be the last time your DD will be alive. This boy has proved that he can not nor will not stay away from the drugs.
It also sounds like your DD has some codependent or battered spouse syndrome going on, which will probably make it harder but more urgent to get her away from the boy. I think you should probably start out by trying to get your DD to report this to the police. This step my allow you to get him out of her life easier.
As for the executive function. Part of why you are feeling this way is probably because you didn't see this coming like with her last boyfriend. Kind of like being in shock. You know "How could I have misjudged him?".
I hope this will help some and I'm sure others will have things to say as well...
Dennis
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