Help with my thoughts that are scaring me

Hey everyone. Been awhile since I've actually checked the forum so all of those who are new to here. Glad your here just wish we didn't have to be. To the ones I've talked with over the months, you'll never know what you've meant to me.

After talking with two of my friends I've befriended here, I've been urged to post my situation for help. I usually don't like to talk about this stuff, but I'm at the point where theres a strong possibility today, tomorrow, next week, who knows, that I won't get the chance.

I've always had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts. It goes back to things when I was younger. I had a brother who was born 2 years before me, and he didn't make it half a day before he died. Knowing how my parents were, there wasn't much love there between them. I never saw anything sweet or an "awwww" moment from them. They split up and was going to divorce when I was in 8th grade I believe, I was devastated. Not because they were divorcing, but my mom can't drive, and I knew I wouldn't have a way to and from baseball and football practice. I knew they shouldn't be together, my dad was always getting transfered back and forth because of work which made it tough. My neighbor told my mom I was going to attempt suicide which I later found out. Fact of the matter is I did attempted it, and failed obviously.  So they stayed together til I was old enough to drive and then made it official. My grandfather actually drove an hour each way to make sure I went to practices and games. But through the years I would cut myself, not necessarily to kill myself, but just because it seemed to take the mental pain away for awhile.

Back in 2006 my grandfather passed away, he was my everything. I thought he was bullet proof, I went through a rough time. Still haunts me not having him. Between that and my wife cheating on me, my mindset became worse.
Throw in the MS that was diagnosed last summer, things are bad again. I have been more meds than I can remember. Nothing has seemed to work. Lately I've been unable to do things with my two young children, like going fishing, to parks... the things I took for granted. Before when I thought about suicide, I think part of it was a cry for help, but here lately it's like I don't care one way or another, which scares me. I've started cutting my wrist and arms again. No matter how sharp the knife and how hard I cut, or saw for that matter, I hardly bled. Part of me wants to live to see them grow old, but the majority of me is tired of living. I feel guilty and hate myself more everyday that I lived and my brother didn't. I know it's nothing I could do considering I was still 2 years from being born, but I feel like I've cheated him.  

I have tried probably 5 or 6 times to end it, all failing. A few I honestly don't know how. I never was a big religious person, but I believed in God, and would pray every night before I fell asleep. But now, with the sleep paralysis dreams that won't let me sleep. I don't know what to think, part of me thinks he hates me and is pushing me to end it, part of me now doesn't believe he exist.   I have been seeing a well known psychiatrist who has tried me on a few different things in the last 3 months. First ones were Prostiq, which didn't help. He also game me klonopin for sleeping which does help me sleep.  Now after I saw him last week and he saw my wrist and the cut marks, he has me on a higher dose of klonopin, plus Remeron 30mg at bed. As for "instant" relieve, he gave me Seroquel 50mg. Probably is it takes an hour to kick in which is to late for my issues. I honestly don't know what other medicines may work for me, if any.

I swear I hate to lay all of this out here, but I'm at the end of the line for me. Any suggestions, help, ANYTHING would be helpful and appreciated. I'm just glad I couldn't hurt another person, it hurts me into thinking I even possibly hurt someones feelings, so I could never do physical harm. I am a sweet, funny, big hearted person, just not to myself and I'm needing help. Sorry I wrote so much, but had to explain what I could.

[Sumanadevii]

huff,

You answered your question.  You said in your last paragraph you are needing help.  My suggestion is to listen to that voice.  Call your doctor or check into a hospital.  Deep inside you know that is what you do need.  Don't do it for huff.  Do it for your children.

My thoughts are with you.
Sumana

[michelleislay]

huff1711--a HUGEHUGEHUGEHUGEHUGEHUGE hug to you my friend!!

listen, i know mental illness quite well, as one of my dearest friends in the world has suffered extensivly from it.  

i applaud you for putting your feelings down on "virtual paper".  that is a wonderful thing to be able to do.

it sounds like this has plagued you for quite sometime now, and i am sad that doctors have not been able to help you enough to get this under control.

please know that your feelings are symptoms of a medical condition and they can be helped!!  please don't give up.

as i'm sure you know, if you are at present feeling suicidal, go to the nearest emergency room---they can help, if only to make sure you remain safe during this frightening time.
you do not have to suffer this emotion on your own...get help, qualified medical help and reach out to as many people as you can until you find it.

i would urge you to get an ASAP appt. with your psychiatrist.  it sounds to me like your medications are not right and you need careful monitoring until they get evened out.

please remember that helplessness is also a symptom--it's not the real you.  the physical you is not helpless--quite to the contrary, there is plenty of help available for you...it just may take some time and perserverance to figure out.  on of the hardest things with mental illness is that it can take sosoooooo long to sort out which medications will be the most useful.  don't give up on yourself, try and believe if only from hearing it here that you can definately come to a better place than where you are at now.

all my best...don't lose hope!!!  

xoxoxoxo michelle

[Audrey_M]

I'm sorry that you are in so much emotional pain. It is a good sign that you reached out and posted here. Please call someone if ever you are close to acting on suicidal thoughts.

Does your psychiatrist know about your current and past history of suicidal thoughts and attempts?

Son's girlfriend is a cutter and also has suicidal thoughts. We've talked about it. I believe that it is important to have a trusted circle of people who know about these tendencies and can be available for you to reach out to when you hit those crisis moments. Talking things through at the moment of crisis may help you through it; being by yourself just helps to magnify the thoughts and emotional pain you are feeling.

You also might want to ask your psychiatrist if he knows of a depression support group that might be good for you. I was a non-believer in group therapy until I participated in one for abused women. It helps to get things out in the open with people who have similar experiences, are not judgmental and are at different stages in the process. Its therapeutic to be able to see oneself grow and to be able to help others.

You may find that you will always have suicidal thoughts; what is important is not to act on them.

"I'm just glad I couldn't hurt another person, it hurts me into thinking I even possibly hurt someones feelings"; suicide would hurt your family and friends more than you can ever imagine. Your two young children need you. You might not be able to take them on fishing trips, but you can still tell them stories, give them hugs and show your love in a million different ways.

My cousin's son, aged 18, committed suicide this past May. He had two previous attempts, one of which was almost successful. The pain that the family is now going through with the grieving process is intense.

Again, I am sorry for your emotional pain. Reaching out is so important and there are people who love you and need you in their lives.



  

[tjj3761]

Hi,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way.  If you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to go to the hospital for admission to get some help.

My oldest son tried to commit suicide at the age of 20.  Luckily, he told a friend at work, which is what saved him.  I know how hard it can be but you have to think of your loved ones and what pain this would cause them.  After my son did that, about 2 weeks later I had a "relapse."  Being a mother, it was heart-wrenching.  Think of your children...  

I lost my father at the age of 8 years old to a massive heart attack.  I did not have my father in my teenage years, when I graduated high school, when I got married, or when I had my children....

It is not worth it....  You are way too young...  They can find the right medication combination for you.  Please get some help!  

terri

[huff1711]

Thanks everyone. I was shocked to see this many responses that fast.  

I do think of my kids, that's what has kept me breathing so far, just not sure it can keep me going and I have thought a billion times what it will do to them.

A few years ago I did check myself in a hospital. I hate to admit this, but I felt so out of place. Here I am, an average guy, with problems that really shouldn't be a problem (even though it is), and I look around and see the people locked up in the hospital with me. It kinda made me feel foolish for being there. They needed help more than I did, but overall it was a waste of time.  As for support groups, heck I can't even hardly get off work to see my doctor, there's no way I could get off for that. My schedule for work is different than 99% of everyone elses. I have to take off say a Tuesday, just to make sure I'm in town for an appointment on Friday. I've saw the pysch 3 times in the last two months, and I go back in a month again.

I still feel bad, pathetic, sad, and embarrassed to write all this stuff here, but to be honest, I have no friends. Only people I know are my coworkers, and I can't let them know about my MS, let alone my mental problems.  Guess I'm kind of lonely not having anyone other than my kids and wife who could care less about me as long as she gets to play her games with people on the internet (which trust me it doesn't help things). Before anyone says anything, I have talked to her about it and it only made things 2000000 times worse. I honestly feel like I'm alone on an island, just wish I had a volleyball for a friend.... See, I said I'm a funny guy no matter what lol. But hopefully the meds will help some eventually, I just don't know what kind I should ask for, I don't know what strong ones are available, seems like I've tried all of them.

[essdipity]

Huff, I'm so sorry you've gotten to this point. It seems as if you've always been prone to depression, but recently it's gotten much worse. Is that right?

Did you know that depression can be a primary symptom of MS? Not just from being so tired, or from pain or lack of sleep, but simply because you have MS?

You need much more help than you've been getting. You need to see a psychiatrist much more frequently until you and he find the combination of meds that work. You need to see a therapist to help you with your thoughts and mood.

Please make *you* a priority. I see you live in Columbus, Ohio, where there are excellent medical facilities of every type. You should be able to find help that allows for your work schedule. If not, contact a social services worker to guide you in the right direction.

You still might need to be hospitalized, maybe just briefly. This would help get you stabilized on medications. They might add more Seroquel, as the dose you're on isn't high. It doesn't matter what the problems are of other people in the hospital, this is for you. I think some kind of crisis intervention is in order and that you shouldn't wait.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing. You have many friends here.

Lots of hugs,
ess

[Audrey_M]

Please don't feel bad, pathetic, sad and embarrassed; your feelings are very real and understandably so. I am proud of you in that you have the courage to bare your soul and reach out for help. You reached out because in your heart you do want to live.

I am sorry to hear that you feel so alone. The isolation can make things even harder for you, especially if you don't have the love and support from your wife. You mentioned before that you do believe in God. Do you belong to a congregation? A pastor can be a good person to talk to and a truly good congregation is filled with people who care for and support others in times of need. It can also be good for your children to be accepted into a community of compassionate people. Will your work schedule allow for you to become part of a congregation?

With your mental health being so fragile right now, you do need closer psychiatric care. One month until your next visit is too long to wait.

As people post with suggestions, please keep coming back and telling us more, so that all of us can try to come up with something that is going to work for you.

Hugs,

[sllowe]

Hey Huff,

God loves you my friend.

I agree w/all, and Ess mentions that you need more help than you are getting. This is critical. Your still able to reach out right now, but we all know this changes in a heartbeat when your completely depleted of all that you need to keep your head on straight.

Please my friend, I beg of you, make a call to your Dr. and tell him the combo of meds must be tweaked. You my friend have held on with all your might to so far with your kids, friends, and fond memories of past family members to pull you through. This doesn't always help for long.

Take a deep breath and give a big-big pat on the back that you've gotten this far and then, pick up that phone and make the appt right away.

Remember this....you are deserving of feeling good - you are deserving of feeling love, allow us to steer you in the right direction and then make that call for YOU!

(((hugs)))
shell

[Lulu54]

Dear huff, I am so proud of you for stepping out of the shadows and putting this out there.  As you have read, many others have shared similar feelings or experiences and can feel the depth of pain you are in right now.

your children are so fortunate that you can focus on them right now - having their dad around is so important.  MY husband's father died suddenly when DH was 14.  It left quite the mark on him and I wish I could undo so much of what he felt and still feels about his dad.

Your first tysabri treatment should be coming soon - when you go be sure to contact the infusion center and ask them if there is someone there you can also speak with.  

Stick with those meds and call the doctor about adjusting them.  The psychiatrist knows that you need the help right now - don't be afraid to ask  for it.

Is it possible to take a short term leave from work? Pushing as you do, with everything going on, is tough and not making your situation any easier.

Be sure to read the responses you have here over and over.  There is a lot of good advice and genuine concern and compassion for you.  Let us help carry you through some of the tough times ahead.

be well - lots of hugs to you,
Lulu

[michelleislay]

huff,

in your last post here, you mentioned you feel like you don't have as much to be upset about as most other people you saw when you were admitted.  this is a very common emotion for those dealing with serious depression...a feeling of worthlessness.  you have some very serious mental health concerns that DO NOT pale at all in comparison to anyone else's there.  you are JUST as important.  

don't wait the full month before seeing your psych.  you MUST get into see someone ASAP, especially if you are or begin to have even the slightest suicidal thought, which i believe you do as you began this post by saying you weren't sure how much longer you'd be around.

i am truly worried for you.  this is not insignificant.  you need to remember this is an actual illness.

one thing i would say, a lot of people here are encouraging you to think of your family and how they would suffer if suicide ever came to pass--while this is very true, i don't want that to become a source of guilt for you right now.  keep it in mind if it helps you, but if it makes you feel more miserable, please remember, at this point, you are not mentally well enough to think about anything but your own health.  if you've got a drive to get better and be there for your kids, show it by taking care of yourself and this health issue you are dealing with.  

truly worried and hoping you get some help, because i am absolutely sure you can feel much, much better...you just need to work with medications/dosages  etc. with a professional!

xoxoxoxo michelle

[Erin0313]

  I am so sorry that you are suffering such emotional pain. I can't imagine what it feels like because while I do suffer serious depression and have had the urge to cut that's as far as I have sunk before coming back to myself. O.K. maybe a pinch or a smack or some "little" abuse but I have kept the knife out of my hand.

I see a wonderful neuropsychologist which I credit for my improvement in moods and emotions. They work with people with brain damage from disease or accidents and understand that a huge part of our mental issues come from the damage in the brain.

I could call her service right now at midnight and leave a message saying that I have a huge urge to cut and my phone would ring back in minutes. Is the doctor you are seeing now someone that feels like he is that committed to your mental health and does he make you open up and share even when you really hadn't planned on it that day?

3 years ago I swore that I would only see this "shrink" as I called her to prove a point that my MS is not in my head and never has been. I am so greatful for her I don't ever want to stop even when she says I don't need her I say that I feel happy when we talk so we continue to get together.

My advice for first thing when you wake up in the morning is to call your doctor and confess that you are afraid that you might succeed in taking your life. If he doesn't see you in his office ASAP it's time for a new therapist. In the mean time when I get really wound up and want to cut more then I can handle I run, jog, clean house like a pro etc. all activities to use up the over abundance of negative energy that is causing the thoughts - exhaust yourself physically!

You sound like you are very sensitive and mentioned that you are glad that you could never hurt others but as someone that has been both physically and emotionally abused PLEASE believe me when I tell you that your children would get over being spanked(please don't, just making a point)  but they will never get over losing you to your own hand. The "guilt" that you feel over the brother that you never knew is nothing compared to the questions that will run through their heads like was it my fault etc.

BE STRONG YOU'RE LIFE IS WORTH IT - you just have to stick around to find that out.

Hugs, hugs, hugs!
Erin :)

[Guitar_grrrl]

Ahhh, Huff,

I'm so sorry you feel so bad.  I, too, have suffered from depression on and off since I was 10 years old.  I, too, have had suicidal ideation, but have never acted on it or cut myself.  I thank my lucky stars I have found some wonderful therapists who have helped me tremendously, and have given me some wonderful tools to work with when I feel at the end of my rope, so to speak.  Talk therapy has saved me, basically. Currently, exercise helps my mood immensely.

You are SO WORTH taking time to help yourself.  Call that psych ASAP.  Check into the ER if you can't wait until Monday am.  YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOUR LIFE IS PRECIOUS!

We're here for you.
Big, warm hugs,
Guitar_grrrl

[supermum_ms]

I am so so sorry your in this dark place but you should realise even if your not thinking this yet, but just by opening up and reaching out, you are saying not only to us but also to your self that you are strong and ready to change your future.

My mother has Bipolar so i've known that dark place existed all my life, I even married a man with mental health issues not disimilar, the key to peace is by speaking up, to finding the loop that leads you back to a guilt that your know you had no control or hand in. Drugs alone are like sticking a bandaide on a wound that just wont heal, behavioral training will help you gain tools to alter the thought pattern that leads you to the dark place.

The combined help will give you more control than just doing one or the other, so i do recommend you find someone you can see every week on top of the psychiatrist who is handling the drug therapy side. A councilor or psychologist will help you find what works for you in a more holistic manner than a psychiatrist can, so please consider getting this additional help.

I have always believed that the dark place feeds on silence, speaking out can help you keep the door to the dark place closed. It will not be easy to keep that door closed but if you fight with more tools in your tool box, the battle will be more on your side than the darkness.

I truely hope you find the strength to see and feel your value so you can turn this on its head and change your future!

HUGS

JJ

[starryeyes1]

I understand how you must feel. I was a cutter as a teen. I, too was diagnosed last summer. I woke up one day and just didn't care if I went on one more day. I was so angry.

I stopped eating and couldn't stop crying. Husband had just deployed to Iraq for the year and I had no family where we were stationed. Loneliness didn't even describe how I felt. I felt hopeless. I felt worthless. I can't work so I was stuck in the house all the time. Walking is pretty hard due to the balance problems. I wouldn't take anyone's calls. After losing 40 lbs I did call my neurologist and he put me on Wellbutrin which works for depression. I have been on it since last year. I still have my sad days, but I think its better than before.

I have 3 daughters who would be devastated if I weren't here but I couldn't do things for the sake of others, I had to want to live for myself.

I really hope you don't try to handle this on your own. As Lulu said, MS causes depression even if we try to avoid it. I was a depressive person already so add the MS and it was a disaster. I didn't find this website for several months after my diagnosis.  I wish I would have had someone to talk to who would understand what I was feeling. We are all here in this together.

I do pray that you get the help you need and get on the right medication. Keep fighting.. You're not alone.
Be well~
Hugs, Kristi

[Adnvwsti]

Hello, Huff:)  It's been awhile since I've been to the forum too, but I've read your post and the thread that followed with great interest.  So I will write a long post to you that I hope you will read.  I do not write it to give advice or counsel, really, but rather I write it with the hope of encouraging you by exposing these things of my past to the entire forum, as you have done.  So I will post what I feel I want to tell you (and others)  in two separate posts.  

In my family, my 21-year-old cousin committed suicide the day before her wedding.  My younger brother attempted suicide, putting a bullet into his brain, but it did not kill him.  Rather, it made him a partial quadriplegic who had some use of his right hand.  He retained all his memories and brain functions otherwise.  He spent the next 16 years of his life in a wheelchair.  He died 6 years ago from a heart attack.  He was 49 years old.

I was very angry with him when he attempted suicide.  I thought his behavior and actions were evidence that he was just attention-seeking and that he was very selfish, not caring what his actions might do to the rest of the family.  But as time went on, I came to understand better what he had battled and realized that I was wrong to blame him for what he was going through.  Being angry with him was like re-victimizing a victim, and I knew a lot about being a victim, as he did.  

I have survived relationship violence, sexual assault, and stalking.  I had also been a victim of child abuse, but at the time of my brother's suicide attempt, I was not ready to deal with THAT issue.  In fact, I had not truly done the "dirt work" necessary to recover from most of my life's hurts, violence or betrayal.  I held all that poison inside and pretended I had already gained the healing I needed to carry on, although I would later come to realize that was not true.  

We humans are incredibly good at finding strengths in our weaknesses.  That is to say, we tend to be good at developing coping skills.  These coping skills help us get through the day and we will rely on them particularly during an emergency or on another occasion when something bad is happening that triggers our coping skills, but these skills don't help us to recover from the abuses or unhappinesses that have been imprinted upon our spirits and our minds.  Coping skills just help us to keep our masks on so that everyone around us thinks we're alright.  We end up functioning at half-post, leaning on our coping skills to get us through, without being completely healed--body, mind, spirit and emotions, as we Native Americans would say.

Several years ago, my husband and I began working with a church youth group.  From that group, another group emerged that needed to "talk" on a deeper level with one or the other of us.  One young girl had been sexually abused by her father, and my husband and I walked with her and her mother through the difficulties and trauma of a court trial, and her feelings afterward that she had betrayed her father's trust, causing him to be sent to prison.  Another girl's mom was being brutalized by a boyfriend.  In our tiny town, where everyone knew where everyone else lived, my husband's and my home became a safehouse for this girl and her mother on more than one night.  The boyfriend was an ex-felon and one night, when his violence was reported to police, he committed suicide to avoid being returned to prison.  

One young man in our youth group was cutting.  Like you, he told us he cut to ease the pain he felt, both mentally and physically.  His homelife was much like what you describe for your own homelife as a young person.  In the case of our young friend, his grief over his parents' relationship with each other was so great that he would emotionally, mentally and physically ache.  When his grief would become too great to bear any longer, he would cut.  And like you, he said that sometimes, the pain of cutting would help him take his mind off what was going on around him so that he didn't have to feel the pain of whatever emotional, mental, or physical hurt was confronting him.  

Like you, he was a very sensitive, caring individual, who tended to minimize his own pain and suffering when confronted with the pain of others.  Our young friend was 16 when we met him.  He is now 22 and we are still in touch.  My husband and I have five sons and we consider this young man our 6th son.  We are still in touch with the two girls also, one of whom is in nursing school now, and the other of whom has become a radio announcer for her university's campus radio.  All 3 of them refer to us as "mom" and "dad", and we are so blessed by having them in our lives.  The young man has discovered that he has a gift for art and his artwork reveals his sensitivity.

(More below)

[Adnvwsti]

It is obvious, Huff, that you, too, are very sensitive.  You see the pain of others and then minimize your own suffering.  But try not to do this.  While you de-value yourself at times, there are others who value you greatly, such as your children, but of course, you already know this.  

Once, I heard a man in the examining room next to mine being told by our cardiologist that he needed a heart transplant.  I had just had bypass surgery and I said, "hey, that poor man is so much worse off than me".  I voiced this to my doctor when he came into my room and he replied, "Don't compare your condition to someone else's.  Yes, he's bad, and he may not live.  But neither may you."  

This doctor helped me realize that none of us are promised another day.  We just hope to make the best use of the day we're given in case another doesn't come.   Let all feelings of shame and guilt go, Huff.  Please.  Maybe someone when you were a child made you feel guilty that you lived when your brother did not, or maybe you are just so sensitive that you will gladly carry the guilt yourself.  But you know you have no blame for your brother's death.  He is at peace.  Do not allow yourself thoughts that your brother might have been a better man than you.  That page has been turned and the truth is, few of us handle MS like staunch stoics.  It's okay to allow a little self-pity from time-to-time.  A good cry just washes old dirt away and allows us to feel new again.  It's one of my "coping skills" anyway.

It was not until I met my husband, 11 years ago, that I began to address the painful, grey places in my history.  Thankfully my husband had enough love and compassion that he was able to work through those issues with me, but I am aware that things could have gone the opposite direction.  I think I tested him in many, many ways.  Yet he still talks with me when some old memory comes up that I need to talk about, even if it is one that yanks me from sleep, terrified and panting.  No matter the hour, he'll gently wake me and say, "Honey, you're having a bad dream.  What was your dream about?"

I was diagnosed with MS one year ago and at the time, my pain was so unbearable that I begged God to end my life almost every day.  Some people told me that was a sin, but I just felt that my Lord would not have me live in pain so great that I was useless to Him.   And frankly, I hurt so bad and was so depressed that I could have cared less about whether or not killing myself would be considered a sin.  All I could think about was just ending my pain.  Nothing else much mattered.  

Was I suicidal?  Oh yeah, you betcha.  My husband knew it.  He was my only support system at the time.   And while he was frantic to keep me alive, I was eager to just leave this life.  One of my doctors recognized that I was suicidal and he worked hard to get my medications right so that I could begin to think about living instead of dying.  I am glad of that today, although my MS symptoms have not lessened.  I live with pain daily, but I have now realized what activities will exacerbate the pain, and I have come to terms with my limitations.  More or less.  I still push myself at times, just to see if I can.

When I began receiving medical treatment that addressed the pain, I remembered that one day long ago, I promised God that I would serve Him sick or well.  How this shames me, even now.  MS showed me I could not serve God or anyone when the disease is at its worst.  Did my Lord know that already?  Yes, I believe He did.  So my promise to Him to serve sick or well was actually a promise made from vanity--from thinking that my own physical strength will be sufficient for anything that comes up, when of course, it isn't.

Prior to what my brother later termed as his "accident", he had a number of questions about God and I would not ever say that he was anything like you in terms of your obvious virtues, which include concern for the feelings of other people.  But after my brother's suicide attempt, his questions about God seem to have been answered.   From a wheelchair, he organized the friends he'd made at his independent living facility to conduct outreach to other handicapped persons in greater Dallas/Fort Worth.  Together, they mobilized to make the city's response to handicapped persons using the mass transit system a better system.  My brother spear-headed that effort.  If he had not been in a wheelchair himself, he would not have known or understood the problem at hand and he wouldn't have been able to help find solutions to it.  My brother felt God had allowed him to live, and had used him in service to others too.

God doesn't hate you, Huff, and He does exist.  Neither death nor life, angels nor demons, the present nor the future, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from His love.  All creation is evidence that He exists.  He is not pushing you to end your life, but your own feelings of self-hatred may be.  I pray you will not.  I believe you are indeed a sweet, funny, big-hearted person, just not to yourself, as you said.  My brother was the same way.  He did not have to struggle against MS, too, as you do, but I believe you will find your smile again.  MS can sure cause dark depression.  

Huff, if you cannot go to a support group in your area for any reason, allow those of us on this forum to be a support group for you.  But do not fail to obtain continuing psychiatric care for we are not psychiatrists (or at least, I don't think any of us are), and when you see your psychiatrist, be as honest with him as you have dared to be with us.   One thing about exposing our vulnerabilities is that we often discover others have the same vulnerabilities.  Hang in there, Huff.  I believe that one day, you'll be glad you did.  jo

[figuerpa]

Huff,

It takes a very strong person to put this out here for everyone to see. So that is your first step, knowing that something is wrong and getting the help and support you need.

One of my daughters friends was a cutter and I sat her down and talked to her and told her that if she ever felt like cutting to make herself feel better to call me and I would be there as soon as I could and she could take her frustrations out on me either by venting or crying. I know this is hard for you but you are going in the right direction.

Please do think of your kids. You mentioned that you feel bad that your brother died and you lived and that was 2 years before you were born. Your kids love you and depend on you to be there for them, I would hate for you to make them feel like it is their fault if something were to happen to you.

Call your doctor and maybe they can switch medicines around to find a solution. Remember that you are not alone. We are all here for you and will always be here for you. Just know that your family and kids love you and your friends are here for you. You can vent, rant and cry here and we will all understand.

Keep putting your feelings out here and you will see all the support you will recieve, and if you get a suicidal thought just think of those precious kids of yours and know that it won't be worth it. You are LOVED more than you know.

God is on your side. He sometimes puts things on our shoulders to make us a stronger person and dealing with those problems is one of the most courageous things you can do.

Good luck and be well.
((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))
Paula

[Weakandfalling]

Dear Huff,

I'm so glad I came on this site today.  I came on to find out if anyone had answered my question about how to present to a riding stable without appearing to be a liability - but your situation is much more important than that so I'll share with you what I know about stopping suicide.

My son is bipolar and, after much research, he realized it himself although his psychiatrists had failed him miserably - they couldn't seem to arrive at the bipolar diagnosis for him although his symptoms were classic for it.  Like you, he is also a big-hearted, sweet, and funny person who was a cutter (which seems to be fairly typical of bipolars).  That doesn't mean you are automatically bipolar if you cut, but you certainly could be one.  Suicidality is also rampant among bipolars and even when they are properly treated and feel better, suicide is always a possibility ever-present, though muted, in the background of their minds.  We live with that possibility and it is scary!!  

I'm going to cut to the chase.  First of all, I am going to mention a wonder drug to you that has helped so many bipolars with suicidality/depression if they were lucky enough to have found a doctor who was aware of it and was truly informed about treating bipolar. Thank God we finally found such a doctor!!  The medication is called  Lamictal  (generic is lamotrigine).  Within about a day-and-a-half of taking Lamictal, my son was a different person, feeling much better. He was on 200 mg of Lamictal (starting at lower doses and building up to 200). In your state you will need a healthy dose of it yourself.  He was also taken off the SSRI (Prozac or Zoloft) which had been making his depression way worse.  No bipolar person should EVER be on an SSRI because it plunges them down to the deepest depths imaginable!!  He was also put on Seroquel which made it hard for him to wake up.  I suggest asking your doctor to try you on Lamictal as a last-ditch effort because it sounds like you are "on the edge."  If it works, you likely are bipolar.  You can always fine-tune things later on, but you need IMMEDIATE relief.  Provigil has also been used effectively off-label for someone "on the edge" to buy time.  Oddly enough, Provigil was originally developed to be an antidepressant, but is now used just for energy and wakefulness.  Lamictal (lamotrigine) would be the medication for you to try now though (through your doctor).

In the meantime, write down these phone numbers - and USE THEM!!  They are 24-hour suicide prevention lines:  1-800- 273-8255,   1-800-784-2433,  and
1-800-999-9999.  Also, the phone number for NAMI (National Alliance On Mental Illness) is 1-888-999-6264 (for information - it's not a hotline).  NAMI's website is:  www.nami.org

Good luck to you!!!  Life can be better with the proper treatment!!  I will pray for you!!

Hugs!

WAF

[Weakandfalling]

In essence, Lamictal (lamotrigine) is a mood stabilizer - keeping you more on an even keel.
It is a Godsend to bipolars, acting like lithium but not requiring the constant lab monitoring required for lithium.

WAF

[Audrey_M]

Huff:

Hope this finds you feeling not quite so scared today.

Please tell me/us that you called a doctor today. This is too big and too important to both you and your kids for you to try to handle on your own.

We want to see you back here again, and again and again.

Like I told you, you can see from all of these posts that you are not alone.

Bear hug to you,

Audrey

[HVAC]

Huff it has mostly been said. Over a year ago I was so depressed all my Doctors thought my only hope was ECT. I was not keen on electric shock to my brain. I found a great counselor and really stated talking every week. At the time I could not afford it but then I realized it was cheaper than hospitalization and ECT.

Now I am happier than I have been in my life.

Alex

[Erin0313]

Huff,

   Just checking in to "see" how you are today. We ALL know that one day can make a huge difference and I guess I am hoping that this day was a good beginning for you.

  Don't forget that we are thinking of you & we care

Hugs & Prayers
Erin :)

[Erin0313]

Just bumping this because I haven't heard from Huff and I don't want it to go to page 2


Erin :)

[huff1711]

Sorry everyone I have been working and haven't had the chance to get on here. When I did write a few messages to people it was on my blackberry which takes forever to type with my big fingers.

I am feeling a little better and I did call my pysch back yesterday (Tuesday) around 1 and talked to someone at the office. I played the "dumb" game saying that I might have misunderstood one of his questions and that my answer to it would of been yes if I misunderstood it. I also told the lady that the Seroquel wasn't helping fast enough.  She said she would talk to him and call me back. So hopefully they will call me today.

The suicidal thoughts are gone for now, which happens, they come and go, but I'm still depressed and doing other things to myself.  But I will be fine cause I don't take it to the extreme. That's idiotic, I realize that, but it's hard to explain on here.

Everyone,  thank you! thank you! thank you!    Your words mean the world to me, I could never repay you even if I had all the money in the world. From the bottom of my broken, confused, shattered and empty little heart. THANK YOU!!!   I will never forget any of you for your words. (I'm not good at this stuff as you can tell lol)   You all are forever in my heart.

[tjj3761]

Hi Huff,

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better.  We ARE ALL your friends here on the forum and someone to talk to.  So happy you are taking steps for help.

You are not alone.  All of us with MS go through periods of depression.  I think once they can find a good medication combination for you, I think it will help a lot.....

Feel Better....

terri

[Adnvwsti]

Soooo glad to hear from you, Huff:)  Keep us posted on how things are going with your medications and your own personal work with the doctor.  I believe you would be someone well worth knowing and I want to know you for many, many more years.  hugs, jo

[Weakandfalling]

I'm glad you're feeling better, but I hope you wrote down those 24-hour suicide hot lines I posted for you:  Keep them in your wallet for future use.  If you should call them, do not be upset if you are temporarily put on hold (funding has cut resources somewhat) because someone will get back to you eventually and talking with someone can help.

Your words sound so like what my son would say!!  Don't forget about asking your doctor to try you on Lamictal (lamotrigine).  You've tried so many other meds that didn't work.  

Be proactive now while you are not in the depths.

Good luck to you!  We love you here!!

Hugs,

WAF

[huff1711]

I don't think its gonna matter. For those who don't know, I am gone 2 days usually for work. I just got back home from a trip and my wife, kids, everything they have is gone. All that's left is my few things and the cat. I'm trying to be strong but how the heck am I supposed to? I have no family withing 4 hours driving. The youngest member of my family other than wife and kids is 62. I have no close relatives. I don't want to put more strain on my families old age and health problems as it is. I'm stuck on an island it seems (again).

The sad thing is I just started a new medication 3 days ago and it seems to helped BIG time. But now it's to late. I know she is a terrible person for leaving me when I need her most, but now  you all realize what I've been going through. I'm not thinking of doing anything to myself, which is amazing considering my last month or so, but I feel so empty.

I'm sorry for bringing everyone down, but had to vent. Considering it's 1230 at night. Theres not many ways to do it. I love you all for every word and every thought you took the time for me. Now I gotta start a life over on my own, which i've never done. To be honest, its scarier to think of than dying or anything I've ever faced. Just remember, I'll be ok. Somehow someway I will be.

[Erin0313]

Huff,
  I am so sorry!!! I could be nasty and call your wife some choice names but I don't know her and that wouldn't be very Christian and I doubt it would make you feel better. If it would you let me know though and I will get creative just for you!!

I am really glad that the new medicine is helping. I know that it is hard to focus on the positive now while looking around at what is gone but try to do just that. Stick with this new medicine and look forward to tomorrow being a stronger day. Don't say that it is too late because you never know.

Maybe this "separation" will turn out to be a good thing. You can focus on getting well and your wife will feel lonely and a bit empty while you are apart and appreciate you again for all of your great qualities. Time can heal wounds (not all of them) but thinking positive maybe it will heal hers so that she can come back to you and you can both be in a better place.

Maybe starting a new life is a journey that you are meant to take since you have never done it. Each day can be a fresh canvas and you can really think about what you want to make it happy and beautiful.

I will be thinking of you and saying a prayer for you to find your path from here. I am proud of you for reaching out and sharing. Keep us posted in the days to come and remember that we are your forum FAMILY so while we may not be down the road we are only a keyboard away (and there are lots of us)!

Hugs,
Erin :)

[Sparkysarah]

I have not met you before and have just skim read all the posts and want to write to you but have to go out right now so will come back later when I have got my son back ot college.

The first thing that comes to my mind is that you have reached out to us as a cry for help and this is an important step in taking control for yourself of your life. Things seem very tough now for you and especiallya s your wife has left you. I will write some more later but just feel you need to hear from as many friends as possible to give you support.

With love

Sarah x

PS I am a professional counsellor living in England and I mainly worked with bereaved individuals, but have also worked with children and teenages.

[michelleislay]

huff,

so sorry to hear that you came home to such a horrible surprise.  again, none of us know your wife so it is really hard to comment, but to say that i am so sorry this incredible upheaval has fallen upon you right now.

stay strong and reach out to whomever you can.  it will be really helpful to get a routine going through the day if you can.  little thinks like structuring your mealtimes, adding in a walk at some point, buying and reading the daily newspaper at night...whatever you like really, but to me, having structure to fall on in the absense of usual supports is a really useful thing.

thinking of you and please keep posting on how you are doing.

[Audrey_M]

Huff:

I was heartbroken to read your latest post. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you walking in the door last night. I am so truly sorry.

On top of everything else, this is a holiday weekend, which gives you a lot of time on your hands without resources available.

Any idea where your wife might have gone? Was she working?

Probably the first thing you should do on Tuesday morning is to contact a lawyer. While you want the best for your kids, you also want to protect yourself. You'll probably be advised to set up a new bank account and have your paychecks deposited in the new account.

I am so, so sorry. Please keep reaching out in whatever way you can to help yourself through this most difficult time.

Audrey

[Lulu54]

Dear Huff,

You have come so far with coming to terms with the challenges in your life, only to have this thrown at you as well. This has to be a dark time for you right now and I am so grateful that your new meds have kicked in and made a difference.  

Unfortunately Audrey is very right in her financial advice - this is imperative to do without delay.  


Huff, whether you believe it right now or not, you are an incredibly strong person and you will get through this.  You know there is almost always someone around here to "chat" with - day or night.  

You have a big family here who wants to help - thanks for letting us know you need it right now.  

hugs to you, L

[Audrey_M]

Huff:

Please let us know how you are doing today.

I've been trying to do some research here for you in terms of your kids being missing. Ohio law is not clear in terms of whether or not your wife can technically abduct your children. I called the missing children hotline to find out if removing children by a current spouse can be considered abduction. Unfortunately it is the holiday weekend and staffers could not answer my question. The recommendation was to call the local police department and that more qualified personnel would be available on Tuesday morning.

This situation can be very traumatic on children and have lasting psychological effects.

I unfortunately had to take my son from his father due to several incidents of domestic violence and years of emotional abuse. DS was 6 at the time and it took him a good six months before he could sleep through the night without waking up crying and then quite some time before he would stop crawling into my bed at night.

Send me a PM if you want, with any questions you might want researched. I encourage you to reach out to live people in your community right now, because they may be able to give you both information and support. If possible, you should be trying to establish when your wife may have left and where she might have gone. If you have credit cards, you might want to go online to see what charges have been posted and from where. Same with your bank account, if she has a debit card. If you have a cell phone, you might also check out her cell number to see calls that she has made. These things might help in being able to locate your beautiful kids.

Like LuLu said, you have a big family here. Please keep us posted.

As for others reading these posts, if anything seems out of line, please chime in and steer things in the proper direction.

Audrey

[Sparkysarah]

Hi Huff (again)

OK I have just got back now from taking my 18 year old son with Aspergers off to residential college for the first time and this felt a positive step for him. I have been thinking of you on the drive home so am now able to write a few words.

I have been trying to step into your shoes to try and imagine how bleak, lonely and isolated you must feel but what I sense most is that you must also feel quite angry. It feels like your wife has deserted you when you most needed support and taken away your children who give meaning to your life and a sense of purpose.

So first of all..you are still their Dad and they need you more than ever. They have not had any choice in what has happened and no chance to even say goodbye to their Dad so keep thinking of them and how much they love you. I think you will be able to understand their perspective better than anyone and it is likely to tap into your own childhood experiences that you have already mentioned.

You have been given some wonderful advice and compassion from the folks on this amazing forum and it is at times like this when someone really bears their soul and asks for help that individuals can find unique support unlike anything I have ever known before.

Everyone has their own life story and the honesty and trust that is shared by many is a privilege to be a part of. So by you telling us how you are feeling, you have already helped others express their own feelings.  I am begining to believe that MS chooses the most special people and although I am sure that every one of us will wish we did not have it...for me I always think that sometimes something positive can happen when we are faced with what seems like an unbearable situation.

So Huff where does this leave you? Very isolated and with swinging moods and suicidal thoughts that come and go. Like others I would encourage you to seek some medical support...but I can hear that your previous hospital experience did not do a great deal to help you.  As a counsellor, I would encourage you to try and find a therapist who can offer you some regular support and the ability to make sense of all your feelings. I really believe that talking with someone and face to face human contact can be extremely healing and I can speak from personal experience of having received counselling myself for about two years.

I can see that this is extremely difficult when you have already mentioned how hard it is to get time off to see your psychiatrist. I am wondering if you could find someone locally who works in the evenings or at weekends...but I am also aware that there will be a cost implication and this may not be something you can afford?.  

I have worked with adolescents who self harm, and with teenagers who have suicidal thoughts, and I have also worked with bereaved families who have lost family members who have taken their own lives.  Every individual is unique and so it would not be appropriate to try and compare or ethical for me to say any more about any of these cases. However the one thing that seems to often be experienced is a feeling of losing control of their life.

From all that you have bravely written in this thread, I sense that you are in a very dark place at the moment and more than anything you need support and contact with others. Virtual communications can be incredibly supportive and I can feel that you are deeply touched by everyone's posts to you. However, we are not there physically and this latest event in your life has left you on your own. As I said before when we are faced with the greatest challenges in life, it can be very hard to see a way forward and this path is something that only you can find.  

I would encourage you to try and believe, respect and like yourself as you sound like one hell of a guy to me. I do not want to tell you what to do as I think the most important thing is for you to make some choices for yourself and to have faith in your own judgment.  I believe that reaching out on this forum is the first incredibly courageous step you have taken and that someone who has done this wants to help himself, so try and hold onto this courage and take the next step forward.

I think I have said enough for now and do not want you to feel overloaded. I think that some of the practical things that have been suggested in the last few posts are very sensible and as everyone has said just post again about anything. There is a very strong circle of love, a wide range of experience and some amazing people.

Sending you hugs and please let us know how you are doing....maybe in a new post?

With love

Sarah x      

[Lulu54]

Hi Huff,
Just came back in for the evening and I had hoped there would be another word or two from you tonight.  Hopefully you are sitting out by the pond, fishing pole in hand, savoring this cool air and decompressing a bit.  Treat yourself kindly, ok?

When the sun rises tomorrow you will have lots to deal with - I hope you can rest tonight.

be well, L

[Sumanadevii]

Huff,
Maybe this is where it needed to go?  From your posts your wife was not helping matters but adding to your stress level?  It may be time for you to become selfish here and take care of Huff.  It wasn't an emotionally healthy place to live for you and surely worse for your children.  

Maybe try contacting the children.  They have be guilt ridden knowing mom has left dad and dad is sick.  Let the children know you will be fine and nothing will change the fact that you are their dad.  Tell them they can call you when they want and you will be available for them.

Then...maybe you can concentrate on Huff.  Huff needs to destress himself and this is a positive first step.  Some have talked about getting a counselor.  Maybe that is what you need or maybe just an "outsider" to listen.  You know there are so many little chuches out there that would welcome the opportunity to minister to you right now.  They will lend an open ear, help you come to terms with what is happening in your life and...and...they usually love to cook and bring food!!!  It seems one way they show that caring by sharing a meal.  

Thinking of you, Huff.  I hope you grab onto the strength you have shown on these boards.  

Sumana

[huff1711]

If I was betting I'd say they moved to Florida. The only way I could get them back is to file for divorce and get a restraining order to keep them here. Unless I win the lottery its not gonna happen cause I barely make it by paycheck to paycheck.

I tried texting her and calling her today, only asking important things, like if she paid the rent before she left. I got nothing back. Which is how it's gonna end up being. It's taking everything I have not to break down, but once I start I know I won't stop.

Its gonna be a long time if I even feel like I'm not gonna cry. But chances are that isn't gonna happen.  I'm stuck with nothing and nothing I can do about it. It's a helpless feeling. Not to mention now all the MS symptoms I'd had within the last year are all back all at once because of stress. It's a no win situation for me. But I will take every minute at a time cause I still haven't slept. Probably won't for a long time either.

[Erin0313]

  I'm sorry that today wasn't a better day. One step and one day at a time right?

  We have lots of lawyers here for divore and bankrupty that don't charge you anything until they get things done for you. It could just be because our economy stinks and divorce and bankruptcy are about the only thing we need lawyers for here right now. Could you call and find out if any in your area work like that or maybe set up very reasonable payment schedules?

I think that some way or another you have to find legal help. Tomorrow look up the phone number for legal aid and call or call on Tuesday if they are closed tomorrow. Like I said before, I don't know your wife but even so I do know that she can't just pick up the kids and all their stuff and take off like this!

I'm glad that you checked in again tonight - sorry that you are still awake at this hour though.

Think about the legal aid possibility and do your best to relax because like you said the stress is what's making your MS rear it's ugly head. Are you to macho for candles and a bubble bath, ha ha. That works for me sometimes so maybe you should try it - oh and don't forget the great music (nothing sad or sappy)

HUGS,
Erin :)

[Sparkysarah]

Just to say that I am sure there must be someone who can give you some support and advocacy. I do not know anything about USA law...but you need some help and your financial position should not be a constraint where your kids welfare is at risk.

I am not sure how old your kids are but I am wondering once your holiday is over today, if they are at school, if your wife has been in touch with anyone.

Are you able to ring any relatives to see if she has gone there of they know where she is. Does she have any friends who live nearby who may know something. I would guess that she may have initially gone to stay with someone she knows...but it depends how long she has been planning this or if it was an instantaneous decision.

Would you be able to report them as missing persons to the police and would they be able to at least give you some advice on if there is anything you can do? Then as Erin suggested..I am sure that there must be some legal aid available.

I can understand your feeling of helplessness....but just try and think of every single avenue that you could explore and all the contacts that you have where it is possible she may have gone. Someone who knows her must know where she has gone and if you at least knew wher she was, it would give you a little peace of mind that your kids are OK. Uncertainty is very hard to deal with but just try and deal with what you do know, rather than thinking about what maybe.

Check in again with us soon and other folks..have you any more practical suggestions what Huff can do to help him trace his missing wife and kids..HE REALLY NEEDS ALL THE HELP HE CAN GET.

Love Sarah x

[michelleislay]

oh my, i didn't realize that they were gone with absolutely no contact.

i would certainly start by calling the police and filing a missing persons report.  then perhaps child welfare services (called children's aid in canada, not sure about the states).  these two avenues should get you going on the right path.  i agree, financial constraints should not hold you back quite yet, start with these two calls and see what needs to come next.

let us know how you are doing today if you can.

please don't feel too alone just now, you are in all of our minds here.

xo michelle

[Audrey_M]

Huff:

As you can see by the posts, you are very much in our thoughts and hearts right now.

A common recommendation has been made that you call the police to report your children missing. I hope that you follow through on this advice. Even if the police can't do anything right now, you are creating a trail for the future of your relationship with your kids. It will be on record.

For those of us who have read your profile and posts, we do know that your job takes you away for days at a time and you have mentioned a limited support system. Can you please tell us what local support, if any, you have?

Have you thought about contacting any parents of your kids' friends?

If you feel that your support system is none, you might want to consider reaching out to a pastor/priest right now or some social service agency who can provide you with an advocate. Your situation is one that even the greatest superhero on earth would not be able to handle alone.

You've also mentioned that you are posting here using a Blackberry, which is hard for you to do with the small keys and the size of your fingers. Maybe by reaching out to others, you could find a computer that you can borrow to make things easier for you to post here and other places, as well as using the internet for help right now.

Huff, what has happened is in no way your fault. Whatever problems there may have been in your marriage does not justify one parent taking children away from the other without notice, except in the event of domestic violence and that does not fit your profile or response to the situation.

Hope the meds keep working for you and are helping you to cope with a very difficult situation. Even though we have not heard from you, I hope that you are reading these posts and getting some moral and practical support.

Please let us know how you are doing.

xxox,

Audrey

[candy158]

Hi, I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this too.  

Your situation sounds alot like mine now.  But, I do know that there are people out there and here who really care about you.  Please don't do anything rash.  I won't pay off in the end, though we do think it will.  We could end up worse than we are now.

As far as sleeping, I have problems too.  With sexual abuse, and being raped at 14, I have things come back to me at the weiredest times.  But, they put me on Zoplicone and 7.5 and it seems to belp somewhat.  Some nights I have to take 2 but, most nights one works .

I could not take the Serquel it reacted with me.  So, please, take the advice of the previous people, they seem to be really genuine, and I will add you to my prayer list, and hope for some kind of peace for you.

take care, and know you are not alone,
*HUGS*
Candy

[Sparkysarah]

Hi Huff

Well it is Tuesday now and I am just wondering how you are doing. We are all still very much thinking of you and holding you in our thougths and prayers.

With love

Sarah

[michelleric]

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you as well, and wondering how you are doing today?  My thoughts and prayers are with you at this awful time in your life.

Did you call the police and file a missing persons report?  That is a good first step.

Let us know how you are, please.

(((Hugs))),

Michelle

[Adnvwsti]

Well it's just one thing after another, isn't it?  As several people have mentioned, and you have written about yourself, stress can encourage your MS to flare, and you say it has.  I'm so sorry that all of this has happened to you and the children.  

From your first few posts, your wife's feelings about your MS jumped off the page (screen), so perhaps it isn't too much of a surprise that she's run, although there is a shock factor involved for you, no matter what you might have anticipated.  It is traumatizing, in fact, to come home to an empty nest, and the trauma of it creates its own special type of stress.  

I don't know what State you are in, but for one spouse to take the children and leave without notifying the other spouse is not considered kidnapping in most states until AFTER a court order concerning child visitation has been put in place.  Then, should she take the children in violation of the court order's visitation stipulations, you could push to get some kidnapping charges filed against her.  

And right now, without court orders establishing visitation privileges, neither will the police seriously consider this a "missing persons" case.  And no, I'm not an attorney, but I have provided training to attorneys and legal advocates across the U.S. under federal grants for my non-profit organization on "Indian law" and how it works with (or against) State family law in cases of domestic violence and sexual assault.  I've written articles about these topics for various newsletters printed and distributed with U.S. Department of Justice funding, and I've lived through the ups and downs of family law on both sides of the fence more than once, originally for myself and my children, and then for my husband and his children, and now for several women fleeing a violent relationship with their children.  

Now I'm not suggesting you are a violent person.  It's obvious you aren't.  So please take what I'm saying as merely comments on the options under the law that are available to you right now and if what I've written sounds a little arrogant or condescending in any way, please forgive me.  I haven't revealed much about my past history on this forum, and the only reason I would mention it now is to help, if possible, to put a calm focus on your situation because usually, if we know where we are with "the law", we can usually find our way around to where we want to be from there without adding stress and fear and more trauma to our situation.  Since MS took over my life, I haven't done the work I once did, so you may want to research the laws in your State to see if anything has changed over the past...say...5 years.  

In Texas, there is a group of attorneys who work exclusively for fathers called "Fathers Rights Attorneys".  If such a group exists where you are, and IF you reach a place where it is clear that divorce is something you must consider, Father's Rights Attorneys will provide you with advice and counsel on your rights as a parent, and they will assist in preparing your papers.  Here in Texas, they will not represent you in court, but will only see you to the gate--that is, they will prepare the papers for you and then you will have to file the papers, have your wife served and finally, represent yourself in court.  I do not recommend representing yourself in court.  But I do recommend the Father's Rights Attorneys.  They typically do not cost much, if anything, to simply discuss your options and they will be on the side of you and your children.

However, Huff, this may be just a separation.  She may not be responding to your texts right now, but that may change.  She may have just needed a break and a chance to think things through.  You can contact your landlord to make certain rent was paid and check your bank account(s) to see what's in them.  If you have joint accounts, you may wish to close them before she can take more from them, and then open a new account in your name alone.  If you can manage it, don't think about divorce just yet.  You'll know when it's time to think about that, or if you need to think about that at all.  

She can't keep your children from seeing you, by law, so sooner or later, she's going to have to let you know where she is.  You do have parental rights too.  You seem to already have a good idea as to where she's gone, so now you can exercise some cool logic to plan your next steps.  She may have possession of the children, but since she's removed them to another State and city, you may still retain the upper hand.  The courts in the County or Parish in which YOU live will, generally speaking, have JURISDICTION over the case where your children are concerned for a specified period of time, usually 6 months.  So you have a little time in which to make some decisions and take some actions.   You don't have to do anything immediately, but can calmly examine your options and then choose the option that is best for you and your children.  

It will be difficult not to sink into a deeper depression after all of this has happened to you, but perhaps taking some proactive steps, like talking with the Father's Rights Attorneys and making certain your bank accounts are safe, will keep you moving so that your depression doesn't deepen.  Huff, just breathe.  We'll all get through this together if you will allow us to be a part of what is happening to you.  So just breathe and take one step at a time.  Then don't forget we're all back here, waiting to hear how you are.  jo  

[Lulu54]

Hello all,
I thought it appropriate to let you know that I have been in touch with Huff and he  does now know where his children are.  

Other good news is the new meds have really made a difference and although this is heartbreaking, this doesn't have a dark side to it.

He is off and working - and we perhaps won't hear from him in the next day or two.  

I didn't want all of you kind people worrying unnecessarily about his absence...  Your responses to him have been wonderful and spot on.

be well, Lulu

[michelleislay]

ah, thanks for the update lulu!  sooo good to hear.

xo michelle

[Sparkysarah]

I was also very relieved to hear an update so thank you Lulu. I am sure that we will all continue to keep Huff in our thoughts and look forward to hearing from you when you have time.

Hugs Sarah

[Erin0313]

  Thanks Lulu -

  you are a doll for keeping us posted so that we don't worry!

Hugs,
Erin :)

[huff1711]

Thanks for all the support and messages I've gotten. I haven't really been able to get on the forum. I'm doing better, still sad and depressed but heck of a lot better off than i was. I'm making it day by day still. Hardly ever get to talk to the kids, but when I do I still cry everytime.

I just had my second infusion today and it's got me tired beyond belief. That and the lack of sleep, but I wanted to thank everyone of you. You all have become family to me. Just wished I could some way repay you all, I'd do it in a heartbeat. THANKS AGAIN!!!!

Chad

[Lulu54]

Chad,
You will have made a lot of people here very happy to hear from you.  That is repayment enough.  Hope that you feel better soon.  hugs, L

[twopack]

It's so good to hear from you directly Chad!  Lulu is sooooo right.  We are enriched by every vision of you being there on the phone, connected to your beautiful children.  

If you have the address where they are, try sending them cards and/or notes periodically.  There's a wide variety of cards made specifically to send to kids in the stores these days.  Today's kids may be plugged into electronics but they enjoy having the snail mailman bring them something personal every bit as much as we ancients did.

Mary

[sllowe]

I feel I just collected seeing this post!!!

(((hugs)))
Shell