I am depressed....

[spastic]

Sorry to do this to you, I didn't want to say anything about this but I just can't help it.  I am so depressed, this whole week has been an emotional nightmare, I go from having Stills to possibly having leukemia or a genetic problem and I am suppose to be okay with this?  I can't quit crying, everytime I research any of this I slip a little further.  The bone pain is horrible.  I cannot take anymore of this.

I was suppose to be in one of the best hospitals in the country and I was treated horribly by the Dr's and nurses with the exception of the Oncologist.  If I hadn't had my medical file with me, who knows what could of happened?  I got home and my house was a mess, it smelled like dog **** and I started cleaning right when I walked in but it really hurt my feelings that my family could care less about me.  My hubby keeps blaming me for our financial nightmare so I am feeling pressured to find some kind of employment even though I can't walk right now and the pain is horrendous.  My health insurance is over now and I cannot afford to buy my scripts without it.

I just don't know what to do right now, this has been a very emotional week for me and life just seems to bleak right now.  I really hate to post this.  Please forgive me Everyone.  This forum and the wonderful people on here has been the only form of support I have.

I Love You All,

Ada

[LLWB]

I can't think of anything to say that hasn't been said before. I do want to reiterate that you need to keep your health insurance. You have the right to pick up your insurance, at the rate your company was paying for 18mos, and possibly more. Fed program called COBRA. It is imperative you do this! In order to fight this monster, you need those meds. I don't care if you have to re-mortgage your home, take out a loan or what. It is that important.

Your family is probably scared to death for you. They don't know how to handle those feelings, so it comes out in ways that as a woman and mom we don't understand. That said, it was inexcusable for them to not at least keep a minimum of cleanliness and tidy up things before you came home. Especially after your week of Hell.

Take some time away from researching until you know what you need to learn about. I too have driven myself nuts trying to figure out things. Read a book. Go outside and sit in the grass. Spend some quiet time with your husband, just sharing love and caring, not worrying about things you can't control.

I pray that the Spirit of God be with you, hold you up, and give you His healing peace.

Maggie

[Tahiri_Veila]

I am sorry for what you have been through.  It is really tough not knowing what is going on and having all the symptoms keep coming.  I have not been in the hospital for any number of days, but I can tell you that my symptoms have kept me pretty much in bed any time I am at home and hopefully just sitting at work.  Not much cleaning gets done.  My husband is going to school and working nights half the week.  I beg him to clean for me and he usually does something but not what I expect.  He really tries.  I know he is also frustrated, because what I have is making it to where we can't do things and yes we are tight on money because of both of our health problems.  We do have good insurance and that is the one thing that is saving us right now.  

I would say hurry and get a new insurance, because if you have a lapse with your symptoms you may not be able to get them again except through a groug insurance. I know I had a lapse at the beginning of mine and could not get individual insurance.  

Take time for yourself.  Give yourself a timeout and lock yourself in your room or go somewhere where you can feel peace.  If you believe in God, pray to him for help to get through this.  I know he is there and listening.  Find someone a friend, family member, or something that you can lean on and cry or whine to.  That is the one thing that helps the most.  If you can't find anyone just take time to cry anyway.  It is good for you.

I hope things improve.  Give your family time, sometimes I have found that you cannot necessarily openly see the things that they are doing for you and how much they care.

Tahiri

[santana8]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling down right now, but I can understand why with all you have gone through this week!!!!!! Hang in there honey, it will get better soon, I just feel that in my heart!!!!!!!!!

Now,  as for that diry house that you came home to!!!!  Boy,  do I understand that one!!!!!!   I live with a house full of males, My hubby, and three boys ages 16, 13, and 8 and two dogs, and dang it!  one of them is a male too!!!!!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are males out there who are neat and clean and thoughtful about helping out around the house,  But, I definatley don't have one of those living at my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

Before I got sick I done everything for all of them and then after,  they expected the same!!!  At first, it would hurt my feelings that they couldn't understand that I now have limitations that I cannot control.  But I got tired of crying and started putting the boot to thier butts.  I still take care of them, but now the difference is I take care of ME too!!!!  I make them do more for thierself, (the things that they can do) and I take time for me, for the first time in my life!!!!!!! What a difference this makes for my peace of mind!!!!!

That's what you have to do Ada, find time for you and if they won't give it to you, then take it anyway!!!

Your family loves you, but with moms and wifes,  sometimes the family takes her for granted, that is when it is time to wake them up!!!!  Remind them who took care of them when they were sick and who fixed every hurt, and neglected her self to care for them.  They won't like it, I promise, but stand your ground, and make them see your feelings are important too!

Just wanted you to know that I can relate, and I am thinking of you and praying that you will find some peace of mind that you need so desperately!!!!!

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~Santana~

[spastic]

Thanks again for pulling me up, I dont know what I'd do without all of you.  You all are so right in stopping all the research, I have been doing almost nothing but that since I have gotten home and that has not helped me in anyway.  My only distraction has been the forum and I have to tell you this place and the people is really the only thing keeping me together.  It has been hard to hide it from all of you, I always try to be upbeat but this morning I just could not hold it any longer.  

My anxiety level has been put to the test, I am scared about the results and I am at the fifth day and know they will start coming in now.  I am very inpatient about this and scared all at the same time, and I really appreciate the support and love from all of you.  I love you guys, you know that?  I have come to have the most wonderful group of friends anyone could have and my heart and soul just fills up with love and caring for all of you.

You all sure have cheered me up this morning and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I love you all so much.

Ada

[Heather3418]

My babygirl, Ada,

Oh sweetheart.  You sure have kept a brave face on this Forum.  No one would have guessed that you were in so much misery.  I find your husband's reaction to this health crisis, deplorable.  Please forgive me for saying so.

For you to walk into the door of your house after your hospitalization and be faced with the ugly cleaning task ahead of you, was inexcusable.  There was absolutely no reason that house couldn't have been kept clean, while you were away.  I can't believe that your family would do this to you.  Ada, you can bet if I was your next door neighbor, I would have seen to it that you arrived to a clean house with a nice meal waiting for you to enjoy.  I truly wish I WAS your neighbor.  You sound like you need a good buddy to lean on and just cry....

Believe it or not babygirl, that crying is actually good for you.  Nothing better than a good old fashioned, take your breath away, cry.  You are releasing some of that built up tension.

Waiting for the test results must be absolute torture.  When it comes to possible Leukemia, that is one scary thought.  As you may remember, I went through that same scare about 20 years ago.  To this day, no one has been able to tell me why my white blood cell count is so high.  But obviously if it were Leukemia, I would be long gone by now.

Whatever the test results reveal, you have to keep it in your mind that at least you will have unconditional support from your Forum family.  If I have to take that 1,000 mile trip to be with you for support, I have already arranged with my better half, to fly out there and help in any way that I can.  I won't burden you with a house-guest, but would stay in a luxury suite somewhere (remember my better half would foot the bill) and you and I can just chill out and talk, in padded chaise lounges, while people wait on us hand and foot. Now wouldn't that be fun?  Just two good friends, lounging the day and our cares away?  Hey it's a thought and certainly not an impossible dream.

I would do anything for you precious one.  Now stop keeping those ucky feelings tucked inside.  Share them so we can help, okay?

You may be a little thing, but you are one strong lady that is a force to be reckoned with.  Keep that in mind.

Love you little one,
Heather

[Momzilla]

Thank you for sharing with us how you are feeling.  I echo everyone's notion that it would be incredible if you weren't feeling low right now.  You've been through a horrific week, and an emotional rollercoaster.

The good thing is, we know this is not going to last forever.  You will start to get answers soon, and that will be a big relief, no mayyer what the news.  Whatever the answer, you will finally know what you are fighting.  

I realize it hurts you in a personal way, but try not to let the fact that your family didn't keep up with housework do that to you.  I'm sure while you were in the hospital, they were worried sick about you.  Things have a way of deteriorating around the home when Mom's gone.  Although it would have been nice to come home to a tidy house, it is certainly not an indication of their feelings for you.

When I came home from being in the hospital just three days, my house was a disaster!  Awful!  But, my hubby was getting the boys to all their different events, making sure homework was done, feeding everybody, and visiting me.  I would have felt much better convalescing in a clean home (they did clean up after I did get home), I knew they were busy, and were doing the best they could.  (they're not MOMs, for heaven's sake!)

Your hubby sounds frustrated.  He's blaming you for your financial woes right now, but perhaps he is just panicking about what is happening.  Does he have insurance for the family?  I hate to see you have a lapse in insurance with all this going on.  Try to talk to him about everything.  Get your feelings out, and let him do the same.  Easier said than done, I know.  Wish I could follow my own advice...

Also, if I can say this, I think it might be a good idea now to step back from your computer.  NOT with us, but from researching everything that could be your possible diagnosis.  Researching is not going to help speed up your answer.  You've gone and had the testing done, and seem to be in good hands, despite the horrible treatment you got at the hospital.  It's just now a matter of wating, that agonizing thing, waiting.

While your tests are being processed and analyzed -- get out in the sunshine.  Enjoy the nice weather.  Read a trashy novel (not my typical genre of literature, but right now I think it's just right).  Get your mind on other things for a bit, so you can just get a little break from your health worries (and we're worrying with you!).  Time will pass more quickly and pleasantly.  Just one gal's opinion.

Keep on truckin.'

Love ya,

Zilla*

[sllowe]

Hey sweet Ada,

It is certainly understandable how you are feeling.  The very least thing people can do to help is help around the house, so you have peace of mind when you return.  I'm so sorry about this.  Knowing it would not take it away, but would at least allow you to rest easily.

I know w/me, I made myself mad looking up "stuff." I can't say stop to you because I know that reading is the only thing that makes you feel sane sometimes, but on the other hand, it jumbles your brain.  All the stressing does cause depression, this you know.  

Some way, some how, find something to do to occupy your mind w/out the research.  I don't know what that is for you, but it should be something you can do w/out much thought involved.  This will hopefully give your brain and body the break it so desperately needs right now.

I'm so sorry sweety, but glad you've told us.  Breath deeply through some of that pain, and I will pray for soothing thoughts for you.

Love you bunches,
Shelly

[mary_kay]

Of course...you have had to invest all of any reserve you had to get through your time in the hospital.  I have learned that you can share your feelings (or anything else) here and not fear judgement.  If you are a spiritual person, can you find a way to pray and meditate?  I wouldn't dream of pushing my beliefs on you, but if you can quiet your mind, some rays of light might pop through the blackness.  Lean on your friends here, your higher power (God, the Universe, Creator, what ever fits for you) because not only can we not do it all alone, we aren't supposed to do it all alone.  Love and light to you,
Mary Kay

[doni54]

Oh sweetie, you have just been through so much.  I am so sorry and totally understand your depression.  You DO NOT need to apologize for telling us how you feel, that is why we are all here.

I am undx and without health insurance.  I am in no way facing all that you are, but I can somewhat identify with the family thing and the not being able to afford what I need for my health.  Also about uncaring drs, as I have tried many times over the past 5 years to get a dr to listen to me about what is happening to me, to no avail.

I have dealt with the family pretty much ignoring my health problems and expecting me to continue on as I always have, up until recently that is. Finally, since my symptoms have become so blatantly obvious..can't walk much at all......tremors.....unable to carry on conversations at times...etc, etc, they have finally had to admit and accept that I have serious health issues, and that most probably they are MS related.

I don't know how to advise you to deal with this,  I pretty much kept everything to myself and came here when I needed support.  I know it is not the same as having the people you love the most understand and support you, but I know at times it has truly saved my life.

I am sure I can speak for everyone on this forum when I say we are here for you and want to help in any way we can. You know we all here love and support you and are here 24/7 when you need us.  I haven't been on the forum much lately, but I always lurk and check up on everyone.  I don't have much to contribute to the forum as I am not seeking a dx or receiving any treatments.  All I can do is offer my undying love and support to anyone here who is in need.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love & Hugs
doni

[mokibear]

I'm so sorry Ada that you are going through all this. It is no wonder that you are feeling so down. Your plate is so full right now that it must feel that it is going to break with the load.

You have every right to feel depressed right now, you have had the week from Hell to deal with. Then to come home to what you did, oh sweetheart that must have been so hard for you. I'm so spitting angry for you right now. No one should have to endure what you have been through.

I have no words of wisdom to help you through this but know that I am here sending you love and prayers. My shoulders are here for you and I will even provide a cyber pillow so that it will be soft for you.

Sending you tons of Hugs dear one.
Moki

[pennst8r]

Who wouldn't be depressed after the roller coaster you've been on? You surely hid it well, I have to say! Never, never apologize for the way you feel. You cannot control it no matter how hard you try - trust me, I speak form experience.

Try to hang in there...just get htrough each day as it comes until you start getting some answers and have time to "digest" them. We're all here for you, virtually holding your hand.

Love ya

Penn