I don't know what else to do

I have been married for almost 7 years, the last two spent mostly separated. My husband has been dx with MS sense 1999 (prior to being married) .
Things are going downhill fast. he won't take care of himself. eating habits, no exercise. no hobbies, we have been apart this time for a year. he has been staying with his parents. He tried to live on his own but he just couldn't. He don't manage money well at all.
Impulsitivity is terrible. I can't trust his decisions. He has got fired from two job due to "bad decisions" as he says, but after talking to one employer. They said he is lazy, don't listen to reprimands, don't think, don't use common sense.
We have a daughter and in the past there has been serious safety issues. I don't leave her with him anymore.
All he wants to do is come home. I don't know what to do.
I feel sorry for him, i hate myself because i don't want to take CARE of him. he is able to walk, talk, care for himself personally wise.
His driving bothers me to the point that i won't go anywhere with him driving or our daughter.
His "bad decisions" have added to our financial problems, i know everyone has money problems but he makes them and then it's a "well, sorry" and i have to bail us out.
He also has had some temper issues, that is what lead to us first and this time getting separated. He blows up when we have a agreement. the last one i had to take our daughter and leave to the neighbors and call the cops to just make him leave and cool off.
He is always sorry, he is always saying he will change things. but he never follows through.
My parents are really worried about us. I have considered selling our home (mobile home) and moving into the other side of the duplex with my parents.
I don't want to divorce, i really don't have "grounds" , he has never hit me or our daughter, though we have been scared. He don't mess around on me. (but i think given the chance he would) we have no relationship.
Why can't i just get him to understand he needs to get help and stick to it.
Most the time i think his MS is affecting his brain more than anything eles.
I know he has had increased issues with his MS but he down plays it all. leg tremors, urinary problems, fatigue, vision, numbness, loss of word recognition ( whatever it is called , looking for words) balance, bowel problems,
When he gets the slightness temp it puts him in the hospital due to total lack of muscle control. He is to big of a guy for me to lift.
I feel trapped in a marriage with a man that won't ever see what is really going on.
I really had no idea what MS really does to someone and how different it is for each person before i got married.
When I got married he was working full time as a trama paramedic and with in 4-5 months he was fired.
I have known him for 17 years, but i didn't know this.
I have too many ideas of what to do.
I feel lost. When he is around i feel tense, angry, impatient and on edge.
When he is not here, my daughter and i have a peaceful home, easy going, we eat healthy (mostly), we are active - biking, walking, wii, camping, fishing. i home school her and we are "happy" i feel so terrible for even saying that.  

[luverofrogs]

Maybe looking for a support group for spouses/family members of MS patients might be a good idea.  

[essdipity]

Welcome to our MS forum.

If what you've written is an accurate description of your husband, then he's a plain jerk. MS causes many physical problems, and some emtional and mental ones as well, but it does not cause laziness, poor judgment, lying or poor habits and eating choices.

If you are asking whether it's okay to not want to be around someone who gives you nothing but grief but who also has MS, my answer is definitely yes. Your husband is able to care for himself, so let him. If you don't at least get a legal separation you will continue to be responsible for debts he incurs, so you really need to see a lawyer as soon as you can. Your local legal aid bureau can give you advice about this.

The longer you let things go, the greater the chance his health will get worse, especially considering that his habits are bad anyway. When things get to a certain point you might feel too guilty to cut him adrift, which is possibly what he is hoping. Don't let that happen. You've had enough of this man who talks and talks but changes nothing.

ess

[PastorDan]

I'll ditto the parts of that saying that you need to take steps to protect yourself and your daughter from further harm, whether physical or financial.

However, I wonder if your husband has ever been evaluated for clinical depression.  Besides "Major Depressive Illness" and "Bipolar Disorder," there is a low-grade but long-term depression sometimes called Dysthymia.  Just a thought; I'm by no means a professional in this area.

PM me if you need private help that I might be able to provide.

[borntolose102]

The MS part is really of no importance. Sounds like he is just a chump and you and your family deserve better. You reasoning for leaving has nothing to do with MS. Has to do with him as a man.  I myself would say thanks for offering to come back but no...good luck to you..

[supermum_ms]

You seem to be talking about my ex, well we too are still married living apart for over 3 years now, the big difference though is that i'm the one with the MS (lets not quibble in the details of official dx, i'm a vetran of 20 years my dr is just very very slow) so being a bad spouse isnt being caused by the MS, he's a jerk because he's a jerk. I dont doubt the MS has caused a few complicating issues but his treatment of you and your child isn't ok regardless of his condition, be it depression or aggression its not ok for him to make you responsible and suffer for his behavior.

My ex has medical issues that he wasnt doing anything about and we suffered for his desicion to not get help, depression morphing into aggression but he still wouldn't follow dr advise and take the medications he needed. I couldn't take his mood swings anymore, my kids couldn't either, you like me cant be held responsible for his behavior, his bad choices, his health, unless he's willing to do everything to get control of the issue then the only right thing to do is to stay apart.

I hope you get what i am saying but just to be clear, you have every reason to stay apart if nothing has changed, your only responsibility is towards your self and your child, guilt should not be a reason to stay together, if you dont love him anymore that is enough reason to end it, you dont need permision or validation for choosing to get out of a bad marriage, its your life and you have the obligation to make the most of the one you've got.

Take care

JJ

[billiesam]

i have been dealing wtih this i know for far too long.
Now he is moving into "our" moblie home and i am moving to my parents. My father's health is not great and my mom needs help and support.
Amazingly, my father of 67 is copd, bad heart valve, and emph. but he still tries, sometimes to the extent of overdoing it. but he still tries.
I think by spring if i can i will move the mobile home or sell it and get a legal seperation. I just can't do this anymore. He is miserable, I am miserable,  I just can't do it anymore.
I want to be happy and raise my daughter.
He keeps making more and more promises, but they never happen.

I feel like i have been tring to save a drowning person and in helpping them they are pulling me under.

I feel so depressed. My father and i worked two years on "my" home and now i am packing and moving. I don't want to leave my home but i can't do this anymore.

At least i have peace and support with my parents. They have a duplex and i will have my own place with my daughter till i have the money to move my home or sell it.

I wish i could just away from him and not have to take care of him anymore.  There is no normal conversation, no normal relationship, i feel so lonely, so empty. I just want to be with my daughter who makes me remember that life is fun, beautiful and caring.

I hate it but i just want him to go away.

[deborah0904]

As I read your story, I couldn't help but wonder if he may have bipolar disorder or some other depressive issue going on.  I believe MS can cause problems in making good decisions but am not sure if it would be to the extent of your husbands problem.  Have you gone through extensive counseling together?  Sometimes, a third party intervention is very helpful.  I cannot tell you what is best for you or your situation however; I do hate to see any marriage end in divorce.  There may be other options available before you consider that.  I definitely feel for you.  You ae in a very diffcult situation and my heart goes out to you.  Praying for you to have wisdom that you need in this!

[PastorDan]

Yeah, what Deb said.  What I said before, too.

[Guitar_grrrl]

My first marriage was similar in many ways.  As much as I hated to do it, I left him.  He made promise after promise, never followed through, and after months of couples, individual, and group counseling, he decided not to go any more because he though counseling was for crazy people.  At that point, I left.  I believe he's Bipolar, and to this day, 26 years later, he still hasn't gotten help for himself.  

The Serenity Prayer helps me on a daily basis.  

I have a feeling clarity will come to you soon.  Personally, I think this guy is on a slippery slope, and he's going to drag you down with him unless you get out.  And if it were me,  I'd get out sooner than later.  Save yourself and your daughter.

Namaste,
Guitar_grrrl