MS - A Lonely Life

Does anyone else have a family who is unsupportive or even mean regarding their situations? How do you deal with it.

My husband is not only unhelpful, but he is mean. He says things like, "You're so $&*#ing lazy!" My 9 year old son is starting to copy his behavior.

I am planning on moving closer to family who can help me out more and filing for divorce, but that probably won't be until at least this spring. How do I cope with the next few months and keep from losing my mind?

[Sumanadevii]

While I really do feel for you there are some things you can do to make the situation livable.

One, just know that there will be no support or help from him.  Once you can get past that things become better.

Now, stage two is to begin finding people to support you.  Do you have a church or temple group that might be willing to cook?  do laundry?  yardwork?

If no there are other places to go.  Most Catholic high schools make their students do so many hours of community service to graduate.  They do lawns and leaf raking..housecleaning, etc.

There are both the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts earning badges that would be willing to help.

You just have to start making calls.  No need to take it out on hubby or your son...neither understand and may never.  If he (hubby) doesn't like you calling in other troops politely explain you need the help and support then...this is important....go into the bathroom and stay there.  For some reason the fighting stops because most won't interrupt a trip to the bathroom.  When you come out if he wants to continue...Get back in there..."Darn this MS.  Wasn't done."  Keep some magazines handy and let him sit with no one to fight with.

[firebaum06]

Ojinajo, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this now! I have no dx at this time, so only hubby and boys and boss know really what's going on, so my advice only comes from trying to help my mother get away from an emotionally abusive husband. My mom was a very proud women and hated asking for help..but what i learned is that this is your life and you have to want to live it! Its obvious that your husband is not going to be there for you, but your son is young so his attitude can change! Don't give up on him, and yes moving closer to family that can help is a wonderful idea! You need support and you need help!
Please don't wait till its too late like my mom did. Fight for yourself and your son! Don't let anyone take your spirit!!

[kelly97]

I'm glad that you do have plans to leave his butt behind. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this with someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally.  It takes a strong person to have enough to strength to walk away from an abusive relationship.  

Can you move up the date of leaving him?  I'm afraid the longer you stay, the more that he will abuse you psychologically & emotionally. Then there's a higher chance of you becoming depressed or losing your self-esteem.

Is it possible for one of your family members to come and stay with you until you are able to leave?

Take care,
Kelly

[rendean]

I am lucky that my husband is supportive but I do know others who are in your situation. I know it's tough but Sumana did make a good point that if you  don't expect any help or support then you won't be disappointed . However, that's an awful way to live.

Even with a supportive husband, my kids are all in college now, and I have to ask for help. I rejoined a women's group I belonged to years ago and it has been wonderful!!. Rides to the docs, lunches out, and offers (turned down out of pride) for help with the housework.

Have you checked wit your local MS society? Some chapters have great support groups.

As for your son, at 9 , IMO he is old enough to help out and to understand that his mean behavior is hurtful. I'm not saying miracles happen overnight with the help around the house. It took my family a while to understand since "I looked so good". One fall splitting my head open solved that.

I do wish you could find some company or someone to talk to that understands and can help out. Sumana is correct. Pick up the phone and start making calls. the helps unfortunatley isn't going to come to you , you have to seek it. Start with the MS Society, your church or temple or any other resource you can think of. If you don't belong to a church or temple, I do know that many churches still have outreach programs for the community and you do not have to belong to their organization.

I do wish you well. You have a lot on your plate and a lot emotionally to deal with with. We're here to lend an ear so keep us updated on your search for help.

Ren

[summerluvr]

Does the MS society do any information sessions for caregivers?  Or family groups?

[twopack]

Sometimes they do.  Chapters decide independently what services they will offer their communities so the programs available varies. The best way o learn about specific programs offered in individual communities is to contact the local chapter.

Mary

[twopack]

It sounds like you have a budding plan.  If you have to delay putting it into action until spring I would suggest busying yourself with the details that will make it work.  Parts can be exciting (think of new start possibilities) while others will concern legal matters, practical details and resolution formation (are you convinced this is what you want/need no matter what good or bad an individual day brings?).  

It might be best you have this delay before executing your plan.  There never seems to be enough time for the MS brain/body to complete the number of tasks to be finished.

I don't envy you the long winter ahead.  If good days come with the cooler weather it's possible to lose track of what the hot summer season did to your body and relationship.  Too often I forgive family reactions on my more independent days and then am left unprepared for their glaring shortcomings on the very days I rely on them most.

You've been given some good tips here that sound like they were born from experience.  I think I understand the principle behind the closed bathroom door but I hope to God if I ever end up hiding in there I have material to compose a "Things Going With Me" list and a good lawyer on speed dial.

Keep in mind that we can't cure loneliness’ here but we can guarantee you're never alone.

Mary
[Note to me: Build thyself a sanctuary.]

[Jacksmom516]

Know what you are going thru -  My Boyfriend of 8 years bailed a few month ago because I didn't get this "fixed"  I still do not have a dx so this is going to take time and he just could not handle it.  So I am dealing with this on my own - I have a few friends who help but they truly do not understand and since I can't do alot of things - very weak legs - I just don't get asked to do stuff any longer so yeah it is lonely - reading and writing here is the biggest help i have found.  I was off work for a week and my home computer is slow so  I was off the site for a week and can I say boy I missed it!

Hang in there like mary said you are never alone in this!

[sllowe]

Oji,

What a piece of crap - no one deserves this.

Your son will follow suit for sure. Can you take him to a couple lectures? I'd be more than happy to dig your area for you to find something. Going to be super important for you and your son's relationship. There is a lot he needs to know about this disease.

So sorry you have to go through this. In the meantime, hold tight to what you know. Let his hateful words go in one ear and out the other.
(((hugs))))
-shell