As those who know me I have gone through a lot in life. Especially in the last few years with the diagnosis of MS and battling cancer. Physically I have never been more beaten down. I have been fortunate with my MS, it has been something I could live with. The cancer is kicking my butt at the moment. The cancer is not bad at the moment. They did wipe out my bone marrow in the treatment so I have few white or red blood cells which leaves me weak.
I was talking to my counselor today and saying I have never been this depressed. I told her every time I get knocked to the mat I get up again but now I am too scared of the next punch. She pointed out that I have something in me that so wants to live. She said you have been looking at all angles of your cancer and that is not what someone who is giving up does.
I realize that I have pushed hard this week to get out and to be honest with my health care team about how bad I feel and how scared I am. I realize as depressed as I am I want to get back in the game.
People who see me see a smile on my face most of the time. We do not have control over disease. We do not have control over how others treat us. When things are really hard just do your best. Nurture that little part of you who wants to live. My therapist reminded me I will want to paint again and to ride Clara even if I do not want to now. I forget what my body has been through and expect too much right now.
Whatever the MS is doing to you try to find ways around it to have some enjoyment. I really like my library for the blind digital books. Lately all I can do most times is lay in bed but the books take me places. I listen to travel books, historical novels, and books about animals. I missed the whole election hoop lah because I could not watch TV and it was great. I also love listening to music of all types. Friends make me cds. My husband's coworkers have been cooking my favorite meals. It is hard to not eat cookies someone took time to make me. I also have four constant companions, they rotate. Polly my Service Dog, Dalmatian. Grady her bratty brother an 85 pound fox hound. Moon Pie and Ne Hi my cats. The cats are constantly fighting and needing doctoring. This week Ne Hi has and abcess on his face so I get to use all my Veterinary skills on him. Sometimes I have all of them piled on the bed and my legs are hanging off.
Keep hope my friends. Hope is the most important thing of all. I am amazed with all I have been through that I still have lots of hope. I even think I am going to live longer than any statistics say. They may find a cure for my cancer and PPMS while I am hanging around.
Alex that is exactly what I think, you have that special something that helps you through everything even though sometimes you "think" you´re giving up the fight. So we just know that you are going to brake all records (is that right said in English?).
Thanks everyone. Dagun that was perfect. Having a good day. I went to the pain clinic. They have been great support. I am stepping my antidepressant with Abilify to help get me going again. I know I will be well again soon.
Thank you Alex - really needed that today - been a tough couple of days even though had good reports from Neuro - the financial end of this is getting to me and trying to come to the resolution to give up my house - kind of like giving up and saying this has beaten me. After reading what you said it does give me some hope that maybe I can keep fighting to keep my home and stay put where I want to -
THANK YOU AGAIN- keep up the fight - you are such an inspiration!
Thanks Alex, you are an inspiration, and AMEN to you post. We all needed to hear that, and thank you so very much for sharing, especially when you are so low.... God Bless you, and dgive you the strenght to keep one foot in front of the other.
Tracy the financial is scary. The out of pocket for cancer is unreal. I luckily have no real MS expenses since I do not get MRIs, or am not on medication and only see my Neurologist once a year. I am on a 36 month payment plan for four groups for my cancer surgery, 6 chemos, Tow days in the hospitals, and CT Scans. Two hospitals and two physicians' groups. I worry about our house but thank God we are not there yet. I have to keep up with these payment plans and not be a day late or pay the wrong bill at the wrong time. It is hard to do when you are sick to have to deal with all this. My cancer doctor does not understand that I have limited funds.
Hi Alex, I'm so sorry to hear how low you're feeling. You're always one of the first to respond on here and you always have such good advice. I really hope we can all give something back to you, if only by lifting your spirits. You certainly have been through a lot with the ms and cancer and its totally understandable that you will feel depressed sometimes. I think with serious conditions you start off with fight inside you which keeps you going. It's hard but look at how far you've come and you're still going strong. Keep hoping and keep battling. I hope the antidepressants help too. Thinking of you, Zoe
I think of you often. YOU have made such a difference in my life and how I look at things with Jordan. Thank you for all the words of inspiration that keeps things in perspective for me. I am so proud of you! Hang in there and know I am here for you.
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