Off topic; I'm in a real pickle, could use some help.

Yesterday I called the state to report someone that is fraudulently obtaining Medicaid and other benefits from Oregon while living in California.  He is using his dad's address up here, and the dad is suffering from early dementia.  The son is taking advantage of him financially, and I let slip of and incident I had heard of when the dad visited family in CA; the son wanted money, dad said no, dad pushed yelling son, son attacked dad, had to be pulled off by other family members.

I checked with family members that I know to clarify some facts in the fraud, and they were horrified that I had reported the physical attack, because they are very afraid that the bad son will retaliate violently, and there are small children and women to worry about.  They are afraid that if when they investigate the fraud, if they say someone reported it, that the bad part of the family will assume they were the source, no matter what, and retaliation will occur.

I told them that I would make it clear when I got a call from the fraud division today, that I would make it clear that they needed to not only keep the report anonymous, but say that an audit raised red flags, or something like that.  I also promised that I would say that what I reported about the attack was heresay, and that I was mistaken.

I got woke up this morning by a man from Adult Protective Services.  I tried to do what I had promised the grandmother of three young boys, but the man kept after me, and I cried, and explained the fear in the family, and cried, and explained that if it were up to me I would report anything remotely abusive in a heartbeat, but I respect this family's wishes, and couldn't give him the correct spelling of the last name.

I pointed out that the report to Fraud would have the correct spelling, but then reinforced the grandmother's wishes, explaining how horrible it would be if a drug addict went after three young boys, or even one of them.  Who cares if the police got involved after that; how could any of us live with having been the cause of trauma to a little one or little ones?

I fear for this family; for the victims, and for the ones that cover up the abuse of this man near 80 so they don't have to deal with a brother/son off his medication, or pay his way.  The bad son is also attempting to get SSI, flying to OR for his hearing, probably having his dad pay for the flight.  I don't understand people like that; blood shouldn't be thicker than water when kin is abusing an old man and defrauding the government.

I meant to just find someone to report the fraud to, but it took me hours of wading through phone systems, so when I found a human that was interested, the whole story poured out.

The good family members want the fraud investigation to put an end to the bad son's trips up here to get his Morphine, as rumor has it is what he is gettting through Medicaid and a doctor that should not be practicing.  The son is a known drug addict; in treatment twice, probably been in jail more than once.  The doctor has been with the family for decades, so he couldn't not know.

Sorry to dump this all here, but I'm so torn and alone with this burden, and was hoping for some understanding and support.  I promised the man from Adult Protective Services that if I hear of another incident or some concrete evidence, I will call him in a hot minute.

Pray for this family; pray for me; pray for human beings.  Sorry, I've been crying....

Needing a hug or two,

Kathy

[AMO]

ddear kathy,

here.......((((((((((((((((huggs)))))))))))))
it is so tough knowing how to handle things, and you certainli have done right.
don't doubt that ,ok.
I know you realize being upfront and all honest is always the best for eveyrone. It may not look that way right now, but in this long run is.
Clearly this person is abusing the system,. and his family
It was VERY brave ffo you!
take it easy on yourself. amo

p.s. heres anothth r (((hug))

[Fluffysmom]

Thank you.  I don't feel very brave.  I would risk my life to protect those young boys, but I'm not in California to do so.  

It is SO in my nature to be honest and forthcoming; it physically hurt to not tell all to the Adult Protective Services man this morning.  I needed to respect the wishes of people I care about, and the contradiction between the desire to tell all and to protect others that I care about has been tearing at me.

I'll see this through.  

Thanks so much for the hugs; they do help.

Kathy

[saveone]

My education is in the field of social work.  I have seen/worked with both sides, those who are abused and those who abuse.  I can tell you from experience you have done the right thing.  He will not quit abusing those around him unless someone stops him.  He may even kill someone if he isn't stopped.  I know you are afraid he will hurt the kids because he gets angry someone told and yes that could happen.  However, abusers are usually cowards and when threatened with exposure they most often play the good guy for a little while allowing the family (those living in his home) time to get to a shelter or safe place.  Please remember the children are probably living in fear everyday and someone has to be the hero. Also it doesn't matter that you reported him, he doesn't need an excuse to perpetrate abuse on his family.  He knows they are afraid and he probably feels powerful because of it.  Without intervention the risk of him harming someone is just as high as if you don't report.  An abuser's power is in the fear and secrecy. Take that away and they have no power.  So know you did the right thing and I can relate to it is never easy - but it is necessary.  I will keep you and them in my prayers.  I am sending you all the hugs I have.  

[Fluffysmom]

Thanks for responding; I now understand your screen name!

I do understand how abusers work.  That is why I needed to report him.

However, he lives in another city from the little ones; they are the children of his step-sister.  He lives with the "bad" part of the family, that will protect him, and lie about the abuse.

The stepdaughter wants to protect her dad, but the bad son will "know" that she is the one that reported him, although I'm the one that did it.  She has been vocal about keeping him away from her dad.

Only the family knows about that event of violence, and she is the only one that would have talked, in their mind.

I fear that there is no concrete evidence of the abuse, and the family will circle the wagons around the bad son, because they have been covering for him all along.

If there is an investigation, the bad son will think that she has set it in motion, and will feel free to retaliate against her.  Remember, he is on morphine and has a history of violence. I don't think that it's just for the feeling of power; I think its because his wishes aren't being fulfilled.  That kind of abuser is very dangerous indeed.  Think antisocial.

The boys aren't afraid of him; they don't know him very well, he's just an uncle they don't see often.  Their mother fears that they would be a target because she knows her step-brother; knows that he would think she reported him.  Their grandmother fears the same thing, as well as for her daughter.  And herself, for that matter.  And me, even if my report is supposed to be anonymous.

Thanks very much for the prayers and hugs.

Kathy

[Fluffysmom]

P.S.

I'm still hoping that the fraud investigation will put an end to his trips up to Oregon and his dad's house to get his prescription for Morphine and who knows what else filled, and thereby put an end to the opportunity to take advantage of his dad financially by begging, threat, or violence.  

[saveone]

You are very right the addicted abuser is very dangerous. I am glad I misunderstood and the boys do not live with him.  You have done your part.  Now all you can do is leave it in the hands of God and pray.  I hope my reference to God does not offend you.  I know there are many forms of worship.  I am speaking from my point of view.  Also, I can tell you are a good person or this would not bother you so much.  More hugs if those weren't enough.  

[Fluffysmom]

Thanks again!  I like to think of God as a name to cover the one to pray to in every religion that is for the good of humankind, but respect also that others have their own religions and belief systems; to me they're all good.  Kind of like in the Chronicles of Narnia, if you read that as a kid: C.S. Lewis had Aslan telling a young man that thought he had prayed to the "wrong" diety that since he was praying in good faith, with no evil in his heart, then he was praying to the right diety.  I forget the wording, but the idea stuck with me all these years, as I learned many new things.

I did get a call from the State Fraud investigators, and they said they have enough information to get their investigation under way.  Let's just hope and pray that it uncovers everything, without endangering anyone.  I wouldn't mind if the doctor that is prescribing the Morphine was investigated and all the wrong he has done was uncovered (there is definitely more).

Yes, the more hugs helped; I don't feel as if I have a cloud of radioactive waste hanging over my head any more.  It was way beyond a little rain cloud; I'm an Oregonian and rain is normal and good.  This feeling was not.  I know I've done my part, and all I can do now is pray.

Hugs to you, too!

Kathy

[Quixotic1]

You have done your part, and I am proud of you.  Perhaps the investigation for fraud will keep the man more away from the family.  These situation are always hard.  Feel brighter.  This was the right thing to do.

Even though he has a history of violence, these guys are usually cowards as Saveone says.  I thought her post was Spot On!

Quix

[Sarahsmom46]

Our forum friend SAVEONE is right on the money with her advice.  I was also a social worker in my former career and worked primarily with the adult and elderly population.  I am also a bit ashamed to admit that a similar situation as yours occurred in my family a couple of years ago between my dad and my eldest brother.  My brother used to be heavy into drugs until about 3 years ago after wrapping his car around a utility pole - and survived.  He came to live with my dad after getting out of the hospital and was not only recovering from his injuries, but also withdrawing from the effects of the drugs.  Well, things were happening in the house that none of us knew about until my dad ended up "falling" and had to be put in a rehab unit until he recovered.  It was a neighbor who knew what was happening who also called APS to report it.  Thank God she did otherwise this could have had a much worse ending.  Thankfully once APS got into the picture and did the investigation, dad got help and so did my brother - much needed help.

Reporting this abuse may have been one of the hardest decision you had to make, but  my dear, you must know that you did the right thing and if no one is thankful to you right now, they will be down the road.  Something good will come out of this.  Please let us know how things turn out.

Julie

[Fluffysmom]

Thanks for also reassuring me that I have done the right thing.  The family members have calmed down, and have ceased panicking.  They still fear him, but hope that the investigators will keep suspicion off of them as reporters of the fraud.

Saveone is indeed awesome with her advice.  I worked for a short while with the local women's crisis line, by best friend is a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate for children), and have some interesting situations in my own past.  I've helped people with escape plans, including a close family member.

This was just such a convoluted mess, with the mom of the bad son telling him that his dad had always loved his stepsister the most, building hatred in him since his childhood, the dad at one point an abusive alcoholic before he mellowed with age and then became so ill.  There is so much history and baggage; whew!

I just realized that this would make a good noir-ish book if it wasn't so true life.  I don't think I'll read a book or watch a movie with these themes ever again.

Julie, thanks for sharing your story.  It does sound similar, since this bad son is supposed to be a recovered addict; prescription drugs don't count, apparently.  I'm so glad there was a kind and caring neighbor that was willing to get involved, in your family's case,  and that both your dad and brother got the help they needed.

Have I told my forum family lately how much I love them?  Well, I do; thanks for being here for me.

Kathy

[wishforchange]

I am so sorry you are caught up in the middle of things, and all because you did something out of the goodness of your heart.

You have done your bit, now you really should be left alone and the issue kept for the authorities to deal with.  

I am concerned about your phonecall this morning from Adult Protection Services.  If it was me, after calming down, I would check that the person who phoned was who they say they were, and not some affiliate of the man you reported.  Just to be sure - with my suspicious nature I never accept cold calls without checking out the caller.  Then be strong in realizing you did not owe this man any more information, you have already done more than enough to allow the victims of this criminal to get protection.  There was no need for him to 'interrogate' you.

This is out of your hands now, but it is because of what you have done a life may have been saved, and the wellbeing of many others.  Your suffering is no reward, time to step back again and let the ball keep rolling.  You have done something so brave that it is possibly the greatest deed you or any of us will do in our lives.  You have nothing to fear.  Whether you are spiritual or not be assured that you are being protected, and all you have to get through now is this trauma you are feeling.

My advice is not to get involved in any more conversations with this man should he call again, just assure him that all the right authorities have the information now, and you need to be now left in peace and given your right to anonymity respected.

Ultimately, should you feel threatened in any way, involve the police, to protect you.  It's the least they owe you.  Maybe for now for your own peace of mind try not to be alone too much, at home or out, even look to get away for a bit.  

I too am very proud of you, but don't want you to be scared or hurt any more.  Time will come when you will see this family safe again and you will know that it is your doing.  Just get through this horrible bit, it will pass.  Talk to us again and again and at any time of day and night and know that we are all listening and supporting you.

There are relatively few special heroes in this world, I think you just added to the list.

wish

[doni54]

I totally agree with saveone also. You did the right thing, sweetie.  You are a brave and caring soul and should be commended for your actions.

I also agree with wish, you are a hero!!

Hugs
doni

[Fluffysmom]

I really appreciate your concern, and kind and supportive words, and protective suspicions.  I assure you, I took the man's name (having him spell it) and phone number that called me from APS.  I do think he was simply trying to bring protection to this elderly man.

I know I'm feeling better, 'cause I laughed out loud when you suggested I go away for a bit.  My next trip is to California with the good side of the family, including the three boys, to celebrate one of their birthday's at Disneyland.  It's a big place and there will be several thousand people there, so I think we should be pretty safe.  Kind of funny, though, to be traveling close to wear the "bad guy" lives with the family I'm concerned about, in a kind of twisted way.

Aw, shucks, I just read the last sentence of your post again, and it sunk in, and now I'm blushing and have a couple happy tears moisturizing my eyes.  Thank you.

Kathy

[Fluffysmom]

Oh heck, now I'm blushing again, or is it a hot flash?  :o)  Thank you so much, I'm smiling again.  

Kathy