The Reality of Strength

I would like to think that this will be a post of great profoundness (profunidity?), but I'm afraid it will be a story of an woman barely coping with a nasty illness.  I often think strength is in the eyes of the observer and not so much in the person being observed.  I can't number the times people have complimented me on my strength or courage or whatever, and each time I feel like a fake.  If they only knew how close to the edge I operate...

When I first really went down from the vertigo and out on disability, I felt so bad that I barely left the bed for about 9 months.  I didn't even consider things like paying bills, or taxes, or what I looked like and certainly didn't want to see anyone.  My head whirled with every movement and I could barely think.  My ENT operated and found a big hole in my inner ear which was leaking fluid into my middle ear.  So what I had was a year long spinal headache only it was in my ear.  The fluid pressure was always too low and unstable, so I could never get used to any steady state.

He closed the hole, and with a month I felt sooo much better.  I returned to work almost full-time, but it wasn't long before the fatigue of chronic vertigo caught up to me.  My life then was wake up, rounds at hospital, short hours in the office, nap thru lunch, short hours at office, rounds at hospital, and to bed for the night.  I had to cut my hours over and over trying to maintain my practice.  I was the only pediatrician in a tiny, rural Nevada town.  I began noticing at the end of the day my memory was failing me for phone numbers, kids' histories, and finally after about a year for the really important things.

One morning after a horrendous night on call, I couldn't respond to a premie in distress.  There just were no thoughts in my head.  I was completely unable to respond to the emergency.  I turned around, passed the baby on to a colleague and left practice for good.  I still break out in a sweat thinking about what might have happened if this was in the middle of the night when the hopsital was mostly deserted, rather than 10am.  The blow to my self image and esteem was pretty much complete.

The next 3 years or so is pretty much a blur.  I rarely got up or left the house.  Depression mixed with the vertigo.  Things stabilized enough to move up to Portland.  I could run most of my own errands, do a little quilting.  I still napped every few hours, and slept 12 to 14 hours a night.  But, I considered my self pretty useless.  I had never wanted to just take up room on the planet and this is what I felt like I was doing.  My life was neither heroic nor noble.  It seemed a waste and bleak.  Finally, I improved a little and joined an online diet group.  I lost 50 pounds and was able to teach my group a lot about carbohydrate metabolism and the medical stuff that came up. I was known as "Kiddiedoc."  Being a mentor was fun.  The first meaning in my life for several years.

Then MonSter began showing up.  My fatigue worsened -something I didn't think was possible.  My leg wouldn't work.  Driving made me more than ill and I pulled back in, isolated again.  When I could no longer quilt, it was a huge blow.  The divorce and having to pay my lazy XH $3000/month alimony drove me into bankruptcy and I lost my financial standing.  I was no longer a respected member of society.  It all ate away at my view of myself.  Each day I awakened to try to find a reason to make it through that day.

My old, "evil" neurologist made it clear he thought I was malingering.  I just felt more useless.  Only when I had the first relapse when my arm wouldn't work, did I begin to get angry.  For me the anger came very late.  You all pretty much know the rest.  Online I began to get a little education in adult neurology.  It was clear that I had to have MS.  There was no other possiblility.  I found Dr. M.  He made the diagnosis immediately.  I felt personally, emotionally and professionally vindicated.  I think that awakened my joy in finding information and applying it to make something better.  Then there was this forum.

I've told you all over and over that I get more from you than you possibly could from me.  It is here that I feel alive again.  But, I am not a hero.  I have held on by the ragged tips of my fingers.  I am so amazed at the fight and the spunk and the resiliency in so many of you.  I wonder what it is that you have found to fight with.  I would love to be your shining example, but I fight like many of you just to make it through the day...maybe so I can come on here and exclaim, "I made it through the day!"  

I have avoided posting on the "Emotions" thread for these very reasons.  But, when I hear that Craig looks at me and wonders if he could ever have the "bounce-back" that I have, I think it is only fair that I share (reveal) how truly hard it has been and how I am not at all that resilient.  I sometimes feel like a hypocrite, cheering you on.   But, when some of you post that you feel like you're in a black-hole or that things seem so hard, I want to tell you that things work out.  Something comes along that gives meaning to what you are or can do.

The fact of your believing that I have strength gives me strength.  Funny isn't it?

Quix

[pennst8r]

Oh Sweetie, for once you are wrong.  Coming out the other side of THAT is the epitomy of strength.

Penn

[hbananas]

Wow.  Wow.  Just wow.
And I thought I couldn't admire you more.  Wrong-o!  Thank you for sharing with us.

[SOONERMOM]

You are like the phoenix, reborn from the ashes.  You have definitely found a new "calling" here on this forum.  

Stacey

[humming4u]

you are a hero, just so much more then a comic book type,your a human, a woman of wisdom,hense, where your strenght lays, who dosn't take her gifts and hourd them, you share.thank you for your story.
I plan on remembering it often,and remembering you in my prayers

.                                                 with great respect,and thanksgiving,
    
                                                              Cathy

[risnerrose]

I've said this before, and I'll say it again . . . you are a Godsend!  

God's blessings over you and yours,

Sherry

[Momzilla]

Penn nailed it.

You're so stupid.

It's when we are so vulnerable, so fragile, uncertain.  Shards and fragments of what we once were, what we thought we were.  And we still plow through.  We still forge ahead.  We still knit that hat, get on the LazyBoy and create, nurture and foster an entire community of caring people who know how to stand up for themselves and each other.  Especially when terribly frustrated by arrogant or lazy health care providers have written them off or brushed them aside.

It's not courage if you're not afraid.

It's not strength if you're not vulnerable.

I know you didn't write this post to fish for compliments, Quix, because I know you.  This is going to backfire on you in a beautiful way.

Z*

[kitten o]

JUST WANTED TO SAY, HOW SPECIAL WE ALL
ARE IN MANY WAYS. YOU ARE EXTRA SPECIAL.
GOD SENT YOU TO ALL OF US. YOUR VERY BRAVE.
I WISH I COULD EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS.
BUT I DON'T HOW YET.
YOUR FRIEND, GOD BLESS
KITT

[Momzilla]

KITT~

YOU EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS VERY WELL!!

I THINK WE ALL UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL.  AND I, FOR ONE, AM GLAD TO SEE MORE OF YOU LATELY!!!

LOVE,

ZILLA*

[Barbie51]

I know I haven't nearly the disabilities that you and so many others have had and I still have felt like I can barely hang on sometimes.  Penn is right, coming through what you have to be such a giving, caring and intelligent Godsend to others is very strong.  Don't you ever, ever feel like a fake.  You are truly, truly helping others which I bet is what you got your degree to do in the first place.  We truly never know what road we're going to end up taking do we?  You just keep making new roads.  We think you're great.  But when you're not feeling so great, that's okay too.  

By the way, I know all about ******* XH's.  Much better off not on that road anymore.  : )
Barb

[monotreme]

Thank you so much Quix.  You know, only a strong person would persevere like you have.  I am sure Craig will get strength just from reading this.  Your ability to share this so eloquently is very much appreciated.

Elaine

[sllowe]

Ants are so strong, they can hold - how many times their own weight???? Which to us, would be - how many lbs?

Have fun figure out the moral to that comment and how it relates to individual strengh. . . .ha/ha (I hope I can remember what the rabbit I was thinking in the morning)

The "belief" of strength the expectations that come along with it to those who bear it, can be exhausting and dibilitating too, this we should always remember.  i.e., we have to remember not to tap out our good friends and resources.

So Quix our friend, teacher and denmother, you are a humble sole, so I'm sure you did not want all these comments.  

Just wanted to pass along thought to you and all, that we cherish every day, and every word, regardless if it's social, educational, inspirational, pissy, itchy. (u.know i had to add those) .ha/ha. . .

love you all LOTS!, And this was an excellent opportunity to say so, whether you like it or not. . tee/hee. . .
SL

[essdipity]

Those of you who might have noticed have seen my Medhelp mood: essdipity is keepin on keepin on. That's so true, yet it is only one dimension of things. In my long life I have been through several prolonged periods of out and out hell. Excrucating pain, horrible beyond my ability to describe, and my whole world came near to simply collapsing on me. I didn't know quite honesty if I could still live in any meaningful sense. Family members accused me of making things up, doing it on purpose, and not wanting to get well. I was crushed and almost helpless, dangling in the wind, weak as a kitten. Many more things happened---to my job and to my marriage. At 52  I had to start all over again. There has been lots more struggle, but the important thing is that I did get through them and out the other side. I don't know how, and it took years. Somewhere in there I had a core of strenght, to pull myself together and inch my way to a much better place now.

In the last few years I've become a happy camper again. I have the right relationships, friends, interests and activities, including a lot of volunteer work. I'm back to being  fun person at least most of the time. So it can be done. I take this MS business in stride because I've already seen the worst that life can offer, and this isn't it. That's a wonderful knowledge that will fortify me the rest of my life.

I recognize that I've made this thread into my own story, but really there was a reason. Quix and all of us here have had our pivate hells, yet here we are. Every day isn't great, but lots of days are wonderful. We all have strength.

ess

[Quixotic1]

Yes!

[willowwoman7]

Strength takes many faces. Just putting your feet on the floor in the morning, is sometimes an incredible show of strength. All of us who show up here, demonstrate strength, for it is in strength that we reach out and ask for help and in turn help others. I, too have seen my own hell, burying my husband when I was 36, etc. A wise doctor (yes there are some of those on occastion) once told me that sometimes we need to "look" for happiness in the corners of our lives so the darkness doesn't overwhelm us. Another form of "keep on keeping on". Reading your stories, and the threads, etc. led me to do something I should have done before. I was an ordained minister and let my license lapse. Well, last week, I renewed my ordination oath and am waiting for my license. You all...your combined strength has helped me to see that life is not over just because I have MS. Thank you Quix for your honesty, sharing, and compassion through your own struggles.

[Wobbly]

you have given all of us the courage and strength to deal with tomorrow, and having you here is one of the most wonderful things on this forum.  

You are a special lady who is loved by alot of friends.

You have gone through and are still dealing with alot, we are here for you as you are for us..

Thanks
Andie

[LLWB]

A darn it, now you made me cry. And reading all of the outpouring of affection and friendship kept me crying.  You are not a fake. We never see ourselves as others see us. Let us think you are all -knowing, all -hearing, all- seeing. Goddess of All! LOL. Seriously, you are a true blessing to us all..........Maggie

[monotreme]

Wow, this forum is full of heroes.  These posts leave me speechless.  Have a good day tomorrow everyone.

Elaine

[young at heart]

WOW,

YOU KNOW YOUR VERY SPECIAL TO ALL OF US,THIS TOOK COURAGE FOR YOU TO WRITE.THIS ONLY SHOWS YOUR STRENGTH AND PERSAVERENCE TO BATTLE THAT DEMAN LIES WITHIN ALL OF US.

YOUR AN AMAZING PERSON,YOUR SENSITIVITY,HONESTNESS,KNOWLEDGE,
THE CARING LOVE YOU SHOW ALL OF US.

10 YEARS AGO,WHO WOULD OF THOUGHT WE,ALL US,THIS ENTIRE FORUM WOULD OF BECOME A CYBER FAMILY.

THE SUPPORT OF THIS FORUM HAS KEPT ME GOING,QUIX,YOUR LOVE,KNOWLEDGE AND WILLINGNESS TO CARE FOR US HAS GOTTEN MANY OF US THROUGH OUR DARKEST MOMENTS.

THIS LAST YEAR HAS BEEN A LIVING NIGHT MARE FOR ME,IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS FORUM,I COULD OF LAID ON THE COUCH,THROWN A BLANKET OVER MY HEAD AND STAYED THERE.

IF I HAD A COUCH NOW,I'D PROBABLY BE THERE NOW AND STAY.

LIFE IS FULL OF TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS AND MUCH DEPENDS ON HOW WE FACE THEM,SOME WE CAN FACE GRACIOUSLY,OTHERS NOT SO WELL.

ALL OF YOU HERE HAVE GIVEN ME THE STRENGTH TO FIGHT,FIGHT THE RELAPSES AND DEAL WITH MY CURRENT TRAGEDY.

I KNOW HAVING THIS FAMILY HERE I DON'T WALK ALONE.

QUIX ,THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING AND YES YOU GIVE ALL OF SO MUCH STRENGTH AND ENCOURAGEMNT THROUGH YOUR WISDOM.

IN 1998 I WAS A PROCESS STATISTICAL CONTROL ANALYST,HAD BACK SURGERY AND ENDED UP DISABLED,RAISING 4 KIDS,AGES 3 THRU 12,DIDN'T WALK FOR 2 YEARS,THE MS AND THE ARACHNOIDITIS ARE JUST ADDED BONUSES.

WHEN LIFE THROWS YA A CURVE BALL YA KNOCK THAT PUPPY OUT OF THE BALL PARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIFE GOES ON,WE HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE TO BE PART OF IT OR HIDE FROM IT.ME I PLAN ON FACING IT,NO MORE DARK PLACES,YOU ALL LIGHTEN MY WAY.

T

[tmjfibro]

to quix  you are a shinning star ,this world would sure be dark without you,you are a perfect example of how to be kind caring and supportive to this cyber family
Quix you are one special lady


love sheila

[Eliza3]

Wow!
Thanks for sharing. You are a very strong person.

Love Elizabeth

[Heather3418]

What an ache I have in my heart for what you endure and what you have lost.

I would give everything I had, to give you back some of the things that you have lost.  The one thing that you have gained, is a tremendous amount of friends...This is one way to count our blessings...through the number of friends we have.

You are so cared about and so loved.  What you do for us here and I am sure for others in your life, cannot be meausred in words.  You ARE a valuable human being and this lady is damn glad that you DO take up a place on this earth.

Much love and many prayers,
Heather

[angela5674]

My view of you has changed...not into the "fraud" that you worry we'll see you as.  But to knowing you are human, not just the bearer of facts (which I hope for and rely on), not for the supporter to us (which we all need), but to a now, more well-rounded Quix.  Someone who supports us because she knows how much she needs supports, gives facts because there was a time when facts weren't their when you needed them.  

I am terribly independent, and asking for help is a difficult feat for me to muster.  I imagine you to be similar.  I have no great advice on how to allow yourself to use others shoulders to bear your cross, because I'm no good at doing anything but bearing mine and theirs.  But please use when you can, for whatever you can.  

I love this little community we have.  In my deepest depths of sorrow and despair, I come here to be lifted up.  When I need a good laugh, a good cry, a moment to stop thinking about the zaps in my face, I come here, and know that I have friends.  One, in particular, named Quix.  The one who gave me answers when I first came on here with an MRI that indicated I might have MS.  The one who continued to answer my many questions (and still does) as I learn about this disorder I have.  I only hope as I come to terms with what is happening to me, that I can be that same strength for others...even if I have to "fake it 'til I make it."

Love ya Quix,
Angela

[syndismilez]

Thank you.....
I am speechless.....
Cyndi

[Jazzyfizzle]

Quix, I think you are an amazing woman, and to know that we have stood on common ground gives me strength. I've often thought that if I could ever write my story - I would call it ' Back From the Edge', and that truly is it. I think your post is profound indeed, it helps us know we are not alone in our struggles and fears.

Hugs,

Jazzy

[mae1]

thanks Quix, I think one of my favorite sayings is "only threw seeking to help others did I find my self".
april

[Rena705]

It amazes me that after all that you have been through and are still dealing with that you can still find the energy and wherewithall to continue using what you learned as a physician to help people.  It would have been very simple to just go on with your own life and deal with your own problems but you chose to help people instead and that is very admirable.

You have helped me quite a bit and for that I am grateful and please know that if there is anything I can ever do to help you I would be more than happy to do so.

Rena705

[doni54]

Wow....all I can say is I love you friend, and you are not and never could be labeled a fraud!

I have had a rough year and you know most of the details cause you have always been here for me and gave me the courage to go on.

This past month has almost finished me.  Got up this morning and didn't even want to face the day.  I come on this forum and what is it that I read?  This thread of course!  I have not been thru even a smiggen of what you have been thru and I'm going around ready to give up!

I'm crying so hard right now I can barely see the screen, but it's not sad crying, it's realization crying.  You have always pulled me back up when I'm down, but this time, with what you have written I now truly understand what strength really is.  You have saved me yet again, my friend.

From this day forward when I feel I am reaching that really bad place I will read your words and I know that they will wake me up. (Of course I printed your post, I have a whole drawer full of your love, inspirations, clinical details, etc.)

Thanks to you and to all on this forum.  This is a place of, compassion, kindness, companionship, education and most of all love.  I know it has been a God send to me and many, many others.

With Love
doni

[dowma]

You are even more coragious for writing what you did.  Thanks for sharing and always thank you for your never ending help.  
Sincerely,
Mary Beth

[grannyhotwheels]

Dear Quix,

You are even more of a hero to me now than you where before.  What courage and strength you have for enduring all that you have.  Never ever tell yourself that you are a fake.  You are the furthest thing from a fake.  It took a very courageous woman to do all that you did.  Giving up your practice, fighting the pain (Monster), going through divorce, you have done a lot more than most of us could have.

I probably would have had a complete breakdown.  Thank God there are people like you that I can look to and admire.  You have given me so much inspiration in my life.  Some of the posts that you have posted have given me the courage and strength that I otherwise would have never had.  For this I thank you.  Actually this forum has saved my life.  

I know that I do a lot more lurking lately, but my hands are really bothering me and it's hard to type.  I still read as much as I can.  I would never have made it if God had not pointed me to this place.  He knew that ya'll are what I needed to get up and get my groove on. haahaaheehee  Thank you all and especially you Quix.

I'll be praying,
Carol

[AMERS389]

I am so proud of you and how you were so transparent with us, that requires humility, not hypocrisy..
God blesses us when we are "real" with one another. It is not easy, admitting I was an alcoholic almost killed me..I was the queen bee of self sufficiency and I don' t need any help;...God let me get pretty broken till I reached out...he has taken you on a difficult journey and yet you did not give up, in fact you turned your pain and experience into helping others through this journey. You are human Quix, you suffered great losses and you mourned those in your unique way...now you are back and helping us and I for one appreciate you very much.  God be with you always..you are never alone really...Amy

[Super_sally888]

You guys are all so inspirational!

Thank you so much for being here.  You and everyone here change people's lives and enable them to continue living and fighting.

Thank you Quix, for your big effort in getting this list to where it is now.  Of course not just you, but Heather, Zilla, Granny, Rena, Dony, Jazzy, and so many others.  This list is truely inspirational.

You are all so strong!

Sally

[CtResident]

The thought that keeps playing in my head, all yesterday, and now into today:

A rose bush thrives with some compost.

??

:-)

Suzanne

[Quixotic1]

Wow.  This wasn't what I had in mind when I posted!  But, thanks to all who responded.  And to everyone that took this as an expression of the strength in ALL of us who seek support, asylum, validation and comfort here - RightOn!!!

I am having a difficult time (no more comments, please! I'm embarrassed enough, lol) with the screen, but there is so much I want to say to different people.  I'll try to get on later.

Love you all!

Quix

[Snowflake99]

I'm new here, and I know you don't know me, so I hope it isn't inappropriate to post in response to what you wrote,  but I have read many of your posts and the responses to them, and I have to contradict you. You are a hero. You've been through so much, and you still get up everyday and you reach out and give so much to everybody you are in contact with. Just reading your advice to other people, the amazing wealth of knowledge that you share with wit, compassion and insight, despite all that you are going through; how obvious it is that you care and how dear you are to all of those on this forum lightens my day and has in many ways, made it easier to cope with my own stuff. You are a tower of strength, not only to yourself but to so many others. What you write is touching and inspiring, and you're not "not coping", just having one of those days that necessitates a different coping strategy to other days. To have retained such a sense of humour and such warmth and compassion for others after all you've been through shows incredible strength of character and an amazing will. You are an inspiration and don't ever forget that.

Snowflake

[cjacks]

          Thanks Quix !!!!  

Could someone PLEASE dial up Ben & Jerry's  ..    Lets have a party!!!

A profoundly humble and grateful member.        

Jo

[mrwiggles]

I truly believe that God has a special plan for every life. While you may have a few regrets about the life that you had planned, HE had a very special plan for your life. You are still a Physician, administering to each and everyone of us with words of encouragement, encouraging us not to give up, lifting our spirits when we are at our lowest. It just doesn't get any better than this. Each of us has felt that we were alone in this battle, but you bandage us up with your courage and instill in us the strength to continue on. I personally have found it to be very comforting to me just knowing that there is a Doctor in the house. My heart ached when I read your post, not many of us knew that you weren't just a Doctor with MS, but we are now able to see that you are so very much more. You really care! That's more than I can say about my own doctor! Thanks for letting us see a little glimpse of your struggles.
God bless & keep you,
mr wiggles

[tamhart9]

Ok so I wont give a long response. I certainly dont want to embarass you, but what I want to say is that the short time I have known you... YOU along with others have been my inspiration and what gave me the laughs, and support that I needed. I never even knew what MS was and now I know very much what it is... I thank God every day for this forum and friends... that this forum was given to me by my pcp and that I have become a part of this family. I also truly seen you Quix as the one who helped hold this forum together. I also believe that God has a plan for everyone and a purpose too and I think you have found yours...

I will always pray for everyone here and wish them well... I hope everyone's dreams comes true....

Let's hit this head on and never turn back.

[mokibear]

Dearest Lady:

This will be short but what I would like to say to you is thank you. Your post has reminded us all of the inner strength that we all have but from time to time forget is there. I know that it must have been difficult for you to write what you did and my heart goes out to you. I thank you for being candid with us and for just being you.

Hugs
Moki

[doni54]

bump................