Work Issues

I am not sure of what to do. I need some good advice!
    I love my job but there is a girl at work who seems to have it out for me and the reason is because I have MS. I have only been at my job for just over a year and I have made alot of goof friends, one of which I thought was this girl "Sam". Sam loves attention and she resents the fact that I have to have special accomidations as far as my job which in turn leads to additional UNWANTED attention. She has a disorders herself and thinks that everything that I go through is in some way me trying to compete with her. She has made the meanest comments that I have ever heard in the workplace. She actually said to me that I was acting that I was hurting so that I could get special treatment. I have not said anything back to here because that would not work with her. She is a really confrontational person and would try to take it to another level. I am almost afraid of her and I do not know why.
   I commented to her that if she applied for the extra help at work she could get it too. To this she responded that she couldn't get any of these things (i. e. printer, fax, etc.) due to the fact that she was not "just hired because she was handicapped like I was". Am I wrong for this to upset me so or is this a normal thing that I will have to get used to? Is this discrimination?

[shelljell]

aren't people just "precious" when it comes to this?? I wouldn't trust her with anything anymore as she is showing a not "trustworthy type of friend" I would go to your manager and talk with them as they would know I don't think what she is doing is allowed though I am a supervisor and I have to watch every word I say and if I say something wrong my manager will let me know..for example I called a driver "grumpybear" and he went and put a complaint about me in to our head office ( after 3 months of me calling him that ) my manager let me know..are you sure she has a disorder or just saying it for attention as she thinks what we get are "perks"?? people are so strange it makes my head shake....hoping things start to perk up for you and she finally starts to leave you alone...no fun going into work with people like that....

[wishforchange]

Rarely am I stumped for a response and if so do not respond, but I want you to know that I have in my working life on more than one ocassion experienced not what you are, but discrimination because of my health issues.  

I was hired for one job on some disability scheme to fit in with government equal opportunity targets.  The job was a highly competitive and much sought after position.  I had to meet the criteria and get throught the interviews the same as any employee.  The only difference was how I was classified on the personnel records, and that everyone in the office knew my status.  I was subjected to constant, unrelenting snide comments about how I got there, and how qualified everyone else was and how hard they had worked.  I was given no credit for any good results but held accountable for the mistakes of others.  I uncharacteristically kept quiet, kept my head down, worked hard, was punctual and helpful, socialized with the staff, spent my evenings weeping and my weekends, but stood through it all as I wanted to get past this and on a permanent contract.  Come the end of the contract I was waved out without a second glance as the next disabled person was brought in, for all to despise.  I have had worse experiences since.  Sad but true.

Regarding you colleague: Disabilty does not bring out the best in people, because of the challenges we face and she is maybe taking out all her frustrations on you because you are perhaps in her eyes an easy target.  This is a form of bullying.  Are you with any union?  Do you have any structures in the workplace such as a sympathetic line manager or mentor or such?  I suppose it depends on the size and type of company.

Alternatively, you could seek advice from disability support groups, who may be able to represent you in the workplace, or even act as negotiators with your colleague.

I would hate you to be spending your free time, along with your work days, as I was, never free from the upset.  This is your life and you are an adult who should not be subject to playground bullying tactics.

Well I've said a lot for someone who is not able to.  Disability is not a contest, it is a private and unwelcome intrusion for all of us, and no-one can judge the needs of another person.  You have done well not to rise to her, she is in her own hell.  But you are not responsible for her suffering, and should not be paying for it.  She needs to be spoken to, but not by you at this stage, involve a third party first.  I hope things improve.

[Quixotic1]

Oh, my.  This is a person with a very severe personality disorder.  I would hesitate to name which one, but I certainly have an idea.  It is one with which you cannot reason and with whom you cannot "make things better."  These people wreak havoc on those around them and can truly make life hard on their targets.  

It is hard, if you are used to pretty much getting along with everyone, to suddenly dome upon someone like this.  As much as possible you need to distance yourself from her.

Before you came, I suspect there was someone else in the office who was "her own speciall enemy."  They are either gone (her goal) or relieved that she has set her sights on you.

I hope some other will also chime in here, because I am not sure that my advice in these matters is always the best.

How large is your workplace?  My concern is why is this person still working there?  Is she a pet of a higher up?  Is she identified as "disabled?"  If she is someone's favorite you have to tread softly, but this is why companies have HR departements and managers.

The first thing I would do is cut off contact with her to the extent possible that you can and still be productive.  Begin documenting the exact things she says to you in a dairy ----ummm, diary.  Use a permanent bound little notebook (not loose leaf pages) and date and write down the outrageous things she says and does.  Do not leave any blank lines between the entries.  When you have several, go to your manager or HR with it and tell them that she is making your life miserable, have the diary to give them examples.  If the manager or HR is worth a tinker's d*mn they will warn her and separate her.

If she is not  in a position over you then, No, this is not discrimination.  If she is in a managerail pasition, then it may be.  But it is creating a hostile work environment for you.  No minority is expected to work where the environment is emotionally or physically hostile.   You are protected from this by the ADA.  The company, if it has more than 15 employees, is obligated to take actions if someone is being harrassed by another employee.

Personally, (an I am not actually recommending this, because I don't know your workplace and I was not in HR) I would have a tape recorder on me at all time and record some of the things she says.  I hope others do speak up here.  Just turn it on when she approaches you.  Be civil, keep to the topic, and leave.  If she demands to know why you are recording her, jsut say, "Because I don't understand some of the things you say to me."  And leave it at that.

  Also realize that a person like this will make outrageous lies about you if she feels challenged.  She might also attempt to do damage to your property and work product.  that is why I feel it would probably be best to alert your manager to the growing problem.

I think others should share thoughts also.  I tend to approach this kind of thing in this way.  But, what ever you do, document her outrageous words (and any witness or perwons who overheard it) in the diary.  You may never need it, but you can't reproduce it later if you haven't done it.  And try to immediately reject what she says in your own mind as her problem, not yours.  Do not "own" her statements.  Do not consider that they might be true.  And do not try to reason with her.   Do not engage her in ways to help her with whatever she sees as the problem that day.   It will just give her more opportunities to say outrageous things.

One thing that I have occasionally done, is to look puzzled, pause and then say, "I can't believe you said that outloud."  Then turn away.  Yes, it does hurt when you thought that you were initially friends, but this is how this personality type behaves - befriending someone and then turning on them viciously.

The floor is open.

Quix

[Deb61]

Quix has some great advice about cutting off any relation that you have with her.  If she speaks to you again, reply in yes or no answers.  I'd record, now, what she said to you and write down any names of people that overheard her.  If she says anything else to you, I'd get a witness to stand by you and have her repeat what she said.  

Keep a diary, as suggested, and talk with someone in HR before she does good on her threat to "take it to another level".  A person like this, may try to harm your reputation and intentionally try to get you fired.  

Best wishes,
Deb

[jensequitur]

Yeah, this girl Sam has a mental illness.  I would request that your work area be moved away from her, or perhaps have your shift changed.  Don't try to engage her, or help her - she doesn't want to be helped, she just wants something to complain about.

[nncdalton]

thank you for all of your comments. i took the advice of talking to her and i think things will be different, if not i will have to go to management.