Aa
marrying someone with ms
I have dated a guy for over 2 years. He told me a week ago that he had ms for over 3 years, saying that he didn’t tell me before as he thought he would lose me. I don’t know what to do. I'm scared that if I stay with him and he falls very sick and ends up with lots of disabilities and is in a wheel chair I won’t be capable of looking after him? Do right by him?. At the moment he is 30 and works full time as a sales manager.He seems healthy This might make me sound bad but I have an aunt who has a husband in a wheel chair, and the strain is making her bitter towards her husband. She has no time to her self. Is that the same MS?. He also told me that he had optic neuritis which reduces the ms attacks. Is this true? Please help me, I’m scared I don’t know what to expect. I didn’t even know what ms was till last week.
Hi Jan, its good to see you back here. I was wondering how you are doing with all of this. You've been put in a very difficult position.
you know where to find us if we can be of more help.
my best,
Lulu
you know where to find us if we can be of more help.
my best,
Lulu
What's mild today can be acute tomorrow. There's no predicting what this disease will do.
I'm sorry you've gotten to this point, but it does seem your guy has not been leveling with you. Perhaps it's because he doesn't want to lose you, but still, he's been dishonest in a fundamental way, which is a character issue.
Please take some time and think this thing through. MS can be bad or not so bad, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.
ess
I'm sorry you've gotten to this point, but it does seem your guy has not been leveling with you. Perhaps it's because he doesn't want to lose you, but still, he's been dishonest in a fundamental way, which is a character issue.
Please take some time and think this thing through. MS can be bad or not so bad, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.
ess
Thanks for your kind words, sorry i've not responded just been lost. The reason he told me was because we were having a big argument and it all came out, not even his freinds knew.I have speaken to him and he says he as mild MS and that the neurologist said that he will be bale to function normally. But I'm learning that MS is unpredictable.He said he has not had a relapse for three years. Is there such a thing as mild MS?I'm still so hurt how he could hide this side of his life from me I would never lie to him.
As one who counsels quite a few couples, I would agree that you've received some excellent advice from folks here, but I will highlight Lulu's and Alex's in particular as reflective of the advice I would give to you.
One thing I did not hear you say. You are obviously thinking about marriage; is he? What made him disclose this condition to you now? Was it because he wants to finally commit, or was it because something happened that made it necessary for him to explain the whole story?
One thing I did not hear you say. You are obviously thinking about marriage; is he? What made him disclose this condition to you now? Was it because he wants to finally commit, or was it because something happened that made it necessary for him to explain the whole story?
It is shock any time you first find out about MS. First off you need to process that. Second guy's are much more private. My husband still does not like anyone to know I have MS.
Honesty and communication are key to all good relationships but it takes work. I did not know I had MS when I met my husband but I had another big disability. I told him soon after we started dating. He did not say another word through the meal. I figured he won't call again. We have been together 13 years. We went to counseling before we got married and that helped. We have a total commitment to each other. We do not believe in divorce for ourselves. I considered how unfair my MS would be on my husband and considered ending my life. He was horrified I would think his life would be better with out me in it. He wants me in whatever shape I am in and what ever financial hardships come with it.
I go with my gut when alarm bells have gone off in my head I knew a relationship was not right for me. I honor my instincts. There are no alarm bells with my husband. You should not marry him out of pity or if you doubt your ability to stick with him through this disease.
On the other hand you could marry a perfectly healthy person and a car accident could paralyze him or he could get cancer. None of us knows the future. My husband went through a lay off which was hard to our income is half of what it was thirteen years ago.
Everyone with MS does not end up in a wheelchair. Every case is completely different depending on where the damage takes place.
Only you can decide how you really feel about this guy. When I met my husband I had no intention of ever getting married. I was very content with my life. Everyone who meets us says we are perfect for each other. If he is not the guy who you can grow old with, with or with out MS don't settle.
Alex
Honesty and communication are key to all good relationships but it takes work. I did not know I had MS when I met my husband but I had another big disability. I told him soon after we started dating. He did not say another word through the meal. I figured he won't call again. We have been together 13 years. We went to counseling before we got married and that helped. We have a total commitment to each other. We do not believe in divorce for ourselves. I considered how unfair my MS would be on my husband and considered ending my life. He was horrified I would think his life would be better with out me in it. He wants me in whatever shape I am in and what ever financial hardships come with it.
I go with my gut when alarm bells have gone off in my head I knew a relationship was not right for me. I honor my instincts. There are no alarm bells with my husband. You should not marry him out of pity or if you doubt your ability to stick with him through this disease.
On the other hand you could marry a perfectly healthy person and a car accident could paralyze him or he could get cancer. None of us knows the future. My husband went through a lay off which was hard to our income is half of what it was thirteen years ago.
Everyone with MS does not end up in a wheelchair. Every case is completely different depending on where the damage takes place.
Only you can decide how you really feel about this guy. When I met my husband I had no intention of ever getting married. I was very content with my life. Everyone who meets us says we are perfect for each other. If he is not the guy who you can grow old with, with or with out MS don't settle.
Alex
Hi Jan
well there is no easy answer but I do think that if you are having any doubts then it is better for both of you to respectfully end the relationship sooner rather than later.
My wife of 32 years told me that she thought that she could not handle my M.S. any longer so we divorced 3 years ago, I can honestly tell you that although I was not bitter I was very disappointed (my exwife and I still talk by the way)
I have since met someone else who I told of my complaint from day 1 and she has been truely wonderful to me and this year will be our 3rd year together.
Good Luck
well there is no easy answer but I do think that if you are having any doubts then it is better for both of you to respectfully end the relationship sooner rather than later.
My wife of 32 years told me that she thought that she could not handle my M.S. any longer so we divorced 3 years ago, I can honestly tell you that although I was not bitter I was very disappointed (my exwife and I still talk by the way)
I have since met someone else who I told of my complaint from day 1 and she has been truely wonderful to me and this year will be our 3rd year together.
Good Luck
I am currently enganged to a wonderful man -- I told him 3 weeks into our relationship, and we have been together for 3 years. I don't know what your guy's reasons were for not telling you.... but I do not think that was entirely fair to you. MS is not who we are, but it sure effects what we can do. There are times my guy has to do a good deal for me - there are times he has to watch me suffer. Perhaps you would have made the decision to stay, had he told you early on, but it was YOUR decision to make. I was scared to death when I had to break the news (I was just 'possible MS' at the time), so I can understand how he may have felt. But I do not understand keeping it from you for 2 years. To me, the issue may now be more about trust than the MS. If you do stay with him, there definitely needs to be new disclosure guidelines for the two of you. Relationships are hard enough, if you two aren't honest with one another it will be harder than is has to be. Start by telling him you are upset (if you are) and why you are upset. ALL of it. You can't move on and make the real decision until that gets out in the open. Once the initial hurt and anger from not being told passes, you will be able to make the decision based solely on whether or not you love and trust him enough to make that commitment. Give yourself time, though, don't make a hasty decision out of fear or anger. He could be a wonderful guy who could not deal with losing you, or having you think he was weak or sickly - or he could be a secretive selfish jerk - or maybe he's somewhere in between. And in the end, only you know whether or not you can find it in you to be with him under the circumstances - and if you can't there is no shame in that. It's your life - make sure you do what's right for YOU.
I wander how he was able to keep it from you?. I have not officially been diagnosed, but the symptoms sort of come and go, and when they are there It would be hard for me to pretend to be normal and ignore them when I wasn't feeling well. You never noticed anything? Some people the first symptom is Optic Neuritis, and then it takes a long time for other ones to show (if they do at all) maybe that is what he meant? I told my guy within the first couple months that I had some issues with my nerves, and most likely an autoimmune thing, but they haven't quite figured it out. but I am a pretty honest person and upfront about things.
Hey. Im kind of with your guy on this one! lol I was diagnosed while with my bf already so i didnt have to go through the should i tell him or not.
I did however ask him to move out ( we are still together and doing alot better now) because he didnt understand nor showed any support.
I consider my ms rather bad for a young girl. And it is quite noticeable. You say your man had it for 2 yrs? Maybe his is not bad at all for you never noticed and if he would of had bad relapses you would of def. noticed. Maybe he has his under control so far.
And yes noone can tell you how his disease or our own will be. Its pretty much in gods hands. You need to learn about it and really really think if this is what you want. Also people with MS dont end up in wheelchair for life like you are thinking they do. They might need a wheelchair or cane after a long time just to conserve energy better. But can walk on there own and such.
Hes 30 and working fulltime sounds very good to me. I'm 23 and cant work ( mine all started in april had to leave my job and have not yet been able to return) So as you see from that everyones MS is totally different.
About him not telling you tho. I wouldnt put much blame on him for that because i bet you can see why. I know if me and my bf dont make it my next bf will probaly not know until it is quite serious or if he sees me in a relapse and im kind of obligated to tell them. Um how i feel is id be scared to tell any futre bf in my life. Your bf could feel the same. I feel like no one will want to be with me if they know i'm " broken" or will not want to be bother to get to know me. I kind of feel llike i dont deserve anyone because i dont want to be a burden. I'm working on these feelings but yeah thats how i feel so far about it all.
I know he lied and kept a secret but if he told you a yr ago would you of looked at him totaly differently? Would you of seem him as weak? ( hate that one) ( and guys never want there girl to see them as weak) Would you of ended it right there? Maybe he wanted you to see him for him first then tell you when he knew you both were solid and he could trust you with that information. He was proably soo scared telling you even if it didnt seem like it.
The balls in your hands now though and just really think about it with your heart and do what you think is right for the both of you. Dont stay just cause you dont want to hurt him cause it will hurt him more in the long run. And dont think your a bad a person if you dont want to be with someone who could be disabled not alot of people can do/live with that and its totaly understandable. Maybe you and him could go visit his neuro together and you can ask all those questions you want to know and learn what way his disease is leaning towards
I did however ask him to move out ( we are still together and doing alot better now) because he didnt understand nor showed any support.
I consider my ms rather bad for a young girl. And it is quite noticeable. You say your man had it for 2 yrs? Maybe his is not bad at all for you never noticed and if he would of had bad relapses you would of def. noticed. Maybe he has his under control so far.
And yes noone can tell you how his disease or our own will be. Its pretty much in gods hands. You need to learn about it and really really think if this is what you want. Also people with MS dont end up in wheelchair for life like you are thinking they do. They might need a wheelchair or cane after a long time just to conserve energy better. But can walk on there own and such.
Hes 30 and working fulltime sounds very good to me. I'm 23 and cant work ( mine all started in april had to leave my job and have not yet been able to return) So as you see from that everyones MS is totally different.
About him not telling you tho. I wouldnt put much blame on him for that because i bet you can see why. I know if me and my bf dont make it my next bf will probaly not know until it is quite serious or if he sees me in a relapse and im kind of obligated to tell them. Um how i feel is id be scared to tell any futre bf in my life. Your bf could feel the same. I feel like no one will want to be with me if they know i'm " broken" or will not want to be bother to get to know me. I kind of feel llike i dont deserve anyone because i dont want to be a burden. I'm working on these feelings but yeah thats how i feel so far about it all.
I know he lied and kept a secret but if he told you a yr ago would you of looked at him totaly differently? Would you of seem him as weak? ( hate that one) ( and guys never want there girl to see them as weak) Would you of ended it right there? Maybe he wanted you to see him for him first then tell you when he knew you both were solid and he could trust you with that information. He was proably soo scared telling you even if it didnt seem like it.
The balls in your hands now though and just really think about it with your heart and do what you think is right for the both of you. Dont stay just cause you dont want to hurt him cause it will hurt him more in the long run. And dont think your a bad a person if you dont want to be with someone who could be disabled not alot of people can do/live with that and its totaly understandable. Maybe you and him could go visit his neuro together and you can ask all those questions you want to know and learn what way his disease is leaning towards
I'm thinking about your question once again. I have to wonder what the personality and standards are of this man? Not telling you within 6 months or even a year of seeing each other that he has MS could be an indicator of a larger question of control, truthfulness or his insecurities.
Even though he is the one who has MS, this decision to withhold the truth over two years may be an indication that he puts his own needs first above everyone else's needs, including yours.
Please have this serious talk with him before you decide what the future holds for you.
be well,
L
Even though he is the one who has MS, this decision to withhold the truth over two years may be an indication that he puts his own needs first above everyone else's needs, including yours.
Please have this serious talk with him before you decide what the future holds for you.
be well,
L
Dear Jan,
What a tough spot you are in. When we are young and fall in love and make a commitment to each other, it seems that time will stand still and we will remain the way we are forever.
As we age together, and our weaknesses and frailities emerge, our relationships can survive if we have built a solid foundation. They can also become fractured and impossible if that foundation isn't there.
Living with someone with a life altering disease is a difficult task and not for everyone. That is especially true if there isn't the foundation.
That said, I hope you will take lots of time to learn more about MS. This is not the same disease that people experienced 20+ years ago. Treatments and therapies have advanced and the life span of most MS patients is equal to a person whose health is not compromised.
Where you guy's ms will end up is impossible to predict. None of us know how our MS path is going to end. That is a really difficult part of this disease.
Are you sure you understood what he said about optic neuritis? Having ON does not reduce the MS attacks, it is merely another symptom of the disease. ON occurs in a large majority of MS patients, however I have to say I have never had an attack of ON.
It is perfectly ok for you to be scared and I am glad you are willing to admit that.
We have this question come up regularly here - "when should I tell people I am seeing that I have MS?" The answer almost unanimously is there is no need to tell immediately, but if the relationship is going to advance to the next level, then the truth of this disease must be put out there to discuss. I'm sorry that your guy did not tell you sooner about his MS and allow your relationship to grow under the knowledge of full disclosure.
Please spend some time learnng more and thinking this through - this not only affects his life, but yours too.
We're here if you have more questions you would like to discuss.
my best,
Lulu
What a tough spot you are in. When we are young and fall in love and make a commitment to each other, it seems that time will stand still and we will remain the way we are forever.
As we age together, and our weaknesses and frailities emerge, our relationships can survive if we have built a solid foundation. They can also become fractured and impossible if that foundation isn't there.
Living with someone with a life altering disease is a difficult task and not for everyone. That is especially true if there isn't the foundation.
That said, I hope you will take lots of time to learn more about MS. This is not the same disease that people experienced 20+ years ago. Treatments and therapies have advanced and the life span of most MS patients is equal to a person whose health is not compromised.
Where you guy's ms will end up is impossible to predict. None of us know how our MS path is going to end. That is a really difficult part of this disease.
Are you sure you understood what he said about optic neuritis? Having ON does not reduce the MS attacks, it is merely another symptom of the disease. ON occurs in a large majority of MS patients, however I have to say I have never had an attack of ON.
It is perfectly ok for you to be scared and I am glad you are willing to admit that.
We have this question come up regularly here - "when should I tell people I am seeing that I have MS?" The answer almost unanimously is there is no need to tell immediately, but if the relationship is going to advance to the next level, then the truth of this disease must be put out there to discuss. I'm sorry that your guy did not tell you sooner about his MS and allow your relationship to grow under the knowledge of full disclosure.
Please spend some time learnng more and thinking this through - this not only affects his life, but yours too.
We're here if you have more questions you would like to discuss.
my best,
Lulu
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