Hi all! I am back...joined a yr ago...advice please :)
I had previously joined back in August 2011. I started methadone in Aug '11 and ended in March '11. I was clean for 4 months...that is until I started to hang out with the same group of friends and figured a perc here and there wouldn't hurt and then it continued until I was doing Opana's and ALOT of them...which are worse than what I originally started the methadone for (oxy's). So anyways I was caught out when I sent a text to my mom accidentally asking about "yellows" the text was meant for my friend who dealt of course. It was actually a blessing in disguise. I had started here when I was tapering off my methadone 5mg every 3 days. Which was ABSOLUTE HELL but I did make it through. I am a very stubborn person and mistakenly thought that going to the clinic for the 6 months time frame and not going to any meetings would be the answer to quitting and I would be able to carry on and rebuild my life. I CAN NOT TELL YOU HOW WRONG I WAS!!! I didn't listen to advisers at the clinic who said I should stay on methadone for at least 6 more months, and that I should start to go to meetings. I knew it all and no one could tell me otherwise. Well I have now been back on methadone for 11 months and August 23rd will be my 1 yr back on methadone. I can not tell you how happy I am to be free of painkillers, even though I know Methadone is an opiod replacement. I am now starting to really get cravings of wanting to do an Opana or a perc but knowing that it will do nothing for me is definitely helping me work though the cravings. I go to meetings and love the other patients at the clinic who attend the meetings there too. I have been on probation at the clinic and that is ending this month on the 23rd. I had started to do coke and was failing ALOT of urines...I again was surrounding myself with the wrong people. The clinic was really patient with me..I was so afraid I would be kicked out. When something happened in my life I would immediately turn to coke (so i just carried my addiction to a different drug). The ended up putting me a taper until i had four clean urines..which again was 5 mg every 3 days. That was definitely a wake up call and what made me think about what I was doing by putting myself in jeopardy of losing the only thing that was actually helping me! . It feels so great to go in every week and know I have clean urines. It took awhile for me to get it though my head that ANYONE who does drugs even if it is once in awhile can not be in my life. I have a full time job again and completed my CNA program and am currently looking for a second job doing that :) Trying to get my bankruptcy going (not that I am proud of it) but it is the only option to get my finances back on tack...and I have a great relationship with my parents (whom I live with and moved back home once I admitted I needed help and could no longer live the life I had created for myself). They are 100% drug free and I was given a list of rules to follow and if I slipped up I would be out. They did stand by my side when I relapsed last August (which was my number one fear) when they found out I was using again. They said to me "We can not fight this battle for you as much as I would love to take the addiction away and you have demons inside of you that only you can fight, you live with choices everyday that we will never have to deal with and your the only one who can stand up and fight them"....basically if I continued to use they would no longer allow me to live with them or even speak to me. If i decided to again get clean and actively stay clean they would be supportive of me and live with them still. I was SO ashamed and felt like such a loser. I remembered what it was like when I first quit and had to wait to get into the methadone clinic the first time and how i swore to myself I would never be in this position again. I lost the familiarity of that feeling and let myself fall back into addiction and using. Sorry to babble on but I felt that it would be good to get back on here and share my story with someone who is maybe just starting the road to recovery or who have been on methadone for some time now. I do get looked down upon by some people in NA because they feel "I am not clean"...but I will tell you that one person said to me" whatever clean means to you then that is what matter...clean can mean so many things to some many people...your not using and that makes you clean" :) I have come A LONG way from that day I realized my life had turned into something i no longer had any control over and I either stand up and do something or I would continue down the path I had put myself on and eventually loose the battle and all the important people in my life. So hope you all have a great day...thanks for listening and I hope to talk to you all and be a supportive person in your life! I also just want to give a HUGE THANK YOU to the people on here that helped me make it through the detox period of methadone last year in March. You all helped me so much and I never did relay that to any of you....just know whatever support you offer on here could be the one thing that changes their life.
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