I am not sure where to post this, so I am posting it in here. Also, please don't judge me on what I'm about to say about my life. I already know that I'm messed up... Oh yeah, my brain is a bit foggy right now, so I might not get all of the facts out. Anyways, let me get started:
I have always been a "different" individual throughout my 18 years on this planet. At the age of 3, I was diagnosed with a language disorder, and also had a tongue-tie detected and corrected. In grade 1/2, I was in a "special" (not retarded special) class for people with learning disabilities. I had a relatively mild case of this language disorder, so I was pretty much surrounded by people with a lot of problems and disabilities. This pissed me off SOMETIMES in the school yard, and I took out my rage by beating them up. I had a "sticker chart", in which I'd get a sticker for everytime I didn't beat somebody up in the school yard at recess. This didn't work very well.
This only got worst in my later elementary school years. I was one of the ring-leaders in a group of bullies at my school, and I thought I was bringing justice by beating up others who I thought were worthless and deserved to be beaten up, because they couldn't fight back, and were just plain "weird". I did some pretty nasty stuff, too. I was kinda addicted to excitement, I was always looking for a thrill. I was a petty thug.
The worst had yet to come, though. I moved out to the country after grade 5 (BOOOOORING!!!!!). I started feeling depressed after about 2 years (I was still a kid, and kids don't really feel all that depressed, do they?), and it lasted until a few months before I started smoking marijuana, I believe. Anyways, it got to the point where I'd commit the most ruthless crimes just to get some adrenaline going, and to eliminate the boredom that had been plagueing me for many years (I used video games to ease my boredom, and these worked to an extent, but in the end, I didn't see myself playing video games my whole life). This is when I discovered two PC programs: Ventrilo, and Skype.
I listened to somebody on "Ventrilo" making some calls to police stations, and basically ******* them over like they deserved to (I have hated the police since I was 10). I downloaded Skype, and started making my own calls. These started off the same way, with me calling police stations, and sending them to random people's houses just for laughs (at the time, it was pretty ******* hilarious, too!). This only got worst, though. I started messing around with the FDNY and NYPD (pretty hardcore, too). I must've sent the FDNY to the TGI Fridays in Times Square around 100 times.
My prank-call career ended with a bomb-threat to my best friends school (who I'm no longer in touch with). He ratted me out, and I went to court for a year, and ended up with 2 years of probation. I still committed criminal acts though. It was extremely easy for me to hide myself, to protect my "real" identity. It was just TOO easy. My probation was about to be cut in half, because of my "good behaviour", before I got caught stealing, and it stayed at 2 years.
I have always "disliked" (not hated) people who were different, unless something was seriously wrong with them. Then, I would take out my hate on them, and tease/bully them. This wasn't at all to make myself feel better, I already felt pretty good about myself. I am ready to admit that some of this information may be stretched JUST A BIT, or may be a bit wrong. But, like I said, my brain is a bit foggy right now, so all of the facts aren't going to get out/be 100% correct.
Anyways, thank you for taking the time to read this, and hopefully somebody can point me in the right direction of what I'm facing...
There are so many things I'm forgetting. In grade 6, I told my 8 year-old brother to bring a watergun to school and start spraying people with it. In grade 2, I once asked a girl to pull down her pants in the middle of a hallway... I have had absolutely no remorse for anything that I have ever done in my entire life, unless I effected the person in an EXTREME way. That's all I can think of for now. Actually, screw it. I think this is enough for everybody here to say whether they think I have this or not. I am going to see a doctor in a few weeks, hopefully.
Most of the stuff you did in grade school doesn't count against you as a disorder, like beating up other kids or the squirt gun thing and so forth. As you've become older, tho, the reason you have been doing the latest things is twofold: One, it's become a thrill habit, which you can break, and two, it comes from you as a child being stuck in that disabled class. See, you hated the kids around you in that class because you knew full well that you were not goofed up like them. Pretty simple, huh? The hard part is breaking the pattern, but it can be done.
If you will go to the county mental health clinic in your area, they have psychologists there, and in an informal way, you sit and talk with them, a half-hour a couple times a week or so, and they'll help direct you on how to stop being a nut-case. I can personally give you a few tips to control things, in the meantime while you wait for your appointment, because I have mental problems that I've had to "behave" my way out of.
Self-control is a learned thing. That's why kids are held harmless and put in juvie instead of jail, they haven't been told right from wrong. Thank goodness you DO know what is right from wrong, so that leaves it being a control thing. Two things to get ahold of your anger: Avoidance and interception.
In order to avoid the anger blowing up, that builds up inside you, you gotta exercise like a maniac. You know, running sprints, running miles, athletics and sports, boxing, swimming, playing basketball or any kinda ball, just anything that is rough and tough and breaks a sweat. You have to do this five days a week for the rest of your life. I have one relative who is in his 90s and he still bikes all over the place, and I have a cousin in his 60s who runs marathons. They are both, like me, just a hair trigger away from losing control over their anger, so this keeps them calm and relaxed. Exercise releases pent-up tension and makes you a civilized human being.
Another avoidance technique is relaxation. If you're sitting around and listening to music in the evening, stretched out in your room with no distractions, and feeling really good and relaxed, well, there's no way IN THAT STATE that you're going to jump up and sock somebody in the jaw. So, the more relaxing things you do, the less likely you'll reach the boiling point. Even tho you outgrew video games, there are adult things similar to that, relaxing things that are more acceptable and productive.
Me, I'm an anger personage, and I love to paint. And I can't even draw a straight line. I just like to sketch, push the colors around with a big brush on a canvas (I buy canvas board at the art store), or even use the Paint Program that comes with my Windows computer. I can spend hours creating a free-style picture, and I just get so dang proud of myself. In fact, people buy my stuff. And that's not even what I do best. There are lots of other "hobbies" you can do. People like to practice a lot of fun things, like learning how to play the guitar, sculpting clay (love the water and mushing the soft dirt), gardening is very relaxing, some folks like fishing, lots of towns have hiking clubs, the world of fun and games is enormous. And surgeons, for example, they like golf, and the reason is, they are Type A personalities and gotta have SOMEthing to release all the pent-up focus and hard work they do all day long, or they'll explode.
The other part of dealing with anger is interception. This is when despite your best efforts to keep yourself fully exercised and relaxed, something ticks you off, and wham, you're like Cesar Millan says from the Dog Whisperer, "He's a red zone dog." What he does for these dogs is the same thing you can do for yourself. He "snaps them out of it," by redirecting their attention. So, you have to do the same thing. I'm sure you've heard of counting from one to ten, to let off a little steam. Well, it actually works, particularly if you add in real deep breathing on each count. Another method is to simply WALK AWAY. If you feel the anger coming up, just remove yourself from the situation. If you think of this anger thing as a habit, some people wear a rubber band on their wrist and snap it every time they think they're going to do the wrong thing, like smoke a cigarette or whatever. The rubber band hurts, so it literally snaps you out of it, like Cesar's dogs.
Hope some of these endless tips help you. You're not a sociopath or psychotic. You're a little devil, you. Find something ELSE you like to do besides stir up trouble. Stir up a life of beauty, happiness, and joy instead. Feels a whole lot better than being upset and acting out like a fool. And with such a beautiful world at our feet, we'd have to be nuts to ignore all the wonderful possibilities it has to offer. You choose. Jail cell or the world. It's REALLY not that hard of a choice.
I agree with the majority of things that the person above said, but there are some things I would be worried about. I know what anger can do. It scares the **** out of me sometimes. When I truly get into a rage, I don't know what I'm doing and I say and do things I don't mean. I haven't ever hurt anyone, but I tend to do things in a passive manner for the most part. Some people wouldn't even know I'm an angry person. But that's for me and a therapist to talk about someday.
What I am concerned about is your inability to feel remorse. Usually that is a huge part of being considered a scociopath. I would sit down and try to think about if you do really feel bad at all for hurting people. The fact is that people feel guilt and bad about bad things they do. I hope you tell this to your doctor. I just don't see how someone could hurt someone else and not care. It is completely psychotic and unnatural to me. I am not calling you any of these things, I am being general in my statement. However, please talk to your doctor about this. Maybe you've cut yourself off from feeling. I genuinely hope things work out for you!
He did say, however, that altho he felt no remorse for most of his stuff, he DID feel it if he hurt someone in an extreme way. Anger usually comes from lack of self confidence, on account of all sorts of reasons, like abuse, a bad situation, being so sad you misunderstand others. But by doing positive things in life, a person realizes their true value. And by recognizing your own value, you see it in others.
Folks with anger issues have got to get those "good" endorphins going, and blast away all the bad stuff by positive thinking. Me, sometimes I'm just hanging on the side of a cliff with one hand, and I'll say to myself, "Well, either it'll get worse and start raining, or I'll get me a foot hold and get the hell out of this mess!" So, I say hang on, and think about the view when you get back to the top.
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