Have you loved a person in COMA, VEGETATIVE STATE, declared BRAIN DEAD?

I am trying to my husband's behavior after his head trauma injury until he died.  I thought coma meant he would appear to be asleep, eeyes closed kind of thing.  When I was with him, he would be with me, I thought, sometimes took longer than others to bring him around but he was aware I was there.  His eyes would   follow me around.  He'd shut his good eye appropriately when I'd clean the goop from his eyes.  I believed I could tell the difference between his eyes watering and from his tears.  A few hours before he was declared brain dead, I put my finger to his mouth, it was so dry and I was going to moisten it, and he started to suck on my finger.  I know this sounds strange, but it was very beautiful.  I forgot he was supposed to be in a coma.  We were going to move him out of the ICU the next day, and I was so excited. I told him I finally understood why he did not trust being in the ICU but that it was going to be okay, that it was important he rest because we had a very big day in front of us.  Four hours later I returned and I was met outside the ICU to hear, "he's brain dead so we are withdrawing life support."  I went with the resident to his bed and couldn't feel much as they pulled out the IVs and tubes and turned off the ventilator.  I wasn't alone with him after because they brought me the phone to call the mortuary, and papers to sign. I wasn't functioning well but he didn't seem dead to me.  I'm hoping if you have an experience with a loved one in a coma or vegetative state you'll post and tell how it was.  Thank you.

[head shaker]

I have witnessed both coma and vegetative state (they are different).  My mother died of a cerebral hemorrage at 68.  She was recusitated and kept alive for a couple of days until we decided to pull the plug.  She was in a deep coma, and the only movement was occasional reflexive movements of arms and legs, but this didn't seem intentional in any way.  My sister-in-law was in a vegetative state for a year, also on life supports.  She died too after the respirator stopped.  This was different in that she was not in a coma, and was not brain dead (my mother wasn't brain dead either, based on the EEG done).  Her eyes were open, she had reflexive responses to touch, voice, etc.  We often wondering what, if anything, she was understanding.  My mother-in-law (her mother) was sure she understood a lot.  What it came down to in the end was her quality of life.  It was pretty poor, and there was no chance of recovery.  Disconnecting life support is only done with consent of health care proxy or next of kin.  My in-laws needed a year to make that decision, and then they did.  She died a couple of days later.  I think the experience of the person closest to the loved one in this condition is very special (as well as heartbreaking).  Your belief about what is being communicated to you by the patient, if it's meaningful or not, is valid.  However, I think the family's task ultimately is to decide, realistically, what is best for the patient.  A very painful situation...hang in there, and keep talking.

[cornwall56]

My uncle is currently on life support and in a semi coma, which is not a coma because he has his eyes open and his reflexes are around sometimes. Once it's been four weeks, he will be considered in a persistent vegetative state. I've done my research. After a year, he would be considered in a permanent vegetative state. I love my uncle so much and I don't want to lose him this way, however, EEGs say he has very slow to minimum brain waves and drs consider him brain dead. Thoughts cross my mind that if he comes out of it, what does that mean for his quality of life? But I look at him closely, I watch his every move, closely. I feel like he's in there. I talk and his eyes widened just alittle. I had his hand gripping and then nurses come in and move him and I lose him. I told a nurse about his movements and they inserted the gagging tube or whatever it is to make him gag just to prove that it is a reflex, not a voluntarily response. I thought it was rude to do to him, spiking his blood pressure to 182/? and pulse rate to 129, with him wailing his arms and choking, practically sitting up. Ok, so it's a reflex...but he looked frustrated and suffering pain. I researched brainwaves and found music is a stimulant to increase brain waves. I gave him my MP3 player to listen to...yet it didn't really do much. he was without oxygen for 20 minutes. He died and came back. he had a heart attack, seizures, and COPD, with now pneumonia, a bladder infection, diabetes and everything dealing with lung issues except cancer. He's in bad shape, only 54. Drs suggest taking him off lifesupport and family is agreeing. My dad and I work with him but tomorrow is suppose to be the day they pull the plug. It's been only a week and this decision is being made. There was so much time I thought I had left with him and now I don't. I told him everything that I wanted him to know....that I love him, that I know he's suffering, that he was the only uncle that ever acknowledged me and gave me money and watched me grow up...yet....there's so much more I wanted him to experience with me...such as my 3 children. It's awful. He just lost his neice (my cousin) a month before this by drunk driving accident and she was pronounced dead at the scene. Our family can't take this impact. I think my uncle gave up because he said "It should have been me" because he was in and out of the ER every month this year. I dont know what else to do. i dont expect an answer. I pray, but others want to let him go. My dad's soulmate was my uncle. They lived together for 20 years. they bickered back adn forth like husband and wife and when it came down to it, they loved each other more than we will ever know. And now he's going to be "let go" as if he doesn't mean as much...but then I try to tell myself that it's his time...and yet...it's so confusing on how to feel. I wanted him transferred to a better hospital for a second opinion and drs say we have to pay for ambulance. there's no life insurance. nobody's talking about after he goes and the cost of funeral etc. My dad will be out of a home because of this ebcause he doesnt work..I will have to take him in because I wont let him go anywhere else because I love him too much. I just don't have an answer to anything anymore and I feel stuck in reality in a very harsh way. I feel everyone's pain. I know what you're going through. No matter the mistakes loved ones make...it doesn't matter in the end. you love them and that's what counts. They loved you adn that's what counts. While family sit in waiting room laughing, joking, crying...trying not to see my uncle this way...I'm right there trying to be with him, trying to revive him....stimulate him, tell him I lve him etc....and there's no easy way to "let go". Grieving is awful and my dad will lose his soulmate. of course, again...I think of my uncle and his quality of life. But I wish I can give him another week at least...and it's not in my hands. I'm sorry....this is just so emotional to go through and I wish everyone the best in luck. Perhaps someone out there will recieve the miracle we all pray for. Just one and I will be happy.