What am I supposed to do now?

[Ronisout]

   Hi there, my name is Ron;
   I was on Lexapro for almost 2.5 years. I had incurred a small bleed in my brain that eventually led to a stroke. I knew that there was something wrong with me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. It would take almost 6 months before I was scanned under an MRI and the stroke was discovered. Unfortunately, I had discovered it only after completely turned my entire life into chaos. Being on the inside looking out, you don't know what you don't know, and it wasn't until by daughter insisted that I keep going back to the doctors that it had been finally discovered.  After being overly examined, probed, scanned and run into the ground,  Dr.s could find no reason what so ever why I should have ever suffered a stroke, yet, I most certainly did.

   Recently, I discovered that there was a direct connection between bleeding in the brain and SSRI's. This was a life changing event for me. The bleed in my brain was discovered in mid 2008.  The bleed took place in the right frontal lobe of my brain. Now, after losing my marriage, my home, my businesses and then some, I have been reduced to little more than an insignificant statistic.  In all irony, taking Lexapro might have helped me sleep, but it always made me feel drugged, but it did little to change the mindset of depression for which I had been taking it in the first place. Sometimes, instead of taking pills, perhaps we should just make the choice let go and to move passed our personal issues.

   From experience, I can't stress enough the importance of seriously discussing the dangerous side effects of the drugs that doctors prescribe to you and their risks, because at best, medicine is called a practice and patients are what doctors practice on.  It is not a science written in stone.

  My question is, what am I supposed to do now?
                                                                                                        Best regards.   Ron

[Ronisout]

ThThank you so much for replying, Dr.
    To this day, outside of the obvious (I suffered a stroke) I still have no understanding of what happened to me regarding what was changed and what was lost, But I'll tell you this.. I often hear other humans telling me that they understand, because it is customary in human societies for individuals telling other individuals what they want to hear, instead of the unblemished truth. However, I hold no such commonalities with my kind, and so I see no practical use in telling people what they want to hear. I have not been able to establish a single real friendship since my stroke only for the fact that I always answer any questions asked of me as accurately and as truthfully as possible.    How can anyone or anything come to any resolve if everyone around them tells them what they want to hear instead of what they need to know?
   I suppose I could lie and tell people what they want to hear as to not hurt their feelings, or perhaps cause them embarrassment or discomfort, but I am always my word, and my word defines my character, so my responses must always remain true. Because at this point in my life, I am starving for what is real and true so that I can make sense of this life of mine and point myself in the right direction.  
  I had to completely relearn how to interact with my own species by myself and on my own.  I have not done a very good job of it.  It is those emotional connections to those experiences from your past that defines your self-identity today. Remove your emotional connections to your family, your siblings, spouse, children and friends, your race, your culture, your religion, your life lessons of experiences,  and once that they are lost, so is yourself identity.  What a human is in the end is a compilation of everything that they were influenced by, and through practice and experience, molded themselves into the individuals that they are today. Once their emotional connection to their past has been deleted, they are new people with adult minds, wisdom and knowledge.
I have had to relearn what it means to be a good and productive human by enacting a “cause no harm” philosophy upon my life. I made this choice because any religious, cultural, racial... etc...Information in my head had no intrinsic value, it was all just information.  I once lived in a temple was raised in many countries among many races, cultures and ideologies.  I can tell you all about them, but to me, most of it is a destructive great lie whose effect fragmented human society causing a contempt-full separation of our species.  I have seen how humans today, live with the same religious, cultural, racial, and social values that their ancestors implemented thousands of years ago, and they still believe themselves to be modern and civil, yet, they remain volatile and weak in character, still today, killing themselves and fragmenting humanity over the semantics of a God that no one can even prove exists. I used to love and saturate myself in western and eastern religions. But after my stroke, when I tried to re-approach these various faiths, the first thing I was drawn to, was the foundations that their houses had been built upon.  Instead of stone mortar and water their houses were built upon stone mortar and blood. There had been so much chaos, treachery, murder, torture, genocide and worse, how could any sane human ever perceive that any God could condone any of these acts? Perhaps you can overlook the countless millions brutally slaughtered so that the paths could be laid for these masters of control and exploitation, but I will not forget them. There is only one thing that is bigger than God, it is the human ego. How in the world am I even supposed to approach and integrate myself back into a world among people, whose entire lifetimes were built upon belief systems that are the root cause which separated, isolated and fragmented humanity, filling it with contempt, hate and prejudice for thousands of years now?  I have come to understand that as long as humans pursue throughout their entire lifetimes diligently “living a myth," they are going to be very difficult for me to approach.  At this point, you may perceive that I must now be an atheist, but to me, God is a house of infinite doors, unlimited in names, sons, faces, ideologies and philosophies. Humans believe that they were created in the image of God, but if Gods images are also infinitely unlimited, so humans being created in Gods own image bares no significant relevance, as God encompasses all. I have seen how humans spend their entire lifetimes begging, praying to and praising God, But God is not vain or insecure.  God is not comprised of human attributes.  Perhaps God is where the human mind stops, and our hopeful imaginations begin.  What humans cannot answer, they apply the “God” solution to fill is the blanks. It’s convenient, doesn’t need proof, and it’s easier for humans swallow rather than we’re just not smart enough to figure it out yet?  It used to be that God was the cause for disease, famine, plagues, earthquakes, meteor impacts, and every other natural disaster that humans, thousands of years ago, didn’t understand the underlying causes of.  Discovery and science have advanced much since those days.  Humans will come to discover that they are not exclusive in this universe and in the true scope of things, remain as an insignificant presence in the cosmos. Freed from their bloated egos, they would acknowledge this, for we are only as significant as any other thing that exists in the universe.  
    I was told four years ago that I had one year to live and for that first six months was self consumed with my own mortality until it became such a dreadful burden that I just wanted it to be over with. I came to the point that I started to look forward to my death instead of anticipating it.  Shortly after I did that, I came to understand that life was meant to be lived and not to be selfishly squandered for the preparation of death.  Our duty and obligation here, is to be the best humans possible.  Our duty and obligation as a human, is to learn and experience as much as possible during our short stay on this world.  I understand now that for all I know, I know nothing. No matter how large and vast any puzzle may be, it can never be complete without all of its pieces, and we are and forever will be, a piece of that puzzle, as it is the unavoidable law of the cosmos. In this alone, I find great comfort in knowing that one day, my atoms might be fueling the star that shines upon the face of God.
       So anyways Dr., When you opened your response with the words... "I understand the situation you must be going through"  I must in absolute truth remind you that you may have some general concepts and ideas that afford you some understanding and insight of my precarious stature, but in truth, that would be highly unlikely. I just don't know how to see and look at things and believe in those things that other humans so tenaciously do.  In finality, I just wanted to take your brain for a little ride because your response was very somber and kind and you deserve to know that you are appreciated.  Perhaps you could recommend me as a candidate for studies group on human behavior.  Being as am void of any complexes, hang-ups or inhibitions, I could make for a very unique subject of study.  

     Be kind to yourself, and you will find yourself being kind to others.....                    
                                                                                   Ron P

  

[S. Kaul, MD]

Hey Ron!

I understand the situation you must be going through and agree that cautious use of medications should be implemented in medical practice with special reference to serious side effects. I personally do not recommend over use of medications than required necessary. SSRIs are associated with an increased risk of bleeding and have been associated with haemorrhagic stroke. Well, in the current scenario, since the episode has occured sometime back, there is little that can be done to reverse the damage, except for relief of pressure symptoms, if any caused due to the haemorrhage, rehabilitation and prevention of such episodes in future. I would suggest considering a detailed evaluation by a neurologist for suggestion of an appropriate management plan.
Hope this is helpful.

Take care!