thought disorder

I have a very lengthy list of mental problems. I hope you will have the patience to read it.
1. I have been diagnosed with schizo affective disorder and am on medication (ziprasidone, clozapine and flouxetine)
2. I have difficulty in focusing my attention on external things and always seem to be preoccupied with my self
3. I experience physical pushes and pulls inside my brain and feel that something like a lump of energy is inside and is trying to break out. i am not able to control this
4. I have poverty of thought - I am not able to develop my thoughts and they are very brief. my speech is also very verbose though i am better at writing than talking. Also I am not able to voluntarily think on subjects which are not immediate challenges
5. I am always confused and muddled and swayed by anything I read
6. I have no self belief or motivation
7. most of the time my mind is blank except when challenged with day to day problems
8. I am able to function normally in day to day activities but cant think conceptually
9. I am educated - bachelors degree in computer science but i cant put that education to use in work. I had worked in some compaines but was not able to perform work properly. I could only the repetitive and mundane tasks
10. I am not able to communicate some of the thoughts I have and I think i am deluded
11. I didnt have any relapses into psychoses recently but there is a residue from past episodes which are there in my memory
12. whatever thinking i have is disorganized and vertical
13. I dont know if i am intelligent or retarded
14. I cant feel others feelings and dont have complex emotions like guilt
15.  I can appreciate music but cant sing or understand music
16. I am very inhibited socially
17. I sometimes think I am God even when I am not having a psychotic episode
18. I think that there may be a God but he is powerless to help
19. whenver i try to think it consumes a lot of energy and my brain becomes dull. as if there is a lot off friction and i can physical feel the thoughts inside my brain

There are many more problems i have but i am stopping for the moment. please advise me on what you think my condition is and what to do

[Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD]

Hello.

You do not have an active psychosis right now. I guess this is the period where the medicines are working well to prevent a relapse. The antipsychotics that you are taking are known to induce some cognitive slowing. The neurotransmitter imbalance is taken care of, but it interferes with normal thinking.

There are moments of the affective part of the disorder, for example, when you feel you are God. The medicines are stopping you from acting on the thought.

There is no doubt that you are intelligent. It is the current cognitive clouding that makes you wonder if you are retarded. Do not lose faith in your abilities. You have a good understanding of your condition. This is the best thing. Keep on constant efforts to lift yourself up. Give yourself small challenges and achieve short term targets. Reward yourself for meeting the targets. Undertake some intellectually stimulating activities.

I am sure you will successfully control the disorder.

Regards

[aj323846]

I am experiencing nearly the same exact symptoms you described above. In the past few years, I have been diagnosed with several anxiety disorders. I received my first diagnosis back in 2007 of social anxiety disorder and was later diagnosed with generalized and OCD obsessional type. Throughout this time I also received the diagnosis of major depressive disorder.

The most distressing of these, however, were the anxiety disorders. My anxiety used to manifest itself primarily as bodily symptoms - constant heart palpitations, feelings of impending doom. I would experience these things from the minute I woke up til I went to sleep. As a result of my social anxiety I became very reclusive - spending nearly all my time alone on the internet and avoiding all interaction. The OCD manifested itself with rumination over these things and also with obsession regarding my thinking. See, in my circle of friends and family, i have always been the smart one. When my anxiety set in, I worried that this was the beginning of schizophrenia. I was able to get over that fear but could not stop obsessing that my thinking, speech and writing are not as clear as they used to be; that something is wrong with my thinking. So, I thought about these things all the time. Day and night.

Recently, I accepted a highly demanding research position and the anxiety has spiraled out of control. For the past few months I have sensations of a fullness in my head which won't go away. I also have a constant pressure in my forehead. I can only do mundane tasks and find that my thinking is extremely rigid. Thing is, I know I am intelligent. I took an IQ test at a university and scored 121. I've just become absolutely obsessed with myself, my thinking. Basically, many of the things you list above.

Could you please tell me if you were able to get help for these things? I want to feel better and I want to succeed at my job and in my life and am feeling hopeless at this point.

Best of luck to you!

AJ

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