A memory that's bothering me.

[sophieharris93]

When I was 17, I was on the girls rugby team which I had joined because they needed numbers and I agreed to help (I wasn't much good). In my first match I was tackled and landed awkwardly. I was crying etc, holding my shoulder, they were worried I'd damaged the muscle but looking back I was more in shock than anything. Anyway, they gave me gas and air, and I remember that I really wanted (who I considered to be) my best friend there. I was asking for her, although in my head I remember thinking "don't call out for her as they'll think it's weird". This is a friend that HOCD has really latched on to from the point where I was about 16. Looking back, I can't help wondering "what if I wanted her there because I liked her" or "why did I want her there so badly" etc. Can somebody help me a little? My HOCD has really latched on to this memory :/

[melrom536]

yes, hocd is only a bad memory for me, i totally got over it but this was awful to me, this was a hell. cheking only increased y obssesion and i felt something when i foucused my eyes on a girl's body trying to see if i have a corporal reaction, i dont know how to explain. but i looked for information about being bisexual or homosexual, and my fear wasnt the social issues, 'cause the society wouldnt accept me, that was not my fear, i JUST DIDNT WANT TO BE HOMOSEXUAL and i wasnt and im not! so why that feelings?? ok...i looked for information and i have the conclusion that all human beings have an homosexual part and we repress it. anytime you need help just talk to me

[nursegirl6572]

I think JG has done an amazing job trying to explain to you how the OCD thought process works, and how you get "stuck".  You continuing to ask questions for reassurance is actually a compulsion, you are looking for reassurance, which makes you feel better for a short while, until you start overanalyzing the next thought...then you're right back to where you started (if not worse).  

She's told you many different things you can start doing to stop this thought process, but YOU have to put the work in.  I don't see any recognition from you that you've even tried any of the recommendations.  You have to start somewhere.  Continuing to give into the compulsions will only make you worse.  She's given you some ideas, now it's time for YOU to take the bull by the horns and working on yourself.

On a forum like this, there's only so much a person can say the same hings.  Continuing to do so only feeds your OCD thought processes.  You need to have a sit down with your therapist, and explain what is going on.  You may need more intensive therapy, and you need to start working on ways to help yourself...you have to at least try to work on stopping these thoughts.

Best to you dear!

[sophieharris93]

Can HOCD add feelings to memories? I can't remember if I felt something for her when she came :(

[sophieharris93]

Thank you. I'm so sorry to keep bothering you, it's just so hard, I'm so tired and exhausted,my brain is so constantly on overdrive. I just can't deal with it sometimes, and I have nobody to turn to. My therapist won't get back to me and all these memories keep flooding in, there's always something else and I'm so tired. I just want it to stop.
What's so frustrating is that even when you say that, and reassure me, I know it won't stop, I know I'll keep going over everything. I don't know what to do anymore.

[JGF25]

Remember this....if you say out loud 'I"m gay" are you going to then want to run out and find a woman to be in a relationship with?  I dont think so....which means you are not gay.  What happened in the past when you were hurt...has absolutely no meaning on what is going on today.  If I look back on my past and think Oh my friend and I used to scratch each others backs when we spent the night at each others house.....does that make me gay?  No...it was nothing and means nothing.

[sophieharris93]

So you think there's no reason to believe this means I liked her?

[JGF25]

I believe you have had several memories that you are keying in on.  I think I have told you the ways to help yourself already in other posts.  This is no different.  You are overanalyzing things from your past because you cannot get past this HOCD.  Well you can get past it actually, but you need to learn CBT to do so.   Hopefully I'm not confusing your post with somebody else's...everything is HOCD on here right now pretty much.