Access My OCD please, anyone

[misscrazy]

Hello to you all!

I'm new to this site and the forum.  Nice to meet you all.
Would you please be kind enough to let me know if this is OCD that I'm suffering with?

Well, actually I do have a mild OCD cause I check/touch stove, light, and the lock repeatedly before going to bed.

I've originally posted this on HIV Prevention forum and people there weren't being as responsive as I expected so hopefully you guys can help me since we all are going through touch time with OCD.

Here is my story.

I've recently tested for HIV at Planned Parenthood (Rapid blood test).  The whole experience was pretty traumatic to me since I had HIV phobia for years.  The result was negative fortunately and I broke down and cried of relief.

But as soon as I got done testing, this unbelievable fear of catching HIV while I was getting tested!  All I could think of is the lancet (finger ***** they used to draw blood) and wondering if the tech accidentally reused in on me after using on someone else... possibly HIV + person...

So, my new fear is I might have caught HIV at the testing site via used lancet.  I called Planned Parenthood and spoke with my tech and she said that the lancet is designed for single use only.  But I'm still fixated on this and can't seemed to move on!

Is my fear rational to you?  Would you worry about this like me?  What are the chance of catching HIV in this manner?

Is this OCD to you?  Please help me... you guys know how devastating OCD can be or whatever that I'm going thru.  I'm just very depressed and sad and need your opinions and support.  I really want to get rid of the fear of HIV.  The last thing I want is to get tested negative for HIV and catching HIV from the testing site!

Anyone?

Thanks millions!  Big hugs!

[soulfull78]

Hey there,

This does sound to me like an OCD pattern , very much , i myself am OCD diagnosed and have had the exact same fear a couple of months ago.
In your situation and the testing facilities the lancet IS designed to be able to be used only once. So on rational explanation - No you could not have contracted the disease this way and you are currently HIV negative.

Your fear of HIV though , when did it start? What triggered it and how often does it appear?
To be afraid of being infected is a very rational fear and it means that you value your life and yourself and wish to stay healthy, but fears can be somewhat freezing if they become obsessive and interfere with your life. Have you spoken to a specialist , or someone who might be able to find out where this fear springs from and perhaps diagnose you so you can get some medication to ease the anxiety and start dealing with the underlying causes of your fear?
I found that having a therapist and talking about it has helped me tremendously in discovering why i obsess about it and has given me ways to beat it.

I hope that i could be of some assistance to you and am here to chat
Write when you can
M

[misscrazy]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply soulfull78!!!  

I think all my fears - death, accidents, diseases, etc... started when I lost my mom a long time ago.  It happened when I was a teenager.  That experience was traumatic.  

I've had a mild OCD for a while though... a bit paranoid of getting cancer, aneurysm, burn to death, robbery, etc...  But my obsessive thoughts gotten really bad since l I got tested for HIV.

They are all "what if's" situations in my head popping up over & over.  Like a self-torture... you know what I mean.  Maybe I have a deep rooted issue that goes beyond HIV fear.  Who knows.

Although, thanks for assuring me that there was no risk for me to get infected at the clinic.  You really helped me out here... I needed to hear them so badly... from someone else... cause I really don't have anyone to talk to.

Thank you so much for your genuine advice for seeing specialist as well.  I might just do that if it gets any worse.  

You have a "great soul" and best wishes to you.  Let me know if you want to talk too.

More comments from anyone?  I'm here to help as well.

[soulfull78]

Hey you ,

I am glad i could be of help and now you have someone to talk to :-) !!!

I am no expert in these things but looking at my own OCD i have learned that usually such thoughts , like catching diseases or all the ones you have mentioned are usually on a subconscious level old ways of a part of you to punish you for something this part ( usually the one causing the OCD ) believes you should feel guilty about , and you do on a subconscious level so hence the OCD and the debilitating thoughts , which i am well familiar with.
Having to deal with the death of a parent is a difficult task and i congratulate you for having spoken of it to me - it takes courage :-)
I am here and i think in my profile there is an email address if you wish to keep in touch more privately, if not here is also good , so whatever bothers you , lets beat it together!

M

P.S . When it happened to me at the clinic for the first time  told myself next time when i go there to get tested i ll just tell the tech that i am OCD and i need to watch what he is doing. And guess what ...they understood and allowed me to watch every step of the process , and this is how i was able to see for myself that its all safe. After all these people are trained professionals and they will understand if you have troubles. I dont know thought of sharing this one with you , maybe you can try it next time so you can prevent a trigger situation.

hugs
M

[misscrazy]

Thank you sooo much for your encouragements!

Yes, I must feel some guilt or something buried very deep at subconscious level!  Yeah, let's beat it together.

BTW, r u still suffering from OCD & at what level?  It's surprising cause you seem like a  well put together person with a good intelligence.

[soulfull78]

Hi :-)

You are most welcome!

I am still suffering from OCD as we speak even, but with the help of techniques and a lot of therapy (2 years and ongoing) i have managed to put myself fairly well , as you put it, and strive to keep this level and go even further.

I have daily obsessive thoughts which use to be very strong and i use to need a lot of medication just to be able to sleep and function properly.
But recently they still appear and their strength has weakened a lot. I am able to trace myself back to the triggers and see what is the particular thought at a given time trying to tell me . In other words i have embraced the OCD full on and have adopted the thinking that it is there to help me rather than upset me and keep me back. It all sounds so wonderful but it has taken me and still does a lot of effort to live with it and fight it on daily basis.
In my case this is my way of connecting with parts of myself i have not given a voice to when it was needed and now, unfortunately through the OCD, these parts are speaking out and i am just deciphering the messages.
I would say that the level is much different than at the beginning. Now i am capable to hold a relationship , work , friendship and even share my experiences with others in the hope that it can shed some light and relief , cause i know how debilitating this OCD story is.
Thank you for the compliment ! I believe any person has intellect and it just needs the proper guidance to flourish . Just because we suffer from different diagnoses, which is not surprising given the societies we live in , does not mean that we are less intelligent than any other so called normal human being and i put you in that category too.
Any one who has the courage to talk about their problems also has the intellect ingrained in them to overcome them and seek higher ground.
There are times when i myself need guidance and reassurance, but isnt this exactly the beauty of sharing a world together, so we can be there for one another even if i have never met you in person.

So having said all this , tell me more about you and how was your OCD discovered if you want i ll add you to my friends and we can write in private.

hugs
Maria

[misscrazy]

You are such a nice, intelligent person and I respect you!
You are strong and we'll both beat this.  

Well, my OCD is a very mild case.  I suppose.  This HIV incident was just a big scare for me as of late and I'm doing better with it.  I try to believe the facts, logic, NOT the false believes created in my head.

BTW, I have daily OCD routine.  Only before I go to bed.
I have to do this routine or I CAN'T/WON'T sleep.

My OCD is with stove, locks, lights, and water faucet.  Not only I stare them for several minutes, I have to touch them as well.  Even though deep down I KNOW & SEE everything is locked, off, etc... I can't walk away from it... I stand & stare...stare...touch...stare again until I'm convinced that everything is OK.  This staring takes about at least couple of minutes with stove then I move on to all the lights in my house including table lamp, computers, etc.

I touch the lock about at least 3 to up to 15 times.  I even force it down really hard just to convince myself it is locked and safe.

Water faucet... same routine... stare then putting my hands underneath to make sure there isn't any water drops, although I see that there is no drop.

This can be exhausting especially when I'm tired but I still do this EVERY NIGHT.

See, my OCD is very mild...mixed with irrational fear of death time to time.

What do you think of my situation, Maria?  or anyone...

Thanks in advance Maria!

[soulfull78]

Hey :-)

I have similar rituals as they call them , but i do this when i am about to go out, i check all the plugs and make sure everything is switched off, because of fear of setting things on fire. I check the balcony door 3 - 4 times so that i make sure its locked , then i have two more doors on my way out which i also check .  I never leave the house unless the rubbish bin contents is with me , as i smoke and fear that some butt can cause fire.
So all this needless to say as you know takes a lot of time.
But i have learned that all these things we do are just ways for us to feel in control somehow, cause when you have obsessive thoughts you have no control over them so instead you do all these things so at least on some level you feel in control.
I think for someone with OCD your rituals are quite common and i dont find anything unusual in them.
What is interesting is your fear of death, which is linked to your fear of HIV .
have you asked yourself why do you fear dying, i mean is it the actual act of dying , or is it something more?
Like with me i am not afraid of dying itself but i am afraid of dying before having done something meaningful for myself in my life.
Also on some level remember that you have experienced death of a close person and this is a very traumatic experience for anyone, let alone someone with OCD.
If you can trace back your rituals and OCD symptoms see if there is a connection between the death of your mother and increase in symptoms after  that.
Its just a suggestion , a possibility for you to look at. Its very possible that there are things happening within you on a deep subconscious level which you are not aware of and hence they surface in the form of OCD .
I ll tell you that even through my early ears there have been signs of the OCD but they were never triggered and thats why i did not know i had it. When i look back now there has been many occasions in which i have displayed symptoms but they never interfered with my daily routine so i never paid attention to them.
Until one day something happened ( long story to tell) and i found myself crashing not knowing what is happening to me until i saw a professional.
I also found that going to therapy on regular basis has given an insight into my own self and the OCD itself , and how they interact, what mechanism are at work in my psyche and how i can hear what comes through the obsessive thoughts in a way that i can understand myself better. Sometime i need someone outside myself to just be my mirror so i can see that which i cannot otherwise. This is all a good therapist should be for you , someone to help you see clearly , but never do it for you , if you know what i mean, the hardest part of living with OCD for me is that i know only me and no one else outside me can do the work required. And in general i think most people dont like to take responsibility for themselves and hence dont get better.
I started off with medication as well and at the beginning it was quite a lot but i have cut it down to a minimum now and feel good.
Are you taking anything for the serotonin levels in your brain, and if you have anxiety are you treating that too? With the combination of intelligence, strong will , medication, therapy and people to share with , you can beat this sooner than you think. and improve your daily life.
All in all your situation to me is normal for someone with OCD and it can be even better if you are ready to go on a journey of self discovery.
It has helped me feel better about myself and i am here for you to listen and help as much as i can , when you decide to bite this OCD in its backside :-)

Hugs
Maria