When I was younger, I went skiing and this girl broke her leg. I would fantasize that it was me who broke my leg/I helped her. I wanted to be her friend, I'm pretty sure it was platonic, the thing is I can't remember what I felt. I'm scared and worried I felt more and didn't realize that I did at the time. It did take me longer to be into boys than my friends, and I had my first proper boyfriend at about 13. I did admire actresses often when I saw them in films etc. I would fantasize that I was in the film, part of the adventure, friends with them or related. I think I may be suffering from HOCD as no matter what I do now, it's always on my mind. I can't watch television without worrying, I can't sleep, I worry 24/7. I've never had sexual fantasies about women. I never had a best friend but always wanted one. I'm worried that Ii'm denying my sexuality to myself. I have been sexually attracted to men, and as far as I can remember I've never wanted a sexual relationship with a woman.
I can't watch TV without worrying if I'm sexually attracted to the woman. I can't go out without seeing someone pretty and worrying, I over analyse every situation I'm in. I can't enjoy sex with my boyfriend because I'm scared I'm not turned on or thoughts of women scream into my head. I can't see a picture of a woman in underwear without asking myself am I turned on? I don't know what to do and I'm absolutely going out of my mind. Every day I question myself, I can't concentrate on school work or anything.
That's exactly like me in the last bit.. I have never liked a girl, I have only thought that she was attractive and it's like I'm making myself believe it like girls when I ******* don't!. Sometimes I'm fine about it but then sometimes I'm not. But seriously it's all in the mind. When I feel good, it's when I don't think I'm a lesbian, but as soon as I start questioning myself again I get a sore stomach, I feel like really heavy and panicy, my heart pumps real hard, and it's not a nice feeling. I love those moments when I feel in control but then I lose it and I start feeling anxious again.
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