Am I experiencing HOCD?

[Rywol]

I think I have been experiencing it since I was a about 11. One day when I was about that age I started freaking out about the thought of being gay and ask my mom and dad If I was gay. Those thoughts went away for a few years and in that span I just had fantasies about women and being with a girl. I am 16 years old now and about a year and a half ago I started getting the thoughts back out of nowhere. I thought about being gay and I just didn't want to be it even though I have nothing against gay people. It's just not me and I would always masturbate to straight porn. Then one day it just went away and it didn't bother me again until a few months ago. At first it didn't really bother me too much because I just thought about how many times I've thought about women and would be aroused. But then after a while it just got out of control and the thoughts came full blown on over me again. I would watch gay porn and not get an erection but then watch straight porn and get one very quickly. Last week while on vacation I went into the bathroom to test myself again and switched from gay to straight porn back and forth and only got one from straight porn at first. Then I started to force myself to masturbate to gay porn and like I didn't get a full blown erection but I did get one even though I wasn't aroused like I was while watching straight porn. When I got the erection from the gay porn I got filled with anxiety and I just wanted to cry because I don't want to be gay at all. Even when I would watch straight porn as get an erection and then not from gay porn it wouldn't help and I would still have the thoughts in my head. I've taken tests online to see if I've had HOCD and everytime the test score would come back saying that it is very likely that I do have it. I just want to know if this is HOCD and if so what can I do for help. Sorry for this being so long.

[PatchedSoul]

I'm glad I could be of some help though it wasn't much, relating to you with a little of my story isn't gonna help you any but I also wanted you to know you weren't and still aren't alone with this problem, a number of us on this forum suffer from HOCD or wonder if they are suffering from HOCD and if they are on this site and questioning and wondering about this then they most likely do. I just wish I could be of more help but though I think I've suffered from bouts of OCD before, I'm not an expert on it and I'm relatively new to HOCD so I don't know much about this specific "type" of OCD. I'm only 16 and I haven't had this for too long but I've had it long enough to cause me damage. And i wish I did so I could give better advice. I'd like to get diagnosed and get professional help and treatment but right now my family cant afford it so again I advise you seek help from a counselor or psychologist  if you haven't already. OCD is just terrible and no one should suffer in silence. Have you talk to your parents at all? Made an appointment? I hope you break free from this terrible obsession as get better. Good luck to you :)

[Rywol]

Sorry that I am late in replying but thank you to the both of you for reaching out and helping me. As both of you probably know OCD is a terrible mental thing to go through. I am a 16 year old guy and while you might not think you've helped, you have big time.

[JGF25]

Hi there.  Read my post "Anatomy of a Horrific thought in Pure O" that I will repost to the top of the forum.  It will explain to you why the "testing" you are doing is actually keeping you in the OCD loop.  I think since this has been with you for a while it is probably time for you to see a psychologist.  Talk to your parents about this so that they can make you an appointment.  The thing to remember is that if you said out loud "I'm gay" you wouldn't want to run off and find a boyfriend and become intimate with him.  And if that is the case, then how on earth could you possibly be gay.  You need to let the thought wash over you.  Think it and then say "WHATEVER."  Don't try to analyze it because if you do, you will be stuck.  You need to stop it when it starts.  

The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD can teach you some techniques.  Also the book Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani is a good one as well.  

[PatchedSoul]

I'm a 16 year old female and I'm also wondering if I have HOCD. Only I've been dealing with this for a whole summer. It goes up and down but for the most part it's almost always there. I've cried a lot because I'm just so scared and worried of becoming gay (lesbian) or even bi. I just don't want be gay/bi because I know I never have been and it's just not like me, it makes me feel uncomfortable to think about it. But likely if your so worried about this and you feel you need help then go see a counselor. There here to help you, that's literally what they're here for. They can diagnose you with OCD or HOCD, but since HOCD isn't yet an official, clinical diagnosis you could get treatment for OCD like medication and therapy.