Ok, I find it hard talking about my OCD, to anyone else anyway. And because of this I frequently go over conversations in my head where I'm talking to health professionals about it, especially when I'm exceptionally anxious... but then when i'm out the next day or something I couldnt possibly imagine addressing my OCD or talking about it out loudto someone, also because I feel guilty fr first of all talking to strangers about it when I havent even spoken about it with my family, although I'm pretty sure they know I have a form of OCD.
Anyway, thats not really the question. I've had OCD perhaps for about four or five years, that seems strange enough because thats about a quarter of my life and i've kept it surpressed and secret for all that time. Time flies when you're... hmmm. For most of, if not all of, this time my OCD has kept me from enjoying the things I like doing most, mainly listening to music and exploring my favourite bands. For instance a band I really love had four members, (I wont say their name just because I dont want to materialize this obsession, it will probably lead to further problems for me) and I love all these members, but the guitarist specifically gets a lot more positive comments and adornment. I'm fine with this because I feel it too, but is the inequality that causes me so much anxiety to the point where just looking at his face or any of their faces causes me to think of horrible thoughts, ridiculous thoughts which causes me so much pain. You might think this is ridiculous over a band, but music is very important to me, its one of the only outlets I have or that I feel equal and free in, when I dont succeed or feel anything for the life around me music is what gives me hope for the future and lets me escape, I aspire to these people and feel like on a personal level they are connected to me in a way none of my friends or social group are, or care to understand either. Then, sometimes the singer gets negative comments about his technical abilities as a singer, but I absolutely love this man for what he represents and his talents as a lyricist and frontman. It hurts me s much when I see other people's opinions on the youtubes comments page for example, and then in contrast praise for the guitarist, which is no measure of the singer, in my obsessive compulsive mind lessens the adulation for the singer. I dont know why I find this so hard to process and accept, but it causes me to think out long conculsions and reasoning for why I am right to admire both of them equally, but it just feels like im being cut with a knife when I see negative comments, then I feel so angry and resentful at humanity for being so ignorant and vicious, especially against something so undeserving of it. My obsessions have stopped me from being able to listen to their music a lot of the time, or when I am with headphones especially it can get very hard, as I have to complete my ritual in my head before I can turn the music off, so all the while this music is playing I'm having a nervous breakdown with such a tense, anxious mind, just waiting for the relief when it feels right in my ritual so I can close down the song... half way through. But escaping the OCD is more important to me in tht moment because it is poisoning one of the few things I have to enjoy. It puts me off listening, or reading or watching TV, as this same thing happens with all of those (even characters on tv shows), so all of it just seems tainted. Its not just this particular obsession, as with an OCD it can come from anywhere about anything, and it varies. Its generally any band I really love, I guess any band I love enough to obsess over.
Sorry for the reeaally long, rambling rant, its hard to sum it up, and this is very brief considering what I go through, but thanks for reading.
First let me say that yes, OCD irrational thoughts are grounded in the ridiculus realm, we know it, but we go there anyway because our minds are programmed this way. I'd tell you all the stupid things I have thought but I don't want to give you fuel for your fire that is OCD.
That whole conversation thing in your head...that is you trying to be in control of every situation. It is also this way for the band members. You believe they deserve nothing but praise and are upset when people don't praise them but rather put them down. I once went to a meeting at work with a social worker when I was having a particularly bad time...on my walk down the street guess what I was doing....rehearsing. I had to literally make myself stop rehearsing what I was going to say. I did confess this to her and she didn't judge me. I told her that I do not have a quiet mind and that there is an ever ongoing diaglog in my head. She said she was going to borrow that phrase...again no judgement.
OCD is all about control. We want to control every outcome of every situation. I will tell you that I don't perform rituals. But there again, is the irrational thought process going to work on us.
I have written on here before that OCD should be renamed OMG for obsessive mind game and it is a game that we play on ourselves. And since we play it on ourselves, we can stop it as well.
I see that you are 20 years old and have been battling this since about 15. It is very exhausing I know. And even though you are embarassed about your thoughts, you are writing them down ananomously because they have become overwhelming. Reading what you wrote does not make me think anything about you other than here is another person suffering from OCD irrational thinking. The content of the thought really doesn't matter to me or to anybody else with OCD or to people that treat OCD. Psychologists and Psychiatrists have heard everything from A to Z trust me. Nothing surprises them anymore and you know what...they don't judge. They are there to help you understand OCD and to help you figure out the best strategy for you to get rid of these thoughts. They can teach you ways to stop the thought the second it starts because let's face it, we really get into trouble when we take the thought and run with it when what we really need to do is STOP it from ever becoming anything more than a momentary thought in our mind.
So please, please consider seeing a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. Also, there are medications out there that work very effectively for OCD. I myself practice CBT and take medication. You owe it to yourself to see somebody. You have a whole life ahead of you and I'm sure you don't want to spend it playing mind games with yourself. With the right help, you will be able to say "WHATEVER" when the ridiculous thought comes into your mind. I know because I can do it. I know because I have been where you are and I'm not there anymore.
Thank you so much for your reply, it was really constructive to me. My OCD involves everything really, this was just one of the topics I felt most comfortable talking about, and i've never seen anyone who has the same obsession. I think is also a personality thing, I just cant seem to accept the fact that other peoples opinions are just their opinions, as though it means more than my own and that it is not a fact.
You have made me more interested in seeking help, by what you say it sounds like a serious and important move to take, but there are alot of things holding me back. But at the same time this is a crucial moment in my life where I need to be able to live my life. You say i've got my whole life ahead of me but with OCD, maybe because of OCD, or maybe not at all, I just feel like I can do nothing to help my future or even have the one I want. Especially since I started Uni, OCD has held me back so much, I dont know how to rectify all the mistakes i've made.
Anyway i'll just have to work it over in my own head, thanks again for being so helpful and sincere.
Stress also is a major factor in OCD and whether it is kicking into high gear or not. University is tough and stressful and it may be why you are having a particularly hard time of it right now. You have only to look at me. Read the "About Me" on my home page. It lists some of the stupid things I have done and thought...by no means is it all. I used to think I would harm the people I love...you know...not meaning to but it would kind of just happen accidentally. That one, I can look back and laugh about now.
While you are deciding to see somebody or not, try to pick up The OCD Workbook: YOur Guide to Breaking Free of OCD. I think you will find it very useful.
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