I was diagnosed with OCD when I was about 15. I'm 22 now. I have always had germ OCD, so I focus on certain diseases. It has always alternated between HIV and herpes.
Now I'm in a 'herpes' stage. I am so scared that I keep going out and getting repetitive blood tests to make sure I don't have it. I met a new guy, and I decided I wanted to be normal for once and do sexual stuff on him. We did mutual masturbation, and I was so worried that I performed oral sex on him just to make sure he had no sores (I wanted to get closer to see what was there...DUMB I know). Anyway, I saw something on him, and I am CONVINCED it was herpes. I sent the pic to a dermatologist who doesn't think it looks like herpes, but I do think it is.
I was really trying to forget it, but now I have noticed a scratchy throat and red marks/streaks on that thing that hangs down in your throat. I am absolutely terrified. I know that getting oral herpes from the genital area is rare, and that he might not have had herpes at all, but I am sooo scared. I also know that I have allergies and that I have been coughing, which isn't a sign of herpes.
This isn't the first time this has happened...it has happened several times. I am in a state of panic. I haven't eaten in days, and I'm sooo sick from that. I have considered killing myself. I am scared that I will have a disease and be 'tainted' and no one will love me, and I will be alone forever. My parents and dog are all I really have. This guy definitely isn't going to be permanent (I can realize that now), and I'm afraid I will never find anyone. My parents are getting older, and I'm so scared.
I have no idea what to do. Should I just forget about herpes all together and stop being tested? It's much easier said than done, but I have wasted so much money on tests, and I'm making my parents go broke over it. I'm so anxious that I can't work, so I sit at home all day and obsess/compulsively check my symptoms for hours.
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