Beyond Scared

[puddingpop_1986_22]

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was about 15.  I'm 22 now.  I have always had germ OCD, so I focus on certain diseases.  It has always alternated between HIV and herpes.

Now I'm in a 'herpes' stage.  I am so scared that I keep going out and getting repetitive blood tests to make sure I don't have it.  I met a new guy, and I decided I wanted to be normal for once and do sexual stuff on him.  We did mutual masturbation, and I was so worried that I performed oral sex on him just to make sure he had no sores (I wanted to get closer to see what was there...DUMB I know).  Anyway, I saw something on him, and I am CONVINCED it was herpes.  I sent the pic to a dermatologist who doesn't think it looks like herpes, but I do think it is.

I was really trying to forget it, but now I have noticed a scratchy throat and red marks/streaks on that thing that hangs down in your throat.  I am absolutely terrified.  I know that getting oral herpes from the genital area is rare, and that he might not have had herpes at all, but I am sooo scared.  I also know that I have allergies and that I have been coughing, which isn't a sign of herpes.

This isn't the first time this has happened...it has happened several times.  I am in a state of panic.  I haven't eaten in days, and I'm sooo sick from that.  I have considered killing myself.  I am scared that I will have a disease and be 'tainted' and no one will love me, and I will be alone forever.  My parents and dog are all I really have.  This guy definitely isn't going to be permanent (I can realize that now), and I'm afraid I will never find anyone.  My parents are getting older, and I'm so scared.

I have no idea what to do.  Should I just forget about herpes all together and stop being tested?  It's much easier said than done, but I have wasted so much money on tests, and I'm making my parents go broke over it.  I'm so anxious that I can't work, so I sit at home all day and obsess/compulsively check my symptoms for hours.