Do I Have OCD???? Please Help!!!

[rayofhope96]

I'm 15, and I've been worried for about 6 months or so that I might have OCD, but I'm not sure. I've taken about 4 online tests, and they all came back positive.
I have a strange obsession with arranging and aligning things, making them look just right. Things dont necessarily have to be neat, but they have to be exactly how i want them. if they are moved, I have to put them back.
I organize things constantly, in order of colour, letter, number etc.
I don't have a big obsession with cleanliness, but I am little bothered by dirt. I HATE crumbs on a table, more than other things. And i have a small fear of germs, though that isn't too bad
I cant stop counting things, every where I go. and i repeat things until they feel right. What 'right' is exactly, i don't know.
It's been getting gradually worse recently, and is becoming unbearable.
I am also very paranoid, selfconscious, and my self-esteem is practically non-existent. I also started self-harming recently. My moods and emotions are all over the place, and I'm almost always angry or scared now, for no reason. I can't shake the feeling of being watched or followed.
I haven't told any of my family, and I'm really scared of seeing a doctor. So does anyone have any idea what could be wrong with me? :(

[babybonita]

Hi

             I'm no stranger to obsessions & compulsions. Ocd really *****, I've suffered w/ the same perfectionistic compulsions for about 10 years. These rituals have taken over my life. I've tried different therapies including exposure response prevention therapy which basically means sitting w/ anxiety through an imperfect situation. I found this to be most effective but it only works w/ my therapist. When I'm all by myself I'm contstantly stuck rituals. I've tried many different ssris w/ not much luck. I've learned the best way to cope is w/ structure & distraction. W/out that my mind is forever racing. If anyone has had any luck w/ any treatment besides cbt, erpt, dbt, thought stopping please let me know. I will continue therapy & pray for peace of mind one day. Good luck on the fight against ocd!

[rayofhope96]

Wow. Seriously. I could have written that. That is EXACTLY my problem. Just... Wow. :)

I think there's someone in school who deals with this kind of thing, but I'm not sure. I'll go and ask her today :)
Thankyou so so so much. Knowing someone else has the same problems is like a huge weight lifted off me. You have no idea how much better I feel <3 <3
I'll keep posting as things go on! xx

[odasi]

Hey,

I saw your post and I had to respond. I've experience a lot of the same things you have in the past few years. I have had a lot of anxiety throughout my entire life - even when I was really little I would get really bad panic attacks and nobody knew why. And when I got into high school I guess I was just sort of hit with everything else - I started having a lot of symptoms of OCD and depression, but I didn't know what it was. I was always a really high achieving student and I just sort of wanted to be... perfect... like you said. I put a lot of pressure on myself and it ended up coming out through OCD. I would arrange things until they were "right" or organize and reorganize things that were already fine. I would count everything and I was really obsessed with germs and hand-washing. When my OCD got really bad I had to repeat tasks in certain numbers before I could continue what I was doing.

All of that being said, I think the best thing I ever did was to find my current doctor... he finally got me on a track toward success. It really feels good to feel like you have a "professional" on your team, so to speak.

And as for your parents, I understand how difficult it can be including them in your treatment plan (trust me...haha) but you have to do what's right for you... and what's gonna be best for you in the long run.

I wish you the best and support you in whatever decision you decide to make!! Keep posted. <3

[JGF25]

I'm going to say something as a 47 year old here but keep in mind that I was your age once :).  None of this stuff that you think is important now will matter later in life.  You are probably in High School right now.  That is tough.  I remember wanting to look my best to keep up with the others.  My parents were poor and we didn't have money so I worked at age 15 to have the things I wanted, that I felt I needed to "Keep up."    I'm not regretting working at a young age but I did come to realize that all that stuff that I thought was so important (my image, the people I hung around with, how I looked) really didn't matter.  That guy I wanted to catch the eye of, I dated but I sure as heck didn't marry him.  He became just another part of my teenage years that at this point doesn't matter.  Really by the time you get out of high school it all goes away and becomes a big nothing.  

Think about people like Einstein, Bill Gates, etc.  Do you think they had it rough?  I'm sure they did.  And if it did bother them, it didn't stop them from going on to become influential people in the science/tech world.  Don't you think they were thought of as the nerds?  I'm sure they would tell you the same thing that I'm telling you.  

If you have a school counselor, why don't you go and talk to that person.  Everything is confidential and you can do this without your parents knowing I think but you really should go and talk to somebody.  

We are who we are and we have to embrace that with all our heart.  We can't change our genetics, but we can work with what we have to be the best person we can be.  Stop trying to "fix" what really isn't broken.  Embrace yourself, get your esteem out of the gutter, and just be you.    

[rayofhope96]

Thanks for replying :)
I know I should talk to someone, but I'm just so scared of what they'll think of me. I know it's irrational, but I hate talking about things that might make me different, because it makes me feel so abnormal.
That's kind of what triggers my obsessive activities, really. I see people prettier than me, or thinner than me in magazines, on TV etc, and I hate myself because I can't achieve that perfection. I want it so badly, like a craving. I often compare it to addiction, that perfection is my cocaine. And, because I can't achieve it personally, I try to make other things perfect instead, to get my 'fix' that way.
I'm also paranoid about people's impressions of me. If I walk past a group of people and they laugh, I think they're laughing at me. If someone looks at me, I think they're judging me. even with my family and friends, I'm afraid to open up and let them know me, because I'm convinced that they'll reject me if they know the real me.
I know all of this is silly and irrational and doesn't make any sense, even as I do it. But I do it all anyway, i can't help it :(
So, anything that makes me even more imperfect, like OCD, just makes me more and more depressed, and the last thing I want to do is talk about it. The only reason I can post on here is because no one can actually see me or knows me :).
I know a lot of this is complicated, but welcome to my mind :D

[JGF25]

Well, I'm not qualified to diagnose anybody on the forum but you do sound like you have OCD symptoms.  So you really need to see a child psychologist to get a formal diagnosis so that a treatment plan can be put in place.  Because of your age, you are going to have to talk to your parents about what you are experiencing.  I'm very concerned that you have progressed to self-harming yourself.  I will tell you that this is something that is hard to overcome by yourself and without the benefit of a psychologist.  It doesnt mean you are crazy, just that you have some obsessions/compulsions that need to be dealt with and you are having a hard time doing it on your own.  

So in short you need to figure out a way to tell your parents.  You don't have to divulge all if you don't feel you can but you need to give them enough information so that they see it is important for you to see a therapist.  

If you were my daughter, I would want to know so that I could help you through this.  I have a son that is your age and I would want him to tell me he is struggling so that I could get him the help he needs.  He has ADHD and I got him help for that so that he can be successful in life.  The same goes for a disorder like OCD.

Keep me in formed on how it goes.