Do I have HOCD or am I just in denial that i'm homosexual?

I can't get the idea out of my head that i'm homosexual. To me it would make so much sense. I'm 15 and until now have felt like a completely heterosexual being. I guess I've had my experiences: I remember when i was about 11 me and my mate masturbated in the same room, but i was looking at a picture of a woman and him being there made it less arousing.

But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.

I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.

Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.

Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.

That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.

I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?

I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.

I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused.  but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.

I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.

So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?

[Ldee6]

Well if you keep checking and worrying about it, it might be OCD.  Especially if you keep checking and checking and checking. You should talk to a counselor about this.

[jambaroo]

dude your not gay. believe it or not being gay is a very very very black and white sort of thing.  ask yourself. can you ever see yourself falling in love with a man? would this feel right? can you see yourself having sex with a man? would this feel right? if you answered yes to ALL of those 4 questions then yes you are gay but otherwise you are not. i have hocd to but you just have to tell your mind to shut the **** up and just say to yourself everyday. IF I GET AROUSED BYE GIRLS I AM NOT GAY. there you go. please move on with your life. i spent 4 years dwelling on this issue when i could have been doing something else

[jorge420]

im 22 and recently I had a huge anxiety attack. It happened in an idle moment with my girlfriend. We were watching T.V. with this gay guy on it. A thought popped in my head that I could be a gay person. As soon as that happened it felt as is my heart dropped into my stomach. I had tons on anxiety and thoughts began racing. The following week has been hell. All I day I would feel anxious. I would tense up and get emotional and or frustrated. I don't like the thought of being gay. I dont like being compared to gay people. Ive always been self conscious about whether or not I came off that way, though I personally never felt I did. Since then Ive been very confused about my sexual orientation. These past two days I havent felt as much anxiety and thats when I'm feeling comfortable and well..straight. When my girlfriend and I engage in sexual activities I still get aroused strictly from her but I then question myself and if she is why i'm getting aroused. I've been worrying more because I read that if you dont have anxiety after a bit than that means you must be gay because your begining to feel comfortable. I dont feel comfortable about being gay at all. The thought is unsettling not only because of how society works but because I cannot see myself spending nights or time with a man as my spouse. That thought scares me more because as of last night I felt distant from my girl and now Im wondering if I love her and if this is real. Im so confused. Ive been with her for 6 years and its been great, ive always loved her and been extremely turned on by her but since that anxiety attack I havent been able to be me. Im straight up depressed and I have been wishing I was dead. The worst part of the day is waking up. I question myself the most then..I dont know what the **** is going on and im scared to tell anyone close because of how they may react. I did reading online to find HOCD because I really felt that I cannot be gay and that these are instrusive uncomfortable thoughts. Ive got more I could tell, Ill post this and see what anyone thinks. Please help me!

[BillMagnum]

You are probably not gay dude! Stop smoking pot, its making ya paranioid, trust me I know! After that then you can decide, besides if you are bi calm down and think your sea of fishes just got larger :)! And there is nothing wrong with it!

[WhyDoeshocdexsist]

I have the same feelings, as long as YOU can say IM NOT GAY you are NOT gay, you may feel you are at many points, and really believe you are gay and never knew it, I know all of this but i still to this day suffer from it, im constantly checking and wondering am i gay? freaking out cause "what if i am" But i seen if you keep checking and wondering it is most deffinatly an OCD No worries

[lakjsdflaksd]

Yo, just letting you know your not alone with this issue man.  Im in the same boat.  This is a classified thing people are in the same boat as you man including myself. You wouldnt fear the idea of it but rather the hardship behind it.  Just make sure your mind is occupied doing things you enjoy and maybe get behavioral therapy from a highly qualified therapist.  Its probably a little lack of self confidence. Just realize that having to deal with this anxiety is a gift in that it makes you stronger once you overcome it. God Bless

[ocd3698]

im twelve and i think i have hocd, its really horrible but i cant see a psyciatrist (sorry about the bad spelling) and im not going to tell my parents. any advice on what i can do?

[raxx]

Just relax and don't think about it... It all sorts out by itself... Enjoy... :)