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Do I have HOCD or am I just in denial that i'm homosexual?
I can't get the idea out of my head that i'm homosexual. To me it would make so much sense. I'm 15 and until now have felt like a completely heterosexual being. I guess I've had my experiences: I remember when i was about 11 me and my mate masturbated in the same room, but i was looking at a picture of a woman and him being there made it less arousing.

But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.

I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.

Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.

Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.

That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.

I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?

I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.

I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused.  but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.

I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.

So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?
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mate. Let this be the only thing you need to read.

I'm gay. And I didn't ever NOT know I was gay. At 15 I knew I liked men. Also if you think about it. Wats happening to you is like -the reason you are thinking about it constantly is because you don't want to be gay. Then you convince yourself these intrusive thoughts mean you are gay. But really it's your mind telling you to think about it more. I scare you more. Is like reverse psychology on yourself
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I dont know whats going on with me? Im just so scared i feel no attraction to anyone like i did before and thats frightening im scared that I'll never find another girl attractive or anybody for that matter? I hate my mind. I'd love for it to go back the way it is was before.
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And Ben. OCD comes to a point where you pass anxiety and reach the hopelessness stage. I've been there and it caused me to almost break up wit my boyfriend. Stop thinking that what you do with your.. thing..means you are limited to what you can do in your life. At the end of the day - the only person stopping you being happy is you. Leave your sexuality on the backburner and Focus elsewhere. Sounds difficult eh? But only you know what you are and are not attracted to. Bt right now you are clouding your own judgement with views that your sexuality means that if your gay you need to slap on fake tan and talk with a lisp? No. I'm gay and I pretty much hate that sort of gay. And I went through an in denial stage. Not saying that you are. But now? I wouldn't change a thing. And I'm sure in a few years neither would you. Gay, straight, bi, pan or asexual. Just focus on a goal. And eventually male or female you'll, find someone you want to be with and you'll cease to care what sex they are.
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And another thing that is really messing with my mind and i remember a time where i didnt worry about this at all not even in the slightest but i just shook it off my dad would drink and call me gay and stuff like that and that's really messed with me. I dont remember the old me and thats where i want to get back to but cant is this OCD or not?
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Im so scared i am in denial and that my therapist will tell me i am and ill lose my girlfriend who i love so much and that doesnt make me very happy person.
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No offence intended towards you or anything but the idea of being with a man as a life partner does not in any way appeal to me which is why im having so much fear because ill never be able to be with another woman again?
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Ben. IF you we're gay. You wouldn't be questioning us as to wether you are in denial. Your question would be. 'Why can't I accept that I am gay?' - now it seems it would be ocd as this has all flowered from one comment your dad made. You aren't worrying about being gay. You are worried about how your dad would react, you just don't realise it.

And Ben? If you love your girlfriend. And want to be with her. Then why are you even worried?

BE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. BE HAPPY AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE.

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None taken.

I couldn't see myself with a man at first. But I could never see myself with a woman.

If you can see a woman as a life partner but not a man. Then be with a woman. That's the dinky dory,
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I know i love her. This didnt as you put it all "flower" from comments my dad said its simply because i was talking to a gay man? so none of this is logical whatso ever but it still won't leave my head so it has to mean something right?
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You never saw yourself being with a women? Okay well I've seen myself being never married but with a woman i just dont like the whole divorce thing you would have to go through you know? I've had countless crushes on girls never a guy?
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No. It doesn't. It's something you don't want to happen. And you are scared of it. But you can't push it to the back of your mind like most people. S the defence mechanism we have. As people with ocd is we analyse our thoughts and fears. And we try to find meaning. Sometimes there's no meaning other than we are afraid of some deep-seated thought or fear coming to light.

Ocd sufferers are their own worst critics - and their own worst enemies. We will always expect the worst. By never hope for the best. Because we don't see that.
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Ben. How old are you and how long have you been like this?
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I understand you probably have better things to do then talk to someone like me lol but the reason im so worried is that this whole thing has made me very distant from girlfriend and the fact that i do love her but still have this fear or whatever it is the reason im so worried
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Im 18 and I've been like this for about a month and a half i guess? I havent be able to go back to work or be alone for that matter and I'm getting anxiety from just being around my friends? that scares me a lot im scared i wont just see them as friends anymore.
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And that proves it sir. You are straight through and through. You are worried about losing your girlfriend. One thing that may cause that is you turning gay. Unlikely. Stop worrying. I know it's tough. Move on. Be with your girlfriend. Be happy.
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I suggest visiting your gp and going for a course of cbt with a councillor.
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Can someone actually randomly turn gay?
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I certainly will not turn straight randomly. So no. You will not just randomly turn gay.
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Because if that can happen they can randomly turn straight again?
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I've never been diagnosed with OCD before, So how is it possible for me to randomly have this? its not so i dont understand my mind right now
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Ben. You are grasping at straws and you need to take a breather. What I do. Is I stop. Close my Eyes. And let my mind go blank. And tell myself to think logically. I know you are looking for an answer. So I'll give you one. O. You cannot randomly turn gay or turn randomly straight. No. No. No.

I must sleep for work in the morning and its now almost 2am.

Any lat questions before I leave?
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Just one sorry, can someone who thinks they've never had OCD before just randomly have it pop up?
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There would be random ticks you have had before. When i was about 14 if I knew there were lights on in my house. Even if I couldn't see the. We trying to sleep. Did have to turn them off. I was diagnosed at 17. Go to your gp. Tell your gp. Seek cognitive behavioural therapy. IT WORKS.
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Sorry auto correct. On my iPad. I would have to turn them off. Even if I couldn't see them.
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If you really need to ask anything. Inbox me and I'll get back to you tomorrow. Goodnight.
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Yeah i dont think i ever had any ticks even though i know i do have a social anxiety because i have to grab the back of my leg when walking through a crowd lol thats all im sorry im keeping you awake and thank you even though its still in my head i feel like i would never act on it. Always wanted to be and will be with a woman no matter what my head says
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Do i even have OCD? There's no anxiety and I understand anxiety goes away but my brain is just completely confusing me and I fear that my therapist will say I dont have it and that Im just in some deep denial about this whole or Ill get the wrong kind of therapy as the therapy I'm getting now its simply just talking.....
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1699033 tn?1443113373
You said you are in college....go and make an appointment with a school counselor because you are suffering from OCD in my opinion and it does lead to increased anxiety and then depression when it is left untreated.  You just heard from a gay man what it is like to be gay and to know it and to accept it.  You cannot get more proof than that that heterosexuals don't just wake up one day and start liking the same sex and homosexuals don't wake up one day and and start liking the opposite sex.  Please, please seek help because this is completely treatable.  

Thank you justaquestion91....it would be great if you could hang around and possibly answer some other HOCD posts.  I think it holds more weight coming from a gay man than from a heterosexual woman even though I too had HOCD at one point in my life.  Thanks again.  
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Im not in college yes i got accepted but cant go because my gf doesnt want me to that caused me a lot of stress and then that same day this happened to me? I know and it does help hearing its just getting so hard for me to fight this and I cant because my mind wont shut off.
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1699033 tn?1443113373
Stress sets OCD off....and so it makes perfect sense that your HOCD started when this big stressor happened.  As far as relationship advice goes, if you are not married to this girl then you should be in college.  If your girlfriend doesn't want you to go, too bad.  If you are in a committed relationship then you can continue it long distance.  My boyfriend way back when, cause I'm old, said he wanted to join the Navy but wouldn't do it if I wouldn't wait for him....I broke up with him.  I didn't want to be the deciding factor in what he did with his life.  It didn't work out for us but that is not to say that it won't work out for you.  

Try the "exposure therapy."  Each day go into a room, close your eyes and imagine yourself with a man and I bet that you will see that it is not for you each and every time.  Each time you do it, you will be taking the fear out of the thought.
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I know I changed my college choice and picked one 30 minutes away but now the only stress I have is this thing and tbh I feel like its has turned me gay. I dont notice women like I used to and am constantly seeing if im sexually attracted to every man and get major anxiety from it? its scares me to think that I'm having this problem now its ruining everything I'm at the point where either my head shuts up or I completely shut it off. I've tried doing that it just causes anxiety and I cant do it for more than a few seconds without being repulsed by the idea but then again the repulsive feeling is going away so im done.
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1699033 tn?1443113373
The idea here is to become desensitized to it.  You want to be able to say "whatever."  You will be repulsed, then you will be "this is a flipping chore" and then "why am I wasting my time on this anymore?"  
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Its defintely not helping I understand gibe it time lol but here's the thing I know how irrational this thinking is because i simply think I've turned gay because I was talking to a gay man?
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Here's the thing I've read so many other things that says that the majority of HOCD suffers are themselves gay and just dont want to be so badly that they've made it up?
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Explain why my attraction to every single female is gone no matter how hot they are? Im forcing myself to check everyone out and get anxiety from every single guy I see but every girl I see makes me feel numb?
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I keep reading on this website called EC that HOCD does not exist? Im sorry if it doesnt then have I been living a lie?
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When these people say they have urges or a wanting to do something what do they mean like I dont have those all I have is a fear I'm going to find a man sexlly attractive?
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1699033 tn?1443113373
Read below...this is what you are doing to yourself

Taken from the OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD that I always recommend but nobody seems to ever buy.  

Intrusive thought --> Catastrophic appraisal of the thought --> Increased anxiety and worry --> Overcontrol strategies which include Vigilence (Could I really do it? and Covert rituals (testing) --> temporary anxiety reduction --> The cycle starts over again.  

"Primarily obsessional OCD begins with an intrusive, distressing thought that the person appraises in a particularly negative way.  In the person's mind, the thought is experienced as having the same reality or importance as an action.  As a result, the person attempts to avoid or suppress the thought.  This leads to various overcontrol strategies to reduce anxiety, including mental rituals.  While these strategies may reduce discomfort, the effect is only temporary, and then the cycle begins again."

Internet searches are a bad idea when you have any type of OCD because your glass is half empty right now and so you are going to key in on all the negative things you read.  If HOCD wasn't real, why are so many people suffering from it?  You have only to look on this forum to see that the majority of the posts are regarding HOCD.  

Horrific thoughts are what we with OCD come up with.  Horrific in the sense theat they are life altering because let's face it, if they were not, we wouldn't be bothered by them.  

You don't have a good handle on OCD and what it can do to you and you obviously don't have a handle on how to help yourself.  You need to see a counselor or at least your general practicition at this point.  Second guessing, testing, all that stuff is only going to continue to make things worse.  You have only to look at the progression chart I posted above to know that.  AND you had a gay man chime in...what more reassurance do you need?  You are stuck in this cycle and you need to get out of it now so call your doctor.  
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What are the differences between hocd or denial?
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Why won't this go away?
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I just can't tell what I am anymore.
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Me too bro! I'm a girl and find the whole idea of being with a woman disgusting someone please help us both I wanna die in a hole!!!!  Like I know if a girl is pretty and stuff but I typically get jealous cuz I wish I looked like that. Then I wonder if I think she's hott? I get disgusted and then feel miserable. HELP!!! I'm fifteen about to turn sixteen this is not how I want to spend my birthday. Obsessing over this stuff!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!
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Me to maybe with can both help the other out somehow except im a girl
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I'm a girl with hocd.  I get the anxiety.  But for me I don't feel anything towards opposite sex once I started obsessing.  I think I feel a little something when I check with same sex which just fuels further anxiety.  It doesn't feel wrong but it doesn't feel right.  You know? And trying to put it out of my mind doesn't work.  I circle back to it.  I'm constantly aware of arousal.  It's ruining my life.  I started on anti depressants to try to wind my mind down.
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Could any1 help me
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uhm
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hey benny,

I am going through what you are going EXACTLY. All my anxiety is gone and I am left confused on what I am, I would never want to be with a woman (I'm a girl) but my mind is telling me I am gay. I am not but my mind is confused cause I don't get anxiety anymore and the thought doesn't bother me anymore. I have a boyfriend and never wanna leave him. That's the thing that I am holding on to right now. Has anyone else felt that their anxiety is completely gone and they are convinced they have turned gay?
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Can someone please reply to me asap!?
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Hi everyone,
I have been suffering from what I think is HOCD for around 4 months now. I have a girlfriend who I love dearly and have always been attracted to girls. I can notice if boys are "handsome" but not anything sexual. I'm a 14 year old male. I have been suffering from constant "gay thoughts" which disgust me and bother me all day. I am constantly wondering to my self if I'm gay all day when I know deep down I'm not. I would never want to be gay or have any pleasure out of the thought of being gay. It just dosent appeal to me, yet I have these unwanted thoughts which play on my mind all the time which dosent arouse me in anyway. It is really starting to bother me now. So if anyone could get back to me ASAP! That would be great. Thanks
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Hey guys I'm 20 years old, I've always been a girly girl I still am I have a boyfriend that I'm serious about I've always had crushes on boys ever since I can remember. I was never really supportive towards gay people or trangenders or anything like that but I have nothing against then I'm not homophobic or anything. I've had many boyfriend and slept with about 6 guys in total and I enjoyed everything about it. I've always dreamed about getting married to a guy and have a family, I always get excited and happy when my bf comes to see me but lately I have been feeling emotionless. About 2/3 ago I started having gay thoughts that I just couldn't stop. They made me really scarred and I would stop eating and puke up whenever I thought of becoming gay, I would sleep foe about 4 hours I would have gay Dreams and They scarred me even more because Why on earth would I have gay dreams? And that made me think I'm gonna become gay or Maybe I'm just a gay person in denial I swear to God I would rather die than be gay And one more thing I watched gay and lesbian porn n I when my hocd kicked in lesbian porn started to fight against me n made me think if I'm not a lesbian Why on earth did I. Watch lesbian porn and enjoyed it but I always felt disgusted after. Watching it and I find lesbian sad disgusting in real life no offense
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