Do I have HOCD or am I just in denial that i'm homosexual?

I can't get the idea out of my head that i'm homosexual. To me it would make so much sense. I'm 15 and until now have felt like a completely heterosexual being. I guess I've had my experiences: I remember when i was about 11 me and my mate masturbated in the same room, but i was looking at a picture of a woman and him being there made it less arousing.

But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.

I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.

Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.

Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.

That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.

I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?

I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.

I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused.  but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.

I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.

So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?

[Ldee6]

Well if you keep checking and worrying about it, it might be OCD.  Especially if you keep checking and checking and checking. You should talk to a counselor about this.

[jambaroo]

dude your not gay. believe it or not being gay is a very very very black and white sort of thing.  ask yourself. can you ever see yourself falling in love with a man? would this feel right? can you see yourself having sex with a man? would this feel right? if you answered yes to ALL of those 4 questions then yes you are gay but otherwise you are not. i have hocd to but you just have to tell your mind to shut the **** up and just say to yourself everyday. IF I GET AROUSED BYE GIRLS I AM NOT GAY. there you go. please move on with your life. i spent 4 years dwelling on this issue when i could have been doing something else

[jorge420]

im 22 and recently I had a huge anxiety attack. It happened in an idle moment with my girlfriend. We were watching T.V. with this gay guy on it. A thought popped in my head that I could be a gay person. As soon as that happened it felt as is my heart dropped into my stomach. I had tons on anxiety and thoughts began racing. The following week has been hell. All I day I would feel anxious. I would tense up and get emotional and or frustrated. I don't like the thought of being gay. I dont like being compared to gay people. Ive always been self conscious about whether or not I came off that way, though I personally never felt I did. Since then Ive been very confused about my sexual orientation. These past two days I havent felt as much anxiety and thats when I'm feeling comfortable and well..straight. When my girlfriend and I engage in sexual activities I still get aroused strictly from her but I then question myself and if she is why i'm getting aroused. I've been worrying more because I read that if you dont have anxiety after a bit than that means you must be gay because your begining to feel comfortable. I dont feel comfortable about being gay at all. The thought is unsettling not only because of how society works but because I cannot see myself spending nights or time with a man as my spouse. That thought scares me more because as of last night I felt distant from my girl and now Im wondering if I love her and if this is real. Im so confused. Ive been with her for 6 years and its been great, ive always loved her and been extremely turned on by her but since that anxiety attack I havent been able to be me. Im straight up depressed and I have been wishing I was dead. The worst part of the day is waking up. I question myself the most then..I dont know what the **** is going on and im scared to tell anyone close because of how they may react. I did reading online to find HOCD because I really felt that I cannot be gay and that these are instrusive uncomfortable thoughts. Ive got more I could tell, Ill post this and see what anyone thinks. Please help me!

[BillMagnum]

You are probably not gay dude! Stop smoking pot, its making ya paranioid, trust me I know! After that then you can decide, besides if you are bi calm down and think your sea of fishes just got larger :)! And there is nothing wrong with it!

[WhyDoeshocdexsist]

I have the same feelings, as long as YOU can say IM NOT GAY you are NOT gay, you may feel you are at many points, and really believe you are gay and never knew it, I know all of this but i still to this day suffer from it, im constantly checking and wondering am i gay? freaking out cause "what if i am" But i seen if you keep checking and wondering it is most deffinatly an OCD No worries

[lakjsdflaksd]

Yo, just letting you know your not alone with this issue man.  Im in the same boat.  This is a classified thing people are in the same boat as you man including myself. You wouldnt fear the idea of it but rather the hardship behind it.  Just make sure your mind is occupied doing things you enjoy and maybe get behavioral therapy from a highly qualified therapist.  Its probably a little lack of self confidence. Just realize that having to deal with this anxiety is a gift in that it makes you stronger once you overcome it. God Bless

[ocd3698]

im twelve and i think i have hocd, its really horrible but i cant see a psyciatrist (sorry about the bad spelling) and im not going to tell my parents. any advice on what i can do?

[raxx]

Just relax and don't think about it... It all sorts out by itself... Enjoy... :)

[jihad_213]

i glad im not the only 1 going through this hocd ***** it started when i was 19 im 20 now when i was 19 i found out that people thought i was gay and they have been thinking that ever scince i was 15 this bugged me and even i started to think i was gay but i have never found myself attacted to a man and yet i still think im gay because of hocd but i feel relief that its hocd and i know it. im pretty sure im not gay and i keep looking up online how to tell if you're gay or in denial of being gay. ever since i was young i had obsessive thoughts

[ChrisDLG]

I'm on the exact same boat as you wtf idk what to do I can't stop freaking out I'm going to see a psychologist and I just got some anxiety medication a few days ago a lot of the time I feel ok I have a girlfriend that I've been in love with for a year and a half and ever since this happened I freak out and I feel distant from her. I used to feel great whenever I'd read a text of something about how much she loved me and now I feel like I'm numb and it scares me. I know I'm not gay I just wanna know how you deal with it and how you are getting better I'm starting to control it slowly and slowly day by day but it gets hard when I have too much time on my hands and I sart thinking...please can anyone help me

[JGF25]

You are helping yourself.  You are seeing a psychologist and you are taking medication.  Give the meds a good 4 to 6 weeks before you really see the full benefits.  You say that you are starting to control it slowly and you have to know that with time it will only get better.  Trust me, you are doing everything right and you will be fine.  

[ChrisDLG]

But is it normal to not feel as close to my girlfriend right now? I know I love her and I know I dot wanna break up but ever since I got this hocd stuf in my head I freak out about every little thing and I question everything. When I'm with her and I kiss her I get aroused but when I'm not with her everything starts again. It makes me feel like when we finally do have sex I won't be able to and it'll freak me out more. And now that I can't feel do close to her it's freaking me out even more. I think so much idk what to do I just wanna feel normal again I just wanna be me again and have no worries or stupid thoughts or anything.

[JGF25]

The thinking is what you need to get past. That whole over analyzing and what if stuff. I know you think you won't get back to where you were before but I promise that it can be done. I know this because I have been at rock bottom twice and came back with he help of CBT and meds.

[ChrisDLG]

What are some CBT tips you can give me?

[ChrisDLG]

An thank you for all the help and support it really helps a lot I'm done feeling sorry for myself its time to be strong and focus on all the good in my life not the negative things or feeling sorry for myself over nothing

[ChrisDLG]

I can't take this stupid hocd thing anymore :(!!! Idk what's wring with me idk what to do I hate this I'm finally going to the doctor tomorrow but its like everything is hitting me all at once I just wanna know everything is ok I just wanna know I'm normal and other people have gone through this too please message me and help me I'm 18 years old and I'm a Virgin so I think that's why I'm freaking out more and more someone please help me :(!!

[JGF25]

I'm sorry for the delay.  I'm glad you are seeing the doctor tomorrow. Stress makes OCD worse and you are way overthinking this but when we have OCD we just can't help ourselves.  No, you are certainly not alone.  I have had HOCD before and I was married at the time...isn't that a kicker!  

Anyway, try this breathing exercise.  Lay down on our bed...no TV...no music...no distractions.  Put your hands on your stomach and take a deep breath in through your nose.  Hold it for five seconds and count this out in your head.  As you take the deep breath notice the rise of your stomach.  After the five seconds let it all out through your mouth.  As you do this feel your stomach fall.  Continue to do this breathing until you feel calmer.  It is much easier to think rationally when you are not off the hook with thoughts and anxiety.  Once you are good at this breathing, you can do it anywhere at anytime and nobody will even know you are doing it.  I use it in the car to keep away panic attacks.  I breath when I start to think too much and then I can usually avert anything bad from happening.  

Also, as a kind of therapy when I was afraid I would hurt people that I loved, I would go into a dark room..you can use your bedroom again, and picture myself for instance stabbing my husband.  When I did this exercise, I quickly realized that I would never ever do that...it just wasn't me and it wasn't something I would ever do.  I used it for HOCD as well....women are just not for me.  I'm a firm believer that whether we are gay or not is based on our genetics...we are either born gay or we are not.  I'm not a therapist so don't forget that.  I'm just someone who has had OCD and I am just giving you suggestions to try.  

You can also look for meditation videos on YouTube.  They work well at calming the mind down.  Let's face it, your mind is going 24/7 and it needs a rest.  Let me know how your therapy appointment goes.  Take care.  

[ChrisDLG]

I went to today and I can't see the doctor till Friday so that sucked. I'm gonna try those tips you game me they sound very helpful thank you :). I have a a question when this all started did your mind ever try saying your gay no matter how hard you tried to not think about it? And did you ever feel less attracted or like you loved your significant other less during this time? Did you feel less aroused or not aroused at all and questioned whether you we're looking at someone of the same sex or something. I know I've been over thinking and it makes you have performance anxiety and everything but I wanna know it happened to other people too an it's not just me cause it makes my hocd that much worse thinking like that. If you could get back to me soon I would appreciate it thanks

[CatX]

I know exactly what you are going through. believe me it is so horrible. you are literally convinced that you are gay, you  believe that that is what you are yet deep down you know that before all this came about, you weren't gay. you cant just 'change' sexuality like that. I have been suffering from this too (18yearsold) and it is horrific and affects everything. I have a gorgeous boyfriend who I love with all my heart yet since this all started I just don't feel as aroused and I over analyse everything and convince myself that I want a girlfriend when all my life I have wanted a boyfriend. my boyfriend is very supportive but I know that he finds it hard when im going through a bad phase with this ocd as he can tell that I lose my attraction to him. I know that I am happiest when im not over thinking and when I am with him....if I was actually a lesbian, I would hate the thought of having a boyfriend and to leave him would be great, whereas actually I would be so overwhelmed with anxiety if I did leave him- as I have tried before and hated it. my hocd comes in phases and often a trigger will cause it to just go crazy...ie watching a film with a beautiful girl and I feel myself being attracted to them....etc. but yeah i don't want to be a lesbian and I want this crazy stuff to go away, its ruining my relationship and its ruining my life. I know EXACTLY what you are going through, believe me, your brain will convince you of things you don't want it to, that's how ocd works. you've gotta tell it to *** off:) 'all will be fine in the end, and if its not fine, then its not the end' im here to talk, I know your pain:)

[VInce__D]

Agreed. I'm a dude and have been dreaming about sex with girls all week. I've been having the same thoughts, hence with guys since I'm a guy, for about a month now and finally am able to force myself to ignore them. My biggest fear is the outcome of not returning to my normal self post this whole hocd s**t,.

[AdamM1734]

Hi, I fear I may be a sufferer of hocd? Could you help me distinguish if I am a sufferer of hocd or am in denial?

Well to start, I am 15year old male living in Ireland and I am confused about my sexual side. I have always liked girls and had crushes on girls but I had never had a crush on a man. But yes I could tell a handsome bloke to an ugly one( I'm pretty sure anyone can ).

It started about 2 months ago when I was studying for my junior certificate exams, I can't remember in detail what happened but I can remember questioning myself asking 'am I gay?' and this really bothered me because I could probably say that my biggest fear is becoming gay(non-homophobic).

I over analysed the situation looking for solutions because I didn't want to be gay and I found Homosexual OCD. I read a few forms and then I thought 'oh this seems a lot like me' and 'maybe I'm just suffereing with hocd'. So this relieved alot of stress on me for about a week but the thoughts would of still been in the back of my mind.

But because OCD feeds on fear ( what ive read not sure if entirely true ) it has gotten a lot stronger. I have a girlfriend and yes I have feelings for her, but this form of OCD makes me think I am not attracted to women anymore.  This frightens me a lot.

I always watch straight porn or lesbian and I would say straight porn would give me an erection faster then lesbian porn and I think this because there is a male involved? So this frightened me as well.

I would never like to experience 'gay sex' because I find it horrible ( non homophobic ). I just want to know if my story Sounds like I am a homosexual OCD sufferer or am I a gay male hiding in denial?

Please reply soon as I am very stressed about this.
Yours faithfully,
AdamM1734.

P.S. if I do sound like an OCD sufferer could you please suggest some things to me to get rid of all this! Thank you.

[JGF25]

please see both of my posts regarding HOCD and horrific thoughts in general.  I will bump them up to the top of the forum again.  

In any case, the bottom line is for me at least I totally believe whether we are born gay or not is based in our genetics.  We either are or we are not.  If you find the thought of being with another may sexually as repulsive and not something you would ever like to do, then you are not gay and there is nothing more to ask.  OCD in general is tricky and it does seem to come on when people are at a higher stress level.  You may have had it for some time but just kind of didn't realize it and now that stress has come along, your exams, it showed up in the form of HOCD.  

As you can see from the forum, HOCD is so very common and yes it is normal to notice other people and whether they look good because that is what all people do, we compare ourselves to others to see whether we measure up so to speak.  I still do it and I'm 48.  I might notice how nice her body is and how good she looks in jeans because I want to look as good as the next 48 year old woman...doesn't mean I'm gay.  

OCD is all a mind game that we perpetuate on ourselves.  Sometimes we can get a handle on it without outside intervention by ignoring the thoughts and not giving into the fear, but other times we need the help of a psychologist and/or psychiatrist.  So if the thought doesn't go away, then you sould talk to your parents about getting some help.  

Take care.

[bennythejet]

okay here's my story i dont even want to write this but i know i need help im 18 and i've always liked girls always wanted to be with them in a relationship i remember my first crush i even remember her name what she looks like im sorry if this is all the over the place this hocd or whatever it is im praying for hocd because i dont want to be gay. well i started my first job a few months ago and there's a gay man who works there aswell well i've always been scared that by talking to a gay person would turn me gay and since i was talking to him i must be turning gay and its been about a month and a half now since these thoughts started "maybe im gay" was the first thught i brushed it off at first because i have a girlfiend who i love so much and i want to marry her and have kids but i feel like that isnt right anymore because of these thoughts what is this hocd or denial? i dont want to be gay.  if you need more of my history i've been bullied so i've always had low self esteem but my mind is telling its because you were gay this whole time wtf is that and i keep going through my life to find evidence and i just keep coming on the internet to check i cant stop checking i've tried to i even told myself today i will not check but here i am. i want to my doctor  because of a chest pain but i guess he saw it as panic attacks and anxiety so he sent me to counselling and i got anxiety about the couselling but i guess it helped for a little bit but didnt stop the thoughts.

[bennythejet]

i've been sexually active for about % months now i loved having sex with her but we stopped because i kept worrying about possibly being pregnant and so we stopped because of the anxiety i got from it and i know thats why we stopped but my mind is saying you stopped because you didnt like having sex with her but thats not the case and i have sex with her now but im constantly checking during it and that makes me freak out more because i shouldnt be checking during sex i have anxiety in public now i think im going to look at every guy and just "want" them like i wanted women i feel my sex drive going down and i just cant stop checking by having sex with my gf

[bennythejet]

5 months*

[bennythejet]

can hocd sufferer if i am one turn gay later in life? because of this thinking now?

[bennythejet]

holy **** i cant do this anymore. its getting to the point where i just want to lock my door and sleep because thats the only time im thinking this and i have to work tonight and tomorrow i cant.

[JGF25]

OCD should be labeled OMG for all of those Oh My God moments we have and also for Obsessive Mind Game because that is what we are doing to ourselves...we are playng one big mind game on ourselves.  

This is the pattern for a thought process like you are going through:

Taken from the OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD that I always recommend but nobody seems to ever buy.  

Intrusive thought --> Catastrophic appraisal of the thought --> Increased anxiety and worry --> Overcontrol strategies which include Vigilence (Could I really do it? and Covert rituals (testing) --> temporary anxiety reduction --> The cycle starts over again.  

"Primarily obsessional OCD begins with an intrusive, distressing thought that the person appraises in a particularly negative way.  In the person's mind, the thought is experienced as having the same reality or importance as an action.  As a result, the person attempts to avoid or suppress the thought.  This leads to various overcontrol strategies to reduce anxiety, including mental rituals.  While these strategies may reduce discomfort, the effect is only temporary, and then the cycle begins again." .

Do you see how you have gone into the overcontrol strategy realm?  You are not gay my friend.  If you were, you wouldn't find being with anothe rman repulsive.  If you were gay, you would know it and accept it.  It is the "catastrophic appraisal of the thought" that is leading to the anxiety you are feeling.  You need to get some professional help to break this cycle.

[bennythejet]

My mind is telling me that now im just repressing everything? I forget how feeling attracted to someone feels now? is this normal im freaking out!

[bennythejet]

Okay I simply can not do this anymore everything i had to look forward to is gone. I dont feel anything anymore and I foget how it feels to be truly attracted to someone because now all i get is anxiety around everyone and every time i think i see an attractive girl ill say wow shes attractive and then think im forcing it. I just cant believe everything was so good a month ago where i just got into college but of course i wondered if what i was going for was really for me? and then asked myself who am i? Could I be gay? wtf is wrong with me i want to go back to before when i knew for sure who i was and i really need someone's help and i need a reply soon. I dont think this is ocd anymore because my anxiety is gone.

[Justaquestion91]

mate. Let this be the only thing you need to read.

I'm gay. And I didn't ever NOT know I was gay. At 15 I knew I liked men. Also if you think about it. Wats happening to you is like -the reason you are thinking about it constantly is because you don't want to be gay. Then you convince yourself these intrusive thoughts mean you are gay. But really it's your mind telling you to think about it more. I scare you more. Is like reverse psychology on yourself

[bennythejet]

I dont know whats going on with me? Im just so scared i feel no attraction to anyone like i did before and thats frightening im scared that I'll never find another girl attractive or anybody for that matter? I hate my mind. I'd love for it to go back the way it is was before.

[Justaquestion91]

And Ben. OCD comes to a point where you pass anxiety and reach the hopelessness stage. I've been there and it caused me to almost break up wit my boyfriend. Stop thinking that what you do with your.. thing..means you are limited to what you can do in your life. At the end of the day - the only person stopping you being happy is you. Leave your sexuality on the backburner and Focus elsewhere. Sounds difficult eh? But only you know what you are and are not attracted to. Bt right now you are clouding your own judgement with views that your sexuality means that if your gay you need to slap on fake tan and talk with a lisp? No. I'm gay and I pretty much hate that sort of gay. And I went through an in denial stage. Not saying that you are. But now? I wouldn't change a thing. And I'm sure in a few years neither would you. Gay, straight, bi, pan or asexual. Just focus on a goal. And eventually male or female you'll, find someone you want to be with and you'll cease to care what sex they are.

[bennythejet]

And another thing that is really messing with my mind and i remember a time where i didnt worry about this at all not even in the slightest but i just shook it off my dad would drink and call me gay and stuff like that and that's really messed with me. I dont remember the old me and thats where i want to get back to but cant is this OCD or not?

[bennythejet]

Im so scared i am in denial and that my therapist will tell me i am and ill lose my girlfriend who i love so much and that doesnt make me very happy person.

[bennythejet]

No offence intended towards you or anything but the idea of being with a man as a life partner does not in any way appeal to me which is why im having so much fear because ill never be able to be with another woman again?

[Justaquestion91]

Ben. IF you we're gay. You wouldn't be questioning us as to wether you are in denial. Your question would be. 'Why can't I accept that I am gay?' - now it seems it would be ocd as this has all flowered from one comment your dad made. You aren't worrying about being gay. You are worried about how your dad would react, you just don't realise it.

And Ben? If you love your girlfriend. And want to be with her. Then why are you even worried?

BE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. BE HAPPY AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE.

[Justaquestion91]

None taken.

I couldn't see myself with a man at first. But I could never see myself with a woman.

If you can see a woman as a life partner but not a man. Then be with a woman. That's the dinky dory,

[bennythejet]

I know i love her. This didnt as you put it all "flower" from comments my dad said its simply because i was talking to a gay man? so none of this is logical whatso ever but it still won't leave my head so it has to mean something right?

[bennythejet]

You never saw yourself being with a women? Okay well I've seen myself being never married but with a woman i just dont like the whole divorce thing you would have to go through you know? I've had countless crushes on girls never a guy?

[Justaquestion91]

No. It doesn't. It's something you don't want to happen. And you are scared of it. But you can't push it to the back of your mind like most people. S the defence mechanism we have. As people with ocd is we analyse our thoughts and fears. And we try to find meaning. Sometimes there's no meaning other than we are afraid of some deep-seated thought or fear coming to light.

Ocd sufferers are their own worst critics - and their own worst enemies. We will always expect the worst. By never hope for the best. Because we don't see that.

[Justaquestion91]

Ben. How old are you and how long have you been like this?

[bennythejet]

I understand you probably have better things to do then talk to someone like me lol but the reason im so worried is that this whole thing has made me very distant from girlfriend and the fact that i do love her but still have this fear or whatever it is the reason im so worried

[bennythejet]

Im 18 and I've been like this for about a month and a half i guess? I havent be able to go back to work or be alone for that matter and I'm getting anxiety from just being around my friends? that scares me a lot im scared i wont just see them as friends anymore.

[Justaquestion91]

And that proves it sir. You are straight through and through. You are worried about losing your girlfriend. One thing that may cause that is you turning gay. Unlikely. Stop worrying. I know it's tough. Move on. Be with your girlfriend. Be happy.

[Justaquestion91]

I suggest visiting your gp and going for a course of cbt with a councillor.

[bennythejet]

Can someone actually randomly turn gay?

[Justaquestion91]

I certainly will not turn straight randomly. So no. You will not just randomly turn gay.

[bennythejet]

Because if that can happen they can randomly turn straight again?

[bennythejet]

I've never been diagnosed with OCD before, So how is it possible for me to randomly have this? its not so i dont understand my mind right now

[Justaquestion91]

Ben. You are grasping at straws and you need to take a breather. What I do. Is I stop. Close my Eyes. And let my mind go blank. And tell myself to think logically. I know you are looking for an answer. So I'll give you one. O. You cannot randomly turn gay or turn randomly straight. No. No. No.

I must sleep for work in the morning and its now almost 2am.

Any lat questions before I leave?

[bennythejet]

Just one sorry, can someone who thinks they've never had OCD before just randomly have it pop up?

[Justaquestion91]

There would be random ticks you have had before. When i was about 14 if I knew there were lights on in my house. Even if I couldn't see the. We trying to sleep. Did have to turn them off. I was diagnosed at 17. Go to your gp. Tell your gp. Seek cognitive behavioural therapy. IT WORKS.

[Justaquestion91]

Sorry auto correct. On my iPad. I would have to turn them off. Even if I couldn't see them.

[Justaquestion91]

If you really need to ask anything. Inbox me and I'll get back to you tomorrow. Goodnight.

[bennythejet]

Yeah i dont think i ever had any ticks even though i know i do have a social anxiety because i have to grab the back of my leg when walking through a crowd lol thats all im sorry im keeping you awake and thank you even though its still in my head i feel like i would never act on it. Always wanted to be and will be with a woman no matter what my head says

[bennythejet]

Do i even have OCD? There's no anxiety and I understand anxiety goes away but my brain is just completely confusing me and I fear that my therapist will say I dont have it and that Im just in some deep denial about this whole or Ill get the wrong kind of therapy as the therapy I'm getting now its simply just talking.....

[JGF25]

You said you are in college....go and make an appointment with a school counselor because you are suffering from OCD in my opinion and it does lead to increased anxiety and then depression when it is left untreated.  You just heard from a gay man what it is like to be gay and to know it and to accept it.  You cannot get more proof than that that heterosexuals don't just wake up one day and start liking the same sex and homosexuals don't wake up one day and and start liking the opposite sex.  Please, please seek help because this is completely treatable.  

Thank you justaquestion91....it would be great if you could hang around and possibly answer some other HOCD posts.  I think it holds more weight coming from a gay man than from a heterosexual woman even though I too had HOCD at one point in my life.  Thanks again.  

[bennythejet]

Im not in college yes i got accepted but cant go because my gf doesnt want me to that caused me a lot of stress and then that same day this happened to me? I know and it does help hearing its just getting so hard for me to fight this and I cant because my mind wont shut off.

[JGF25]

Stress sets OCD off....and so it makes perfect sense that your HOCD started when this big stressor happened.  As far as relationship advice goes, if you are not married to this girl then you should be in college.  If your girlfriend doesn't want you to go, too bad.  If you are in a committed relationship then you can continue it long distance.  My boyfriend way back when, cause I'm old, said he wanted to join the Navy but wouldn't do it if I wouldn't wait for him....I broke up with him.  I didn't want to be the deciding factor in what he did with his life.  It didn't work out for us but that is not to say that it won't work out for you.  

Try the "exposure therapy."  Each day go into a room, close your eyes and imagine yourself with a man and I bet that you will see that it is not for you each and every time.  Each time you do it, you will be taking the fear out of the thought.

[bennythejet]

I know I changed my college choice and picked one 30 minutes away but now the only stress I have is this thing and tbh I feel like its has turned me gay. I dont notice women like I used to and am constantly seeing if im sexually attracted to every man and get major anxiety from it? its scares me to think that I'm having this problem now its ruining everything I'm at the point where either my head shuts up or I completely shut it off. I've tried doing that it just causes anxiety and I cant do it for more than a few seconds without being repulsed by the idea but then again the repulsive feeling is going away so im done.

[JGF25]

The idea here is to become desensitized to it.  You want to be able to say "whatever."  You will be repulsed, then you will be "this is a flipping chore" and then "why am I wasting my time on this anymore?"  

[bennythejet]

Its defintely not helping I understand gibe it time lol but here's the thing I know how irrational this thinking is because i simply think I've turned gay because I was talking to a gay man?

[bennythejet]

Here's the thing I've read so many other things that says that the majority of HOCD suffers are themselves gay and just dont want to be so badly that they've made it up?

[bennythejet]

Explain why my attraction to every single female is gone no matter how hot they are? Im forcing myself to check everyone out and get anxiety from every single guy I see but every girl I see makes me feel numb?

[bennythejet]

I keep reading on this website called EC that HOCD does not exist? Im sorry if it doesnt then have I been living a lie?

[bennythejet]

When these people say they have urges or a wanting to do something what do they mean like I dont have those all I have is a fear I'm going to find a man sexlly attractive?

[JGF25]

Read below...this is what you are doing to yourself

Taken from the OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD that I always recommend but nobody seems to ever buy.  

Intrusive thought --> Catastrophic appraisal of the thought --> Increased anxiety and worry --> Overcontrol strategies which include Vigilence (Could I really do it? and Covert rituals (testing) --> temporary anxiety reduction --> The cycle starts over again.  

"Primarily obsessional OCD begins with an intrusive, distressing thought that the person appraises in a particularly negative way.  In the person's mind, the thought is experienced as having the same reality or importance as an action.  As a result, the person attempts to avoid or suppress the thought.  This leads to various overcontrol strategies to reduce anxiety, including mental rituals.  While these strategies may reduce discomfort, the effect is only temporary, and then the cycle begins again."

Internet searches are a bad idea when you have any type of OCD because your glass is half empty right now and so you are going to key in on all the negative things you read.  If HOCD wasn't real, why are so many people suffering from it?  You have only to look on this forum to see that the majority of the posts are regarding HOCD.  

Horrific thoughts are what we with OCD come up with.  Horrific in the sense theat they are life altering because let's face it, if they were not, we wouldn't be bothered by them.  

You don't have a good handle on OCD and what it can do to you and you obviously don't have a handle on how to help yourself.  You need to see a counselor or at least your general practicition at this point.  Second guessing, testing, all that stuff is only going to continue to make things worse.  You have only to look at the progression chart I posted above to know that.  AND you had a gay man chime in...what more reassurance do you need?  You are stuck in this cycle and you need to get out of it now so call your doctor.  

[bennythejet]

What are the differences between hocd or denial?

[bennythejet]

Why won't this go away?

[bennythejet]

I just can't tell what I am anymore.

[stressedashell]

Me too bro! I'm a girl and find the whole idea of being with a woman disgusting someone please help us both I wanna die in a hole!!!!  Like I know if a girl is pretty and stuff but I typically get jealous cuz I wish I looked like that. Then I wonder if I think she's hott? I get disgusted and then feel miserable. HELP!!! I'm fifteen about to turn sixteen this is not how I want to spend my birthday. Obsessing over this stuff!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!

[stressedashell]

Me to maybe with can both help the other out somehow except im a girl