It all started about three years ago when I was 15, I was really into girls and I would watch only straight porn and i never had a gay thought I was attracted to girls but then I started exploring different types of porn until I saw gay porn for the first time and I started having a downward spiral. I got hooked on gay porn I would watch it like I watch straight porn. I got aroused by both. But in reality I was always attracted to girls but now I feel like I corrupted my mind because I can't stop trying to convince myself that I am not gay and I always feel this anxiety because I don't want to be gay because I don't see my self with a guy I want to be the man in a relationship with a woman and I want to start a family but these thought torture me and my life. The thing that makes me think I'm gay is the fact that I never had a girlfriend or any sexual relations with a girl but I like them and am attracted to them and I see my self with a girl but in the other hand sometimes I am attracted to guys but it's just for a second then I come back to my senses because the only thing I find attractive on a guy is his butt but then I feel like the only reason I'm attracted to a guy is becuz I am jealous of him and his body because I'm not that great looking and I don't like the way I look. So I actually wanted to test for myself to see if I was gay so this guy I know in school was gay and I was some what friends with him but I knew he liked me but I wasnt really attracted to him and I really couldn't see myself with a guy but I was so depressed and pissed off at myself for having these thoughts that I decided to put them to the test to see of I was truly gay. So I called him up and he come over and we had sex and all the things I thought I would like I actually didn't like don't get me wrong it felt sexually good but in my mind I sort of felt disgusting and it actually hurt my penis to do anal. So I liked anal in porn but I actually didn't like it in reality so after that happened I completely hated myself so I only watched straight porn and lesbian porn and I got really into it so when I actually watched gay porn I didn't enjoy it as much so I went back to straight. But now these thoughts are coming back and now I don't know anymore what I'm attracted to but all I know is that I don't want to be gay but I don't know what is wrong with me I might as well just give up! Maybe all the porn corrupted my mind or maybe I am really gay I don't know myself anymore and I can't get any of this out of my head!
Dave, I think you should consider the possibility that you have HOCD. Here's why, because you had the thought, you tried it, and you realized you didn't like it. I'm far from an expert on the topic but it seems logical that one of the main things a gay person really enjoys is sex with someone of the same gender. I'm thinking that you can't be gay without liking that. And you don't, so there's that. But also, it's pretty normal to admire members of the same sex for their appearance. We are all visual and we appreciate things that we find attractive or beautiful. So you shouldn't feel weird about that.
I think you're normal to appreciate other guys for their appearance and I'm sure that doesn't mean you're gay. It doesn't sound like you're at all interested in having an actual relationship with another man, which is another key element for gay people to want.
Between the not enjoying sex with another guy and not wanting a relationship with a guy, I'm pretty sure that means you're not gay. I can't speak for you but purely based on the evidence I don't think you are. Try not to worry about it because you seem pretty normal to me.
Think about regular porn this way....there is always girl on girl action in regular porn because guys like to see it. If a girl is watching it and doesn't fast forward through that part, that doesn't mean she is a lesbian even if it turns her on. What is really the turn on is the sex, not necessarily who is doing what to whom.
You have tried sex with a man which is more than most people with HOCD do. You put it to the test and came up lacking interest therefore you are not gay. And don't think because you did test out the theory that you are gay because honestly when this OCD stuff gets in our minds, sometimes we will do ANYTHING to get closure because we just want it to go away. This is how I view your test...a desperate attempt to get closure on the thought. Sometimes it works...other times the "what-ifs" just keep coming and that is when you need to seek out the help of a psychologist. Sometimes we just can't get out of the rut of irrational thinking without outside help.
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