Do I have OCD (HOCD) or am I in denial?-I really hope it's not the later

[PatchedSoul]

Ok, I'm a 16 year old female heterosexual-at least I hope. And for almost the whole summer I've been having constant thoughts of being or becoming gay/bi. I find it terrifying to even think about being gay/bi, the idea disgusts me a little and just doesn't make me feel comfortable (no offense to gays or bi's). For my whole 16 years until earlier this summer (about the beginning) I have been 100% completely straight and never gave my sexuality a second glance because it never worried me or occurred to me I could be gay/bi because I was so sure of myself. Heck, I didn't even know the meaning of gay or bisexual until, like, 3-4 years ago, somehow I was really sheltered from that stuff even though my parents aren't homophobes plus I have a gay cousin on my dads side-but I didn't even know he was gay till about a year or two ago.  While I was In school it didn't even worry me and I had LOTS of friends and a small handful being 2 lesbian friends, 1 gay friend, and a few bi friends. A few of them I didn't know were bi or homosexual until this year-but it didn't bother me  because they never made me feel uncomfortable until late in the school year when I found out one of my friends ended up being lesbian hence the two lesbian friends I had-she was one of the two. She was a special case because after a while she did make me feel uncomfortable like in the way she would touch my leg, give me long hugs then slowly let go and bring her hands around to my front and a few other things. She Just didn't do these things casually like my other friends did and I didn't like it but I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I never said anything but I couldn't help but squirm a bit. Whether she knew I was uncomfortable or not I have no idea but she had me and my other friends convinced she had a crush on me and I know this sounds mean but that made me feel severally uncomfortable. But she's never touched me in inappropriate places but at times I was afraid she would try. After school was out I decided to tell her I no longer wanted to be friends and I told her the truth as to why. So now I'm a little wary around bi's/gays now. To add, I've also had a boyfriend before and I've kissed guys before. Ive found guys cute, don't get me wrong and I enjoy male attention but I just don't put myself out there enough so I've only had like one or two boyfriends. I've had several boy crushes and believe it or not my first one was in 1st grade. I've always looked at girls but it's always been because they were pretty and I wanted to look like them and sometimes I looked at girls for jealousy reasons or annoyance. But never because I found them sexually attractive. I even find it disturbing when I look at a girl and find that she's showing more skin than necessary, especially cleavage, I even hate saying the words boob or breast-I always cringe if someone says or if I say it or even type it like just now! I'm certainly not against going out with a boy, even now but I'm afraid that all this has caused me to lose interest in boys and I don't want that to happen. I'm afraid to watch movies or tv for fear of being attracted to the female actors and it's the same for when I'm out in public. This has caused me to pull away a bit meaning I've lacked in exercise and I've always been athletic, lack in showers and sometimes day to day hygiene, lack of sleep, more eating and I've been going outside less and less and I have always loved the outdoors as well. Sometimes it'll go down a bit but it's constantly on my mind and it's never completely gone from my mind. I want fool around with boys, fall in love with one some day get married and have kids. I just want to be who I've always been and who I want to be. I've talked to my parents two of my best friends and my grandmother and I've even prayed to God for help and asked him to help me remove this doubt. I just don't want to lose my heterosexuality-and I hope I haven't been living my life as a lie if I'm really not a heterosexual, I just I hope I'm straight. As of right now it's my number one, top most desire.

[PatchedSoul]

Thanks for responding, I really appreciate it. And I agree, I think it was for he best I decided to keep away and break off are "friendship" but I still felt a little bad though. I hope your right about everything I'm just so afraid of becoming gay/bi ya know? Someone who I've never been. It might be OCD/HOCD and I might go see a counselor, hopefully in the near future. You enjoy the rest of your summer too!

[PatchedSoul]

By the way thanks, for responding, I really appreciate it. And I agree, I think it was for the best I decided to keep away and break off are "friendship" but I still felt a little bad though. I hope your right about everything I'm just so afraid of becoming gay/bi ya know? Someone who I've never been. It might be OCD/HOCD and I might go see a counselor, hopefully in the near future. You enjoy the rest of your summer too!

[PatchedSoul]

I mean I've been told several times that you're born with your sexuality. And for as long as I can remember I've never shown any interest in girls besides friendships and I have plenty of friends of both genders. But it's not like you can wake up someday and boom, you're gay or bi or whatever, that's what people say and that's what Ive learned from online. But it's just like my brain puts all of that aside and makes me think there's a first for everything and that maybe I was born straight but am now gay or bi. My mind just keeps making me think I'm gay, like it's trying to convince me of something I don't want. Every time I see a guy and I think he's cute, I wouldn't mind dating him my brain just says "nope! You'd never be happy! Look at all those girls, couldn't you be happy with one of them? You probably would" and it just freaks me out and makes me feel so disgusted and anxious and then I'm like, well what if that's true!! No it can't be, I don't want it to be! And I'm constantly saying to myself, I'm straight, I'm straight, it's ok, I'm straight. I just feel so screwed up!

[PatchedSoul]

Thanks for responding, I really appreciate it. And I agree, I think it was for he best I decided to keep away and break off are "friendship" but I still felt a little bad though. I hope your right about everything I'm just so afraid of becoming gay/bi ya know? Someone who I've never been. It might be OCD/HOCD and I might go see a counselor, hopefully in the near future. You enjoy the rest of your summer too!

[sarah_lu23]

oh my god please don't worry you're normal.
you did the right thing by telling that girl you didn't feel comfortable with her and didn't want to be friends anymore.
the female body is something precious and that's why it shouldn't be showcased to the world.. just don't look at the stuff you're not supposed to see. (ex: cleavage, legs etc.)
you're not gonna be attracted to anyone you don't want to be attracted to.
life is full of hardships and this is just one of them.

again, don't worry. lots of people go through that stupid doubt and it would have probably never happened if you didn't know homo existed so.
i certify you're 100% heterosexual.

enjoy the rest of your summer :) xx