Hello everyone, I am new to the forum. Let me tell you a little about my past. I am a 25 y/o male. Back in March of 2007, my father passed away. Ever since then I have been in a dark fog it seems. At his funeral all of my family members ridiculed me over my weight. After that I becme bulimic, then stopped eating, took diet pills and exercised myself down 70lbs in 2 months. I did it because I felt an immediate threat to my life, even though my blood pressure and everything else was normal. I remember having what I think was a panic attack one day saying "I have to lose weight because I don't want to have to make anyone else go through a funeral." It was accompanied by a racing heart for no reason and crying (I was never one to really cry), which subsided after about 15mins. After reasearching some things, I am starting to wonder was this a health obsession? I would only eat salad, broth, drink a gallon of water a day and do n hour and a half of cardio routinely everyday.
Eventually that one went away, then I went through another stressing event in my life. In July of 2007, I became ill and had to have emergency surgery to have my appendix removed. Further down the line another life change event with graduating from college in December of 2007 and moving to a new state with my girlfriend. One night we went to be intimate with each other and I could not get started. I thought nothing of it at the time. One day I had a thought of male genitals that was disturbing and disgusting. Then the flood started. I wondered what if I couldn't get it up because maybe I'm gay (pretty sure I'm not.)? Let me tell you I have always hung around guys, but I seen them as friends and buddies I could drink with. I have never been attracted to them. I have always been attracted to females but was shy in approaching them. But when I looked at adult movies, I liked to watch girl on girl movies or girls by themselves (my apologies if that was too explicit). I have stopped watching porn all together for religious reasons. So these thoughts are constant as of now. I find that every day I read the same prayers in my prayer book and ask God and Jesus to take the gay thoughts and doubt that has appeared within me away. I can imagine the sexiest girl and when I get down there she ends up with both sets. Its like my mind can't distinguish anymore. As soon as it happens, I pray again. This has taken its toll on my life. All I do is sit around and pray all day (college grad w/ degree and no job). I am able to feel relief momentarily, but then sooner or later the "am I gay?" thoughts and the doubt come flooding back in. If I see an a male that I would consider attractive, I find I check myself constantly to see if I am aroused. Or I think to myself automatically "he is cute", then check myself. All I get down there is a tingling and the opposite of arousal. I do the same thing watching sports, automatically staring at genitals. Yet I only get a feeling of why the hell did I just do that? I do the same thing when cars ride by as I stare out the window. I look at each driver. I tried to test myself by saying I will not look at the next car that comes by. Sure enough as soon as I hear a car, what do I do but look. Also find that as soon as I get an e-mail bout a job or a voicemail, I automatically say I am not qualified no matter what it is. This stuff has taken over my life. I love my girlfriend to death and don't even know if I should tell her what is wrong with me or not. She tells me that I don't even smile anymore, but how can I when I worry about this 24/7? The best times are the first 5mins when I wake up. I look at her and tell her that I love her before the thoughts can start for the day. I also have frigid fingers, shoulder/neck pain and shortness of breath.
If it helps, I am the same type of person that cooks something, then goes back to check the stove 2-3 times to make sure its off, and checks the door locks and alarm 2-3 times. I just don't see how I can go from enjoying females and knowing that I am straight to seemingly questioning my entire past virtually overnight. It just doesn't make sense. But then, my post might not make sense to you, but thats just the state that my mind is in. This has been going on for too long and I am growing weary of fighting it mentally. It is taking a toll on my physical happiness and body. Someone help me.
I also forgot to mention that I thought to myself two months ago that my nephew (9yrs old) and his friend were cute kids and then spent the next two weeks wondering if I was a pedaphile. I know that one is non-sense because I would never harm a kid, but my mind wanted to question it anyway. I sure as hell hope I can go back to the old me that smiled and was happy. The fact that me and my girlfriend don't have sex alot even increases the "am I gay?" fear tenfold. This sucks.
Hmm.... First off most guys do go through a phase where they question their sexuality, that's totally normal. If you turn out to be straight, fine, bi, fine, gay, fine, no harm done either way, it just sounds like you have way too much anxiety and such over it and the view your religious beliefs make you have towards it is just making it worse. Also, I too have an eating problem, and most likely you're associating food/being fat with something bad (Like you said, other people going through another funeral, so you might be associating it with you causing other people suffering).
Also, talk to your girlfriend about your problems. She should be understanding and able to help you through it.
About the kid thing, it's normal to think a kid is cute. Not in a way that you'd want to do anything to them, but just cute. Like a puppy or a kitten or something. As long as it's not a sexual 'cute' then it's fine, and it doesn't sound like it is.
This might offend/anger you if you're that sort of person but try and take this advice, it seems like your religion is causing a lot of your problems, and magnifying the ones you already have. Just use some common sense and don't let the whole fear of sin deal freak you out too much. ; )
Also if none of this applies, forgive me, I basically just woke up. : P
Ah, one more thing. About the checking out other guys crotches, that to is completely normal. Some guys are actually checking stuff out, but most of them are straight and kind of 'comparing' I guess you'd say. I think it's from the whole obsession with penis size and such but I dunno. : P But don't dwell on it too much, it's fine.
I completely feel your pain. It's petrifying. The more you want to forget about it, the more it invades your mind and you can not concentrate on ANYTHING. I think this is paired up with major anxiety. I am trying to work through this myself. I just bought a house and switched my meds at the same time. Big mistake. I am in hell right now with the same "thoughts" as you. Maybe we have an imagination that is way too active! But I know how crippling it is. Just try to think to yourself, this is completely normal and everyone has these thoughts. Its just our heightened sensitivity that brings them to the forefront and makes us freak out. And talk to your girlfriend. I talked to my husband and it made me feel better. I am on this site often if you wanna talk.
I'm not an expert but...
You do show some strong signs of OCD, in that you have excessive worries (obsessions) about being gay or a peodifile (unwanted sexual thoughts), and you attempt to counteract this by excessively praying or by checking (compulsions) for temparary relief and you are aware that this behaviour is irrational. The obsessions do not mean that you are gay or a peodifile at all. People with OCD often feel extremely anxious about something and suffer with unwanted thoughts and engage in compulsions to try and cancel these thoughts out temparily. I strongly advise you go to a doctor and tell them about your concerns.
You also mentioned that you have suffered from Bulimia and Anorexia, which is common in people with OCD (probably because they are anxiety and compulsive disorders) as is depression, amongst other things.
Your fathers death probably triggered these anxiety disorders, and I also think that you should also see a counselor to help you come to terms with your grief.
I have suffered with OCD pretty much my whole life and i completely understand where your coming from. I excessively worry about becoming seriously ill, usually cancer or AIDS (although when i was younger, there a lot more illnesses i worried about such as rabies and even having a heart attack). I'll suddenly feel panic wash over me that I am seriously ill and will either count things, or repeat a certain action (ritual) or read or write the same thing over and over until it feels just right, to rid me of the worry (somehow these actions will stop me getting or having cancer). When I was younger I would repeatedly check my saliva (incase i was coughing up blood from internal bleeding) and check my pulse (incase i was having a heart attack and it had stopped beating). I was fully aware it was irrational but I couldn't stop myself - this would only make my anxiety worse.
I hope that telling you this has made you feel less alone, and also less ashamed. I know a lot of guilt and shame come with the obsessions and compulsions, and its hard to talk to people, and you feel the need to hide what your going through, even from friends and family. However, OCD is a quite well known disorder these days, so most people will understand. Also consider going to seek help from a professional; although there is no cure, therapy is usually effective. OCD can be managed and a therapist can help you to cope with your anxieties. A doctor will tell you more about this.
I found whatever you resist it will presist. I have suffered from ocd since I was a kid and I feel your pain it is horrible. unwanted thoughts are the worst its like your brain find the worst possible thing that could happen and shows it to you over and over and the more you try to get rid of it the stronger it gets like feeding it. I LEARNED LONG AGO to be still dont do anything breath and dont react to thte thoughts its just a thought . Then I go about my day if I was going to the store then thats what I will do and If the thoughts come again i dont fight it but just continue on listen to the radio read get on computer just dont feed the thought or let it stop you from your normal day. You know that it's nonsense in your inner most self the more you exercise the abilaty not to react to it it fades away....then it likes to change it up if that thought didnt upset you it try's to find something else that will again be still do nothing breath and go about your day. Also help another person that does wonders get out of your mind ! I hope that helps .peace to you
I have OCD myself, I have horrid thoughts that I am otherwise unfamiliar with pop into my head all the time. I never smile either. Yes I have depression. Yes tragic life events made things worse in my case or created new symptoms in one case. My "thoughts" that pop in there seem to be the main culprit. I do not have a relationship nor have had one for many years, but as far as I know, I did not have these odd thoughts pop into my head while in a relationship or with people. When I am alone I have many.
Anyway, I want to try to help here, I have a theory because I have been studying what I read, see and learn for years now and pieced a theory together that I believe may possibly be a fact. It is related to the spirit realm./spirituality/religion or the teachings thereof. From things I have read in Bible, and many many other sources including books on the spirit realms. Apparently, there is a spiritual war going on all around us here on earth. Earth is included in the whole realm, we vibrating at an energy in which we are not at the same vibrations as the other parts of the realm, thus cannot see with our eyes those things such as the spirits of dead. Apparenlty, those spirits which live on eternally, sometimes if they had earthly (low vibrational) desires still in thier thought vibrations upon death and will have kept those in the otherside will indeed KEEP TRYING TO INVADE DOWN HERE via our thoughts directly THROUGH our bodies.
This includes addictions and why we cannot control them yet we are perplexed at why we alone cannot fix something. Which is indeed why we need other's help and love to slowly or quickly help us change our thoughts whether intentionally on thier part or unintentionally, it takes the love and energy of others. Sharing info is one way to help as long as it is truth. I am stating that this is what I believe. Did you ever notice that even if you thought you hated someones existence, or that they were useless to you accept to make you miserable here, on the day of thier death, somehow you feel you are not complete, and are missing something? That was thier soul. Everyone has a good part of thier soul, and it is the lower spirit world who comes in and uses that persons body to spew negativity out of thier mouths, flood thier thoughts with negative things, and cause them to be addicted to things thus taking away from thier ability to love you. But when they are gone, the good part is taken too, and you then see the good part that was hidden due to the low spirits that invaded them. You may be fighting with a low spirit or many trying to use your body as a vessel to continue living life through your body. You must deplete them from gaining any enjoyment. This will take time as they keep fighting to stay and use your body/via the mind (i.e. energy). So.....I don't know the exact answer. But pretend you are a kid in your mind, listen to audio tapes with meditative messages that suit you. Meditate by deep breathing and feeling the air come into you and fill you and out of you, this will irritate the bad energy that might be continuously trying to invade you. Don't blame yourself. Just remember the laws of the land, rules and etc. and if something tempts you, I agree... meditate until it works. Don't let meditation irritate you either, just feel how good it feels to have deep breaths, it is healthy and will stimulate your health systems too over time. As far as doing things like looking at guys or whatever when you don't want to.... that is your brain/mind short circuting due to having created those lines of thought due to being bombarded too much by the low vibrating spirit world. I don't have the exact answer, those things are all I know about doing things we don't otherwise want to be doing. You may have to all draw your own conclusions or look into that theory. The Bible might help with some unearthly answers to these strange problems we encounter.
In order to progress forwards, sometimes you can only do this by going backwards. I had OCD and I was obsessed that everyone hated me because I was stupid and useless and incapable, so I became obsessed with planning how to make my life better. I wrote notes and note over and over again and in the end realised I never achieved anything by this. What i'm trying to say is, in order to break this, replacing the negative feelings/obsessions with something else won't make the problem go away, but to try to realise why the problems came from will. Your obsession sounds like it originated from a self-esteem problem. If you find you are having problems becoming arosed, it doesn't sound like your gay but because your worrying so much and have little self esteem, the worrying takes over which will knock your confidence, making you feel bad and deminishing your desire to have sex (sorry if that was a bit direct). Thus it sounds like (with the focus of your weight bad feelings about your weight being covered up with your eating disorders) and perhaps subconsciously you began to think "what else is wrong with me?" when there actually wasn't, ...
but because you may not have been sure how to address the self-esteem, this wasn't explored (I hope this is making sense without sounding preachy or like I know everything BTW, I don't, i'm just aiming to look at a way of exploring this in order to break the cycle of using compulsions to provide comfort). Anyway, its human nature to look at others comparatively. If you tell yourself not to look, you're going to because that is what will be on your mind: think about trying not to think about something will make you think about it more. This situation sounds like it is making you feel extremely uncomfortable and the only way to do this is really to think back to your weight issues and address the self esteem issues from the beginning. Talking it through with a counsellor may help you in this and in becoming comfortable in your own skin, the worries arn't likely then to affect your confidence, which then won't affect your ability to become arosed. Also, you could try to break the irationality to the situation by finding questions that can't be answered by your thoughts. For example, if your girlfriend didn't like the way you looked and didn't want you then why would she be with you? Therefore, if she likes the way you are, is that not all that really matters in that context? Sometimes, but not always, OCD comes from issues with self esteem and in dealing with the cause, it should eliminate the consequences, although it may also be helpful to reduce the intensity/exposure to the compulsion, and I agree with ManiacalPope that perhaps in looking to your religion in this, you are automatically saying to yourself that what you are doing is sinful (does your religion approve of homosexuality as I know of some that don't). Therefore, if your telling yourself your sinful and need to combat these feelings of being sinful by seeking forgiveness, you may be subconsciously telling yourself that you're gay, when from the sounds of it your not (not condeming religion here or anything).
Im not trying to sum you up, I've only gathered this from what you've said using my own personal experience, so please don't be angry or offended if I get it all wrong. I really hope you will be able to get through this. Speaking to a counsellor may help you seek the answers that you need.
Just to say, I'm not an expert, I'm just thinking people using this site are looking for answers and may need a different perspective. I'm just trying to help as best I can and I know I don't have all the answers cos i'm not an expert. I hope I havn't offended anyone. If I have, i'm very sorry.
I think first of all that it is extraordinary that you are so selfaware. The fact that you have to ask yourself if you are gay or if you are a ********* and the fact that you came and posted these concerns here are enough to tell me that you are neither.
First of all, if your gf loves you I know you should be able to tell her your concerns. Maybe you simply have ED. I do not think this is OCD in any way; but a lot of people who were bulimic have sexual problems.
Definitely talk to a doctor. the fact that you are worried about this makes you an incredibly strong and introspective person! your gf is lucky; but don't keep this sort of thing in anymore.
Also; I had a friend who had a gf for 4 years but used to look at homosexual porn- he never was even attracted to her other than her personality. I'm very sure you are not homosexual, but maybe your simply an open person and are bicurious? =) Best of luck!
I have the same problem, unwanted gay thoughts. I try to fight it, but it got so bad that i thought i was gay. Then i found out i had HOCD because i had all the syptoms. I am grosed out by these thoughts and i know im not attracted to men. But i still found myself trying to force sexual attraction on every woman i saw. This made woman seem less attractive, even though i was still very attractive. I would look at a hot girl from a distance and for some reason i couldnt take my eyes off of her. But this kind of OCD has efected me, because once it made me think i was a serial killer, i got freaked out, i judge everything i do now to see if it was done in a gay way. So dont worry you dont have it that bad, your not gay im not gay, thats it.
ps. i always loved girls more than anyone i knew and guess what man, i couldnt get it up the first 2 times, it didnt bother me until later. But i think it was because i was so nervous. But now it works everytime.
hello there! yes i suffer from HOCD too. i have always been straight all my life (i'm a girl by the way) and i went to college to play soccer and half the girls on the team were lesbian. i don't have a problem with people who are homosexual or anything and it never bothered me until that ONE day. i was finding out that more and more girls were lesbian at my college and the thought came to my head, "What if I'm gay?" It FREAKED the living hell out of me. The thoughts bombarded my head for days on and i tried everything to get my mind stop thinking about it. i was so scared and i would sit and cry about everyday. I have a boyfriend and i tried to tell him about it (before i knew what HOCD was) and he was a bit freaked by my behavior and thought that i was lesbian. Of course i know im not and i reassured him. I haven't talked to him about it since. However, the day i learned about HOCD i felt so relieved that others were going through the same thing i am. The thoughts aren't as bad anymore, but I still do not feel comfortable hanging around my friends that are girls, because i'm constantly judging my thoughts/behaviors whatever. I know i need to go to therapy, but i dont' really know how to tell my parents. What I can tell you, is just when you start having these thoughts, are just to think "they are thoughts-nothing else-they do not control how i really feel." Just know that it's not really you it's the OCD. hope this can help sorry i shared my life story. ha
By the way - There was a study done on a group of over 100 diagnosed OCD people with a control group of over 100 "normals." Each one was given a list of "thoughts" (written on paper) and they were asked to checkmark the thoughts that they had had.
Among them were, "I want to kick the baby like a football" and "I wonder what its like to eat human flesh".
The OCD people checked ridiculous "thoughts" like these. But guess what??
So did the "normals"! There was essentially no significant difference between the 2 groups. With OCD, the individual obsesses on the thought and it causes distress - but other people (without OCD) have the thoughts too. Don't feel alone. You're not weird, just in need of some Prozac (which worked great for my OCD)! :)
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