I have recently been concerned that I have ocd. I have questioned it before.
Well, Lately I have worried that I am transgender, It is very crippling, I have recently come out of the closet, and
I was online and read a story about someone who is transgender.
I asked myself, "Am I?" With no real basis. I quickly dismissed it and went about my life normally.
About 2 weeks later, It popped up in head. "I could be trans." So in order to satisfy my need to stop the question, I researched it more, freaking it out the more and more I read about it. I have had no thoughts even close to a transgender person, Yet, I keep asking myself this, Images pop in my head of me being a girl, of me trying on womens clothes, of telling everyone that I'm trans, of me going to school as a girl. I was literally almost thinking of trying to do those things to test and see if I liked it. I keep looking through my childhood every second to see if I have any "signs" and find just about nothing. Except for like one things that keeps scratching me, I remember a dream when I was like 4 or 5, I was black girl in my dream, I was convinced I used to be a black girl and turned into a white boy, telling my whole family this arguing that I transformed into a boy. I've never crossdressed, nor have I had any prior urge to do so. But the image or thought of "I'm trans." I have been looking at women and seeing if I am jealous of them, I out on nail polish to see if I felt better, (Not really) I named myself a girl name to see if I felt better too. I didn't feel better, I just freaked out because I felt nothing, that I was "comfortable" in them. It is very disturbing and causes alot of anxiety. Which I fuel with more "testing". It was enough I found out I was gay. This is not helping me at all. When I am calm though, I KNOW that I am not trans. But I still get these thoughts.
I look back, I have ALWAYS have had intrusive thoughts like of inappropriately touching a child followed by disgust and fear I actually wanted to do that. And I had a perpetual fear of the end of the world for years, I would feel better If I went to church, I would pray all the time, I felt that If I did not repent, go to church, and do absolute good I would burn in hell. I have a pet, I always put her up at night, I check the fence in a specific order for holes so she does not get out, and If I don't I have to get up sometimes to go outside and check, even if it is freezing. I always have strange images run through my head of inappropriate things of violence and they scare me and make wonder if something is mentally wrong. I read heavily in Astrology, read into my horoscope, and try to follow it to make my day better, and for a long time I had this "karma" thing where If I did something wrong, or did not do something like return and item or leave a penney, or pick up trash If I saw it, I felt like I would get bad karma, and would go out of my way to do something for good karma. My life is literally filled by things like this, I realize. What should I do? I'm 17 and have been living with what I believe to be OCD without realizing it much, putting it off as worry wartness and extreme faith system. I have been able to live with it until now, where the stress of coming out had heightened my fears of being trans. I literally feel crazy.
Please please answer. I feel better now, for a moment. Before I start to question my gender, which I have never had a problem with in my life.
I'll try to deal with it, I've read through other peoples stuff about hocd and they sound us like me with this trans idea... and some don't get that they have ocd and keep arguing out of fear...
If someone answers, I'll try to limit my posts. I'm just... struggling and feel crazy. I feel depressed because I'm in love with someone who never love me, and this doesn't help me, plus fearing about the end of the world. I make really good grades in school, A's and B's, I'm a trained CNA, and training right now to be an EMT, just in high school, I have alot of other things to worry about, not this. I'm not trans. But somehow it creeps up on me every hour, every minute of everyday, and the only thing that calms me down is talking to him... and when hes gone I go back to panic and worry and depression. Man I hate this, I know I can get through this... somehow. It seems like there is no hope, I'll be alone forever, and somehow I'm convincing myself I'll be trans somewhere. Filling my life hell, that I will start to hate my body, begin to crossdress, want to take hormones, and I'm digging and digging somewhere in the past, I find plenty for gay, but like two things that are questionable for trans. I feel normal right now,
I say that just about an hour, in my depression, in my stupid harsh reality.
Then go back to fear and panic and worry about being trans, when I'm not.
Sometimes I prefer this ocd fear to facing my very real, very cold reality that I'm gay, and that the person I have loved for 3 years more than anyone will never love me, I will be alone for the rest of my life, I would rather be a women than this. Which scares me that I am trans. When I'm not. I would rather want to be a woman than cry myself to sleep for 2 years that I'm alone like I have..
I have alot more problems than just this ocd that is controlling my life right now. I'm going to bed, so I can wake up with the terrifying thought the second I wake up saying "I'm trans" and live my hell at school, heart pounding and almost passing out from looking at girls, seeing if I'm jealous, Trying on nail polish to see if something "Clicks", imagining myself as a women to see if I like it, and passing out instead of focusing on things I should. Arguing with myself "I'm not trans! Please stop!" and being okay for a couple of minutes, then somehow the thought comes back and go back to testing If I am when I'm not. Feeling insane and that I cannot talk to anyone without outing myself. I feel very alone, I want to end the ocd, but... for what? So I can go back to being depressed and feeling alone in another very REAL way? I have another ocd thought that crosses my mind of shooting myself while I'm arguing about being trans. The thought scares me and would NEVER commit suicide, and choking my pet.
Man... I'm messed up. We don't have money for me to argue to a doctor about all this, outing myself and feeling TERRIFIED that the doctor will tell me I have a hidden and repressed desire to be a women and diagnose me with GID instead of ocd. I KNOW I'm not trans. PLEASEEE ugh stop THINKING THATTTT!!!!
I live in two hells, my real one, and my made up one.
To everyone who has HOCD,
Read this, read this and KNOW you are NOT gay, KNOW that it could be ALOT worse. If I get through this, I will be posting on here for you guys, giving you insight from a REAL gay person. ocd is terrible, and I don't want to admit I have it, because I feel okay for the moment, until I wake up tommarow.
I'm really very sorry I vented on this site, I feel terrible, and like I can't tell anyone about this.
I'm right now convincing myself I don't have ocd, and that I'm really am trans, and that I hate my body and always have, That this ocd thing is just denial, I'm pretty sure it's not, but here we go again,
Another panicking, heart pounding, childhood searching night for me.
Hi there....you do have a lot going on. But I just need to clarify a few things. You are gay, you know you are gay, but you have not come out to your friends? You love a guy that doesn't love you back...is that because he is straight? And to top that off you fear that you may be transexual but you don't want to be. You know the fight alone regarding being transexual is enough to tell you that you really aren't...it is the same as the HOCD thought that people have.
I dig through my childhood all the time to see if I had any signs, and looking right for signs.
I'm pretty sure that I don't dislike my gender position or my body/genitals.
I KNOW that I am gay, there was no HOCD with that. I just know, took me a bit to pay attention to it because I've known for a couple of years something was up, and crushing on the same gender for years just... gives a alot of info ya know?
But, back to the trans fear, I look online ALL the time to see if somehow I am, I find little evidence and the things that scare me are almost ridiculous and unreal, I mean, I understand it's OK to take a little bit to analyze yourself to what's up, but after over a month of searching and searching, finding just about nothing, and STILL worrying about developing crossdressing suddenly if I ignore the worry, and scared that if I don't worry and search I will repress something, and develop gender dysphoria if I go on with my life.
It's ridiculous, I know it is. But I can't stop worrying, I have read alot online about people who fear being trans or gay, I read what they post and they sound exactly like me, they type all these irrational reasons that plague them, it gets in the way of life, some FAR worse than me and not even getting up, though for about a week I felt that way, but I decided to ride with the thought for a while agreeing with it like a parent does with a child claiming he can fly. It really improved it and currently I am able to live with it, rather than live by it. I stay as far away from it as possible, while maintaining a healthy "Worry" to make sure I don't repress anything about being trans. I still look at women and make sure I'm not jealous everyday, I still put on nail polish to see if something clicks, (well... I quit doing that, It was creepy to me), I was about to even go so far as to actually crossdress fully to see if I would like it, the thoughts still pop up when I'm feeling "back to normal" and it ruins my mood instantly.
Does this sound like Ocd?
I've read people with trans feelings know that they do, they have depression and anxiety about their gender unless they try to correct it. Alot of them have these feelings since a childhood, and even the ones who "come out" later in life look back and know something was up. I mean.. Someone can be gay or have ocd for years and look back and say "Oh yeahh, that explains it."
I'm not having any of those, I am for gay. But not for trans, yet I still worry I'm in denial and am repressing something or that as soon as I quit analyzing and searching for trans signs and feelings there are going to sneak up on me and make me realize I'm trans.
I've never been diagnosed with OCD by a doctor, But it really sounds like it. I have had ocd feelings for a while now, just not on such a large and scary scale as this, It feels almost like how I worried about end of the world, but this is a bit worse.
It does sound like you have OCD but honestly I'm not a doctor and so I really cannot diagnose you.
It sounds as though you have a pretty good handle on what to do for the most part. You already know that the trick is to not give into the thinking and just kind of adopt the "whatever" attitude. The less fight, the less the thought stays around. I'm not a fan of internet searches honestly because I think they just fuel the fire sometimes.
There is a bood you can get since you are not interested in therapy. It is called the OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking from of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. You can order it through Amazon or pick it up in a chain book store. I think you will find it helpful. It will give you coping strategies to deal with the anxiety you feel, your pounding heart, etc.
OMG...don't be embarassed. That is what we are here for. I always tell people that are embarassed to tell this stuff to a psychologist/psychiatrist that there is nothing you can say to them that they have not already heard before. You are talking to people that have had similar thoughts and even though they seem stupid to you, trust me, I've made up some pretty stupid ones myself...we are all in the same boat. :)
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