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Do I really have hocd or am I just gay?
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Do I really have hocd or am I just gay?

Here is my story. I've always felt there was something different about me. I watched Fairytales of the girls and guys and wanted that to be me. I wanted to be happy like my grandparents and find love like that and always thought its be with a guy. Infact, all of elementary school I had a huge crush on this one guy and wanted him to like me so bad so I could have the Fairytale. He was really cute too and I noticed that and liked it. However I've always felt looks shouldn't be a really big deal and it should be about love. So I trained myself not to really look at guys looks but their personality and stuff but always felt he should at least be attractive too at the same time. Well then that's how I did it and eventually stopped liking that guy in elementary bc I realized he would never like me back and if he did he would tell me but knew he wouldn't bc I wasn't really a popular girl. I was naturally a pretty eprain like my face but i was awkwardly skinny and didnt have the latest fashion haircut and clothes. This kinda grew a hatred for me towards guys bc he thought he was better. So I kinda fought back with this idea in my head that women are better. I felt all women were sexier and prettier and better looking than any guy and they must now down to us for that and be worthy enough of us liking them. It made me feel better thinking like that. At the same time bc of this I had real self confidence issues and tried to fix myself to get guys to like me for the next year which i would be entering middle school which meant new guys new people and i time to reinvent myself. i kinda obsessed over it and wasn't happy till it happened.  Well the summer before middle school(ms) started I went to a summer camp with my new look. At first guys didn't notice me and were going of course for the girls who were developed. I mean I didn't blame them bc that's what they wanted but it made me feel hopeless. I began to get jealous. I did make really good friends though but then I got jealous bc they were getting boys to ask them to this dance. An incident like this I'm now questioning if I was jealous bc I secretly wanted them to my selves or I was just jealous bc I wanted guys to want me instead of them. Well a guy asked me at a dance and I was so excited. He was cute and I got butterflies but after awhile it started getting awkward. Well this is another thing I'm wondering about now is is this bc it just wasnt it for us but that doesn't mean for all guys or a sign that I wasn't straight. Well I wasn't thinking that then but am now. So I went to ms and in 1 of my classes there was this really cute guy and I was set on him like I was with the guy in elementary. I wanted him to like me from first sight. He even seemed to like me but I couldn't tell bc he never said he did but everyone said he did. There were other cures guys but I wanted him. I wasn't really thinking about girls. Well we never came of anything so I just tried to forget about it. That summer I went to the Waterpark with my friends and we would try to look for cute guys. I wasnt as interested bc I figured like the rest it would come to nothing and they wouldn't like me like always. Well I had one bf in 6th but I didn't like him I liked his friend. But I still liked trying to see and flirting and stuff.
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1699033_tn?1405352675
Hi there.  Yes the website does x out certain words.  It does sound as if you have OCD/Anxiety but I'm not qualified to diagnose people on the forum so I'm glad that you have an appointment to see a psychiatrist. To me you are overanalyzing much of what goes on in your life and you need to learn to let things go.  Hopefully the psychiatrist can help you with this.  If they don't teach you CBT, then perhaps a psychologist is the way to go instead.  I actually needed both a psychologist and a psychaitrist so that may be what happens as well.   Take care.  
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I would only talk to cute ones though bc I felt like appearance kinda meant somethjng. Sorry this is long...anyways. My girl friends would always talk about how hot some guys were and how they just got his omg feeling. Well me...I hadn't gotten an omg feeling Exocet for those two guys. I mean I thought guys were cute but it didn't seem like the way they were making it seem. I couldn't understand why they wanted to say that and felt that strong. To me i needed to like his Personality too and get to know him. I'm kinda shy so I figured that was it. But now looking back I think it was bc I was gay and didn't know it. Well then in 7th there was a new guy...he was country and kinda reminded me if the notebook. I was like omg in love thought he was so cute. Everyone said he wasn't that great but to me he was so cute and just something about him. Well he ended up liking my friend who every guy liked and I was jealous bc I couldn't understand what was so great about her. I was just as good. However at the end of that year we dated and he was the love of my life I felt like. I dated two guys before him one being really cute and the other ehh but had nothing with them. I just liked them bc they were popular I think and lonely...well I'd hope with them a connection but it didn't happen. Well back to the other guy. He made me so happy and I was so happy I got the guy of my dreams for once and would have fantasies about me and him. However I pictured myself somewhat as another girl...like my feelings and stuff but I created myself how I thought was good. They were amazing and I'd fall asleep dreaming about him too. He was my first kiss. I would wrap my legs around him and feel so comfortable. We would make out and it felt good. I got to know him and I loved him. His older brother had a gf in high school and she was so goodlooking. I obsessed over her and tried to be like her...now I'm wondering if I wanted to be with her...? Then I dated him in 8th grade and that's when the thought came...I had been watching a bunch of lifetime movies and the sex scenes in them had me going....even ones with a girl and her step dad and stuff...I felt aroused by a lesbian one but it felt weird at the same time? I didn't think this was normal so I kinda freaked but shoved it away..then I tried to understand why one of my exes liked the girl everyone liked bc I didn't understand. I felt like I had the power to understand and think like a guy could on how he looked at me and felt sexually attracted so I thought I could do the same for him but with her...I stared at her in class and focused on her boobs and butt and started thinking like a guy like ohh I like that and stuff...this freaked me out...bc I wondered if those were actually my thoughts or I was making them up to figure out an answer. So I went home and tried to ignore it bc I know if I get myself worked up enough about something I'll eventually think its true and panic bc I've done it before on tons of issues. I couldn't stop thinking about it though and kept saying maybe you're gay...you're gay...you know it bc you're doubting it...you must be.. eventually i panicked and felt like i was.I But it didn't make sense bc just the other days before I was so set on my bf and happy about us and loving him. I then felt like I had to figure out for sure and thought about my past and my relationships with boys and my friendships. It only made it worse. I thought it might make me happy and realize I wasn't but it did the exact opposite. I automatically thought how am I gonna tell my parents I got to now bc all of this idk what to do. I couldn't sleep. So eventually I woke my parents in the night and told them. They were confused but not mad. They asked well are more sexually attracted to women or men. That questioned confused me...bc I wanted to do stuff with men And have a relationship with them but I felt women were better looking than men. It makes me feel good thinking that. So I told my dad guys bc well I figured I must truly be straight bc of that. But it didn't make me feel good and I still felt doubt. So my parents said ok...so what. Stop thinking about it and go to sleep. But it wasnt that easy. I felt like I couldn't stop thinking about it until I proved I wasn't gay. I didn't want to be. I wasn't afraid about what they thought bc they obviously didn't care but I cared so much about my bf and his feelings and knew me being gay would only hurt him and me bc I felt I had lost him. So I kept thinking about the subject for the rest of our relationship. it effected me bad. i felt like icouldnt like him anymore. i felt i was sexually attracted to girls i had never thought about stuff with. i couldnt change anymore or see them change anymore without feeling somehow i was aroused and that dreaded me bc it was so confusing and didnt make sense. I was thinkkng of every possible way i might be gay and might do somethjng gay every minute. i didnt want to be ao bad. i knew i loved my bf. i couldnt sleep at night...night is and was the worst. school was hard to focus on. my bf and me was hard to focus on...it made me nauseous thinking about it and would throw up or feel like I would.
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My parents told me to calm down and that it was a good sign I wasn't gay but somethjng inside of me was saying I was and it wouldn't make me feel better. The whole experience kinda made me less prejudice about gays to bc I realized nothing is bad about being gay and didn't feel people should be made in of it. I was sensitive to the subject when people would bc I thought they were talking about me. That makes me feel weird typing right now bc even though I thought I was apart of the gay community I did not feel somewhere deep down that I wasn't bc I felt I was gay. But then again somewhere it seemed deep down I wasn't. But then I wondered if that was just denying it and I took off with this idea and convinced myself that I was just denying and it made me panic. I was like omg what do I do? I've never felt this way before. Well eventually me and that guy broke up before ninth grade and I feel like it was bc of that and I felt guilty and wanted us to get back bc I really couldn't let go of my love for him and was upset I let this whole thing get between us. There were times in our relationship where I wasn't as panicky but I was constantly thinking he thoughts. When I was with him though something's I'd forget and enjoy my time with him and it'd be pleasant but hen somehow I'd remember and it'd all come back.
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The dread. I felt like my sexual desires were drained. Then ninth grade came and I was doing the same and panicking. But eventually I calmed myself I wasn't. However I started to obsess about my relationship with my ex and wanted him back. That was all I could think about. I missed him and was lonely so i started to like an okay looking guy to just have sexual stuff with to cure my lonlieness abut it didnt work..shocker. i didnt have sex with him but we did everything else. i just couldnt connect with him. i think it was bc i had already planned it in my head that i woukdnt...but right bow im doubting that and saying in my head bo it was bc you were gay. it ended though but i may or may not have take a pucture before i knewbit was against the law and freaked iver that and obsessed about that and thought he would show poeple and we wouldnbother get arrested or be sexual perverts on our record and couldnt sleep at night. he was an *** sobi thougt he would. i was so freaked. also while i was dating him i kinda obssessed about hia cousin being posssed and couldnt be around him even thouhh i thought he was cute and secretly wabted to be with him. Then 10th grade came and while I still had those same kinda eh doubts I didn't think about them bc my mind was so focused in my parents divorce and becoming like my mom who has bi polar disorder with schizophrenia effects. I was convinced I'd be just like her and it made me sick to my stomach thinking about it and lost my desire to get married and kids and stuff bc I didn't want to put them throught the same stuff my mom did. I couldn't rest and their divirce really tore ne apart and made me kinda doubt love between a man and a woman bc everyone seemed to be divircjng and not liking eachother. i also stayed away frim peiple b i was wmbarassed they would find out about my mom and judge me. i lost a lot of friends and i missed them...which im now winderjng if i missed them bc i secretly wanted them to be with me.
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but anyways Eventually I got over it right before my junior year but then started obsessing over my ex again. Meanwhile my sexuality is still a doubt in my head but I'm not paying attention to it bc I know how bad it would make me feel. So I meet this guy in my anatomy class 11th grade year and I like him a lot. He is way different than my usual type of country guys. He wasnt popular but wasnt like weird awkward. He had a mysterious vibe and I loved it. I could tell he didn't have abs bc he was really skinny. but it didn't matter to me bc for some reason he still was really cute. Also abs really aren't that big of a deal...they are a plus and make a guy look good but I kinda like the v thing better And arm muscles to wrap me up...saying that I'm even doubting myself on if I really mean that even though I know that's how I felt and somehow still do think I feel that way deep down inside where it says I'm straight for sure. Well I  knew him from elementary to. He moved back. We got to know each other and I could just feel this connection. We'd flirt but wouldnt tell each other so it made me doubt he liked me but I kept trying bc my one good friend convinced me to. Well I had another BFF but them two were my only real ones. We did this lab thing in anatomy where we had to test sensory nerves and he did my neck and I just knew I would get shivers from it. It felt embarrassing bc I didn't want him to know but good at the same time. We got to know each other but he was so damn shy. I had to ask him to homecoming which i felt he should do. After homecoming we were on the couch afraid to tell each other we liked each other and I just wanted to snuggle with him like my friend and her bf were doing
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All these things gave me a relief of being gay. I thought I can't be gay with all of this. So I didn't worry about it. But he was so damn shy. Eventually we found out we liked each other and I had to first which made me upset with him. it really made me feel not loved. my other major bf was so open to taking charge and i liked that bc it made me feel like a princess. I really kinda lost interest in him but still felt I needed to give a try bc my friend kept telling me. I even had to initiate our first kiss bc he was to scared to...it made me made self conscious bc I wanted him to but he chickened out a few times and thought he didn't like me. Our first kiss was pretty okay...I say that now bc of doubts and I feel like I'm tricking myself. But then I was so happy we finally did we kept kissing and making out and it was so great. But still I kept thinking about my first love ex. I started to believe I secretly loved him and felt so guilty bc I really did care for my new guy and liked him. I felt so strong for him I felt it was live all over again. So I told him I did and he said it back if course it was real dramatic bc I was scared to get into a relationship bc of my past ones and my mom thing so I told him while breaking up but we got back together but from then on he wasnt the same. I felt like I had ruined him and he even told me I was to but picky and bossy. I was so hurt I couldn't really love him back but we both still did for some reason. Then my next most terrifying obsession came...*********. I was at my friends uncles house (who was so cute to and kinda felt something there for me anyway about being with him...I had a crush...now im doubting that but I could have sworn I remember that))with her and we were babysitting her little cousin and her cousin was a cute little girl.  Well just recently in my town one of my old best friends cousins had gotten caught for molesting 4 or 5 boys. I was so shocked and thought omg...well I couldn't understand why he would do that...? I couldnt stip thknkjng about it and automatically for some reason thought id obsess about it like the gay thing which made me thknk of it more and eventually did and kinda got scared. We had to give her a bath and well me with my special powers I thought I I should try to think of her like a ********* and if I could and felt something that meant I was...which was my thoughts about the gay thing with that one girl and I think that's where it came from was my other fear...like the gay thing I felt aroused and in a kinda sick way. I knew what I was thinking and felt down there and was so devastated. I sneaked away to sleep in another room bc I was scared. I thought I was gonna want to do the same stuff like the gay thing did which just made the thought more there and I panicked. I went to research like I did with the gay thing and I freaked and thought I liked only younger girls bc the ********* thing brought the gay thing back too at the same time. I was convinced I was. It then turned into my brothers friends who were boys so I thought I was an all over *********. Which I knew didn't make sense bc what I read didn't say they really liked both and that it was rare. But then again I used the while thing my dad had said to me for the gay thing you can't believe what everyone says and puts on the Internet so I freaked again. Even though this was from Wikipedia and other sites. I convinced myself I was a ********* and again panicked to my dad. He tried comforting me tell me the whole fact I was disgusted by it meant that I wasn't. But I didn't believe it. I knew what I felt and my doubt was so strong. I was so confused though bc I didn't want to do something with a child bc I felt it so wrong. They can't choose anything. I was so convinced though bc then that would explain something in my childhood also that had given me much panic in my elementary days that I had been harboring all through middle school and high school. When I was 6 and a half I was curious about sex. However I thought it was such a bad thing bc my parents of courses told me like any other parents and I became obsessed about it and eventually felt I had to do it or I wouldn't be happy. So I tried to think of who. I thought of a boy at first but thought none liked me and didn't know any time I could. So then I thought of girls. I knew they wouldn't bc like me and how I would feel if they asked me before I obsessed about it would feel weird an say no. However there was a step cousin of mine who was kinda gullible and thought I could like pretend sex bc I didn't know exactly about it. I asked her and and she said she would. I felt it was a kinda ehh answer though but I felt that bc I myself kinda felt eh about the situation. I was of course the girl and told her to be the boy bc I was the dominant one of our friendship. I would pretend like I came home from a long day and she's pretend to like me and want to have sex with me like I thought boys wanted and wed take our clothes off and kinda just lay on each other and caress our fingers down each other bodies but not butt or boobs or butt. Just stomach and sides and we would kiss but it felt weird a lot so I would try to avoid it. It felt kinda cool and made me feel liked for once but i knew it was a pretend and didnt really like her and vice versa. i would infact if i rememeber clearly tried to picture her as a boy to make me feel better. Eventually I started to just do it back was afraid if I didn't she would tell on me and I would get untroubled bc I felt like I had pushed something that wasnt really what she wanted. I didn't really want it either but was afraid if I stopped I'd want to again and freaked about it and couldn't sleep even at that age and felt guilty about it. I finally told my mom in 3rd or 4th bc it got to me then bc I had found out about gay and lesbian people and thought bc I did that I was secretly a lesbian
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So the doubt started even way back when. And followed me to middle school where it got worse and now. Well back to the ********* thing I was so confused about it and didn't understand what was happening if  I felt so real that I was and my dad could see I wasn't. So he researched on somethjng he had heard before. Sexual obsessions. Which can occur in people and most people it occurs in are people with ocd. Well when I read this at first I didn't feel good bc I thought I had not really had a previous history of ocd bc I thought it was just people who were clean freaks and annal about stuff. Which I was annal about a lt of things or it bothered me like schoolwork or art stuff but I thought that was normal. But I kept read and it sounded so mug like me.it even talked about the being gay. And I was so relieved that somehow the thing my dad said about how pedophilea like how they are feeling stuck with me so I was ok. But my relationship with my current boyfriend was pretty bad bc I was spending so muh time on this. I thought it was him. It was but me too. But I didn't realize that then and jought I missed my ex again and I really wanted hkm and that's why we weren't working out. I even eventually told him the summer before my senior year which I am in now. I felt so bad and didn't understand my feelings at all. Eventually I realized I didn't really any my ex just wanted what we had with my current guy bc I really liked him so bad and wanted it to work and would feel guilty if I let another obsession get in the way. So we got back together and I wanted to have sex to show him how much I loved him and was ready to lose it to him. However he was just so torn by it all that he wasnt into it and could tell he really didn't want to be with me which I hurt. But I was separate to make it work so I stayed with. He became an *** though and blamed everything in me and said I would never be happy. I was so upset I kinda lost interest in him but that made him want to be with me I guess more and he started trying to I thought I should give it a try b. I cared for him so muh and continued to but just couldn't. For some reason I had had a block. One of the the things I blocked was for awhile in the beginning of our relationship once we got close our sexual relationship was wild we were ding stuff all the time and I taught him how to finer a girl and it was awesome and I would just get caught in the moment. He told me that it was becoming to much and it kinda put a damper on my confidence and wanting to be with him bc i fekt again hey we women are the sexiest bc it made me feel good. It made me lose some even less sexual drive than i had lost from the ********* obsession.
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Well not anymore...I had to think of sex scenes I had seen before in movies and stuff to turn me on. But I thought everyone did that at some point in a long relationship. Then I got addicted to porn to make feel better bc I couldn't deal with mine and his relationship. It was all straight porn but of course they focus on the girl. Well I didn't pay attention to this really. I thought about it a little but ignored it. I enjoyed it. But then he noticed what I was doing and said I was wrong and that he had no problem sexually being aroused by just me...this made me freak instead of feel good bc I thought omg somethjng must be wrong. Right I must be attracted to him if I'm straight and then thought back about the porn and convinced myself the reason I liked it was b it focused on girls even though I purposely tried to find ones with cute guys bc I felt it was weird if it had a "hot" girl and a weird looking guy or old man. I tried to look for younger ones but it was hard to. So I just kinda enjoyed it and like looking at the penis entering the vagina and thinking about how the guy liked it while he was watching it. It made me feel sexy bc I would somehow think I was them or pretend he was with me instead and it would get me going. But I wasn't looking at his body though so I thought I know I'm not sexually aroused by men's bodies and ever since then convinced myself I'm not attracted to guys sexually. I'm even now saying I'm gay bc every time I look at girl I look now at her butt or boobs and don't mean to and it freaks me out bc I feel like it must mean I'm gay. If not that I think about it purposely to see if I would like it to see if I'm truly gay and somehow end up do liking it even though I wasn't really trying to before. I feel like I
It's be gay to bc of the thing with cousin it wasn't me wanting to be a ********* from a you g age so what I liked was that it was a girl even though I swore it was just to get an idea of sex to calm my sex obsession. I think now all my relationships I didn't really like them and I was forcing them bc that's what my mind says when I try to say its hocd but it doesn't want to think that.
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Tonight I just said you know I'm gay and that's it and i just be happy which it kinda made me happy bc I feel he only way ill be happy is to go with these feelings and doubts and trust that's why and I've convinced myself is be happy with a girl bc I don't discriminate against same sex relationships and find them beautiful bc I feel like I a didn't I'd be kinda hateful. So bc of all that I'm okay with being gay. I mainly  feel like I am bc of  this doubt telling me I am and that I really wanted a woman and I'm more sexually attracted by women based in how I've reacted to my thoughts when I questioned them and I've always secretly liked women but wouldn't admit it to myself. But still I'm nt happy because I'm confused bc its seems so much like hocd which my dad keeps telling me it mainly is from what he knows and sees. But I don't know if I'm just saying that bc of my dad or bc deep down I realize no this ocd. But at the same time I feel like I am gay and it hurts me nt knowing. Like all I want to do is be happy. I will say event bough I feel like I can and it would make me happy with being gay I still feel somewhere that I'm not but wonder if its just bc I'm in denial. But hen again idk if its hocd bc I feel like If it was I would be more disgusted by it which I was I. The beginning but now it seems like that does no good so I should just give in? Idk what to do? Does it seem like hocd? Secretly I hope it is so I won't have to deal with being gay even though I do t have a problem with it but somethjng about it doesn't seem right..but maybe that's denial blah I'm so confused. Oh and by the way I am a female. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to help too. And for some reason it keeps bleeping out the word that has the definition of a person who like children sexually...probably for people that might spike...I am so sorry if it did for anyone! Sorry for all the post too if it annoyed anyone. I really am. I hope I didn't.
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Hi there.  Yes the website does x out certain words.  It does sound as if you have OCD/Anxiety but I'm not qualified to diagnose people on the forum so I'm glad that you have an appointment to see a psychiatrist. To me you are overanalyzing much of what goes on in your life and you need to learn to let things go.  Hopefully the psychiatrist can help you with this.  If they don't teach you CBT, then perhaps a psychologist is the way to go instead.  I actually needed both a psychologist and a psychaitrist so that may be what happens as well.   Take care.  
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Thank you jgf25! I'm going to. I Fairfield it is at the moment bc I've kinda stopped myself from trying to panic bc even though I "came out" to my dad it didn't feel right so I knew something must not be right so I just kinda calmed down and I'm seeing a little clearer today and it seems a lot like hocd bc once I calm myself and just kinda force myself to realize this the gay thoughts go away pretty much and my fear is like capped. I feel like its a geyser if that make since...like its there but I just let it go bc I know if I keep worrying the pressure will just get worse and it'll do no good in the end. Of course I feel better today but I've prepared myself to know it might not be like this tomorrow or so on. I'm kinda excited to see someone to help me if this is it or of if it might be something else I'll still get help. From what I've read the fear will never truly go away but it'll feel more comfortable and it won't take over your life. I hope I can get there. Again thank you so much and I'm glad I've found this site bc I've always felt kinda embarrassed bc I thought I'm the only one. Thank you!
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*feel fine not Fairfield it is
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Tonight I woke up in the middle of the night bc of stomach aches from somethjng I ate.. Well I couldn't fall back to sleep so I just played some games on my phone and put the tv  on for background noise bc it helps me fall asleep. So eventually I got tired and somehow I guess I fell asleep. But my dream was me laying down in I think the same stuff I'm wearing now? I can't remember. Crazy how dreams are forgotten that fast. Well in the dream I was mad and i was mad bc of my hocd? This is the first time I can recall dreaming about this issue...infanct I don't ever remember about having a gay dream with another woman? Well anyways in it I was mad bc I hadn't sexually pleased myself in awhile bc of my problem and felt like I wanted to. Well in my dream I was worrying about if I even had  HOCD (which I thought I had but this dream freaked me out) bc I thought me wanting to sexually please myself meant I was sexually frustrated and then that is usually a sign you are gay from what I've read And you can't really have a good sex life. So this freaked me out in my dream but for some reason I was still like "eff it in my head I'm going to do it anyways bc I want to orgasm" . then i felt like me in my dreams was okay wuth abd started thinking about girla and felt ruened on but i still felt panicky bc i didnt know what this meant. i knew what ot meant. it must mean im gay and freaked iut bc this cant be but its like i couldnt control it. even though I didn't want like (I felt my feelings in my dream and be like first person and then it'd be like I was watching myself like a third person thing...anyone else have that?) well then in the dream I heard my dad about to walk in so I pulled up my pants and didn't. The dream felt so real? Then the next minute  in the car with my dad and I'm talking to him about what i almost did earlier in my dream and he is telling me don't panick bc I am bc in my dram I said I knew I was gay but then I panicked bc this didn't make sense. Well I guess my body could feel my fear and anxiety and I woke up and for a second thought all that happened but I knew and figured it was just a dream. I was asleep for an hour. And I'm writing it now while I remember the dream. But now I know for sure ill remember. And it's scaring me? What does this mean? Does it mean I'm gay? I'm so worried. I was doing so good today. I mean I still could feel the intense anxiety and had some thought but I was dealing and felt for sure I was straight again bc I was realizing it all was hocd bc I was doing everything I've read about hocd. But then this dream? I feel like it means something? I'm so scared. In real like I've never felt the way I did in the dream. I mean I've masturbated even though I had the obsessive panicky thoughts  bc I was sexually frustrated I couldn't feel good about stuff with my boyfriend or comfortably with porn without freaking out. I thought about girls in these and they freaked me out and of course I felt aroused but it was like a what the **** bad feeling. I heard its called a groinal response? Is this true? It happened with me with the children thing too when I tried to masturbate then. I've always felt good about my sexuality being straight bc ive had straight dreams and straight wet dreams...but this one was like idk? It was weird and unusual than before. Please tell me something? Is this normal? Does it mean I'm gay? I'm worrying it does! :( I don't want to be gay. I was feeling so good about me being straight before I just woke up from this dream or well I guess nightmare bc I'm freaking!!!
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Also I'm rereading what I put the other day and what I meant by, " I felt happy saying I was gay and was okay with it," was I was so frustrated arguing with myself that I thought it must be denial and the only way ill feel happy is if I said I was gay. So when I told me dad that that was it and me coming out for the "final" time I felt a hopeful happy that what I was going through was just denial and ill be happy with myself and deal with everything. But that wasnt the case and is still fry confused and something in me deep down was telling me my true self is straight. The part which doesn't give me anxiety. But then I get anxiety thinking about how that feeling doesn't make sense with all these other feelings I'm having by these thoughts. It's panicks me and confuses me. The thoughts and feelings. Coming out didn't make me feel happy or for sure I was gay. Infanct it just made me more confused and panicky and feeling like I had to write on this forum to get some feed back? Is it common for people to feel like they have to come out and so with hocd. If so is it the same feelings I had. I thought it would be happy like all the stuff I've read from gay sites but it wasnt. It still made me feel confused and distressed. I can't stop thinking and feeling something is wrong and that wrong thing is I'm gay. But then again I'm not homophobic and think its wrong for others to be gay. I just don't want that for myself. Blah.
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In my dream I felt like I couldn't stop what was happening. I would think this would make me realize it was a dream but no. It felt so real!! I'm stressing. Is this just hocd?
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Hi there....when we are asleep our subconscious has the reins.  It is almost like our guard is down and whatever is bothering us in the daytime, the things that we can fight, well during sleep we are not able to fight and so our fears show up in our dreams.  But you have to remember, they are just dreams.  I used to have dreams about the boogyman chasing me and no matter what I did my shirt always got caught in the door on the way out.  Obviously I had some sort of fear going on in real life but the reality is that the boogyman was just something my subconscious made up to mimic the fear I had during my waking hours.  Dreams are fictions and not facts.  The next time you are feeling like you are coming unglued try this breathing exercise.

Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth.  When you woke up last night this would have been a good thing to do.  Lay there with your hands on your stomach so that you can feel the rise and fall of it. Sometimes I say "In" and "Out".  Also, this technique can be done standing up, sitting down, and in any situation and nobody will even know you are doing it.  It really helps to calm you down so that you can think more rationally.  

Give it a try and let me know how it works for you.
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Thank you. I'll try that. It's just a bunch of things are confusing. Like I'm noticing even when I'm not freaking out about being a lesbian that I'm still checking girls out and seeing what they have. But I've always felt it was bc I'm just judging. I thought every human being did that with every person they saw. But now it's making me question that  I'm doing it bc I want to be with a female. My mind is even saying now "ooooooo you think she's sexy." Which like I do but like not in that way like I don't feel like I want to do  any to do stuff with them. I say feel as if anyone can say someone is sexy of any gender and not want to do stuff with them...is that normal and ok? But then when I have that backlash thought about me not wanting to in that way my mind starts saying "no you're lying, you wouldn't have thought that if you weren't. You focus on girls more because you want to be with one." But it's like I really don't want to be. but saying that now my mind is tricking me saying "no youre just denying and trying to convince yourself." i feel so panicky. my real question is is can hocd do this to you? like i know you cant diagnose me but does it seem like its hocd?  I know I get jealous of girls and I always thought it was bc I wanted to be better than them. But it's like I can't stop thinking I'm jealous bc I secretly want to be with them. Like I feel like if I really did I would have no doubt and not be panicking especially since the closest people to me don't care. But I don't feel that way so that's what kinda gives me some light it's hocd but its so confusing and hard to realize. Then I was reading on someone else's forum. It was something someone posted to them saying, " I don't agree with the rest that its hocd. I think you might actually be bi or gay and just be obsessed about it bc you have ocd,"...is that true? I thought people who have ocd about something bc it panics them? I thought you can't obsess about things that make you feel good? She said it was internalized homophobia that gays have..but I thought that was different" her thing made me spike kind of bc that person sounded like me and I freaked and thought oh no I must be gay....this *****:/ I know I've gone through these feelings tons of times with other issues but its like while I'm in this one none of that mattes. It feels so real:( I wish my appointment would just hurry up so I can get everything out with a trained professional:/ not that your advice is bad! I appreciate everything you're saying. I feel bad bc it's like my dad said is no matter how much people reassure you, it won't go away bc it's something that fearful to you that you need to face on your own and that's scary.
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Thank you. I'll try that. It's just a bunch of things are confusing. Like I'm noticing even when I'm not freaking out about being a lesbian that I'm still checking girls out and seeing what they have. But I've always felt it was bc I'm just judging. I thought every human being did that with every person they saw. But now it's making me question that  I'm doing it bc I want to be with a female. My mind is even saying now "ooooooo you think she's sexy." Which like I do but like not in that way like I don't feel like I want to do  any to do stuff with them. I say feel as if anyone can say someone is sexy of any gender and not want to do stuff with them...is that normal and ok? But then when I have that backlash thought about me not wanting to in that way my mind starts saying "no you're lying, you wouldn't have thought that if you weren't. You focus on girls more because you want to be with one." But it's like I really don't want to be. but saying that now my mind is tricking me saying "no youre just denying and trying to convince yourself." i feel so panicky. my real question is is can hocd do this to you? like i know you cant diagnose me but does it seem like its hocd?  I know I get jealous of girls and I always thought it was bc I wanted to be better than them. But it's like I can't stop thinking I'm jealous bc I secretly want to be with them. Like I feel like if I really did I would have no doubt and not be panicking especially since the closest people to me don't care. But I don't feel that way so that's what kinda gives me some light it's hocd but its so confusing and hard to realize. Then I was reading on someone else's forum. It was something someone posted to them saying, " I don't agree with the rest that its hocd. I think you might actually be bi or gay and just be obsessed about it bc you have ocd,"...is that true? I thought people who have ocd about something bc it panics them? I thought you can't obsess about things that make you feel good? She said it was internalized homophobia that gays have..but I thought that was different" her thing made me spike kind of bc that person sounded like me and I freaked and thought oh no I must be gay....this *****:/ I know I've gone through these feelings tons of times with other issues but its like while I'm in this one none of that mattes. It feels so real:( I wish my appointment would just hurry up so I can get everything out with a trained professional:/ not that your advice is bad! I appreciate everything you're saying. I feel bad bc it's like my dad said is no matter how much people reassure you, it won't go away bc it's something that fearful to you that you need to face on your own and that's scary.
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I'm sorry if I'm bothering you...I know I bother my dad a lot. Not that he doesn't love me. But he just gets frustrated because no matter what he says to calm me down he sees its still bothering me and I continuously try to talk to him. He said its a compulsion of my hocd...which by the way I know it's not a real med term it's just a nickname people use for a type of ocd bc it's more common than people realize. It's just like staing the community of people with ocd about being bit by spiders might all decide to call it spiocd. I wish some people would realize this when they try to argue that is not a real thing just bc it's not a real term. It is a real thing just not the term is technically correct. Sorry I'm ranting. It just bothers me bc I know it makes me freak out when I see that so I hope others will see this and feel better.
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Comparing yourself to other girls is all very normal.  I still do it and I'm 48!  We want to look as good as the next person.  You mentioned self-esteem before and perhaps yours is a little on the low side and you can work on that with the therapist.  

Don't listen to people who say that you might be gay or bi or whatever.  If you were, you would just know it like I said.  You wouldn't be sitting here second guessing and analyzing everything.  You will more than likely be diagnosed with OCD and this is what OCD people do unfortuantely when they don't have the tools to help themselves.  That breathing technique is one of the tools.  Also check out the book The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD.  You can look at it on Amazon.  You can even look in the book.  There is a section on HOCD.  Try to read it.  
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I'll try to stay away from here for a few days and let you know how the breathing thing goes. I hope it helps. I think I just need to "accept" it and the anxiety will go away and then I'll see that the anxiety and fear was what was causing the thoughts and not the fact that I am gay. That's what I had to do with the children thing and the schizo thing in the end. It's just scary not knowing how it'll end but I hope and somewhere in me knows that's it. Wish me luck.
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Sorry one last question then I'm gonna try for good. I just need to know this. Did you experience hocd yourself? If so at any point did you say to yourself you know you're gay for sure. I keep saying this in my head but I don't know if I believe it. I feel I do but then at the same time something doesn't seem right. But when i say something doesnt seem right about me not believing im gay in my head for sure, my mind starts freaking out and starts foing yes huh yea huh yes huh and i feel like i should fight but theb i knownitll make me unhappier that im fighting with myself and giving in. but is it bc im truly ok and want to be gay or is it im learning to deal with the fear and this is normal. when I try to hang with ex I feel like this feeling with him and want to go back to how we were but I feel like we can't. And i It's killing me bc I feel guilty bc he wants it too but I feel I'm leading him on bc I'm gay...well that's what my brain keeps saying though I want something different like be happy with him. Am I just trying to force myself gay or are these common hocd thoughts. If you had did you think these and feel this way. Idk what to do. I don't want to be gay.
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***I meant am I trying got force myself not to be gay?
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I feel like the only way I can be happy is if I'm gay:( I feel like I'm just trying to prove to myself I'm not bc I have some type of I ternalized homophobia. It seems like its is that. I keep telling myself it is that. But I freak out about the above.

I don't want to be gay but I feel like I am and there is no way to escape it. I feel like I am not attracted to my ex like I should be but I know at one point i thought i was...CAN HOCD DO THIS TO YOU? I care about him so much and jealous if he likes over girls and think he is cute but my mind is saying there is no connection bc I don't like him in that way. Is this hocd? I used to like him in that way!!! At least I think I did?....SEE I KREP DOING THIS KINDA STUFF. I KEEP DOUBTING EVERYTHING IN MY PAST AND TRY TO MAKE IT LIKE IM GAY. why:( i hope it hocd but I keep telling myself "no its bc i want to be gay and feel comfortable with it." I feel like all my thoughts must mean something that something being that I'm gay:( again does hocd do this to you. Please answer all my questions:( idk what to do anymore. I don't want to be happy with another woman. I just want to be with a man and feel like I'm a lesbian and enjoy it without the thoughts constantly making me guilty:( I want to be happy with him...please I feel it's hopeless to:( Everything that used to give me butterflies I feel like I can't do without second guessing "if I'm gonna like it?" Or telling myself, "no I'm not gonna like it," bc I've lost hope...I feel like its never gonna happen...I feel like I'm gonna be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I don't wanna live like this:( please answer and give me some hope. I've lost all of it. I feel like its so intense and becoming worse and worse. What gave me hope doesn't anymore and I feel like I need to give in. I'm wondering and saying Im forcing myself. In a way i am bc im forcing myself to be happy with aomeone I cohld have sworn used to make me happy. but then me sojng that makes me sound like i dont want men anynore and my head and is telling me and convincing me so much. i feel like i need to just let go of control and give in but i dont want to. im trying to hold onto the fact its hocd but i cant:( i keep thinking mh out everyday all day of All things that made me think i was hocd. saying im not gay doesnt give me comfort anymore. i have doubt times a billion. it used to in te beginnkng but now....i feel like ill never be normal again like i was. eveything i di seems like im gay. i cant get away from it....:(

Like I can't help my strong feelings towards My ex. like i want it to work again between us. It's so much more than a sexual attraction with me and him. He is like my best friend too. I love him. But i feel like its impossible. my mind is telling me I don't love him that way. I feel guilty bc all of this bc I know he wants me and him together but I feel like I can't bc of what I'm feeling and that I'm a lesbian. But I don't want to be. :( I just want to be okay with him. I don't want to put him through me being a lesbian. Like i know hed be okay and i would but like i dont want him to think of me as just a friend. i want him to know its real between us. i love him so much and this is killing me. i want happiness again:( im so depressed. I cant feel positive abiut my attraction to hom anhmore. im constantly asking myself, "am i feeling enough atrraction to him to the level I should be if I was straight...than a normal straight." "Should i be checking hkm oht more than i am?" and i always say no to myself and put nyself down:( i feel like i say no bc ive loat all hope and its hard to believe it hocd anymore. and i always say no bc i really have lost sexual desire...

but then i get so confused bc when im constantly checking out it im lesbian by thinking of me with a woman and dojng stuff and holding hands and cusdling with a girl my mind makes it so easy to syabyea thats what you want. but i have this urge to fight that and say "NO i dont. This isn't real just hocd" but acting that doesn't help:( I just doubt more

I don't  want to put myself through a lesbian phase bc I just know ill regret it like I did when I was younger. And feel so confused. I feel like I'd be emotionless and hopeless if did...like I'd just want to die bc I'll never be happy.

But I just have this feeling. I've never felt this sure I was gay before...:( is this me coming to terms and coming out. Please answer. Please. I feel like its just becoming more and more and scaring me. I was so for sure at one point it was hocd but still now it's like my mind is trying  to uncover and uncover and I can't see why it would do that besides me secretly trying to prove I'm gay:( is this all mind tricks. Does hocd do this. Am I alone on this and don't have hocd? Please!
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Please help:( idk what to do anymore. Please:(
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Like I talked to my ex and stuff about all the thins that make me seem like I'm gay and he was like look " everyone I'm guessing, at least I know I do and I'm comfortable knowing I'm straight, has had the same doubts and thoughts you have had and same experiences...many little kids have an experience like that with a person of the same sex. Only difference is that you obsess over them and insist they make you or you are something you're not. You don't feel comfortable with your sexuality which makes you freak out even more and think you are even more gay bc you have ocd about. You are constantly gonna have thoughts that make you go around in circles and believe nothing you feel that makes you straight is real bc then your fear would have nothing to use. That's the fear doing this not you're gay. You are so far gone right now bc of how severe it is getting that you can't see that." Is he right? I may have changed the exact wording a little different than he said but its the same principle and same kinda stuff he said. It made me feel ok at the moment when he said that but as the day went on it grew and grew and grew and now I'm here freaking.
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I did have a bout of HOCD and at the time I was married.  It was just one more thing in a long line of irrational thoughts I was having.  My sister who also has OCD admitted to me she too had this thought.  I didn't have it for very long because at the time I was on the nightmare superhighway of thoughts.  
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This one by far is my worst. However I say that now but when I have the other ones I say it to that too. I'm better now. My mood swims are so bad. My period is irregular and the morning after pill did not help at all. My dad thinks that might have an effect bc I've told my dad everything about me. He says he's always noticed I've been worse right before my period or when I've not had my period for awhile. He suggested me to talk about with the psychiatrist when I see her. Right now I think it's using this bc the most fearful thing I am right now is to lose my ex like forever and this is a perfect way to use my fear in a way where it is my fault and cause me guilt. But I know deep down its not true...it's just like...I'm sure you can relate...to get into that mindset and train yourself to respond differently. If the psychiatrist thinks its ocd I hope she can teach me cbt and especially erp therapy.
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....hey I read something and now I'm kinda confused and need to know the answer...I'm freaking out....

http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/colorblind/201201/sexual-orientation-obsessions-in-ocd

....it says that a person with internalized homophobia will have positive feelings towards homosexuality and they will enjoy same sex fantasies....

Well I have positive feelings towards it...I don't find anything bad with it...humanly it does not seem wrong at all and find it beautiful along with other kinds of couples (straight)

Also the fantasy...? I have had gay fantasies I guess you'd say...well never just me and a girl...there's been a guy...and I wouldn't really do anything with the girl but tease the guy with her and whatever i did do i only enjoyed it bc i knew the guy was enjoying it....a pleasing thing, and try to get him turned on and into me and get him to like me more than the other girl...but that technically is a gay fantasy and I enjoyed it...so now I'm thinking I'm gay and is confusing me bc my past shows me I'm not and my feelings o attachment to my boyfriends of the past say I'm not...but my find feels likes its trying to rewrite all of this and say other wise and idk why it's doing that...it's making me feel like I'm gay:( also I went to a psychologist finally and told her everything but she said she couldn't know with one visit and sounded like she didn't think I had ocd bc she told me to stop reading about it and let her be the one to diagnose. and she also she would find books that compared people with ocd and people with ocd characteristics...it made me feel like she was talking to me when she said the characteristic thing....it made me confused...everyone says you know but my mind is so confused about what is real and what isn't real. like im saying im gay bc of how i feel and i feel this way bc of how i think...but then another part of my brain is like no you know with your past with boys and how you felt that there is an intinct inside of you...:/

Blah...just a few hours ago I was crying about my ex not wanting to be with me...(the one who I pug through th coming out thing that didn't make me feel good like I thought it would bc I still felt I wasn't gay deep down)...so idk what to do:( I have such a patience problem...I feel like I need to know:(
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I meant but my mind feels not but my find feels
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Also it said something about gay people being sexually frustrated bc of their internalized homophobia..

Well last night I noticed I hadn't masturbated in a while and haven't done anything sexual with a boy for awhile and well I wanted to get some pleasure.

Well why I was trying to masturbate...my thinking and feeling wouldn't stop...I kept feeling like I was going to think of girl and that that was the only way I could masturbate....this made me think i was gay so i tried to avoid thinking about it in this way so i tried to hink of boys who i have a sexual fantasies about before but i couldnt....it was like my mind was afraid of not liking boys so i started to feel like i didnt and i couldnt get out of the thinking:(

I kept trying to avoid any thought of another girl while I was masturbating but it's like I couldn't...:( i tried to think of me and a guy together..but i couldn't enjoy it bc my mind kept saying no you're gay you can't like it and I was becoming so annoyed.

Then I tried to think of a hot guy with a good looking girl to get me off...like porn in my head...but then I couldn't bc I was freaking out about it being the same thing as me and a guy but i need a different girl so this must mean I'm gay and I freaked so I tried not to think of another girl...

Then I tried to think of gay sex...like two men together because I've masturbated to that before and it worked...but I couldn't stop thinking so this is weird, there needs to be a girl..so I was like why do I need a girl that bad...I must be gay:( what does this mean?

Is it internalized homophobia? I thought that is when you have something against gays bc you are gay...I don't have anything wrong with gays! I find it horrible to be mean to them and them not have their rights, but my mind is being afraid of them lately and I don't like that bc I'm not mean! I feel like it might be hocd screwing with my head of not being comfortable around them anymore, but I'm telling myself its internalized homophobia and I'm so confused bc well...

Me and my ex are going through a rough time and I'm trying to get him back and I'm so upset and would hate for me being gay to ruin it:(. I just want to be happy again and my mind won't ever be put at ease.

what does this mean:( help!
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From the same link you provided

"The lack of research about SO-OCD reflect the often misunderstood nature of sexual orientation obsessions. It is important to understand that sexual orientation obsessions in OCD are very different than thoughts and fears an individual might experience as the result of a same-sex or bisexual orientation. Lesbian, gay, and bisexual (LBG) people who have negative feelings about their own sexuality are said to have internalized homophobia or internalized heterosexism (IH), but most people with SO-OCD are in fact heterosexual, so this conceptualization is generally not applicable to SO-OCD sufferers. A person with internalized homophobia/heterosexism usually has some positive feelings about homosexuality and will enjoy same-sex fantasies, whereas the person with SO-OCD dreads the thoughts and finds them intrusive. Furthermore, it should not be assumed that people with SO-OCD are homophobic, as people with SO-OCD have a wide range of feelings about homosexuality.

It can be hard to make sense out of how people with SO-OCD can have anxiety about their own sexual orientation when they are fairly certain that they are not gay and typically have a clear history of heterosexual relationships. However, people with other sorts of OCD worry about all manner of implausible events, such as "What if touching this toilet gives me HIV?" or "What if I left the stove on and my house is burning down?" or "What if that speed bump I ran over was really a small child?" In the case of SO-OCD, the process is the same but only the content of the worry is different. The person wonders, "What if the fact that I noticed that buff guy in the gym means I'm gay?" or "What if crossing my legs this way makes people think I'm gay?" or "What if I become gay and have to leave my spouse and kids?" or "What if I have been unconsciously gay all along and I just don't know it yet?"

The part you mentioned is important

"A person with internalized homophobia/heterosexism usually has some positive feelings about homosexuality and will enjoy same-sex fantasies, whereas the person with SO-OCD dreads the thoughts and finds them intrusive."

Without reading back through everything because that would take forever, I think you fit in the second part of this....you had a dream I believe you said but that dream bothered you.  It wasn't like you woke up and said "Hey that was a great dream."  No, you had the "what the hell was that?" reaction.  You are a person that dreads the thoughts.  You are spending way too much time overanalyzing this stuff.  You decide to masturbate and bam the mind takes control and the "what-ifs" start happening and next thing you know you are running through every possible sexual scenario trying to test yourself to see what gets you aroused.  It's no wonder that nothing worked...I mean who can become aroused when their mind is in overdrive.  You need to take a step back.  Tell yourself you are "not going there anymore" and redirect your thoughts.  

Get the book The OCD Workbook.  Use the worksheets and try to get yourself better.  I can't even remember if you are seeing a therapist and I'm sorry but I dont' have the time to re-read everything to find out.  
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Ok. Sorry.
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Why are you apologizing? You are not bothering me. Sometimes when we read things we key in only on the negative or we try to fit ourselves into a certain scenario. I was just trying to point out where you don't fit into that post you referred me to. The Internet is not your friend...it is the enemy of people with OCD. Can you order The OCD Workbook?
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Yeah I can ask my dad. I have the book by David burns. "Feeling good." I started reading some of it the other day and I liked it. It's just hard dealing with this bc it screws up my life and makes things hard for me with my relationships. And I'm sorry I  I read your post wrong.  I apologized Because I know it gets annoying trying to reassure me by repeating yourself basically.. I get annoyed with myself too. But again thanks. I'll ask my dad and stay away from the Internet as much as I can.
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pls read my post and tell me what you think
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