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Do I really have hocd or am I just gay?
Here is my story. I've always felt there was something different about me. I watched Fairytales of the girls and guys and wanted that to be me. I wanted to be happy like my grandparents and find love like that and always thought its be with a guy. Infact, all of elementary school I had a huge crush on this one guy and wanted him to like me so bad so I could have the Fairytale. He was really cute too and I noticed that and liked it. However I've always felt looks shouldn't be a really big deal and it should be about love. So I trained myself not to really look at guys looks but their personality and stuff but always felt he should at least be attractive too at the same time. Well then that's how I did it and eventually stopped liking that guy in elementary bc I realized he would never like me back and if he did he would tell me but knew he wouldn't bc I wasn't really a popular girl. I was naturally a pretty eprain like my face but i was awkwardly skinny and didnt have the latest fashion haircut and clothes. This kinda grew a hatred for me towards guys bc he thought he was better. So I kinda fought back with this idea in my head that women are better. I felt all women were sexier and prettier and better looking than any guy and they must now down to us for that and be worthy enough of us liking them. It made me feel better thinking like that. At the same time bc of this I had real self confidence issues and tried to fix myself to get guys to like me for the next year which i would be entering middle school which meant new guys new people and i time to reinvent myself. i kinda obsessed over it and wasn't happy till it happened. Well the summer before middle school(ms) started I went to a summer camp with my new look. At first guys didn't notice me and were going of course for the girls who were developed. I mean I didn't blame them bc that's what they wanted but it made me feel hopeless. I began to get jealous. I did make really good friends though but then I got jealous bc they were getting boys to ask them to this dance. An incident like this I'm now questioning if I was jealous bc I secretly wanted them to my selves or I was just jealous bc I wanted guys to want me instead of them. Well a guy asked me at a dance and I was so excited. He was cute and I got butterflies but after awhile it started getting awkward. Well this is another thing I'm wondering about now is is this bc it just wasnt it for us but that doesn't mean for all guys or a sign that I wasn't straight. Well I wasn't thinking that then but am now. So I went to ms and in 1 of my classes there was this really cute guy and I was set on him like I was with the guy in elementary. I wanted him to like me from first sight. He even seemed to like me but I couldn't tell bc he never said he did but everyone said he did. There were other cures guys but I wanted him. I wasn't really thinking about girls. Well we never came of anything so I just tried to forget about it. That summer I went to the Waterpark with my friends and we would try to look for cute guys. I wasnt as interested bc I figured like the rest it would come to nothing and they wouldn't like me like always. Well I had one bf in 6th but I didn't like him I liked his friend. But I still liked trying to see and flirting and stuff.
Best Answer
Hi there. Yes the website does x out certain words. It does sound as if you have OCD/Anxiety but I'm not qualified to diagnose people on the forum so I'm glad that you have an appointment to see a psychiatrist. To me you are overanalyzing much of what goes on in your life and you need to learn to let things go. Hopefully the psychiatrist can help you with this. If they don't teach you CBT, then perhaps a psychologist is the way to go instead. I actually needed both a psychologist and a psychaitrist so that may be what happens as well. Take care.
Yeah I can ask my dad. I have the book by David burns. "Feeling good." I started reading some of it the other day and I liked it. It's just hard dealing with this bc it screws up my life and makes things hard for me with my relationships. And I'm sorry I I read your post wrong. I apologized Because I know it gets annoying trying to reassure me by repeating yourself basically.. I get annoyed with myself too. But again thanks. I'll ask my dad and stay away from the Internet as much as I can.
Why are you apologizing? You are not bothering me. Sometimes when we read things we key in only on the negative or we try to fit ourselves into a certain scenario. I was just trying to point out where you don't fit into that post you referred me to. The Internet is not your friend...it is the enemy of people with OCD. Can you order The OCD Workbook?
From the same link you provided
"The lack of research about SO-OCD reflect the often misunderstood nature of sexual orientation obsessions. It is important to understand that sexual orientation obsessions in OCD are very different than thoughts and fears an individual might experience as the result of a same-sex or bisexual orientation. Lesbian, gay, and bisexual (LBG) people who have negative feelings about their own sexuality are said to have internalized homophobia or internalized heterosexism (IH), but most people with SO-OCD are in fact heterosexual, so this conceptualization is generally not applicable to SO-OCD sufferers. A person with internalized homophobia/heterosexism usually has some positive feelings about homosexuality and will enjoy same-sex fantasies, whereas the person with SO-OCD dreads the thoughts and finds them intrusive. Furthermore, it should not be assumed that people with SO-OCD are homophobic, as people with SO-OCD have a wide range of feelings about homosexuality.
It can be hard to make sense out of how people with SO-OCD can have anxiety about their own sexual orientation when they are fairly certain that they are not gay and typically have a clear history of heterosexual relationships. However, people with other sorts of OCD worry about all manner of implausible events, such as "What if touching this toilet gives me HIV?" or "What if I left the stove on and my house is burning down?" or "What if that speed bump I ran over was really a small child?" In the case of SO-OCD, the process is the same but only the content of the worry is different. The person wonders, "What if the fact that I noticed that buff guy in the gym means I'm gay?" or "What if crossing my legs this way makes people think I'm gay?" or "What if I become gay and have to leave my spouse and kids?" or "What if I have been unconsciously gay all along and I just don't know it yet?"
The part you mentioned is important
"A person with internalized homophobia/heterosexism usually has some positive feelings about homosexuality and will enjoy same-sex fantasies, whereas the person with SO-OCD dreads the thoughts and finds them intrusive."
Without reading back through everything because that would take forever, I think you fit in the second part of this....you had a dream I believe you said but that dream bothered you. It wasn't like you woke up and said "Hey that was a great dream." No, you had the "what the hell was that?" reaction. You are a person that dreads the thoughts. You are spending way too much time overanalyzing this stuff. You decide to masturbate and bam the mind takes control and the "what-ifs" start happening and next thing you know you are running through every possible sexual scenario trying to test yourself to see what gets you aroused. It's no wonder that nothing worked...I mean who can become aroused when their mind is in overdrive. You need to take a step back. Tell yourself you are "not going there anymore" and redirect your thoughts.
Get the book The OCD Workbook. Use the worksheets and try to get yourself better. I can't even remember if you are seeing a therapist and I'm sorry but I dont' have the time to re-read everything to find out.
"The lack of research about SO-OCD reflect the often misunderstood nature of sexual orientation obsessions. It is important to understand that sexual orientation obsessions in OCD are very different than thoughts and fears an individual might experience as the result of a same-sex or bisexual orientation. Lesbian, gay, and bisexual (LBG) people who have negative feelings about their own sexuality are said to have internalized homophobia or internalized heterosexism (IH), but most people with SO-OCD are in fact heterosexual, so this conceptualization is generally not applicable to SO-OCD sufferers. A person with internalized homophobia/heterosexism usually has some positive feelings about homosexuality and will enjoy same-sex fantasies, whereas the person with SO-OCD dreads the thoughts and finds them intrusive. Furthermore, it should not be assumed that people with SO-OCD are homophobic, as people with SO-OCD have a wide range of feelings about homosexuality.
It can be hard to make sense out of how people with SO-OCD can have anxiety about their own sexual orientation when they are fairly certain that they are not gay and typically have a clear history of heterosexual relationships. However, people with other sorts of OCD worry about all manner of implausible events, such as "What if touching this toilet gives me HIV?" or "What if I left the stove on and my house is burning down?" or "What if that speed bump I ran over was really a small child?" In the case of SO-OCD, the process is the same but only the content of the worry is different. The person wonders, "What if the fact that I noticed that buff guy in the gym means I'm gay?" or "What if crossing my legs this way makes people think I'm gay?" or "What if I become gay and have to leave my spouse and kids?" or "What if I have been unconsciously gay all along and I just don't know it yet?"
The part you mentioned is important
"A person with internalized homophobia/heterosexism usually has some positive feelings about homosexuality and will enjoy same-sex fantasies, whereas the person with SO-OCD dreads the thoughts and finds them intrusive."
Without reading back through everything because that would take forever, I think you fit in the second part of this....you had a dream I believe you said but that dream bothered you. It wasn't like you woke up and said "Hey that was a great dream." No, you had the "what the hell was that?" reaction. You are a person that dreads the thoughts. You are spending way too much time overanalyzing this stuff. You decide to masturbate and bam the mind takes control and the "what-ifs" start happening and next thing you know you are running through every possible sexual scenario trying to test yourself to see what gets you aroused. It's no wonder that nothing worked...I mean who can become aroused when their mind is in overdrive. You need to take a step back. Tell yourself you are "not going there anymore" and redirect your thoughts.
Get the book The OCD Workbook. Use the worksheets and try to get yourself better. I can't even remember if you are seeing a therapist and I'm sorry but I dont' have the time to re-read everything to find out.
Also it said something about gay people being sexually frustrated bc of their internalized homophobia..
Well last night I noticed I hadn't masturbated in a while and haven't done anything sexual with a boy for awhile and well I wanted to get some pleasure.
Well why I was trying to masturbate...my thinking and feeling wouldn't stop...I kept feeling like I was going to think of girl and that that was the only way I could masturbate....this made me think i was gay so i tried to avoid thinking about it in this way so i tried to hink of boys who i have a sexual fantasies about before but i couldnt....it was like my mind was afraid of not liking boys so i started to feel like i didnt and i couldnt get out of the thinking:(
I kept trying to avoid any thought of another girl while I was masturbating but it's like I couldn't...:( i tried to think of me and a guy together..but i couldn't enjoy it bc my mind kept saying no you're gay you can't like it and I was becoming so annoyed.
Then I tried to think of a hot guy with a good looking girl to get me off...like porn in my head...but then I couldn't bc I was freaking out about it being the same thing as me and a guy but i need a different girl so this must mean I'm gay and I freaked so I tried not to think of another girl...
Then I tried to think of gay sex...like two men together because I've masturbated to that before and it worked...but I couldn't stop thinking so this is weird, there needs to be a girl..so I was like why do I need a girl that bad...I must be gay:( what does this mean?
Is it internalized homophobia? I thought that is when you have something against gays bc you are gay...I don't have anything wrong with gays! I find it horrible to be mean to them and them not have their rights, but my mind is being afraid of them lately and I don't like that bc I'm not mean! I feel like it might be hocd screwing with my head of not being comfortable around them anymore, but I'm telling myself its internalized homophobia and I'm so confused bc well...
Me and my ex are going through a rough time and I'm trying to get him back and I'm so upset and would hate for me being gay to ruin it:(. I just want to be happy again and my mind won't ever be put at ease.
what does this mean:( help!
Well last night I noticed I hadn't masturbated in a while and haven't done anything sexual with a boy for awhile and well I wanted to get some pleasure.
Well why I was trying to masturbate...my thinking and feeling wouldn't stop...I kept feeling like I was going to think of girl and that that was the only way I could masturbate....this made me think i was gay so i tried to avoid thinking about it in this way so i tried to hink of boys who i have a sexual fantasies about before but i couldnt....it was like my mind was afraid of not liking boys so i started to feel like i didnt and i couldnt get out of the thinking:(
I kept trying to avoid any thought of another girl while I was masturbating but it's like I couldn't...:( i tried to think of me and a guy together..but i couldn't enjoy it bc my mind kept saying no you're gay you can't like it and I was becoming so annoyed.
Then I tried to think of a hot guy with a good looking girl to get me off...like porn in my head...but then I couldn't bc I was freaking out about it being the same thing as me and a guy but i need a different girl so this must mean I'm gay and I freaked so I tried not to think of another girl...
Then I tried to think of gay sex...like two men together because I've masturbated to that before and it worked...but I couldn't stop thinking so this is weird, there needs to be a girl..so I was like why do I need a girl that bad...I must be gay:( what does this mean?
Is it internalized homophobia? I thought that is when you have something against gays bc you are gay...I don't have anything wrong with gays! I find it horrible to be mean to them and them not have their rights, but my mind is being afraid of them lately and I don't like that bc I'm not mean! I feel like it might be hocd screwing with my head of not being comfortable around them anymore, but I'm telling myself its internalized homophobia and I'm so confused bc well...
Me and my ex are going through a rough time and I'm trying to get him back and I'm so upset and would hate for me being gay to ruin it:(. I just want to be happy again and my mind won't ever be put at ease.
what does this mean:( help!
....hey I read something and now I'm kinda confused and need to know the answer...I'm freaking out....
http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/colorblind/201201/sexual-orientation-obsessions-in-ocd
....it says that a person with internalized homophobia will have positive feelings towards homosexuality and they will enjoy same sex fantasies....
Well I have positive feelings towards it...I don't find anything bad with it...humanly it does not seem wrong at all and find it beautiful along with other kinds of couples (straight)
Also the fantasy...? I have had gay fantasies I guess you'd say...well never just me and a girl...there's been a guy...and I wouldn't really do anything with the girl but tease the guy with her and whatever i did do i only enjoyed it bc i knew the guy was enjoying it....a pleasing thing, and try to get him turned on and into me and get him to like me more than the other girl...but that technically is a gay fantasy and I enjoyed it...so now I'm thinking I'm gay and is confusing me bc my past shows me I'm not and my feelings o attachment to my boyfriends of the past say I'm not...but my find feels likes its trying to rewrite all of this and say other wise and idk why it's doing that...it's making me feel like I'm gay:( also I went to a psychologist finally and told her everything but she said she couldn't know with one visit and sounded like she didn't think I had ocd bc she told me to stop reading about it and let her be the one to diagnose. and she also she would find books that compared people with ocd and people with ocd characteristics...it made me feel like she was talking to me when she said the characteristic thing....it made me confused...everyone says you know but my mind is so confused about what is real and what isn't real. like im saying im gay bc of how i feel and i feel this way bc of how i think...but then another part of my brain is like no you know with your past with boys and how you felt that there is an intinct inside of you...:/
Blah...just a few hours ago I was crying about my ex not wanting to be with me...(the one who I pug through th coming out thing that didn't make me feel good like I thought it would bc I still felt I wasn't gay deep down)...so idk what to do:( I have such a patience problem...I feel like I need to know:(
http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/colorblind/201201/sexual-orientation-obsessions-in-ocd
....it says that a person with internalized homophobia will have positive feelings towards homosexuality and they will enjoy same sex fantasies....
Well I have positive feelings towards it...I don't find anything bad with it...humanly it does not seem wrong at all and find it beautiful along with other kinds of couples (straight)
Also the fantasy...? I have had gay fantasies I guess you'd say...well never just me and a girl...there's been a guy...and I wouldn't really do anything with the girl but tease the guy with her and whatever i did do i only enjoyed it bc i knew the guy was enjoying it....a pleasing thing, and try to get him turned on and into me and get him to like me more than the other girl...but that technically is a gay fantasy and I enjoyed it...so now I'm thinking I'm gay and is confusing me bc my past shows me I'm not and my feelings o attachment to my boyfriends of the past say I'm not...but my find feels likes its trying to rewrite all of this and say other wise and idk why it's doing that...it's making me feel like I'm gay:( also I went to a psychologist finally and told her everything but she said she couldn't know with one visit and sounded like she didn't think I had ocd bc she told me to stop reading about it and let her be the one to diagnose. and she also she would find books that compared people with ocd and people with ocd characteristics...it made me feel like she was talking to me when she said the characteristic thing....it made me confused...everyone says you know but my mind is so confused about what is real and what isn't real. like im saying im gay bc of how i feel and i feel this way bc of how i think...but then another part of my brain is like no you know with your past with boys and how you felt that there is an intinct inside of you...:/
Blah...just a few hours ago I was crying about my ex not wanting to be with me...(the one who I pug through th coming out thing that didn't make me feel good like I thought it would bc I still felt I wasn't gay deep down)...so idk what to do:( I have such a patience problem...I feel like I need to know:(
This one by far is my worst. However I say that now but when I have the other ones I say it to that too. I'm better now. My mood swims are so bad. My period is irregular and the morning after pill did not help at all. My dad thinks that might have an effect bc I've told my dad everything about me. He says he's always noticed I've been worse right before my period or when I've not had my period for awhile. He suggested me to talk about with the psychiatrist when I see her. Right now I think it's using this bc the most fearful thing I am right now is to lose my ex like forever and this is a perfect way to use my fear in a way where it is my fault and cause me guilt. But I know deep down its not true...it's just like...I'm sure you can relate...to get into that mindset and train yourself to respond differently. If the psychiatrist thinks its ocd I hope she can teach me cbt and especially erp therapy.
I did have a bout of HOCD and at the time I was married. It was just one more thing in a long line of irrational thoughts I was having. My sister who also has OCD admitted to me she too had this thought. I didn't have it for very long because at the time I was on the nightmare superhighway of thoughts.
Like I talked to my ex and stuff about all the thins that make me seem like I'm gay and he was like look " everyone I'm guessing, at least I know I do and I'm comfortable knowing I'm straight, has had the same doubts and thoughts you have had and same experiences...many little kids have an experience like that with a person of the same sex. Only difference is that you obsess over them and insist they make you or you are something you're not. You don't feel comfortable with your sexuality which makes you freak out even more and think you are even more gay bc you have ocd about. You are constantly gonna have thoughts that make you go around in circles and believe nothing you feel that makes you straight is real bc then your fear would have nothing to use. That's the fear doing this not you're gay. You are so far gone right now bc of how severe it is getting that you can't see that." Is he right? I may have changed the exact wording a little different than he said but its the same principle and same kinda stuff he said. It made me feel ok at the moment when he said that but as the day went on it grew and grew and grew and now I'm here freaking.
I feel like the only way I can be happy is if I'm gay:( I feel like I'm just trying to prove to myself I'm not bc I have some type of I ternalized homophobia. It seems like its is that. I keep telling myself it is that. But I freak out about the above.
I don't want to be gay but I feel like I am and there is no way to escape it. I feel like I am not attracted to my ex like I should be but I know at one point i thought i was...CAN HOCD DO THIS TO YOU? I care about him so much and jealous if he likes over girls and think he is cute but my mind is saying there is no connection bc I don't like him in that way. Is this hocd? I used to like him in that way!!! At least I think I did?....SEE I KREP DOING THIS KINDA STUFF. I KEEP DOUBTING EVERYTHING IN MY PAST AND TRY TO MAKE IT LIKE IM GAY. why:( i hope it hocd but I keep telling myself "no its bc i want to be gay and feel comfortable with it." I feel like all my thoughts must mean something that something being that I'm gay:( again does hocd do this to you. Please answer all my questions:( idk what to do anymore. I don't want to be happy with another woman. I just want to be with a man and feel like I'm a lesbian and enjoy it without the thoughts constantly making me guilty:( I want to be happy with him...please I feel it's hopeless to:( Everything that used to give me butterflies I feel like I can't do without second guessing "if I'm gonna like it?" Or telling myself, "no I'm not gonna like it," bc I've lost hope...I feel like its never gonna happen...I feel like I'm gonna be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I don't wanna live like this:( please answer and give me some hope. I've lost all of it. I feel like its so intense and becoming worse and worse. What gave me hope doesn't anymore and I feel like I need to give in. I'm wondering and saying Im forcing myself. In a way i am bc im forcing myself to be happy with aomeone I cohld have sworn used to make me happy. but then me sojng that makes me sound like i dont want men anynore and my head and is telling me and convincing me so much. i feel like i need to just let go of control and give in but i dont want to. im trying to hold onto the fact its hocd but i cant:( i keep thinking mh out everyday all day of All things that made me think i was hocd. saying im not gay doesnt give me comfort anymore. i have doubt times a billion. it used to in te beginnkng but now....i feel like ill never be normal again like i was. eveything i di seems like im gay. i cant get away from it....:(
Like I can't help my strong feelings towards My ex. like i want it to work again between us. It's so much more than a sexual attraction with me and him. He is like my best friend too. I love him. But i feel like its impossible. my mind is telling me I don't love him that way. I feel guilty bc all of this bc I know he wants me and him together but I feel like I can't bc of what I'm feeling and that I'm a lesbian. But I don't want to be. :( I just want to be okay with him. I don't want to put him through me being a lesbian. Like i know hed be okay and i would but like i dont want him to think of me as just a friend. i want him to know its real between us. i love him so much and this is killing me. i want happiness again:( im so depressed. I cant feel positive abiut my attraction to hom anhmore. im constantly asking myself, "am i feeling enough atrraction to him to the level I should be if I was straight...than a normal straight." "Should i be checking hkm oht more than i am?" and i always say no to myself and put nyself down:( i feel like i say no bc ive loat all hope and its hard to believe it hocd anymore. and i always say no bc i really have lost sexual desire...
but then i get so confused bc when im constantly checking out it im lesbian by thinking of me with a woman and dojng stuff and holding hands and cusdling with a girl my mind makes it so easy to syabyea thats what you want. but i have this urge to fight that and say "NO i dont. This isn't real just hocd" but acting that doesn't help:( I just doubt more
I don't want to put myself through a lesbian phase bc I just know ill regret it like I did when I was younger. And feel so confused. I feel like I'd be emotionless and hopeless if did...like I'd just want to die bc I'll never be happy.
But I just have this feeling. I've never felt this sure I was gay before...:( is this me coming to terms and coming out. Please answer. Please. I feel like its just becoming more and more and scaring me. I was so for sure at one point it was hocd but still now it's like my mind is trying to uncover and uncover and I can't see why it would do that besides me secretly trying to prove I'm gay:( is this all mind tricks. Does hocd do this. Am I alone on this and don't have hocd? Please!
I don't want to be gay but I feel like I am and there is no way to escape it. I feel like I am not attracted to my ex like I should be but I know at one point i thought i was...CAN HOCD DO THIS TO YOU? I care about him so much and jealous if he likes over girls and think he is cute but my mind is saying there is no connection bc I don't like him in that way. Is this hocd? I used to like him in that way!!! At least I think I did?....SEE I KREP DOING THIS KINDA STUFF. I KEEP DOUBTING EVERYTHING IN MY PAST AND TRY TO MAKE IT LIKE IM GAY. why:( i hope it hocd but I keep telling myself "no its bc i want to be gay and feel comfortable with it." I feel like all my thoughts must mean something that something being that I'm gay:( again does hocd do this to you. Please answer all my questions:( idk what to do anymore. I don't want to be happy with another woman. I just want to be with a man and feel like I'm a lesbian and enjoy it without the thoughts constantly making me guilty:( I want to be happy with him...please I feel it's hopeless to:( Everything that used to give me butterflies I feel like I can't do without second guessing "if I'm gonna like it?" Or telling myself, "no I'm not gonna like it," bc I've lost hope...I feel like its never gonna happen...I feel like I'm gonna be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I don't wanna live like this:( please answer and give me some hope. I've lost all of it. I feel like its so intense and becoming worse and worse. What gave me hope doesn't anymore and I feel like I need to give in. I'm wondering and saying Im forcing myself. In a way i am bc im forcing myself to be happy with aomeone I cohld have sworn used to make me happy. but then me sojng that makes me sound like i dont want men anynore and my head and is telling me and convincing me so much. i feel like i need to just let go of control and give in but i dont want to. im trying to hold onto the fact its hocd but i cant:( i keep thinking mh out everyday all day of All things that made me think i was hocd. saying im not gay doesnt give me comfort anymore. i have doubt times a billion. it used to in te beginnkng but now....i feel like ill never be normal again like i was. eveything i di seems like im gay. i cant get away from it....:(
Like I can't help my strong feelings towards My ex. like i want it to work again between us. It's so much more than a sexual attraction with me and him. He is like my best friend too. I love him. But i feel like its impossible. my mind is telling me I don't love him that way. I feel guilty bc all of this bc I know he wants me and him together but I feel like I can't bc of what I'm feeling and that I'm a lesbian. But I don't want to be. :( I just want to be okay with him. I don't want to put him through me being a lesbian. Like i know hed be okay and i would but like i dont want him to think of me as just a friend. i want him to know its real between us. i love him so much and this is killing me. i want happiness again:( im so depressed. I cant feel positive abiut my attraction to hom anhmore. im constantly asking myself, "am i feeling enough atrraction to him to the level I should be if I was straight...than a normal straight." "Should i be checking hkm oht more than i am?" and i always say no to myself and put nyself down:( i feel like i say no bc ive loat all hope and its hard to believe it hocd anymore. and i always say no bc i really have lost sexual desire...
but then i get so confused bc when im constantly checking out it im lesbian by thinking of me with a woman and dojng stuff and holding hands and cusdling with a girl my mind makes it so easy to syabyea thats what you want. but i have this urge to fight that and say "NO i dont. This isn't real just hocd" but acting that doesn't help:( I just doubt more
I don't want to put myself through a lesbian phase bc I just know ill regret it like I did when I was younger. And feel so confused. I feel like I'd be emotionless and hopeless if did...like I'd just want to die bc I'll never be happy.
But I just have this feeling. I've never felt this sure I was gay before...:( is this me coming to terms and coming out. Please answer. Please. I feel like its just becoming more and more and scaring me. I was so for sure at one point it was hocd but still now it's like my mind is trying to uncover and uncover and I can't see why it would do that besides me secretly trying to prove I'm gay:( is this all mind tricks. Does hocd do this. Am I alone on this and don't have hocd? Please!
Sorry one last question then I'm gonna try for good. I just need to know this. Did you experience hocd yourself? If so at any point did you say to yourself you know you're gay for sure. I keep saying this in my head but I don't know if I believe it. I feel I do but then at the same time something doesn't seem right. But when i say something doesnt seem right about me not believing im gay in my head for sure, my mind starts freaking out and starts foing yes huh yea huh yes huh and i feel like i should fight but theb i knownitll make me unhappier that im fighting with myself and giving in. but is it bc im truly ok and want to be gay or is it im learning to deal with the fear and this is normal. when I try to hang with ex I feel like this feeling with him and want to go back to how we were but I feel like we can't. And i It's killing me bc I feel guilty bc he wants it too but I feel I'm leading him on bc I'm gay...well that's what my brain keeps saying though I want something different like be happy with him. Am I just trying to force myself gay or are these common hocd thoughts. If you had did you think these and feel this way. Idk what to do. I don't want to be gay.
I'll try to stay away from here for a few days and let you know how the breathing thing goes. I hope it helps. I think I just need to "accept" it and the anxiety will go away and then I'll see that the anxiety and fear was what was causing the thoughts and not the fact that I am gay. That's what I had to do with the children thing and the schizo thing in the end. It's just scary not knowing how it'll end but I hope and somewhere in me knows that's it. Wish me luck.
Comparing yourself to other girls is all very normal. I still do it and I'm 48! We want to look as good as the next person. You mentioned self-esteem before and perhaps yours is a little on the low side and you can work on that with the therapist.
Don't listen to people who say that you might be gay or bi or whatever. If you were, you would just know it like I said. You wouldn't be sitting here second guessing and analyzing everything. You will more than likely be diagnosed with OCD and this is what OCD people do unfortuantely when they don't have the tools to help themselves. That breathing technique is one of the tools. Also check out the book The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD. You can look at it on Amazon. You can even look in the book. There is a section on HOCD. Try to read it.
Don't listen to people who say that you might be gay or bi or whatever. If you were, you would just know it like I said. You wouldn't be sitting here second guessing and analyzing everything. You will more than likely be diagnosed with OCD and this is what OCD people do unfortuantely when they don't have the tools to help themselves. That breathing technique is one of the tools. Also check out the book The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD. You can look at it on Amazon. You can even look in the book. There is a section on HOCD. Try to read it.
I'm sorry if I'm bothering you...I know I bother my dad a lot. Not that he doesn't love me. But he just gets frustrated because no matter what he says to calm me down he sees its still bothering me and I continuously try to talk to him. He said its a compulsion of my hocd...which by the way I know it's not a real med term it's just a nickname people use for a type of ocd bc it's more common than people realize. It's just like staing the community of people with ocd about being bit by spiders might all decide to call it spiocd. I wish some people would realize this when they try to argue that is not a real thing just bc it's not a real term. It is a real thing just not the term is technically correct. Sorry I'm ranting. It just bothers me bc I know it makes me freak out when I see that so I hope others will see this and feel better.
Thank you. I'll try that. It's just a bunch of things are confusing. Like I'm noticing even when I'm not freaking out about being a lesbian that I'm still checking girls out and seeing what they have. But I've always felt it was bc I'm just judging. I thought every human being did that with every person they saw. But now it's making me question that I'm doing it bc I want to be with a female. My mind is even saying now "ooooooo you think she's sexy." Which like I do but like not in that way like I don't feel like I want to do any to do stuff with them. I say feel as if anyone can say someone is sexy of any gender and not want to do stuff with them...is that normal and ok? But then when I have that backlash thought about me not wanting to in that way my mind starts saying "no you're lying, you wouldn't have thought that if you weren't. You focus on girls more because you want to be with one." But it's like I really don't want to be. but saying that now my mind is tricking me saying "no youre just denying and trying to convince yourself." i feel so panicky. my real question is is can hocd do this to you? like i know you cant diagnose me but does it seem like its hocd? I know I get jealous of girls and I always thought it was bc I wanted to be better than them. But it's like I can't stop thinking I'm jealous bc I secretly want to be with them. Like I feel like if I really did I would have no doubt and not be panicking especially since the closest people to me don't care. But I don't feel that way so that's what kinda gives me some light it's hocd but its so confusing and hard to realize. Then I was reading on someone else's forum. It was something someone posted to them saying, " I don't agree with the rest that its hocd. I think you might actually be bi or gay and just be obsessed about it bc you have ocd,"...is that true? I thought people who have ocd about something bc it panics them? I thought you can't obsess about things that make you feel good? She said it was internalized homophobia that gays have..but I thought that was different" her thing made me spike kind of bc that person sounded like me and I freaked and thought oh no I must be gay....this *****:/ I know I've gone through these feelings tons of times with other issues but its like while I'm in this one none of that mattes. It feels so real:( I wish my appointment would just hurry up so I can get everything out with a trained professional:/ not that your advice is bad! I appreciate everything you're saying. I feel bad bc it's like my dad said is no matter how much people reassure you, it won't go away bc it's something that fearful to you that you need to face on your own and that's scary.
Thank you. I'll try that. It's just a bunch of things are confusing. Like I'm noticing even when I'm not freaking out about being a lesbian that I'm still checking girls out and seeing what they have. But I've always felt it was bc I'm just judging. I thought every human being did that with every person they saw. But now it's making me question that I'm doing it bc I want to be with a female. My mind is even saying now "ooooooo you think she's sexy." Which like I do but like not in that way like I don't feel like I want to do any to do stuff with them. I say feel as if anyone can say someone is sexy of any gender and not want to do stuff with them...is that normal and ok? But then when I have that backlash thought about me not wanting to in that way my mind starts saying "no you're lying, you wouldn't have thought that if you weren't. You focus on girls more because you want to be with one." But it's like I really don't want to be. but saying that now my mind is tricking me saying "no youre just denying and trying to convince yourself." i feel so panicky. my real question is is can hocd do this to you? like i know you cant diagnose me but does it seem like its hocd? I know I get jealous of girls and I always thought it was bc I wanted to be better than them. But it's like I can't stop thinking I'm jealous bc I secretly want to be with them. Like I feel like if I really did I would have no doubt and not be panicking especially since the closest people to me don't care. But I don't feel that way so that's what kinda gives me some light it's hocd but its so confusing and hard to realize. Then I was reading on someone else's forum. It was something someone posted to them saying, " I don't agree with the rest that its hocd. I think you might actually be bi or gay and just be obsessed about it bc you have ocd,"...is that true? I thought people who have ocd about something bc it panics them? I thought you can't obsess about things that make you feel good? She said it was internalized homophobia that gays have..but I thought that was different" her thing made me spike kind of bc that person sounded like me and I freaked and thought oh no I must be gay....this *****:/ I know I've gone through these feelings tons of times with other issues but its like while I'm in this one none of that mattes. It feels so real:( I wish my appointment would just hurry up so I can get everything out with a trained professional:/ not that your advice is bad! I appreciate everything you're saying. I feel bad bc it's like my dad said is no matter how much people reassure you, it won't go away bc it's something that fearful to you that you need to face on your own and that's scary.
Hi there....when we are asleep our subconscious has the reins. It is almost like our guard is down and whatever is bothering us in the daytime, the things that we can fight, well during sleep we are not able to fight and so our fears show up in our dreams. But you have to remember, they are just dreams. I used to have dreams about the boogyman chasing me and no matter what I did my shirt always got caught in the door on the way out. Obviously I had some sort of fear going on in real life but the reality is that the boogyman was just something my subconscious made up to mimic the fear I had during my waking hours. Dreams are fictions and not facts. The next time you are feeling like you are coming unglued try this breathing exercise.
Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth. When you woke up last night this would have been a good thing to do. Lay there with your hands on your stomach so that you can feel the rise and fall of it. Sometimes I say "In" and "Out". Also, this technique can be done standing up, sitting down, and in any situation and nobody will even know you are doing it. It really helps to calm you down so that you can think more rationally.
Give it a try and let me know how it works for you.
Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth. When you woke up last night this would have been a good thing to do. Lay there with your hands on your stomach so that you can feel the rise and fall of it. Sometimes I say "In" and "Out". Also, this technique can be done standing up, sitting down, and in any situation and nobody will even know you are doing it. It really helps to calm you down so that you can think more rationally.
Give it a try and let me know how it works for you.
In my dream I felt like I couldn't stop what was happening. I would think this would make me realize it was a dream but no. It felt so real!! I'm stressing. Is this just hocd?
Also I'm rereading what I put the other day and what I meant by, " I felt happy saying I was gay and was okay with it," was I was so frustrated arguing with myself that I thought it must be denial and the only way ill feel happy is if I said I was gay. So when I told me dad that that was it and me coming out for the "final" time I felt a hopeful happy that what I was going through was just denial and ill be happy with myself and deal with everything. But that wasnt the case and is still fry confused and something in me deep down was telling me my true self is straight. The part which doesn't give me anxiety. But then I get anxiety thinking about how that feeling doesn't make sense with all these other feelings I'm having by these thoughts. It's panicks me and confuses me. The thoughts and feelings. Coming out didn't make me feel happy or for sure I was gay. Infanct it just made me more confused and panicky and feeling like I had to write on this forum to get some feed back? Is it common for people to feel like they have to come out and so with hocd. If so is it the same feelings I had. I thought it would be happy like all the stuff I've read from gay sites but it wasnt. It still made me feel confused and distressed. I can't stop thinking and feeling something is wrong and that wrong thing is I'm gay. But then again I'm not homophobic and think its wrong for others to be gay. I just don't want that for myself. Blah.
Tonight I woke up in the middle of the night bc of stomach aches from somethjng I ate.. Well I couldn't fall back to sleep so I just played some games on my phone and put the tv on for background noise bc it helps me fall asleep. So eventually I got tired and somehow I guess I fell asleep. But my dream was me laying down in I think the same stuff I'm wearing now? I can't remember. Crazy how dreams are forgotten that fast. Well in the dream I was mad and i was mad bc of my hocd? This is the first time I can recall dreaming about this issue...infanct I don't ever remember about having a gay dream with another woman? Well anyways in it I was mad bc I hadn't sexually pleased myself in awhile bc of my problem and felt like I wanted to. Well in my dream I was worrying about if I even had HOCD (which I thought I had but this dream freaked me out) bc I thought me wanting to sexually please myself meant I was sexually frustrated and then that is usually a sign you are gay from what I've read And you can't really have a good sex life. So this freaked me out in my dream but for some reason I was still like "eff it in my head I'm going to do it anyways bc I want to orgasm" . then i felt like me in my dreams was okay wuth abd started thinking about girla and felt ruened on but i still felt panicky bc i didnt know what this meant. i knew what ot meant. it must mean im gay and freaked iut bc this cant be but its like i couldnt control it. even though I didn't want like (I felt my feelings in my dream and be like first person and then it'd be like I was watching myself like a third person thing...anyone else have that?) well then in the dream I heard my dad about to walk in so I pulled up my pants and didn't. The dream felt so real? Then the next minute in the car with my dad and I'm talking to him about what i almost did earlier in my dream and he is telling me don't panick bc I am bc in my dram I said I knew I was gay but then I panicked bc this didn't make sense. Well I guess my body could feel my fear and anxiety and I woke up and for a second thought all that happened but I knew and figured it was just a dream. I was asleep for an hour. And I'm writing it now while I remember the dream. But now I know for sure ill remember. And it's scaring me? What does this mean? Does it mean I'm gay? I'm so worried. I was doing so good today. I mean I still could feel the intense anxiety and had some thought but I was dealing and felt for sure I was straight again bc I was realizing it all was hocd bc I was doing everything I've read about hocd. But then this dream? I feel like it means something? I'm so scared. In real like I've never felt the way I did in the dream. I mean I've masturbated even though I had the obsessive panicky thoughts bc I was sexually frustrated I couldn't feel good about stuff with my boyfriend or comfortably with porn without freaking out. I thought about girls in these and they freaked me out and of course I felt aroused but it was like a what the **** bad feeling. I heard its called a groinal response? Is this true? It happened with me with the children thing too when I tried to masturbate then. I've always felt good about my sexuality being straight bc ive had straight dreams and straight wet dreams...but this one was like idk? It was weird and unusual than before. Please tell me something? Is this normal? Does it mean I'm gay? I'm worrying it does! :( I don't want to be gay. I was feeling so good about me being straight before I just woke up from this dream or well I guess nightmare bc I'm freaking!!!
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