My name is Martin and I live in Denmark. I have had this problem since the age of 17. I am afraid of my semen getting on people’s hands. I always masturbate in the shower, but I am still afraid that there might be some semen on the shower curtain, which has been invisible to me and therefore I could not clean it. I am not sure that if somebody touches dry semen it won't get on his hands. I know that semen is not harmful and all that, but I imagine how my semen is on somebody's hands and they touch doorknobs, keys, everything...and by doing so, they spread it, and the sperm that is in the semen gets everywhere as well. I have been diagnosed with OCD before, but I need to put my mind at ease, that there is nothing to worry about. I think I will be ok, if only I knew for sure that if someone touches my dry semen it won’t get on his hands and he won’t spread it.
There is usually a reason why we worry so I'm wondering why you are afriad of YOUR semen getting on people's hands? It doesn't sound as if you are afraid of other people's semen being on doorknobs, keys, etc. Is it a cleanliness issue? Do you feel that masturbating is bad and so you are worried about your semen getting on things? Just trying to get a clearer picture...sorry for all the questions :)
I think that all of us have been taught, when we were little boys, to clean after masturbation. :)) I experience a great sense of guilt that I have not cleaned enough after myself, when I could have actually done it. I am thinking, "why was I so lazy and I did not clean enough?" or "what if despite my efforts to clean everything there is still some part/s that are not clean?"
I remember vividly one case, I almost went crazy. I had a partner(I am gay), and when I ejaculated once, he squeezed the last drops of my semen and he did not wash his hands. I asked him, but he said it was clean and that sweat is dirtier. I know it won't harm anyone, I just don't want it there. We were at his place, but he had to go somewhere and I freaked out, imagining all the places that he is gonna visit with my semen on his hands. We took a taxi and he paid the driver and...I just imagine my semen on the money, then going to spread on the hands of the driver...I was so down, panicked, I was thinking to commit a suicide. I want to be free, I want to live my life free from this fear...
The problem with OCD is that, if you feed it, it becomes stronger. Seeking reassurance is one of the worst ways to feed it. You say, "I have been diagnosed with OCD before, but I need to put my mind at ease, that there is nothing to worry about." This is the worst thing you can possibly do. If you continue to seek this reassurance, you'll only need more and more to feel comfortable. If you want freedom from this, the only way to get there is to accept the possibility. It's very anxiety-provoking at first, but it does get better in time - I promise! There are two books that may be helpful to you. One is called Brain Lock, and it's an excellent book on OCD and breaking free from it. The other is Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, which is helpful for a variety of things you might be going through, including OCD and anxiety.
I really cannot add anything more to anacyde's excellent post other than to say that if you are not seeing a psychologist you really should think about it so that you can undergo cognitive behavioral therapy. You have to remember that people go to the bathroom and don't wash their hands, people cough into their hands, wipe their nose, and don't wash their hands. You need to add semen to this list. There is no danger here to other people.
I already have been to a psychologist, I don't want to, I was also treated with medications, but I wanted to go through by myself. I have dealt with so many things in my life that I don't need the cognitive therapy and the exposure therapy, blah, blah. I know this stuff. I want to do it on my own, the way I have coped with everything on my life. I know myself, better than anyone out there and just because other people are using the methods you are menioning, does not mean these are the ones I am going to use. No, not at all. Actually I was quite sure that I would get responses like yours, but that happens when you are writing to some ''communities''. I am gonna be fine. Jesus loves me!
"Actually I was quite sure that I would get responses like yours, but that happens when you are writing to some ''communities''
I'm not sure how to respond to this other than to say that I tried to provide you with things that helped me with my own OCD. If they are not for you, then so be it. I'll quit responding to your questions. Good luck.
Sorry, if I have come across as a rude guy, I have not meant to offend you :((( It is not that I disregard the methods that have helped you, it is just my belief that I can cope with this issue in a different way. I feel I am strong enough to deal with it on my own, but only if I get the answer to my question, about dry semen. I would know that even if there is somewhere of my semen, it won't spread, it will be where I have left it. Then I don't bother, you know, as long as it is not on your personal belongings, cause you will agree with me( I think). that you are not keen of having some semen on your handbag or purse, This is gross, right? And I know that other people don't clean that much at all, they don't wash their hands, etc. I am pretty sure that my OCD is at least partially provoked from my mother's lessons about cleanliness. She was cleaning like crazy the whole house, I was a little boy and I was wondering why she was not sleeping at 2 or 3 a.m.But this has become the norm for me, you know, this is what I have seen in my family, this is how cleaning was done, and it is stuck somewhere in my mentality. I have talked with other boys and they masturbate in the exact same way lke me, but they are not obsessed with cleaning. Maybe you are right, maybe the problem is very deep, but right now I don't have the means to start a therapy :(((
You say you want to do it on your own and that you have been to see therapists, been on medication, learned CBT and you don't want to use that stuff...you want to do it on your own. All I can say is that it seems that the "do it on your own" isn't working because if it were you wouldn't even be on this site. Yes, when I think about somebody's semen in my purse, on my purse, on a doorkob, of course I get grossed out. But the reality is that I NEVER EVER think that someone's semen is on something I am touching. I know there are germs on things we touch, but to break it down into that kind of detail is not something I do. Cleanliness is not one of my OCD problems. I'm actually a very messy person.
Obviously your OCD has been passed down from your mom if she was up cleaning in the middle of the night. Studies are showing now that there is a genetic component to OCD and that it can be passed down in families. And you have had cleanliness beaten into your head for a very long time.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I bet cleanliness is a big part of your life in general and not just semen cleanliness. The only thing left for you to do, since what you are doing isn't working, is to purchase the books that anacyde mentioned in the post above. I have not read them but he is recommending them. Two others are The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking from of OCD and Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani. These two I like but I'm considering getting the other two that anacyde mentioned.
I know that you have a lot of faith that Jesus is going to lead you out of this irrational thought process. Jesus can do extraordinary things but honestly you can't sit around waiting for a divine intervention to happen. Get the books, read them, practice what they preach, and pray that you can get past all this and back to a life where OCD does not rule it. Take care.
Thank you for the really nice wishes. Well, I do not consider cleanliness as a very big part of my life, I have never indulged in the rituals that my mother used to perform, nor have I ever understood and/or approved them. I could clearly see that she was having a problem, because she has been cleaning the same thing all over again, which was not dirty in first place. But I think with her it was more about calming her nerves, I think cleaning was like a comforting experience for her from all the fightings that they had with my father( they are twice married and twice divorced). I think I am average when it comes to cleanliness; however living with other boys, that have praised my cleanliness(and sometimes wondering about it), makes me think I might be above the average or the normal level considered for a boy to be clean. What I do is to place myself in the shoes of the other boys. I am sure that none of them(unless they have my OCD), is cleaning so much after they ejaculate, they clean only the visible part and that's it. They don't think about it. And I am trying to set myself free from my sense of guilt, by persuading myself that I do nothing wrong, that I am doing the same as other boys and cleaning even more, and that I should not feel guilty about spreading my semen.
What made me to really fall in a very big depression was the guy that I slept with 6 years ago. I shared that story before with another user, but obviously it got deleted. Here is the deal. I was 20 and still struggling with my sexual orientation. I was a virgin and a friend of mine called me one day to tell me that she got me a man to have sex with. I knew that guy, cause he was a famous homosexual in my city and I agreed to meet with him. I was young, stupid and desperate and had sex with him only three times, all of them I felt like a cheap s--t. He was 36 years old and I slept with him, because I was hoping that the sexual experience with a guy would finally make cleat to me, whether I was gay or not. However, the last time we had sex, he squeezed the last drops of semen out of my penis and did not wash his hands. I asked him to do so, because I previously explained him about my condition, but people without OCD don't understand how vital is for us to know that things are the way we want them to be. Then we left his place, and he touched doorknobes, keys, money to pay the taxi driver...and I cannot imagine how many more things, after we separated. So, I know my semen has gone to some people's belongins and that was such a point in my life...I stopped going to this part of my city, where his apartment was situated. He was constantly callling me from different numbers...it was crazy...a stalker, because I quite seeing him. I felt guilty, even though sppreading my semen in this case was not my fault. But I blamed myself for not stopping his hand from touching my penis, or not being more tough on insisting for him to wash his hands....it went on for a looong time, and I still have nightmares sometimes...this thing I cannot forgive myself, although it was not my fault, but it was MY semen. I am sure that is he did this to me, he could have done it with other boys as well(I was not the only one, he was sleeping with and he was not hiding it from me). I have even more stories, like crazy stories about my semen. And it seems that God always puts me through situaions where I have to deal with my OCD, sometimes I think that HE is doing it to teach me a lesson.
I am sorry for the very long letter, but I had to let it go...these feeling have been destroying my life for such a long time...Thank you!
Dude, I don't know if you are still here, but this is like reading about my own life. I have the exact same fear/obsession. I am always thinking about how traces of my semen may have leaked out of me somehow onto my blankets at night and then somehow get on everything I own. I visualize it being everywhere, even though no one else can see it. It is completely destroying my life, I become depressed, and have also thought about suicide to end the pain of it. The few people I have told about this do not and cannot understand, but you do. Thank you for posting. I am sorry you are suffering but I am happy I am not alone.
Yes, I am here :)) For you and for anyone else interested in both, sharing and helping each other with info for the horrible condition of OCD. And yes, you are not alone, there are many guys outthere with the same problem, as far as my research shows. But tell me, how long has it been, since you've developed this condtion? Did you always have it? Do you consider taking any measures for treating it?
DON'T commit a suicide, I can relate to your pain 100%, as I myself, have been suicidal many times. If you want to talk to me more about this issue, you can write to me on my email: martin.***@****
Hi, first of all, let me apologize for my English since it isn't my mothers tongue. I am from Indonesia and I am suffering this since I was 13 or 14, and I am now in my mid 20s. This is really cause some problem with my life, since I tend to clean anything more than any average peoples do. I even fight with my parents because of this "******* disease". The fight was so intense, to the point that I got myself arrested 4 times by the police because of that during my teens.
Actually, it is rather simple. I just want to clean it, they see it is strange, scold me, and I rather go "berserk" than leave it like that.
It is really hard for me living like this. I know sperm isn't dangerous. I really know that others even don't clean as much as I do. It is just made me feel uneasy, disturbed, if knowing such things from me, which is sperm, is exist somewhere.
It is getting worse to the fact that I keep inspecting my pants each time I woke up from sleep since I am afraid that when I was sleeping, I wet myself. Even after constantly checking, few minutes later, I will check it again and if somehow the pants is getting wet because of spilled water or such and I EXACTLY KNOW it is because of that, I still fear that it might be sperm. Basically, I doubt myself a lot. To the point that I often think that maybe I was sleeping, wet myself because of wet dream, and I didn't realize it. It is only "cured" after I took a bath, and wash my clothes. It is really, REALLY, a pain life.
Whenever I really wet myself because of wet dream, I must wash the entire room where I was sleeping for the fear of my semen is somehow got on chairs, curtains, or bed. And I wash everything from where I sleep to the place where I wash myself for the fear it my got stuck somewhere when I walk to wash myself. I even sleep on floor after I got tired to wash my bed every time I got wet dreams. Life is really hard for me.
I even wash myself every time I got back from walking outside because of the fear that maybe when I sleep outside, for example a friend's house, I wet myself there. Even after it is already years ago. I even wash every part of hole of my body including ears for the fear that it is might be there, even that I know, it is impossible it is there.
I even tried "resetting" my life, stop doing all those things, but I can bear it just for a few months. After that, it is really hard for me to stop washing things. I even divide the town where I live to the point where it is "free sperm zone", "50% free", and so on. And between those part, I don't want myself to contaminate the "cleaner" zone so I must wash myself before entering the "more clean" zone.
My mom said when I was an infant, I often puke myself because seeing someone's armpit, looking at animals ****, even eating animal's *** like horse or cat, but it is now cured. What is left is this OCD.
I am really tired of this kind of life that I lived. I am pretty normal in all aspect beside of this damn disorder. What really make me feel I am so cursed in this world is the fact that I know completely it is no harm for me if I interact with sperm (heck, I was carrying the sperm whenever I go) but after it is "outside my body", I feel completely nuts. I know that other people's sperm might be everywhere but I am afraid of my sperm are everywhere.
Sometimes, it is even bothering me the fact that some of those afraid are conflicting the law of physics, for example I am afraid that the sperm is going as far to the ceiling of house when I ejaculated. It's a kind of irony since I love physics and engineering so much and I know it isn't possible to happen, but still... ugh...
I am a bright person, I speak 8 languages even it isn't that good in grammar but at least I am thinking with that languages when I talked. I am capable of dismantling and understand and fixing 4 stroke engines, computers, and machinery stuffs works, I even know how to set-up and securing computer servers. All are self-taught since I dropped-out myself from high school because of that disorder. Peoples from university and corporate even often consult me when they have problems. But heck, this disorder driving me nuts and I rarely happy with my life. The most problem with this is people keep saying "You are good looking, tall, and bright. Why you never have girlfriend/married?". I often said that it is not a problem since Nikola Tesla himself never have such things (and of course, I explained that if it is not because of Nikola Tesla, there is no way we can enjoy electricity the way it is now) but deep down I know it is not because of it, it is because of this disorder, and it is really sad for me. I even cried sometimes. I feel my life is empty.
I live in rural area so there is no psychologist nearby and here in this country there is no psychologist that can be consulted through e-mail.
I smoke a lot because of this.
Sometimes I want to cut of my testicles and penis so I can life normal.
Sometimes I think it is best for me to die.
But sometimes, when I see how nature works, the starry night in my hometown, the face of my father, mother, and sister, I realized that I actually still want to live.
I need help.
hang in there friend, as I type right now I have like a little bit of semen on my right hand, from where I brushed the tissue which I ejaculated into, but I REFUSE TO WASH MY HAND. You sound like you're suffering, but hang in there. As I type this I am suffering too. We are both suffering.
Try to get help and, like you mentioned about the starry sky, think of the grandeur of the world and take comfort in that. I don't know who you are, we could walk past each other in the street tomorrow, but I am with you in spirit x
Ugh, just thinking about that turn me half insane... Like if some members of my family use my keyboard or else. I know others do that, but if I don't know about what they did, it is not a problem. The problem is if I see or know what they did.
Good luck, friend. I am so happy to know others that know what I feel.
Well of course not, every words from someone that knows exactly your problems always means a lot.. But I dunno if I can do that, it is too extreme, I afraid I'll go mad, or worse. But thanks. That was really means a lot. :')
Just wanted to share, that in 2 months I am going to a hypnotherapy that I hope it will help me, to deal with my OCD. I believe in hypnosis as a useful tool to go back to the event/events that caused the OCD to take place, in first place. These events can be talked out, and the anxiety and the compulsions can subside. I will share my results here, as soon as I undergo the therapy.
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