Fear that have contaminated self, things

My OCD is pretty bad, and seems worse now even though on medication. I have a fear of pesticides, and not only do I avoid them, I worry that I have gotten them on me or brought them in the house even when I'm pretty sure I haven't. Once I imagine doing it, then I wonder if I have. I have tried counseling and medication, but even when there's a little improvement, it's not significant. Am going through a really tough time now -- and feel like  a crazy person. I'm afraid to touch shoes I MIGHT have worn that Might have gotten termite pesticide on them because I saw a pest truck parked outside my apartment. I know it sounds crazy, but I still worry that I've gotten contaminated. I really wonder how much longer I can deal with this.

[lola099]

Hi Lily,

I would like to start off by telling you that I can relate. 100%. I also have a fear of contanimation as well. I fear germs and chemicals of every kind, so you can imagine how that works, scared that my house is full of germs but scared to use a disinfectant.

I am in constant fear that I have come into contact with a chemical that can cause damage to mysel, my family or my cat. I do not wear shoes inside my house. I wash my clothes immediately when I get home and shower. I then worry that the chemical is in my washing machine or dryer or that the shower did not remove the chemical from my skin and I never feel clean.

I understand how you feel. I hope that you can find some confort in knowing that you are not alone. But also remember that you are not crazy.

There are many medcations out there, and perhaps the one that you are taking is not the right one for you. Talk to your Dr, and ask for other options. Medication does have it's side affects but it should not leave you feeling worse. Finding the right medication at the right dose will help aleviate the sysmptoms and the unwanted thoughts.

Stay strong.

[Jayswife3]

I totally understand...its awful!  I can make myself think I've got something on me even if I never touched it...I'm pregnant and cannot take meds.. having hard time with it!

[lilysouth]

Thank you. I wrote my post a long time ago and never realized there were any replies. I was a bit better for awhile, but now am worse than before. I made the mistake of reading about termite pesticides and breast cancer (most of my fears start with a fear of cancer), so now am really filled with panic.  I wonder if I deliberately got pesticides on me, I worry every time I step on a wet spot outside, or brush against a wall. I have lost relatives to cancer, so that makes it worse. I have that feeling of wondering what's the point of going on.

[gettinbetr]

I'm fearful of diseases that have no cure.  I always feel like I have one (hiv right now)....and that I will somehow transfer the disease to my grandchildren.  This just makes me want to give up....I hate being like this, but I can't seem to get a "fix" on this disorder.  I'm sorry that you have contamination fears too....I don't like the idea of germs on the bottoms of my shoes either!  Good luck!

[lola099]

I too have this fear, but I refuse to live my life in fear, I refuse. I justt wont do it and why should I? If you can give me one good reason why we should live our lives in constant fear of our irrational thoughts Id love to hear it.Truth is we deserve better and we can get better. Why should we give up when there is so much out there to live for and be happy for. I am terified everyday of some incurable disease, and I think that most people are terrified of that. But the difference is that most people dont feel this way about it. Our fears are real but the way in which they control our lives is not. There is a way out, we do not have to live like this.

[lilysouth]

Thank you and others for the comments.  I also have a fear that I will "lose control" and deliberately touch dangerous things -- lawn pesticides, dry cleaning chemicals, termite treatments, furniture refinishing chemicals -- anything that's a carcinogen.  Then I have to punish myself thinking about it for ages afterward. It's easier just not to go outside.  I was better for awhile, but after reading an article on carcinogens, I seem to have slipped back and am filled with fear.

[lola099]

The internet can prove to be a wonderful tool but for those suffering with OCD I believe it can be the worst thing that we can do.
The main problem with the internet is that not everything on it can be taken as fact. There are many different opinions on the same topic, and when you are scared and obesessed your mind will side with the argument that suits your OCD.
There are many, many things in this world that are carcigogenic. When reading about them are you taking the truth into context. For example, perhaps termite pesticide is, but how much do you need to be exposed to and for how long? A breif encounter, perhaps even having your house treated is probably not long enough to cause a real concern.
You have to take things into context. Aspertame has shown to be carcinogenic in rats. Well we aren't rats. Chocolate and grapes can kill a dog, but are just fine for humans... do you see where Im going with this?
Casual exposure to these things is not going to cause cancer, or the risk is very low. Smoking causes cancer but if you smoke a cigarette or even a pack you are not going to develop cancer from that. It's all about exposure and understanding the context.
Even if you did "lose control" and deliberately touch something, it would not be enough to give you cancer.
You have to really take a deep breath on this one. I know it is hard, And I know it is scary. But you also have to know that you are going to be ok in terms of these exposures.

[lilysouth]

Thanks so much, and what you say is so sensible. But my fear is REALLY crazy...when I see a termite pesticide truck parked near me, I start wondering 'Did I touch it? Did I put the chemicals in my purse? Do I maybe not remember getting in contact with it"? I know that sounds completely insane -- if i heard someone else say it, I'd think they were crazy. So it's very hard to tal about. And hard to ever get relief. I've tried talking to counselors and medication, but am going through a really tough time with it right now, and nothing much seems to help.  Thanks for the replies.

[lilysouth]

I'm sorry...hope you're doing okay, or as okay as you can be. Must be very hard. I do understand.

[lilysouth]

Thank you. Hope you're doing better.

[lola099]

I am feeling much better these days, and you?

[lilysouth]

Thank you. Unfortunately, I'm about the same. I think the worst part is not being able to trust myself.  For years, I worried about germs and it just meant a lot of handwashing. But now it's the not knowing if I've done something bad, brought in pesticides, touched things on purpose to expose myself, etc. -- and it's all so crazy.  I have had meds, but as I said, they just don't seem to help much.  

[lilysouth]

Glad you are feeling better.

[laura7691]

Hi Lilly,
I understand what you're going through. I'm dealing with the same chemical/pesticide issues. I have to rinse my hands after everything I eat for fear of pesticides still lingering on it. I can't even have a slice of pizza without worrying that pesticides are in the tomato sauce! This is one of the most frustrating disorders anyone could ever have. And what's really aggravating is that friends and family have no clue how bad our panic and anxiety is. Have you ever tried the exposure or cognitive behavior therapy? What medication are you on and what dose?