On the 20th of this month I drank a fifth of Jager by myself. I was at home at the apartment I live at but I went outside to smoke a cigar and I don't know what happened after that. When I drink I tend to walk around and I'm not sure if I did that or not because I woke up in my bed the next morning.
Today is the tenth day. My temperature keeps fluctuating from 97.7 to 98.5 in very short amounts of time, I have weird pains in my neck, abdomen and groin area. I can't get the fear that while I was outside I came in contact with someone or something that gave me HIV. I can't tell if these symptoms are from an actual illness or anxiety, it's all I can think about and I can't make myself leave the computer. I want to keep researching. I am afraid that my sickness will get worse in the upcoming days and that I will have a really bad panic attack.
I started counseling yesterday but being the first day, I didn't get just a whole lotta help. Any help guys?
When is your next counseling session? And stop the googling, honestly it just makes a bad situation worse. I can come up with enough irrational thoughts on my own without the internet just adding to my misery and that is what it is doing to you. Your temperature is fine...stop taking it...in fact you don't even have a fever so put the thermometer away. Stop giving into the irrational thought process. Say STOP in your head when your mind starts to go there. When you find yourself sitting down at the computer say NO and make yourself get up. When you feel a twinge and you want to attribute it to HIV, then say something positive like "there is no way I have HIV, I have no risk factors for getting it, NOW ENOUGH." Self-coaching can go a long way.
If I haven't mentioned the following books then maybe make a trip to the book store....The OCD Workbook: YOur Guide to Breaking Free of OCD and Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani (green cover). There is another book balled Brain Lock that people recomment but I honestly haven't read that one.
You are going to be fine. You have taken the first most important step on your road to recovery which is seeing a therapist. Some people just sit around and complain and then don't do anything about it. You are acting, and therefore you are going to get better.
I started on Thursday. She believes I have OCD (Surprise Surprise) and we didn't focus on the HIV thing long. It's just, my head feels really warm but I never quite get to a fever and it really bothers me. Like now for instance. Head feels hot. 98.1. And I think my throat is getting sensitive. I'm still in the red for getting the symptoms (11th day) and just knowing I have weeks before a can get a test bothers me to no end.
And every time I see a new spot on myself I have to thoroughly check everything over. It's taking over pretty much everything at this point.
I want you to try two things today....The first is I want you to lay down on your couch and put your hands on your stomach. Then I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose, count to 5 in your head, and let it all out through your mouth. Continue to do this until you feel calmer. The second thing I want you to try is meditation. There are some wonderful meditation videos on YouTube that leave you feeling like you are part of the couch at the end. You seem to be in such a continuous heightened state of anxiety and I think you need to find a way to bring yourself down to calmness. And remember to self-coach. There is nothing wrong with your throat, nothing wrong with your head (no fever). Nobody stuck you with a needle. Even when a person is stuck with a HIV infected needle, the chances of seroconverting is 0.3 percent so this gives you an idea of how really hard it is to get. Think positive!
I was actually alot calmer today. My head didn't do the hot thing and I felt good. My tongue has a few swollen (taste buds I think) that make it feel like I have something I need to swallow but can't, That bothers me too but I haven't freaked out yet. I want to get a rapid test done at 30 days to ease my mind.
Really, what is left but to think positive LOL Getting tested isn't necessary in my opinion but if it sets your mind at ease then go for it. I'm glad your day was better and please give some thought to my suggestions. Take care!
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