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Girl with HOCD for 2 years
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Girl with HOCD for 2 years

Hello there.

I'm a 21 year old female and I feel like i need help. I'm suffering from what I suspect is Homosexuality OCD, but which in my most anxious or depressed states feel might be repressed homo/bi-sexuality.
It's so cyclical, and endless. It affects my mood so deeply that my sex drive has almost gone. Sex just makes me nervous most of the time (although when I relax it is beautiful). I'm always fighting intrusive thoughts and fears and so I can't relax.
The back story is, (and this is as concise as I can make it) that when I was 12, my mother came out as gay and my parents divorced. Since then, I moved around with my mum to 5 different places (including moving to a new country for a while, and living with her emotionally controlling girlfriend). I generally felt like I was an emotional crutch to my mum while I was growing up. My mum was in many ways a mess, and I was the only person she felt she could talk to. I was separated from my brothers and dad for a long time, and I struggled to keep friends because we were always moving on.

Fast forward to now, and I've been living with my dad for the past 5 years (apart from when I'm at uni) and have had a relatively stable and happy time (apart from my first year of 6th form where my dad worked away midweek, and my brother's both left for uni. I had bad depression that year. But that's another unrelated story). I have a boyfriend of nearly 4 years, who I have shared prettymuch all of my story and worries with. He is very understanding. However, for the past 2 years, I just can't stop freaking out in my head over the thought that I could be gay. I can relate to SO many of the OCD symptoms that are posted on here, intrusive thoughts, groin checking, constantly analysing how attractive i find people of both genders, and whether or not i find them sexually attractive. It makes me feel very isolated. At times i feel so cavernously and unshakeably sad that i think i might still suffer from depression a little.

I just can't shake the thought that I might be lying to myself about who I am, and that in the future i'll have to make the same horrible mistakes that I watched my mum make. That I might have kids one day, and have to make them feel like their childhoods were based on repression and lies too. My brother had a girlfriend of many years, who was also very emotionally needy. He broke up with her for that reason, and she spent the following year being distraught and heart broken. We then found out a year later that she is dating girls now.
This just shakes up even more the weak understanding that I have of sexuality. I mean, how did neither my bro's gf or my mum just NOT KNOW? And based on that, how the hell do I know anything about myself? What so IS the point in relationships? I'm sometimes tempted to leave the stability and love and comfort of my own relationship because I feel like it might release me from my own twisted anxieties that surround sex, and sexual identity.

My darkest fears are: I'm bi/lesbian and I can't admit it. But I need to come out to myself before I go any further with my bf and break his heart. I am lying to myself, and this is the reason that sometimes I find sex hard to cope with.

What I suspect is true: I have HOCD, which makes sense because I have a long history of OCD-like behaviour (and intrusive thoughts. Including the bizarre fear that I was a pedophile when I was 11). I am also just suffering now for the many years that I acted emotionally strong for my mother. This is almost like PTSD, but less extreme.

How can I feel better? I just want anxiety to stop torturing me for answers. I want to relax, and enjoy what I have.
1699033_tn?1405352675
Hi there.  I think you kit the nail right on the head when you wrote

"What I suspect is true: I have HOCD, which makes sense because I have a long history of OCD-like behaviour (and intrusive thoughts. Including the bizarre fear that I was a pedophile when I was 11). I am also just suffering now for the many years that I acted emotionally strong for my mother. This is almost like PTSD, but less extreme."  

Unchecked OCD can definitely lead to depression.  The battle becomes exhausting.  Anyway, I'm glad you have a supportive boyfriend.  I think you know now that OCD is really just a mind game.  The trick is to rein the mind in using some special techniques.  We need to stop the thought the second it happens.  We can't let it go on because when it does, we become lost in it.  Checking...bad...bad...bad.  Over analyzing...bad...bad...bad.  It is work I won't kid you but it is work that needs to be done.  

So you need to see a psychologist and preferably one that teaches CBT.  Get all of this out in the open..all the stress you had growing up where you basically didn't get much of a childhood.  The fact that you were separated from your father and siblings.  All of these things are there in your subconscious just bothering the heck out of you.  You don't have to be conscious of them for them to have an effect on you.  

Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship and you owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to seek treatment.  Doesn't mean you are crazy.  CBT works well but sometimes medication is necessary.  You can discuss this with the psychologist if you want.  

I know this is hard but trust me when I say there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been very down before and I have always come out of it.  I do take medication and I do use CBT.  As time goes on, you get better and better at it.  
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