Aa
Good days, then terrible days
I've been doing great, and had gotten to the point that I never even thought of hiv or had the fear of getting it. I enjoyed a great vacation, and have a amazing relationship with my girlfriend and everybody around me. I could have said I was over it. Then this happened:
One day, my sister had a friend over, that really freaks me out, she's obsessed with me, so I stayed up all night to make sure that she stayed away from me and my stuff. The next day I left for work at 5 am, and for some reason she was at the house until about 4 pm. I got home at 6 pm, and waited for my girlfriend to arrive. When she arrived, we watched a movie, and when everyone was out, decided we would have sex. I opened a new box, and grabbed condom that I thought was sealed, and put it on, but it looked and felt different than the others I had put on out of the same package. It was almost like the lube had dried, so I took it off and got another, without washing my hands or anything. We did our business, and then my ocd took over. "What if somebody tampered your condom and put hiv infected material in it?" Like I mean, I think somebody somehow injected sperm or vaginal fluid into my new three pack of condoms, because I checked the other two, and they seemed fine, but the first one was really weird. But we both thought it to be sealed. This really bugs me and scares me. I can't seem to find anything in the forums over whether this is an hiv risk if it could have happened or not
One day, my sister had a friend over, that really freaks me out, she's obsessed with me, so I stayed up all night to make sure that she stayed away from me and my stuff. The next day I left for work at 5 am, and for some reason she was at the house until about 4 pm. I got home at 6 pm, and waited for my girlfriend to arrive. When she arrived, we watched a movie, and when everyone was out, decided we would have sex. I opened a new box, and grabbed condom that I thought was sealed, and put it on, but it looked and felt different than the others I had put on out of the same package. It was almost like the lube had dried, so I took it off and got another, without washing my hands or anything. We did our business, and then my ocd took over. "What if somebody tampered your condom and put hiv infected material in it?" Like I mean, I think somebody somehow injected sperm or vaginal fluid into my new three pack of condoms, because I checked the other two, and they seemed fine, but the first one was really weird. But we both thought it to be sealed. This really bugs me and scares me. I can't seem to find anything in the forums over whether this is an hiv risk if it could have happened or not
You didn't do anything...this is our biology unfortunately. So you have two choices...well 1 really but broken down into two things. You need to see a psychologist and learn CBT and then you may or may not need to be on medication.
Think of it this way. If you were diabetic, you would be injecting yourself with insulin right. Why is this any different? It is something for which medication can be effective.
Think of it this way. If you were diabetic, you would be injecting yourself with insulin right. Why is this any different? It is something for which medication can be effective.
I just don't understand what I did to deserve what I've been dealt and wonder why everything is closing in on me
I also have a fear of people trying to do stuff to me. Like just today I was in a weird spot under a machine, with my buttocks up in the air, and I couldn't see behind me, when I crawled out one of the truckers was standing there, so I couldn't help but think "what if he stuck me with something while I wasn't paying attention?"
I'm actually able to function in society now, and if I'm correct I've been on it since before my last post. I still have trouble getting drinks from fast food restaurants, and certain people bug me, which I hate, because before this I was not a judgemental person whatsoever
Okay...so how is the medication going? How long have you been on it and have you seen any improvement at all?
List the ways in which you have gotten help for OCD/HIV Anxiety other than posting on this forum. I need to know what you have done so I can tell you the next steps.
I've been slowly developing a fear of sleepwalking and doing risky activities in my sleep, I've also heard that some medications can cause sleepwalking, could this be happening?
You are not going to get over this until you get the proper help. Trust me because I have been where you are and without the help of a psychologist and books, I wouldn't be where I am today.
New one today. Got out of my vehicle to get something in the store and forgot to lock it. Now I'm afraid that somebody may have put something underneath my seat cover
My fears exactly. They have never been described that well, it's weird that I'm scared to die in this way, but if it was anything else, I wouldn't care. I have no fear of death, but death in that way is what scares me.
Hey, I hear that. It all stems from some fear of death or a loved one. That's exactly what causes my cardiophobia and my obsessive thinking of it. I fear not being able to marry my fiancée and give her a family like she deserves, that I would check out too early.
Thank yall for the help. I am trying to get through this, and it seems like everything is just tearing me down. I do apologize for bugging y'all so much but the best help I have is here. I guess it's just my biggest fear is not being able to fulfill my dream of being a father, and this is the only thing that would prevent that
Hahaha, good job JGF25. I do the exact same thing. If I think my heart is failing or I'm having a heart attack, I hit the treadmill or run up flights of stairs. The proof is in the results. I feel better afterwards.
Persevere through the books....you will be thankful for it at the end. People with OCD cannot give up and they cannot give in. If I thought for a second that I might not be able to drive for some stupid reason, the first thing I would do is go and get in my car and drive even if it is in the middle of the night.
JGF25 is right. At some point it boils down to to saying enough is enough. The first step is admitting and acceptance. You have to truly believe it. I myself struggle with that part too. But I find when I'm able to believe it, I'm 100% back to normal. Occasionally though, for whatever reason, I don't believe it. I'm new to this so I'm still finding my triggers and ways to manage it.
I started to read it along with another, but I felt like it only made things worse on me. I started reading my other one again the other day, and now I think I had an exposure at a gas pump, so I'll say books aren't for me.
At some point you need to say ENOUGH and move on. I liked the book Self-coaching by Joseph Luciani. You can download it at an E-read. Give it a free sneak peak and see what you think.
I don't have five people that I trust. But my girlfriend thinks it's ridiculous, and my mother would think the same. But my best friend had the same problems as me
Have you done the "So What?" exercise? Have you written it down until you can't go any further? It's a quite common exercise and will help you look at it rationally. Have you learned how to deflect the OCD onto something else yet, kind of like a mirror? Have you done a role play yet for this situation. If you sat 5 of your closest friends down, the people that care about you the ABSOLUTE most and told them what you think. What would their opinion be? You don't actually have to do it, but can write it down.
Yes, I'm extremely stressed right now. And I couldn't help but to think that somebody had messed with it, because like I said, it was drastically different than the other two in the package
123tushar07 is absolutely correct. Have you sought therapy at all? It does help in finding triggers for OCD. Also, you have to remember that you make some progress, you regress a little bit, make some more progress, regress a little bit again, etc. It goes on and on and slowly heals.
What you have to realize is that nobody tampered with the condom to begin with so there is no "putting HIV contaminated material in it." And second HIV cannot live without being inside of the host, i.e., human, monkey so there can be no way whatsoever that HIV was spread via what you are talking about.
Are you more stressed than usual? Maybe a heightened stress situation is what is making your HIV anxiety come back.
Are you more stressed than usual? Maybe a heightened stress situation is what is making your HIV anxiety come back.
So I did not put my girlfriend at risk by not washing my hands before changing condoms, and I wasn't ever at risk?
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