H-OCD this is not livin this is hell

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this voice in my head just wont let go i been told that ive had OCD since a very young age due to the things ive told my therapist i find everything and every1 to be gay or to be doin things in a gay manor i look at photos of the past and i crack up coz i look at that person (which is me) and worry that i might never get back to that happyness. i can remember i had this illness about 10years ago were i thought i was gay and it crushed me then dont no how or way it went away but its deffo back now with avengeance but then i think how can being gay be there and X-amount of months and years later im not gay !?!?!?!??! you are either gay or not surely. my therapist tells me to invite the intruesive thoughts in and dont fight them, to accept the uncertainy of life but thats easyer said than done when there totally against what i am but as ive read b4 of some1 else once youve beaten a certain part of the OCD bully it quickly finds something else to attack i must say the word gay in my head at least 70-100 times a day as soon as i look at any male something inside my head says the words "fit,sexy,good lookin" and "you fancy him" sometimes i dont even see his face and yet them same words just repeat in my twisted head this all started in oct last year and my head has been battered and pushed around that much that i dont even no who is saying what anymore my therapist has told me to watch gay porn and i felt nothing but Disgustment no nice warm feeling in my body anywere, ive also been to a few gay bars and again the same i felt nothing towards the other gay lads yet every ****in mornin i ask myself have i changed, am i gay i am now gettin these horrible urges to do things to myself and to other people,i also ave P-OCD which again is totally crippling i ave a beautiful girlfriend and two beautiful healty little boys and i would never hurt them with this madness that is in my twisted head can any1 relate to what ive been goin through i hope not for your sake all i no is that i was very happy b4 oct 09 and now i feel doomed with no freedom and peace of mind not sure how long i can keep this goin i often think to myself death is the only way out