H-OCD?

[refuso]

Hi,

Firstly a little background. I'm a 21 year old male, I've had sexual relationships with 3 girls since the age of 18 (although not a lot so I'm not overly experienced). I am a Christian, which I know contradicts my sexual behaviors, and even more so as I explain my problem, and it's not something I am proud of but it's something I want to fix. I appear to have a high sexual drive, I haven't really ever had a long term relationship and I can count the amounts of times I've had sex on one hand.

I'm not completely sure where my high sex drive comes from, however I find myself masturbating quite often. I do seldom bring up porn on my laptop also. My problem is this: I am totally not attracted to men - I don't walk down the street thinking how hot some guy is, or how sexy they look. I'm just not mentally or physically attracted in that sense at all - I'm relatively certain I'm straight because of that. Lately though, whilst looking at porn or whatever I have wondered what it would be like to perform oral sex on a man - and the thought of it seemed to arouse me. In turn, since this clearly conflicts with my whole belief system, lifestyle and sexual preferences, I'm a little confused as to what's happening.

I initially thought I could be experiencing some sort of sexual identity crisis; however after some research I became familiar with the term H-OCD (Homosexual OCD). I understand the differences between H-OCD and being homosexual, however I'm unsure where I would stand simply because there's a clear contradiction going on here - that giving oral sex would apparently arouse me. That said though, I doubt I would nor could ever do it "in real life" - so I wonder if it's just an odd sexual fantasy I have - or whether I do have an issue where obtrusive unwanted (or not if they "turn me on") thoughts?

If someone could clarify this for me, give me advice or just further understanding of what I'm experiencing and what I should do about it, I'd be grateful. It's quite concerning since I don't want to be gay, I am not attracted to men and doing anything with a guy - other than oral sex apparently - just doesn't *work* for me - yet I'm experiencing this problem.

Thanks for your time reading, I look forward to your responses. I know that if it is H-OCD that it could lead to numerous other issues in my life, and so I want to resolve this as soon as possible.

-refuso

[Rubber123]

Hey Refuso,

I'm a 25 year-old heterosexual male who has been going through much of the same during the past couple months. Just like yourself, I haven't had sex with too many women (5 total), I've always been exclusively attracted to women, had crushes on ones that weren't exactly model-like but "did it" for me and because of a "failure" during one of my sexual relations with my ex-girlfriend (it happens to all of us), I started doubting whether I was truly straight or not. That was the trigger. And after that point, I looked for every bit of information in my past to confirm or deny my heterosexuality. It became an obsession of mine to look for confirmation in EVERYTHING. These occurrences in the past included masturbation to gay porn during my teen years on one occasion, having the overwhelming feeling that I was losing my sexual attraction for women and that I was transferring it to men in the present and other things. The minutest element of my childhood and my teenage years would seem to support my being gay rather than straight. All of this seems absurd coming from a man who has never touched or desired to touch another man sexually and has only had desires (sexual and emotional) for women but my brain keeps telling me that I must be gay or that I'm not as straight as I think. It feels like it is the mind playing tricks on itself and looking for an answer in the gnarled ways of the brain further feeds its trickery.

I then looked for evidence of what made me straight, how I never had been physically attracted to men, never engaged in sexual activity with men, how I am still not attracted to men, how I consider the possibility of kissing another man awkward and unnatural etc. And I would then doubt my own sexual convictions by saying that I must have been fooling myself into being straight, that I was only feeling arousal because of some odd combination of external factors that masked my "true gay self". When I go out drinking and start making out with a woman, I forget about it and get an instant erection upon body contact but when I'm sober, it seems that the need for confirmation becomes a deterrent and does not let me truly enjoy the moment. Therefore, I forget about actually enjoying myself and I over-think things drastically. "Am I doing this right? Why am I not having an erection? Why does this amazing-looking woman not do anything for me?" These sorts of questions kept popping up in my mind when I was sober and with a woman during the past few months, whereas, when I was under the effect of alcohol, the prospect of talking to a woman or holding her in my arms would give me an erection on the spot and I would not seek any sort of confirmation. I would simply indulge.

What I am trying to get at it is the following: I too can feel sexual arousal by being exposed to gay pornography and have become less "sexually" stimulated by normal straight pornography. I personally believe that I have been exposing myself to too much pornography (straight and lesbian) over the years and am vowing to stay away from it for as long as necessary. Too much of something is never good. Anyways, the fact that gay porn can be arousing can be due to the fact that gay/tranny/weird/different pornography is something marginalized, taboo, which in itself turns us on a lot more than a simple missionary bang-bang that we see in normal porn and mainstream movies alike. Sex is everywhere nowadays and we've become numb to sensuality, therefore leading us to seek whatever gives us that "scintillating" sexual edge. Don't overthink or analyze it - it's the worst thing you can do. Just say, "Ok, I'm not going to play along and I'll just let my mind shut itself up." Avoid going online to check porn and reduce your masturbation habits. If you do feel the urge to masturbate, use your imagination (with a woman) and no image/video aids. You will see that this eventually allows you to relax and be yourself again, a normal heterosexual male who does not fear nor doubt his own sexuality. I've noticed that when I reach crisis periods, I tend to masturbate a lot more and this only exacerbates my anxiety. It's a form of seeking confirmation which is a double-edged sword. The best thing to do is to keep your mind busy with other things, try not to think about sex as that will trigger things in your head and avoid pornography and masturbation for a certain period of time. You will realize one day that it was all "bull" and that you were indeed out of your mind. The road is long and winding (I'm still on it) but if you stay strong and "fight" the beast, you will defeat it. Good luck to you man.

[refuso]

Hey,

Thanks for your comment. I've been researching it a lot more, and I think one of the key points to arousal is the fact it's seen as a "forbidden" sexual act. Basically it would look as though the whole thing is a fantasy and nothing more. A lot of lesbians fantasise about having sex with a man, but they would never do it nor does it mean they want to - it's all about the "forbidden" act. What we can't have we most often want in some weird sense, and that can be arousing to think of but less arousing to actually perform. As it's against what I believe, and I'm simply not attracted by it; in a high state of arousal it can seemingly stimulate me more. It's odd how our minds work!

-refuso

[anxiouslauz]

Hi!

I'm a 21 year old female and a few years ago I experienced the exact same things as you.  I thought a LOT about having sex with girls and i looked at lesbian porn occasionally.  I even (once) had a sexual experience with a girl.  

I suffer from OCD and thinking about it those thoughts could have been intrusive sexual thoughts.  I never really thought about it like that.  I think some people just fantasize about slightly more odd things than others and it's nothing more than a bit of curiosity.  I also think that it happens when u start having sexual experiences.  It's natural really!  I'm certain i'm not gay and I'm guessing you're not either.

Those feelings have more or less passed for me now and they will for you too I'm sure. Just look at porn a bit less maybe??  And don't feel guilty about your feelings- you're normal, i promise!  It's very common to feel like that, it's just a bit of a taboo subject I think!

Laura