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HELP! - What i hope is a major HOCD spike!!

Hi, I’ve previously posted on this website in regards to my HOCD. I had been doing really well over the past few months; I was able to shake the thoughts off like a regular person would, until about 4 days ago. I had a spike, probably one the worst ones I have ever experienced, and my life has honestly been hell since. A couple of things happened, first off, for my friend’s birthday, everyone wanted to go to the strip club, and I broke down because I just didn’t want to go. Second, I found out that one of my friends came out, and she had previously dated guys… I’m questioning everything and it’s truly horrible. When I reached out to a friend of mine, her response was “you know, maybe you’re bisexual” and having (or hoping, praying) I have HOCD, this comment only made everything much much worse. I’ve been analyzing every little piece of information from my past, I’ve been taking tests online, just to get myself out of this downfall.

I’ve had a boyfriend for about 9 months now, and I tell him all the time that he is honestly the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anybody before. But with this spike, it’s like I’ve been avoiding him, scared that my attraction to him will fade. He knows about my HOCD and is extremely understanding about it, but I just feel bad that he has to deal with this too, I mean it must not be easy.

I’ve also spoken to one of my friends, who is soon to be doctor, and she said she’d previously treated people like me as well. She said she doesn’t believe I am a lesbian, or bi, because I would be more concerned about coming out, then I would be about being lesbian. However, with that said, I started questioning and of course over analyzing every little thing “well maybe that is what im afraid of?” “no, that’s not it” and it’s honestly never ending! Everyone keeps telling me “well it’s you, you should know how you feel” And it’s true, but I feel like with the anxiety I have, plus the OCD, it’s impossible for me to be certain of how I feel. I’ll tell myself, “no, you’re not a lesbian, because you are still attracted to guys” and then I second guess myself, saying “am I though? Or am I just saying this to make myself feel better” and that is pretty much how every single thought over the past few days, regarding this HOCD has been. It’s exhausting and just horrible. I’ve cried for four days straight, it’s just not fun.

While I was searching the web for stories, I realized that a lot of people say they always knew they were gay, and then, as you can imagine, I started to think. I keep analyzing every little detail in my life and now that’s all I can think about. I remember when I was little, I experimented with some of my girl friends, we would play house and we were a mom and a dad and we would kiss. But I don’t remember how I felt about it, so is that it? Is that the sign that I’ve known all my life? SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME! Then when I was 17, I remember putting my friends hair behind her ear, and she looked at me and said “lesbo” and that was it, I felt my face turn red as though she had just revealed my biggest secret! LIKE WHAT THE HELL! And when I was 18, and I had started my first real relationship, I remember have a panic attack of needed to break up with him because he cant date a lesbian… (I feel like that’s where it really started…) When im sleeping over at my friends house, it’s like I feel uncomfortable if they want to spoon with me… It’s like when I’m around my girl friends, I feel like I have to watch what I say, and during this spike, I just wanted to shut everyone out, in fear that I become attracted to them.

I remember, that like when I was about 16, I had a best girl friend, and she was comfortable with herself and stuff and she would like do pole dances for her bf (fully clothed) and I remember getting nervous because It made me feel uncomfortable, and maybe aroused? I DON’T REMEMBER! This is what I’m saying, like doesnt this mean ive known my whole life like other gay people?  I’m so scared, angry, irritated, sad, annoyed and frustrated!! I DON’T WANT TO BE A LESBIAN! And like, when we would play truth or dare, I always felt like someone was going to ask me truth and I would have to just say im a lesbian… like I just don’t understand why this is happening… it is seriously the wore feeling I have ever had! If I could be OCD about anything else in the world, I’d be GREAT! And the last thing, I have always been a very insecure person, and recently one of my teachers asked me why im so afraid to be myself, and when people ask me that, it’s like I have “well you see, it’s cause im probably gay” in the back of my mind. Like to me I feel that’s what people are implying to me, when they say be yourself.  I’ve always pictured myself getting married (to my boyfriend actually, ive had a crush on him since we were little), having kids together, traveling the world etc.

I don’t know what this means, and my friend said to settle it once and for all, I should just go out a kiss a girl and see how I feel. YA RIGHT, I’m way to afraid to do that, because what if I am gay? And I like it? Then honestly idk what I’d do with myself. I’m back to the point  I just want my life back to how it was over the last few months, enjoying life with my boyfriend, talking about our future together! With this illness, it makes me question everything, to the point where I  say “I have to break up with him, im a lesbian, theres no other option” and if I lost him, my life would over. Can someone please help me!!! I cannot live like this!!!

I feel like there's so much I left out.. anyways something I wanted to add, was that yesterday, when i spoke to my doctor friend, I was a mess... and she simply said, because i am currently in college, away from my family and my boyfriend, that my mind is very vulnerable right now, so this could be why.. is this true?
It's just a constant battle with myself, and i am honestly exhausted.. like maybe i should just give up the whole thing and be a lesbian... NO WHAT AM I SAYIN!? ughh someone please help :'(

Will this ever go away? :'(
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Avatar universal
Omg, reading your story has made me feel absolute relief that their is someone out there that feels the EXACT SAME as me. Everything you just said is me. Everything you just wrote I experience on a daily basis. I have a boyfriend who I absolute love more than anything i’ve ever loved and this HOCD is ruining me. I have other symptoms to the ones you’ve mentioned but I hope you haven’t had to experience them. I have trouble orgasming with my boyfriend although I love him more than anything. Sometimes I have trouble getting aroused but thats because silly boyfriend doesn’t want to foreplay which I know is the reason for that. My anxiety looks at this and goes ‘it’s because you’re lesbian and want to be with a girl’ and I have to stop myself from running to the bathroom and cutting my wrists as punishment for having that thought. I’ve also tested myself by watching porn and lesbian porn gets me more aroused than straight porn and I hate it. I’ve done heaps of research on this and found that multitudes of straight woman watch lesbian porn because straight porn is always some ‘hot babe’ with some ugly dude and is done to please a man a lot more than women because it’s usually the man who REALLY cums and he never doesn’t the woman right while lesbian porn, they know what to do to each other and women feel empathy from this because it is done right. I’m not attracted to the women EVER when i’ve tested myself but because of the empathy I always finds it turns me on because I know what they’re both feeling, and it disgusts me that this happens. I love men so much and I have only ever felt strong, passionate feelings of nervousness, happiness and love for men and that’s how i’ve always been, but my mind will look at a girl on instagram or a girl I pass in the street and say ‘you think she’s pretty, you’re a lesbian’ although if I let myself go with the thought and it’s more jealously of beauty and not attraction as I don’t want to be with them at all. And I HATE that my attraction to men is gone in a way. I look at men and think ‘yum they’re hot’ but my mind won’t want to stare or my mind will try to convine me it’s gross or just doesn’t seem interested while women if I think they’re pretty my brain just stares because of the HOCD which I know this is ‘false attraction’ because if I allow myself to go with the thoughts I just don’t want to be with them or get with them while when I looked at men before my boyfriend, I’d fantasise myself with them and it would be so good and I would see myself going for that outside my intrusive thoughts. As I write all this I hope you see that I have HOCD just like you and hope it makes you feel better than I have I have it too. And don’t worry as I write this I keep thinking of more and more symptoms I have and more and more thoughts against everything that says I’m straight and I just want to hurt myself for it. If you would like to message me and talk about it I’d be more than happy to get in touch as I really need someone who knows exactly how I feel as support because I talk about this to my mum and only my mum because she knows so much about my depression/anxiety/BDD/OCD issues since I was young (I’m nearly 19 now and have had issues for years, ive had weird OCD rituals since I was 5 years old) but my mum doesn’t understand what it’s like.
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Avatar universal
Thank you so so much! You have no idea how much of a relief your comment has been! I am going home over christmas break, but when I return here for school in january, I am absolutely going to seek help! I seriously thank you so so much though, you've truly given me hope!!
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1699033 tn?1514113133
You need to rely on the past positive experiences.  You were better for a few months.  How did you get there?  What did you change in order to feel better?  OCD comes and goes.  Sometimes it is a different thought and sometimes it is the same thought.  I think if you were truly gay the thought of kissing a girl would be second nature.  It would be no big deal because you would want to kiss a girl.  The fact that you don't means you are not gay.  Seek psychological help please otherwise you may keep doing this back and forth for a long time.  
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