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HELP! Existential/Philosophical/Solipsism OCD

Hello, (Warning if sensitive to Philosophical stuff)

To get straight to the point, I'm 21, I have been diagnosed with Pathological/ Existential/Philosophical/Solipsism OCD. I used to have HOCD, Schizo-OCD, fear of becoming blind, fear of liking my mom (ie sexually) and Pedo-OCD, etc but my current bout is on a whole another level (like 100x more intense, panic attack level). I don't have any physical compulsions, but I do try to fight it through logic in my mind. It's been around a month since I was trying to fall asleep and thought, what if this world was my imagination and everything was a part of my perception. This sent me into anxiety. The next day, while I was taking a shower, I thought of the movie Inception, good movie btw, (Fight Club, Beautiful Mind, Truman Show probably didn't help either) and wondered what if I was in a dream and had a panic attack where I thought my head was going to explode. I wondered if I had to commit suicide to get back to the real world.

These thoughts led to schizo-Ocd or (maybe the Schizo-OCD led to the reality doubts) and doubting my memory (whether certain events actually happened and even though I know I was fine before, my brain finds loopholes to surpass my logic, like you created your memory rather than it is your actual memory even though I know it's my actual memory (ie doubt). There's always loopholes which is OCD I guess.

I had constant anxiety/panic attacks and my memory/concentration is lacking. I question everything (ie Why do I see what I see, why do we stop at a green light?, stupid questions, etc.) My main fear is the false sense of reality (ie Solipsism, living in a dream, and even though I know solipsism is just a thought experiment and people are, in fact, real my mind says you've been teleported into a dream/another reality where everything is the same except it's your perception, ie loopholes). I feel like I opened up a Pandora's Box of thoughts, a 2nd tier of uncontrollable thoughts. I should've just stayed in the 1st tier. My mind is so cluttered with thoughts and hectic. I'm a mess mentally.

My psychiatrist put me on Prozac (fluoxetine) and upgraded my dosage to 40mg and 2x 1mg Clonazapem (klonopin) and I have my ups and downs. However, my downs are really down and low (bad depression where I breakdown and cry, which makes me feel better for some reason) since being upgraded to 40mg on Friday due to school starting soon. I started at 10mg for a week then 20mg for 2 weeks which didn't seem to do much, but you can't tell in that short of a span with these SSRI's and my highs aren't that high. Sometimes I don't have any emotion which also *****. The derealization/depersonalization makes it worse. I have a therapist but she doesn't specialize in OCD but I guess it's better than nothing. I'll be transferred to an OCD specialist mid September.

I care about people and my friends and family so this is why this OCD is latching onto me so hard but I'm in so much pain. My family is in a financial struggle and my mom and dad always fight (hurt me terribly to see my family so disjointed and I'm an only child) which probably added to the stress which led to the attack (maybe subconsciously trying to escape from this reality?). Sometimes I feel if I just black out, the world will end, reality will end.

However, my mom and dad both love me and are doing their best to help me out and not fight and care for me during this time which I appreciate. But I keep doubting whether my parents are real or a part of my imagination (silly but it's painfully annoying). I don't have that "connection" to myself or with people that I used to, especially if I doubt their reality. Also, I'm an introvert, shy, and pessimistic and don't have good stress coping strategies which contribute to my condition.

I'm not interested in anything I was before (ie sports, music, girls, etc.) I just want to reset my brain, like brainwash it to where it was when I was fine. I don't even know what feeling fine is anymore. I'm constantly anxious about something and don't know how to interpret my thoughts (ie whether a feeling is from the family stress or the OCD stress, etc.) I try to match my feelings to before when I was fine but it's so hard. Nothing has really changed in reality except in my mind.

I'm eating healthy and taking in vitamin B, min tran, Protein, along with exercise to help out but sometimes I feel like it'll never end. I ask, "What's the purpose of life, why am I on Earth, why was I born on when I was and not another date, why was I born on Earth, etc. Questioning every single thing imaginable. My psychiatrist says it takes about 3 months for it to go away but it seems like an eternity.

Sometimes I feel like there is hope, hopeless, but then days where my Anxiety/OCD/Depression hits hard, I feel like giving up but suicide is NOT an option, but I just know I can't live like this forever. Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking, whether I'm believing these thoughts or not, etc. I'm scared if I get better, it'll just come back into another form or this will have a traumatic effect on me.

I'm trying to get back into Christianity to help cope, my family is Christian but my mind says "in your imagination you created Christianity so it tries to negate that belief." My family and friends are the most important thing in the world to me, I just want to be brainwashed back into thinking that the world is real, people are real, life is real. But this past month has been a living hell. I want to believe these thoughts are false but the doubts just bring them back, plus I don't "feel" right. All of you sufferers will know what I'm talking about when feeling "right".

This might sound foolish but I'd rather have cancer than OCD/Depression at this severity. I just want to get back to normal, I'm doing whatever it takes and hope it'll go away with time like the HOCD which was pretty bad but nothing debilitating. It's a month I'd like to forget. I want to chase my dreams and ambition but this stupid illness is preventing me from it and since the mind is more abstract, it's scarier especially when dealing with "false reality" for me. I just wish there was a machine to reset your brain (ie like Reformatting your computer).

Sorry for the long post but need some support and guidance during this time.  It just seems like one long nightmare. I'm just assuming that people are real and that there are people who can help me in this world.

In before TL;DR but please read and support
Thanks,
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Hi Sam...I have posted before that I think OCD should be renamed OMG for obsessive mind game and for those Oh My God moments.  I just want you to know that I have thought a lot of the same thoughts you have been through plus others you have not been through which I won't list because as you know, anything we hear or see becomes fuel for the fire that is OCD.  I have wondered whether our current lives equate to purgatory and what we do in the here and now will get us to God.  It even sounds stupid as I write it!  

I think the toughest part is that we know these thoughts are irrational, I mean we are smart people, but knowing that isn't always the answer obviously.  We constantly test ourselves, and when we finally resolve something it is replaced by yet another test.  The key is to not fight it because the more we do the worse it gets.  

I also understand your need for this to go away and to be normal again.  The bonus is that you know you WILL be normal again, it just is going to take some time.  You know this, because you have lived through it before so that in itself should be comforting.  Remind yourself of that when you are in that OCD cycle.  

You are way ahead of the game here.  You may not believe it but you really are.  You know the thoughts are irrational, you are seeing a psychiatrist and you are taking medication for it.  The increased dosage in Prozac will take some time to take effect as you probably know.  You need a really good 4-6 weeks of being at the optimal dose to get the real benefits.  Take the klonopin as instructed.  It will actually build up to a steady state in your system and be more helpful.  I take it myself.  

The other thing I would suggest is seeking out a Psychologist to go hand-in-hand with the Psychiatrist.  There are psychologists that specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy and I think that goes a long way with the medication.  Most Psychiatrists do not teach CBT but you can discuss this with yours and if they don't perhaps they can give you the name of someone that does.  Usually at that point the psychiatrist just takes over the medication and the psychologist takes over the actual therapy part.

Here is a book that I also found very helpful during my last major OCD crisis which was in May.  It is called Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani and it has a green cover.  I read that thing to death and it really helped me.  

Also, I am glad to see that you know that suicide is not the answer.  Yes, if we were not here we would not be suffering but compared to having cancer or something like that, we are better off.  I know you don't think that now but we truly are.  Your derealization/depersonalization will go away, I promise you!  And you will be able to do all those things on your to-do list.  

If you want to know more about me, then you can read "About me" under my name.  It does not list everything I have been through becasue that would take an entire book, but you will get the gist about me and that I understand you and what you are going through.  

Feel free to post again here if you need to talk or you can PM me and I will respond.  Keep me posted as to how you are doing!  You WILL get over this.  



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Avatar universal
I have this, I hope  it's only ocd or psycosis. When i  was a little  girl i had lucid dreams and sometimes  i thought that i was dreaming  even if i was woke up. I also had  fear about  becoming blind, my granpa died for cancer etc..... When  Iwas 19 (today  I'm  46) i become  thinking that the entire universe,  people, objects etc.....were a figment of my mind, without reading Descartes etc... Than one years ago  i become thinking again, there are a lot of strange coincidences !. Movies like  vanilla sky, I think  after watching it  my fears came back !.  I search on  internet and i  found a lot of proof, creative subconscious etc.... So  you re not solipsistic, maybw  I am !
Laura (from Italy)
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Sorry when i Was 19 i began thinking that the entire universe were a figment of my mind.....
Avatar universal
Have you read Kant's "The Critique of Pure Reason"? Your questioning sounds like you have. Each day you wake up is your reality. Hope things are better for you.
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Avatar universal
The way you overcome this ,is to use dialectical logic, if a proposition is true then the contradiction must also be true. You cannot have day without night,you cannot have sleep without wake, you cannot have lie without truth, you cannot have illusion ,(like the flip book) without reality, if you were in the flip book and God was fooling you, then how could you have knowledge of God fooling you? God fooling you means you are fooled ,you wouldn't have the information that God was fooling you,if you were fooled ! Remember Neo had to have Morpheus show him the Matrix wasn't real ,before that he assumed it was reality, Someone in a locked room from birth to death with no knowledge of the outside world is not capable of asking  " Is there an outside world , or is this room it?"  That you can ask "is this a flip book?" proves that isn't! It is ok to be certain it is not a flip book, it is ok to be certain.  This attitude along with dialectical logic ( I am a Marxist)  brings me out of my ocd WITHOUT meds.  
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Avatar universal
i wanted to express that i love reading these posts, because it makes me realize i am not alone in the world. i am 46 and started having pure ocd/anxiety at a very young age. around 20, i started with the sexual stuff 'am i gay' - even though i had never been with the opposite sex (which is fine). it just wasn't me, and i could not stop thinking about it.  it drove me crazy.  then it morphed into the existential worrying about 'why are humans here?'  'why am i here?'  'why do humans look this way?' 'are we scary looking?' etc., etc.  and it has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety.

as you all have noted; it eventually goes away. but when you are in it - it's HARD. paxil/xanax and some cbt helped.  until i got cocky, and went off the meds.  now it's back and sucking.....anywhoo........

all i can say is we are a special breed and my best to all of you.  you are not alone. you will prevail.

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I am very curious about OptimisticPrime nowadays. I got very confident of his process, of how he had the wild running thoughts, and how it went better. I don't want to write a long message on what I'm going through and what I think. I just want to know what is up with you nowadays.
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Hi Sam,

I've been reading your post on this form and it's making me feel a lot better. I'm going through a very similar issue as you went through... In regards to solipsism. It's so scary to me!!! I know deep down that it's illogical but I can't seem to trust my self on the subject. I would love to talk with you about it, what helped you beat this and how you are doing now? I can't keep living like this, it's awful :( I need to get back to my life ! I feel like I'm no longer a part of it.
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Avatar universal
Just wanted to say, well said! I too have had a few bouts with political philosophy myself - I think it was inevitable due to the nature of political science: there are no real defined lines - socialists can be fascists, fasicts can be right and left, and to top it all off, it can pervade all parts of our lives and have direct reflections- the music we listen to, the art we like, etc. Thank you for making me realize that I am not the only one and that indeed we should pursue our passions and be brave enough to keep thinking about complex matters. You touched on this yourself but I wanted to add that I have found it useful to just say to myself, " Well, many people go to school and make a living pondering things that have no real answers. If I really need to go down this rabbit hole, I can always go to school and study philosophy, politics, etc. Until then, I really don't have all the information to make a decision or find an answer". I'm lucky I only get "bouts" that last a few hours or a day. Once I get bored or stop caring, it goes away and comes back 6 months or a year later. Peace :)
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Avatar universal
Yo

Some people say reality is not real and if you feel that way too, maybe you should consider trying to stop fighting it so much and go with it. It should liberate you to genuinely think reality's not real, like having a lucid dream. You can pursue your dreams with more gusto knowing that if you fail, the failure's not real; if you get rejected, the rejection's not real- anything unpleasant is not really unpleasant because it's not real.

This does not mean you can get away with being mean to people, though- quite the opposite, actually. It can allow you to always be the bigger person because whatever other people do is not really real, even if it hurt, you know it's not real.

You think it's a disease but this is what I imagine all the enlightened people we hear about, like Jesus and Buddha, felt like. They truly believed this world to not be real/ important and were able to be more loving and caring towards those less enlightened, who took everything seriously.
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Yo

Some people say reality is not real and if you feel that way too, maybe you should consider trying to stop fighting it so much and go with it. It should liberate you to genuinely think reality's not real, like having a lucid dream. You can pursue your dreams with more gusto knowing that if you fail, the failure's not real; if you get rejected, the rejection's not real- anything unpleasant is not really unpleasant because it's not real.

This does not mean you can get away with being mean to people, though- quite the opposite, actually. It can allow you to always be the bigger person because whatever other people do is not really real, even if it hurt, you know it's not real.

You think it's a disease but this is what I imagine all the enlightened people we hear about, like Jesus and Buddha, felt like. They truly believed this world to not be real/ important and were able to be more loving and caring towards those less enlightened, who took everything seriously.
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Hey Sam, my name is Charlie and I'm 18 years old and going through the same thing right now, for a while i've thought I was the only one going through this and have been looking for someone else with the same problem, I really would like to talk to you about it, if you can please shoot me an email at ***@****. Thanks man
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Avatar universal
No worries at all. Your post actually helped me a lot in getting through it as well.

There's no doubt in my mind that I've got OCD, but there's also no doubt that it's curable. Whether or not it requires medical drugs or psychiatric help I'm not totally sure, but it can definitely be beaten.
I think in your case the fluoxetine definitely helped you and you made the right choice in taking it, as you were obviously suffering quite badly and it seems to have helped you recover. It seems to have helped other people get over OCD and depression as well so it obviously works. The reason I didn't want to take it is mainly because it supposedly makes you 'sexually inactive' (i.e. not interested in sex, or not being able to get aroused). I'm one of the horniest guys around, so that kind of thing doesn't sound too pleasing to me!

There were some other side effects I read up on as well; being anxiety, upset stomach, nervousness (a bit odd being an anti-depressant?) sleeping disorders and some other things. I took another anti-depressant called Sertraline about 4 years ago, and had similar symptoms after taking it that lasted for the first few days or week (i.e. sleeplessness, upset stomach, etc) and my body seemed to adjust to it after that, as my doctor explained to me, and it did seem to help me. Whether or not the side effects you get from fluoxetine are temporary or long term I really don't know, but that's my main concern in taking it.

With regards to Solipsism, it is a flawed subject, it's just very annoying that people like us still seem to entertain the idea that it could be true, which is clearly a result of OCD, but is also common amongst intelligent thinking people like us who like to question everything we live in. I believe we all eventually realize what reality is at some stage, it just takes a while for us to get there.

It's great to hear that you're getting on with your life and socializing with friends, it's definitely the way to go. If you sit in your room alone dwelling over negative thoughts, of course it will make you feel like you're the only person that exists! I'm also guilty of doing that occasionally, so when I'm feeling like that I'll go for a bike ride or something to clear my head a bit which definitely helps.
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Avatar universal
Thanks for the in-depth reply Truth,

I'm pretty much over the intrusive thoughts (ie living in a dream, solipsism, etc.) I mean it still bothers me from time to time but i can pretty much disregard it now.  Now I choose not to believe in solipsism and such because life is much more fun that way, and I feel why do I care so much about whether other people are fake, they must be real if I get so much anxiety because of that and the idea of solipsism seems so illogical to me now even thought its not 100% disprovable.  

And I see where your coming from regarding when people say "I'm real as can be" but for some reason it helps me.  Or it doesn't hurt me at all.  I feel socializing and finding hobbies really does help me with the OCD and having a purpose in life.  

BTW, what were the side effects that made you not want to take fluoxetine.  I'm on it right now although it's a low dose.  I first wanted to beat it on my own, but it got so bad that I was desperate for something and I actually feel it has helped me although it's hard to say since I could have been fine without taking it as well.  Thanks in advance!  
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Avatar universal
Hi Sam,

I'm glad I found your thread on Google having typed in 'Still entertaining the thought of solipsism' which I'm currently suffering at the moment. I'm a 28 year old male and I believe I have OCD, although from reading your comments I don't think mine is as severe as yours is (or was, depending if you've recovered yet). Basically I have very similar thoughts of life and whether or not I'm creating the world I live in in my mind. It's something man has been thinking about for hundreds of years. The philosopher Rene Descartes wrote an entire book of existentialism and started the idea of 'solipsism', whereby you only believe that your own mind exists. You've probably heard the quote 'cogito ergo sum' which means, 'I think, therefore I am', which is the basic platform logical theory for any thinking creature that cannot be doubted. Solipsim however, is a flawed subject because they believe that we could be living in a dream as there's no way of 'differentiating dreams from reality', which is complete nonsense. I know this as a fact, because when I'm dreaming and having a nightmare, like falling off a building and about to hit the ground, or about to get attacked by an evil monster or something, I force myself to wakeup. This must mean that my subconscious knows that I am in a dream and reality is where I am safe. I don't blame movies like The Matrix, Inception etc, but I do blame philosophers (many of whom I studied in A-levels), for their anxiety driven subjects with no logical substance, and come from complete paranoia and if anything, they are counter-productive.

You are obviously an intelligent person with an analytical brain like me, hence why you question and doubt everything you live in. It's normal for people like us to do this. I've been suffering form mild depression for around 6-7 years, and more recently OCD. My doctor prescribed me some Fluoxetine, however I did lots of reading up on the side effects and to be honest I'm a bit scared that it might change me permanently, so I've decided to 'slug it out' and see if I can self-medicate, seeing as it's a mental problem not physical. I should also add that I've been smoking weed for over many years which probably didn't do much help for my mental state. Although it did give me amazing ideas for music, as I enjoy producing music. When I was a teen I used to have laughing fits when I smoked it, now I just feel depressed and it sends my thought processes into overdrive where I just can't think straight. So I've given it up, for now at least.

With regards to OCD I also have these weird things where for example, I'm walking on the pavement and I'm so conscious of where my feet go, especially in relation to the wheels of cars, like they're following a pattern. Other thoughts include negative feelings about my race and about other people, including my family, which probably gets me down the most. I also have a friend who tends to get on my nerves a lot of the time, and I have mostly negative thoughts about him that pop up a lot. I've tried to decipher whether it's me overracting or whether I genuinely do not like him, and I've decided it's a combination of the two, but mainly the latter as other people seem get to annoyed by him as well. Plus I feel like I have a good judge of character.

With regards to solipsim, when people say, 'trust me I'm real as can be' to try and comfort you, this actually makes me more dubious because I'm thinking well, if you're real, why would you feel the need to declare this? I know they're just trying to help but those kind of statements don't help me at all. The main problem I find with solipsism is it's anti-logic, whereby if you believe it's real, having a discussion about it with someone else is completely futile, i.e. it doesn't matter because according to solipsism, everyone else are 'figments of your imagination'. And I'm guessing a lot of solipsists, especially the older ones tend to live alone in their own sad world. That's depressing to me :(. To lighten things up, watch this hilarious video of these guy's dismissing a solipsist that calls their show, who's obviously a bit nuts - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCc-5Z_3SKI

Anyway I've probably written enough now, but I hope I've helped you in some way and writing this has actually helped me a great deal as well. Expressing your thoughts that are bothering you definitely helps. Unfortunately it's difficult for people like us to think voluntarily, as we constantly have intrusional thoughts, but one thing that helps me is thinking back to when I was a kid, which wasn't that long ago really, and remembering when I was 'carefree'. Keeping things simple definitely helps in the complicated and stressful lives we live in nowadays.
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I think i got the notifications going now haha
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Hey, it's truly awesome to hear that you're doing so much better. It really sounds like you have a good handle on your recovery. And it sounds like you have an awareness of what triggers your OCD, and how to handle it. If you ever have a relapse into having panic attacks down the road, just try to remember that its something that may come and go and may be disguised as logic, but is really OCD and your brain giving itself problems for its own sake. It's never clarity - it's the opposite of clarity, but the brain is pretty good at making it feel like clarity to scare you. But again, it sounds like you're really in a good place!

It was really cool for me to find a description of someone's fears so similar to my own because it's difficult to describe it to my friends, because they have never been in the thick of it. If you ever want to compare notes some more on these thoughts, feel free to message me on this site - and if I don't respond (i can't seem to get my email notifications working on this thing) my email address is pretty easy to find online, because the site won't let me post it on here.

My best,

WIll Bryan
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I appreciate what you write too. I've been dealing with the existential thoughts an ocd fears big time for about a year. Torture. But things have gotten slightly better with medication and spending time with friends, outdoor activities, etc. I try to put up the stop sign when the thoughts really ramp up. Also physical activity helps a lot
Also the movies that did a number on me were Vanilla Sky, the Matrix, devils Advocate and some movie about a dead guy who is with a friend. Can't remember the name but it messed me up bad.
1699033 tn?1514113133
Well there you have it....I'm so glad you got to read the post
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Also I feel becoming more social, having support of friends and family is a huge plus.  Also having a goal to pursue and/or finding a hobby(ies) can greatly reduce the anxiety.  During the hardest of times, I purposely forced myself interact with more people and just observe the world.  Especially with the idea of solipsism, inception, etc., I feel that interacting with the world helps weaken those thoughts and makes you realize that the thoughts are ridiculous.

However, I'm still, as I stated in my previous post, reluctant and "scared" of watching/reading other mind f*ck movies, shows, books, etc. because I'm scared of it setting off another panic attack/increase in anxiety.  I've never really liked horror flicks but didn't mind watching movies like the matrix/a beautiful mind, fight club.  Even when I watched Inception, I thought it was a great movie and it is.  I want to get to the point where I can watch/read whatever I want without worrying about whether it would f*ck me up or not.  I even get an increase in anxiety when psychology/the brain/mental illness, or anything of that sort is mentioned.  That's the main barrier I need to break, I feel, to get back to "myself".
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Thanks for the in-depth post and testimonial.  I've been a lot better, way better in-fact, than when I last wrote on here.  I've been doing a lot of the things you suggested (ie eating healthy, not fighting my thoughts, and i've never smoked marijuana before and don't intend to)  I've pretty much gotten the hang of my OCD although the thoughts still linger and I'm still hesitant and wary of them.  I'm still scared of going through what I've been through, traumatized in a sense.  For example, I skimmed very quickly through your 1st post because I was, for a lack of a better word, scared of what thoughts might have harassed and invaded my mind from your struggles.  Although the second post I read with ease and appreciation.  

Honestly, I feel much better and am 90-95% "myself" (thanks for asking).  I have come a long way since my last post and I live my life the way I want to.  In fact, I feel I I've become a better person, more active in life and I take less things for granted in way.  Anyways thanks for the reply WillBryan and I hope your post helps others going through the same struggle as you and I did.  
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I think I will, thanks so much for the post.

WIll
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Thank you for both of your posts.  I especially loved the paragraph

"I tend to think that highly imaginative people are often afflicted with OCD, and that one can look at OCD as a condition of having one's imagination TURNED AGAINST its owner - to create problems for itself, because the imaginative mind when dominated by OCD LOVES solving problems - even at the expense of the owner's emotional well being. So don't try and shut off the things that scare you - they probably frighten you because you have a passion for them, and that's a good thing."

This is an older post and most likely others will not look at it.  Why don't you copy and past yours into a new post with the title of something like "My OCD success story."  Something like that so that people will know to read what is a success story.  You have run the gamut of OCD from irrational thinking to ritualistic behavior and I think that other OCD sufferers can learn a lot from your post.  

Samdagonner's last post was November 19th.  He hasn't posted anything since and so he may never see what you wrote.  It would be a shame if others didn't see it.  

Take care.  

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Avatar universal
Part 2:


I think Link is completely right with his list of advice - especially when he suggests you don't try to stop thinking about philosophy, or the intellectual things that seem to be causing the panic. Because philosophy has such power over your OCD, I assume that you're very interested in philosophy. And, like you, movies that have to do with the nature of a false reality have really scared the crap out of me. I was freaking out about this stuff before Inception came out, but thinking about The Matrix tortured me, and when I was in the movie theater toward the end of Vanilla Sky - I had one of my worst panic attacks ever. That being said, I love movies that play with reality, and the stimulating, positive reaction I have to them is particularly strong because those ideas are powerful to me. I love the power of very scary ideas - ideas that would have sent me into a panic a few years ago - because they hit me on a very deep level and stimulate my creative imagination like almost nothing else has the power to do.

I tend to think that highly imaginative people are often afflicted with OCD, and that one can look at OCD as a condition of having one's imagination TURNED AGAINST its owner - to create problems for itself, because the imaginative mind when dominated by OCD LOVES solving problems - even at the expense of the owner's emotional well being. So don't try and shut off the things that scare you - they probably frighten you because you have a passion for them, and that's a good thing.

I also agree with NOT FIGHTING THE PANIC. In my experience, fighting it makes it worse. When you feel a panic attack coming on, try to tell yourself "okay, I'm going to panic now and I'll let it run its course" because that helps me lower my anxiety.

Also, diet makes a HUGE difference - I drank lots and lots of coca cola as a kid, and I cut caffeine out of my diet (doctor suggested it) around the time I stopped having chronic panic attacks. Even nowadays, when I have a coke or a cigarette (they do the same thing to me) I feel a little shaky and find myself ritualistically blinking at the walls to prevent my fears from approaching.

And my one VERY STRONG PIECE OF ADVICE: I suggest that you, at all costs, stay away from marijuana. I'm personally not morally or politically opposed to it, but in my experience it has the power to bring back my philosophical terrors like no other stimulant. (I've never tried cocaine but I bet that is much worse!) I went for 1 full year without having a panic attack, I smoked weed one night, and I had TERRIBLE panic attacks for the next week. Then, I swore off the stuff and it's been over 2 years and I haven't felt the slightest bit philosophically panicked. Of course everyone's different, but for me it's just not worth the risk.

Other than that, just know that it gets better. There were periods in my life where I was absolutely convinced that I would never get any better, that having panic attacks was something I would have to deal with for my entire life. Things that DEFINITELY helped me: family, therapy, diet, medication, friends, constant stimulation, but if I were to go back in time and give myself advice during one my panic attacks, I would try to convince myself that my mindset has a natural tendency to evolve. So try to let that idea sink in and let it be of comfort, if your OCD will let it.

I have never met another person who has been plagued by exactly this type of anxiety, so I would love to compare notes with you sometime!

How's it going as of recent?

Will Bryan
***@****
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-- VERY LONG POST, SORRY!!! --
Part 1 of 2

Hey Sam,

I am so grateful that you chose to share your thoughts online. I stumbled onto this page by searching "solipsistic fears." My mind is blown by your description of anxiety you (I hope, used to) have, because its intensity and philosophical nature sound so incredibly similar to the nightmarishly awful panic attacks I used to have. I've been diagnosed with OCD and depression, and for years I had philosophical panic attacks which were hinged on the terrifying and (seemingly) un-negatable fear that people are not "real." It feels so unbelievably, ultimately awful while you're in the middle of a panic attack. There's no way to accurately describe to another person just how truly horrible it is, I know. I see that some people have already shared some insightful advice - and although I may not have any new advice, I would like to tell you a bit about my breakdowns, and about recovery from them.

First of all, I'm a 23 year old male currently living in Richmond, Virginia with my girlfriend. I'm a filmmaker, I make music videos professionally, and although i still have OCD and I still THINK ABOUT the philosophical issues that used to torture me, I no longer have constant panic attacks and my most recent one was over 2 years ago. These days, I feel completely in control of my panic and philosophical fears.

I don't know how these strange fears began, but they started when I was seven years old. I had uncontrollable panic attacks in school because of something I described to my mom and dad as "the flip book thing" (meaning I was afraid that the entire world was an illusion and God was holding a flip book in front of my eyes to fool me into thinking there were other people in existence - very weird analogy.) I had two major traumatic experiences early in life (I almost died from streptococcus pneumoniae at the age of five, and that same year a family member incredibly close to me passed away suddenly) and I think these events may have contributed to my feelings of uneasiness as a child.

I had such extreme "flip book thing" panic attacks as a kid that my mom took me out of school in the 5th Grade to home-school me. Shortly before this happened, my parents got divorced which may have further contributed to my anxiety.

I was able to lead a pretty functional life as a middle school/early high school age kid; had a small number of close friends and got along well with my family, but the panic attacks were slowly getting worse, and more frequent.

When I was a young teenager, I started having very intense OCD. This translated itself into many fears (fear of becoming blind and fear of somehow liking my family sexually were two of them - and also, fear that I would do something awful to somebody else, like pushing an old lady, a baby, saying something truly hurtful to a sensitive person, etc - things I would never in real life do but was afraid that I "might" do) but the biggest, most powerful fear was my philosophical fear of being cosmically alone.

My OCD manifested itself with rituals of "preventing" my fear of "becoming" true. I would make myself hop on one foot out of the shower, and I pretended in my brain that if I were to touch 1 wrong tile, my worst fears would come true (which I know is totally ridiculous - and I knew that as I did my rituals, but as you know, OCD operates on a very different plane of logic) - I had "good" colors and "bad" colors and was unable to look at the bad ones for I had a fear that they would have the power to bring about my fears. These are just a few of my strange, lifestyle and behavior-compromising beliefs, there are too many to name.

Then, when I was a young teenager, my Dad died. Over the course of the next few years, my anxiety and OCD got a MILLION times worse. There was a period of time when I was, (already shy) terrified of meeting new people because my speech was so full of "good" words and verbal rituals. My OCD and solipsistic fears were also twisted by a non-religious fear of God: I was so very afraid of sin that I became a mess of rituals in every social situation: I would say Please and Thank you over and over and over, because in my OCD-tinted ideas of morality, that was the "right" thing to do. I became convinced that sexual interest in the opposite sex was "wrong" so I tried my best to avoid any kind of visual stimulation of girls, in person or on TV. This fear of pleasure evolved into a fear of fun, and I would try and deny myself ANY kind of positive stimulation (probably the worst thing I could have done) and there was a period of time when I tried to make myself stare at one point in the wall for literally hours.

Also, for some reason, guilt was an incredibly strong emotion during my panic attacks. Growing up and frequently coinciding with panic attacks, I would have incredibly vivid and terrifying feverdream-like night terrors while sick or sometimes just randomly (this is a whole other thing to talk about) and in these dreams I felt a panic more violent than anything I felt while awake. The content of the dreams almost always had to do with guilt, with me being alone, with with me destroying the cosmos or screwing things up for all of existence somehow. I few years ago I found a good blog where people had very similar dreams to the ones I had.

I was put on Prozac, then Risperdal, then Lexapro. I had a fantastic cognitive therapist and did CBT, meditation and breathing exercises. I was able to pull it together for most of the time, and when for my junior and senior years of high school I went back to public school.

Then, in the second semester of my senior year, I had an absolute breakdown. This is one of the main things that I wanted to describe for you. It was, without any doubt, the absolute worst period of my life. My entire day was a panic attack - I would wake up in the morning, immediately be thrown into a panic, exhaust myself, pass out with the help of a klonopin, then wake up and panic all over again. It was impossible for me to muster the energy to distract myself from mindless panic, and I was at this level of intensity for most of the every whole day for 14 days. Suicide has NEVER, even remotely, been an option for me (I'm very glad to see that you're the same way) but I felt like I would have lost my mind if it had gone on for any longer. Maybe not literally, but that's how I felt at the time.

On the 14th day of my breakdown I took a nap in the afternoon, had some incredibly peculiar and comforting dreams, and when I woke up, I did not have a panic attack for the rest of the night.

I had a few panic attacks over the next couple months, but they were rapidly fading away. I attribute this change to medication, meditation, therapy and diet, but also the plain fact that your psyche cannot panic forever. It gets exhausted. I know this part of my recovery may not be of much practical help as far as advice - but what I'm trying to share with you is the lesson I learned: NO MATTER HOW BAD IT GETS, THERE'S ALWAYS AN END TO THE PANIC. Our brains make us panic because of their physiology, and in our cases, terrifying philosophy is the tool they use to justify the panic. But under the hood, it's all physiology. And our brains are physiologically INCAPABLE of panicking forever.

In my case, I think my brain just burned itself out with the same kind of behavior for too long, and suddenly got bored with the OCD and panic and fears, and wanted switch it up and translate the energy I would normally be panicking with to something else. So please, if you take one thing from my ridiculously long post, try to remind yourself, while you're having a panic attack, that although it FEELS like it will last forever, IT WON'T. And you won't be dealing with the panic attacks the way that you are now forever. I am the living proof of this.
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My post was in response to link611, I had put the name in the "To" section but apparently it did not post it.  Thanks link611.
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Hey, thanks for the reply,

I'm doing a lot better now and do steps 3 and 4 completely.  I don't drink any caffeinated drinks (ie soda, coffee, energy drinks, etc).  I do drink occasionally to socialize etc, but I don't overdo it although I want to sometimes ;).  I exercise as much as I can (work out at least 3-4 times a week and walk a bike trail behind my house).  I also eat lots of fruits and drink a homemade veggie juice everyday along with taking vitamins.  I don't let the OCD control me even though it gets hard sometimes, but I feel I'm slowly, but surely, getting a hold of it.  I've improved leaps and bounds since this episode first started and I believe that most of my anxiety doesn't come from my intrusive thoughts, although some of it can be attributed to them, but from personal issues I am experiencing at the moment.  

Thanks again, for the advice and reply, it's greatly appreciated!

- Sam
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